Oh no @runnersmom! The MOB sounds umm “interesting”. But no bride ever should be “roasted” at her rehearsal dinner. No, no, no, nooooooo!
Update here. Talked to DD yesterday. She has a good chunk of her website done. She is using a site called Joy…anyway…it looks good. The MOG is a cardmaker…and does beautiful cards…and she has offered to make the invitations. DD is very excited about this because they will be special and unique. The MOG is contributing this to the wedding. They are also definitely doing the rehearsal dinner…about 30 people. That’s Friday early evening. We will host a welcome thing Saturday…and the wedding is Sunday.
MOG and I are meeting for lunch Thursday. We are going to the venue, and I think I’ll suggest we have lunch at the place the bride and groom would like for the rehearsal.
I would like some advice. My D is engaged to be married but the engagement is a long one. Two and a half years, mostly dictated by FMIL. That’s not the problem. My MIL is 89 and has end stage cancer. On June 30th we were told she had but a few months to live. She is declining rapidly and we feel she may have only a few more weeks with us. Last night my D called to say FMIL is having an engagement party on Labor Day Weekend. We live 7 hours away. Yes she is aware of our situation. I’m shocked and angry. But do I call and politely decline or do I call and tell her this is a bit insensitive. I’m angry that she wants the engagement dragged out as long as possible and yet she is having an engagement party so soon and shocked that she would have an engagement party knowing our situation. I know life goes on but how about a little sympathy if not for us but her FDIL. I don’t want to go to a party knowing my MIL may pass any day and I don’t want to go to a party that would be so soon after her passing.
Not sure why FMIL is dictating when the wedding should be. The happy couple should be the ones to decide that. The FMIL can throw an engagement party, but you do not need to attend. You can have an engagement party for your daughter whenever you want. I was the one who gave the engagement party, not the groom’s parents. It is fine for each side of family to have their own parties for their friends and relatives.
I don’t think you have to go to the engagement party, especially if it is 7 hours away. I also don’t think the groom’s family has to put life on hold. It is sad that a grandmother is dying, but you wouldn’t want to have the party a week after she dies either. No time is going to be perfect.
Labor day was probably chosen because a lot of her family can be there. Did she ask your daughter and her son if it was convenient for them?
The MOG is dictating when the wedding will take place? Really?
If you can’t go to the engagement party, just decline the invitation. I agree…when the time is right…do something your self if you choose to.
I guess that an engagement party can happen at any time. But…maybe the bride and her fiancé would like to take that weekend to visit her grandmother or what if she dies (g_d forbid) and the family decides that the funeral is best on Labor Day. Just seems that there are a ton of mine fields when one person in the engaged couple has a difficult life problem going on.
I agree @Chumom that the timing is insensitive. I’m reading between the lines and guessing that the MOG needs to be in control and things need to be done her way. I would be upset, I wouldn’t attend because of what you have going on.
Because I am not one to confront people and because I wouldn’t want the wedding to be WWIII, I wouldn’t call her out on things. The timing of this and your situation is frankly up to your D to bring up to her FMIL. She should point out that with her grandmothers illness and potential for her to be away, the party should be scheduled for a time that is better for her family.
But if your D prefers to stay available for her family and grandmother during this time, not be locked into a party date, or wants her mom at any engagement party, I think maybe the couple should admit this to the MIL.
@chumom I think your daughter and fiance need to step up and let her know now is NOT a good time and that they won’t be able to attend Labor Day weekend. Sounds like a good opportunity to set some boundaries with future MIL. If future MIL can’t understand it, let the chips fall where they may.
Can you provide more color on how this mother is dictating the long engagement?
i think @lookingforward has hit the nail on the head. Although it sounds like @Chumom’s D’s FMIL is controlling the plans, for whatever reason, now is the time for the couple to speak up. With a 2.5 year horizon, there will be plenty of time for engagement parties. I’m learning every day that assumptions just create bad feelings - anyone involved in the joining of two families has to be willing to speak up if something isn’t working for them. @Chumom, how does your D feel about all of this?
We aren’t going of course. I want to be supportive of my D, but just can’t do this. I’ve decided to just politely decline and let it go.
I think the real concern here that is being suggested is the the idea that you D and FSIL need to
start dealing with FMIL now. If your D is happy to have the engagement party then --well ok–that
becomes between you and your D.
I do agree that her engagement party does not need to involve you. You can have your own and invite
them or not. I do not know how close you live to each other–
If I could have grabbed D and FSIL: for a weekend to have a party I would have (they could not) but
would not have expected his parents to attend living far away.
But the idea Chumom’s mother is so ill makes this doubly odd. FMIL isn’t just asking Chumom to step away. She’s asking the bride to be 7 hours away for a few days…to commit to the party.
Why now?
Personally, why let FMIL?
^agree
but who are the ones letting FMIL. If this is MOB not able to attend then she needs to just say such.
If D and FSIL are strained by the timing then they need to say so.
Don’t look at me as I am navigating my own issues with D’s FMIL-- :(|)
My D’s future MIL is overbearing and that is a red flag my daughter chooses to ignore (we’ve talked about this on more than one occasion). I don’t feel the need to go to the engagement party. When and where they have one is their prerogative and really none of my business. But I can’t help but wonder how they can have an engagement party if my daughter can’t be there if my MIL passes at the same time. But I can’t expect them to put their life on hold because mine is at this time. I also admit to being overly emotional at this time. I really should let this go and use my energy by being supportive of my husband and helping to attend the needs of my MIL.
Such a difficult time to be dealing with logistics that are causing issues but don’t need to. So sorry, @Chumom.
I have a question for anyone who rented busses for wedding transportation. How did you handle insurance. Did you rely on the bus company or take out additional liability insurance? Thanks in advance.
We are relying on the bus company’s insurance. I will check with the planner to see if additional insurance is needed.
Thanks. @oldfort, your D’s wedding is in NYS, if I remember correctly. I’ve identified the DOT insurance requirements, but my H is liability-phobic and will probably want an excess policy. I’ve asked him to speak to our insurance broker (to cover the rehearsal dinner venue, as well, and possibly the hotel) and I will be speaking to the wedding planner this morning.
Update to #3717 - MOB texted me after that conversation to apologize for being defensive and less than pleasant - and now we move forward. So many potential land mines in this wedding planning thing 
One of the grandparents in our family was very ill, and close to dying when two grandkids were planning their weddings. There was nothing they could do about this. They planned their weddings…and hoped for the best.
As it happened…grands came to one wedding, but were unable to attend the other.
No one expected the bride and groom to put their plans entirely on hold until the grandparent died.
Having said all that…if the wedding is two years away…it does seem like a party right now is unnecessary.