I think we learned that letting my S and DIL plan certain parts of the wedding showed their inexperience with wrangling large groups of people and understanding how an event like a wedding differs from, say, a large party. I don’t think we will have any extended family pictures because no one told the photographer they were important, and the couple was not willing to have that extended family arrive early to get it done before the ceremony. I knew if this was not done before, it would not be done, and it wasn’t.
I also had to insist that the entire wedding party gather and go to the zoo together, and since I was willing to provide the transportation, they finally caved on that point. This was a cast of thousands and if the kids had their way they would have just assumed everyone would be where they were supposed to be - I knew they would not.
These are two very smart, accomplished people and in most things they are very competent. Unlike @oregon101’s SIL, large event planning is not in their wheelhouse. They are also not used to the concerns, as @Marian noted, of elderly relatives, as much as they love them.
They returned from their honeymoon this week and promptly closed on their co-op, so we had a tour yesterday and talked a little about the wedding. In retrospect, all agreed that it was a wonderful evening, but that certain things could have been organized more effectively. Some issues were due to the incompetent wedding planner, others to the intractable positions taken by the couple, but all in all, a fabulous wedding from their perspective, ours, and from what I’ve heard, many of our guests. Though, on that last point, as others have said, we’ll probably never know!
When we interviewed our photographer, he had a prepared list of the standard pics he definitely will be taking…and said if we wanted anything added, to let him know. I thought that was great! We added one pic we want…and that is of all of the girls on MY side of the family.
Of course he will take many more (along with his second shooter), but I thought him having the list himself was very smart.
Nope, we had no contact with the photographer, nor did the MOB - my S and DIL made all the arrangements. From what I’ve seen, her work is wonderful, but it’s very much “art-style” and less “formal wedding style.” As far as I know (and again, I was not consulted), there was no list of requested photos - they did the bridal party, immediate families (parents/siblings - all of whom were in the bridal party) and grandmothers (both from groom’s side) with bride and groom. I would have wanted more, but no one asked me. And I know the MOB wanted more, because she told me the day after the wedding, but she did not consult in advance with the bride and groom.
@runnersmom , my kids did the same thing! They did not want the formal pictures like I have in my wedding album; as a matter of fact, they did not even make an album I pushed my daughter just a tiny bit to make sure we had pictures of her with her grandparents; a separate picture with my parents and then one with my MIL as that was important to her grandparents. Otherwise I had no say and let them do what they wanted. I was not thrilled with the pictures, although the ones of the bride and groom prior to the wedding are wonderful. A few pictures were absent, or not good-no picture of the B&G together during the Hora in the chairs, one bad picture of me helping my daughter into her dress, and one bad pictures of my husband walking her down the aisle; all standard pictures in my world!
Another ‘old school’ versus ‘new school’ difference: D wants to send invitations that ask for an RSVP to be sent to a wedding website. No traditional return mail RSVPs.
I suppose this is okay. Anyone else know about this?
The wedding website would include information on the hotel, getting to the venue, wedding registry, etc. I suppose it’s good in that it could be updated.
My S and DIL used the website to provide information but had traditional snail mail RSVP cards. I think website RSVPs only work if all invited are computer literate. In our case, there would have been enough members of the older generation without such capability that it wouldn’t have made sense. The kids also said they actually enjoyed getting the responses as some included very sweet notes. I did suggest they number the response cards to reflect the addressee in case of cards returned without names and they thought they were indulging me to do so. And yes, they received responses without the name line completed - they were grateful to have the cross-reference list!
My D & SIL had a very extensive, information filled website, with everything from events, timelines, parking, accommodations. local restaurants, registries, etc. I could not think of one thing they could have added. The site was listed on their STD cards as well as included with the invitation. With the invitation, they opted to include a self addressed, stamped response card, in lieu of online RSVP.
I cannot tell you how many times we were asked where DD & SIL were registered, what hotels were in area, etc., even from people we know are tech savvy. So, I was relieved they opted to do snail mail rsvp, as it appeared many had not bothered to look online! Of course, we still had to track down a few stragglers, but I suspect that is normal…
Backing up to the conversation about whether the bride and groom are capable of anticipating what a wedding involves–well, no. I just think that the there are things that they just don’t get.
My issue was with the time spent standing around waiting in the hotel lobby and then again waiting after the vows in the park on a hot day in the sun.
I told them they needed water minimally and maybe a quick toast with champagne (that was a solid no). They said no need and so–yep. folks were parched as the B and G made them wait 40 minutes in the lobby and 45 minutes in the park unattended for photos. I had grabbed a few bottles of water and the few recipients were grateful. And no, I know not one guest has/will say a thing. Making folks wait unattended is a specific irritation of mine but I decide it was their wedding not mine. If I could do it over again I would have had a small cooler with very cold water to pass around. So far I have been able to not mention this.
