With some of these FMIL stories, it sure seems they don’t get out much.
OK, here’s another issue. Four weeks before the wedding – and three weeks after my wife and daughter spent a whole day together shopping for the perfect dress for my daughter to wear to her brother’s post-wedding reception – my daughter got an e-mail from the bride/future sister-in-law expressing the “hope” that, as one of the bridesmaids, she would wear a dress in one of the official wedding colors to the reception. Not the color of the dress she had purchased three weeks before, and already had tailored for herself, of course.
I am pretty miffed at my future daughter-in-law about this (and also at my son for not cutting it off). First, the whole bridesmaids thing is silly, but I understand if she wants to have certain women stand near her at the wedding, and if she wants to tell them what to wear when they do. (Note: In the bride’s cultural tradition, the bridesmaids and groomsmen have absolutely nothing to do at the wedding, and never even so much as stand in the main area where the ceremony takes place.) I have never heard, though, of a bride dictating what her attendants should wear to a party that starts many hours after the wedding itself ends. Is that a thing? Why?
Second, if one was going to do that, one should not mention it for the first time less than a month before the wedding date. I’m sure some people buy their clothes for big parties in distant cities at the last minute, but they aren’t in my immediate family. In any event, my son was completely aware that his mother and sister were dress-shopping three weeks before; they all spoke on the phone several times that day, and he saw pictures of all the final candidates. Since they made the shopping plans while they were having dinner with my son and his fiancee a couple of weeks before that, the bride might have known, too, if she had been paying attention.
My daughter has decided she has to find another dress in the right color. But she can’t afford another dress as nice as the one she already bought and now can’t wear. I’m just really annoyed about this.
I tried my best not to be “that” MIL; I believe I bent over backwards to keep my mouth shut when needed for both my son and daughter’s weddings. My tongue my have a few bite marks though 
I only spoke up on a couple of suggestions, but thought long and hard before saying anything; I believe they were well received.
The only thing I regret not doing, is going to my DIL bridal shower in her home town. Her mother’s friends gave her a shower for their friends, as well as DIL hometown friends. I was of course invited, but at the time I was working full time, was dealing with a bad back, so driving 6 hours would have been difficult, and flights were $700. I made the decision not to go, and do regret that decision. I know I was invited because I needed to be, and they probably didn’t care if I came of not; I love my DIL, like her parents enough, but we would never be friends if the kids had not married each other. If my mother and my aunt had been invited also, I would have figured out a way to go; I really didn’t want to go alone!
I hope my decision to skip the shower did not cause a problem with my DIL, I don’t think it did. Have no idea what her mother thought, not that I care that much. It was never mentioned, and not one called me to try to convince me to figure out a way to get there, which made me believe I was invited because I needed to be, not that I was really wanted.
JHS, I don’t blame you for being annoyed. I find that a bit obnoxious. I didn’t realize that after parties were events that required attendance. I always thought they were optional for everyone.
Why can’t she just explain to the bride that she already bought and altered a dress for the party and can’t really afford the time or money to get a different dress at this late date? It sounds like maybe the bride just thought of this idea recently, and that is why she “hopes” that your D could wear a particular color dress, but isn’t sure that her bridesmaids will be able to accommodate that wish.
Post-wedding or post-reception?
If your D isn’t so close to the bride, if her presence is more as the groom’s sister, I see no problem letting the B know she’s already gone ahead.
I agree with @shellfell Tell the bride the dress has been purchased and altered, so she will be wearing it. I can not imagine it will matter what she wears for the after party. Sometimes before a wedding these ideas seem like a big deal, but afterwords it like, why did we make this an issue.
“Hope” is not a contractually binding term. As the other posters already said, she should politely explain that the dress is already purchased, and the timing of the request might not let her find another one and get it altered in time for the event.
I tend to think your daughter should wear the dress she purchased. I also think your daughter is feeling pressure to acquiesce to the brides whims. It’s seems a little late for the bride to be making special clothing demands. Would you daughter feel comfortable wearing the dress she purchased if the other bridesmaids are wearing a certain color dress?
We had two nieces (both grown and had the time and resources) that chose not to come to DD’s wedding, but didn’t even call her (they did the on-line not coming response) - it would have been effort but not extreme effort to come; nephew called her (he had work conflict). I suspect in part these nieces didn’t come because these two are a couple years older than DD/bride and single, but also wouldn’t know many at the wedding (it is not about them) - but if they had come, they would have had a good time. One has a serious BF, but I wonder if he is holding out - she just moved to his city (they have been in college together; she went to her first job and he had his in his city a few hours away).