While SIL did an amazing job I will take a little credit because I became their pain as I asked many
questions and kept asking for details. It was just 3 days before the wedding when he and I sat down
and he asked me to hash out my concerns with him. The list was long but he knocked everything off
that list with good solid plans. Except the water, of course.
Guessing I gripped about this in past posts already…
It is often those small things that bother me.
They had their RSVP’s online( did everything on line). Both were perturbed that they received so few replies.
In the end they texted each person who had not responded to get a final number.
The only thing I’d worry about with on-line RSVP is if the website is clear. One of my cousin’s D used one. You looked up your invite and then put in that you were coming, but it asked you if you wanted to RSVP for another person. People adding on plus-ones seems to be a problem and this, to me, sounded as though you could add whoever you wanted. Especially unclear if you gave a “plus one” instead of a named person - the system would have to let you enter a name. Maybe other sites work better than this one did or it was the way they set it up.
So just be sure, if you care, that the online response system won’t let RSVPs go through for more people than on invitation.
@VeryHappy, what a debacle! It’s one thing to have some awkwardness here and there, it is another to make all of your guests horribly uncomfortable. They definitely did not select the right venue.
I think that I’ve mentioned before that a friend of mine had her small wedding in a greenhouse setting, and the caterer convinced her NOT to have enough table seating for everyone so that the party would “flow.” Um, no. The older attendees grabbed all of the seats, and made it very clear that they were “saved” and we were not welcome to sit down for a few minutes to cut our roast beef. A bunch of us ended up sitting on upended pots, since the food was impossible to eat standing up.
This was also the wedding where the MOB and MOG wore the same dress. And the MOB saw, for the first time, the lounge singer for whom her husband had left her decades before. And the Best Man called at the last minute and said the he and the MOG weren’t coming. Knowing him, the groom had not entrusted him with the rings. Her brother stepped in. Then the MOG and BM arrived part way through the wedding ceremony, and instead of slipping in quietly, they marched up to the front where the MOG took a front row seat, and the BM supplanted the stand-in BM. Then the minister told a story that was about someone other than the groom by mistake…I could go on. It would have worked well in a movie.
S & DIL did online RSVPs. The only person who had a problem with it was my 85 yo aunt, but she knew enough to ask someone to help her with it. OTOH, it didn’t mean there weren’t guests who still didn’t RSVP and had to be hunted down.
I agree that the B & G don’t know everything there is to know about having a wedding and reception. S & DIL planned and paid for the wedding themselves, so we had very little input. They ignored the red flags we saw with their venue and didn’t quite end up with the reception as they expected it. Their photog took very nice photos, but there was a decided bias to take pix of the bride’s family over the groom’s. There were photos she was supposed to take of our side at the reception that never got taken. She was supposed to use other S as her guide to who everyone important was on our side and never talked to him.
D2’s wedding was small and lovely. Only the parents were older adults.
But early on in the “planning,” to use the term loosely, she thought that, after the casual ceremony, all the young folks could just roam the town together, find a restaurant for dinner, pay for themselves. (Oh, right. During a crowded, end of season weekend in the area.) Not.
It was D1 who got many details into D2’s head, convinced her the original idea was bogus. Lol. That’s D1 who studies all the bridal and protocol websites, though an engagement isn’t coming for at least a year.
@Consolation: What a disaster!! It does sound like a movie – and not a happy one, either.
With the RSVPs: The STD was by email. The invitations themselves were snail mail, with snail mail RSVPs. Hooray. But then there was a follow up email, for special people, inviting them to the rehearsal dinner and/or a cocktail reception the night before, and a brunch the day after. Not everyone opened the second email. (Well, my nincompoop nephew and his wife. and they’re very tech savvy and should be more mature than not responding to things, IMO.)
H & I were invited to a wedding in late spring that had response cards and online RSVP - take your pick. They said it worked well. Not sure what D plans to do.
D1 is only doing online RSVP. This website is actually pretty good. You can only RSVP for people included in the invite with that email address. As an example, my friend/husband/son were invited, but the son couldn’t come, so she was able to to RSVP yes for herself/husband, and no for son. We have 5 events, and people can also RSVP for individual event.
D1 is going to do photos after the ceremony for about an hour and she doesn’t want to be late for the reception. It was she who came up with the idea of having a short champagne/wine/beer reception after the ceremony (there is a beautiful balcony next to the Hall) before busing everyone to the reception venue. I thought it was redundant, but she didn’t want people to stand around with no food or drinks for an hour waiting for the wedding party.
I pushed my daughter just a tiny bit to make sure we had pictures of her with her grandparents; a separate picture with my parents and then one with my MIL as that was important to her grandparents. Otherwise I had no say and let them do what they wanted. I was not thrilled with the pictures, although the ones of the bride and groom prior to the wedding are wonderful. A few pictures were absent, or not good-no picture of the B&G together during the Hora in the chairs, one bad picture of me helping my daughter into her dress, and one bad pictures of my husband walking her down the aisle; all standard pictures in my world!
A bunch of us ended up sitting on upended pots, since the food was impossible to eat standing up.