There are not many cousins, but these 3 have geographically been close to grandparents and have never had to make any effort with family gatherings. All three (niece, and niece and nephew brother/sister) also have divorced parents and have had many things be ‘about them’ all their lives.
@JHS, I think that your D should just go ahead and wear the dress she has. I have the feeling that this was a list minute “wouldn’t it be nice” thought on the part of your FDIL and that if it really mattered to her, she would have made the expectations clear a long time ago.
@SOSConcern, in my experience most weddings are NOT fun if you are there as a single woman without a plus one. There are never enough single men, and the married men do not ask the single women to dance, as I think they should. Sometimes they won’t even talk to you when you are seated at a table next to them. I don’t blame them for not going.
Went to a wedding this weekend where a guy friend of the bride was a bridesmaid. He walked down the aisle after the female bridesmaids. Times change.>>>>>>>>>>
My DIL’s best friend is a male and he was her Honor Attendant. He was Man of Honor.
D1 and the FSIL went to his best friend’s wedding recently. The groomsmen all wore a very nice blue suit for the wedding, which happens to be similar suit FSIL wants his groomsmen to wear and the same guys are also going to be in his party. Both D1 and FSIL thought it would save people a lot of money if they just wore the same suit again. The concern is the guy who just got married may get upset about people wearing the same suit at his best friend’s wedding.
“The concern is the guy who just got married may get upset about people wearing the same suit at his best friend’s wedding.”
If he does care, he’s being silly and it shouldn’t be given another thought. Blue suits are pretty ubiquitous and generic. Smart and thoughtful of your daughter and her fiance to think about controlling costs for their friends.
If the groomsmen had to buy suits, and many overlap with this next wedding, why would the guy that just got married care? Guys are not like gals in this regard…One has the tie and the flowers different. Assuming the suit is not totally ‘stand out’ in color.
My really good friend chose china I liked, and I did choose other china (we both have Noritake) - and actually in the long run I like my pattern better. We geographically don’t live close, and she would not have cared, but at the time, I just didn’t want to have the same pattern and I found another pattern I liked.
Can’t repeat with bridesmaids dresses. I doubt that any bridesmaids would wear their dress at a wedding with any overlapping friends/guests. And honestly, bridesmaids dresses don’t have to be super costly.
If purchased, many guys don’t need an extra suit either. Certainly some professionals still wear suits to work, but many do not.
@Chumom, just say no, plain and simple. Don’t add this to your stress level. Just look at it as that they want to introduce their future DIL to their friends and family. You cannot be there and they will have to explain why. Imagine how that will look! Yes, it is very insensitive, extremely, especially for such a long engagement! But don’t distress yourself over it, seriously. Very sweetly tell her “As you know my dear mother in law is terminally ill so we will not be able to travel during this time of caring for her and being with her. And certainly if she passes during these next weeks, we will not be in any frame of mind to travel to an otherwise very happy occasion as we will be grieving for her and missing her.” If she is a person who just does not “get it” then I feel for your daughter getting this MIL. Will they be living near her? Really a terrible thing to do. Maybe she’s just a wifty type who really didn’t grasp the idea that this is actually, really happening to your family right now. Hugs to you all.
Oh, and I have to ask…what does your D think of this? Is she also shocked? Does she like this woman?
My daughter does like her fiancée 's family. They have actually been very nice to her and have accepted her as part of their family. My daughter is a people pleaser. She will adjust to the situation and not make waves. It will probably all work out ok. And no, they don’t live close to her. My daughter in the LA area and his family in San Francisco area.
Rather than say my dear mother in law is terminally ill, I’d be tempted to say, “Jane’s dear grandmother.”
So if she commits to this party and your MIL does take her final turn or pass away, she would miss the time with her or possibly the funeral?
What are you doing/have you done about transportation? There are limited options for limo service in the small city where D lives and is getting married, and a couple companies don’t have great reviews. Would you be comfortable using Uber or cabs? Or would you prefer driving yourselves?
D is going to dress at the church (I’m not happy about that, but she’s worried about her gown getting crushed in the car on the way there), but she and FSiL could ride in S & DiL’s large SUV to the reception. Dh is concerned about impaired drivers after the reception and wants me to line up transportation.
When you use a limo service, do the drivers hang around from the drop off until pick up, whenever that happens, or do you set up a time in advance for them to return? If they remain, are they included in the vendors provided with dinner such as the photographers and DJ?
Does anyone else wish their D would elope? ; )
Our hotel reserved rooms are right across the street from our wedding venue. We are not providing transportation across the street.
When we have been to weddings with transportation, they have contracted with a service that provides vans or small buses to transport folks.