D had no issues with us inviting whomever we want, but she asked this: Do you really want to have to spend time with them at the wedding? Do you really care whether or not they are there? My parents are deceased, and I was feeling the need to bring the family together - I was considering inviting aunts & cousins who didn’t invite us to their kids’ weddings. I ended up settling on the aunt & uncle (and their adult kids) that we do keep in touch with. For H’s family, we are really close to my MIL’s entire (relatively small) family & are inviting all of them, so I felt I should invite FIL’s family. We ended up settling on FIL’s 3 favorite nieces/nephew. H didn’t care if I invited anyone else from his dad’s family. The only one I feel a little weird about not inviting is my deceased brother’s daughter. She has chosen to cut us out of her life, but I still feel odd not sending an invite when the time comes. D does not want her invited, and she said her cousin will probably just look at it as D trying to get a gift, since she has made it clear she wants nothing to do with us.
S&DIL didn’t want to invite anyone they didn’t know. That mostly turned out to be the case. What surprised me was that DIL didn’t send invites to anyone beyond immediate family, even as a courtesy (they were all in the UK and not traveling).
I sent courtesy invites when we married, not for gifts, but for sharing the news. My extended family is all over the place and not in positions to travel for weddings.
Ugh on rude entitled people!
Ah, the wedding dilemmas. So many seem close to universal. As to the refusal of help to have a day of coordinator or make the wedding more comfortable for guests, that is particularly tough. As DH and I are hosting the wedding, we told DD that our goal was for them to have their day, their way. We added that we had to be comfortable with guests’ experiences as hosts and have not had a big dispute about that yet, as oversights have been finessed and we have yielded on all but the most critical things. DD has opted out of guest transportation; I would have likely gone for it, for example. DD did say at one point that they didn’t want a registry, as they are not focused on gifts. Hmm… fine. I’ll be giving everyone who asks me what you want your cell phone number and then you will able to let them know directly. Registry is in process. The guest list is a big compromise all the way around. I am not able to include all of our “inner circle” friends in order to adhere to the headcount B/G chose.
Re: the “day of” coordinator: assume that that too easily becomes the MOB if not otherwise specified. I’d ask for that indulgence as a way to ensure I can enjoy the day, too.
The invites to an engagement party or shower going to people not invited to the wedding is an interesting one and people seem to have different opinions on what is acceptable. DD’s wedding will be about 150, as that is the largest size the B/G can imagine/prefer. FSIL has a large family and big weddings are culturally traditional. In-laws are hosting an engagement party that is the same size as the wedding; approximately half of their engagement guests won’t be invited to the wedding. I wouldn’t be comfortable doing that under most circumstances (unless it clearly worked best for the invitees); we’ll see how it plays out. We only included a few close family members in the engagement party invites as geography is an issue.
Do Save the Dates need to go to every planned invited guest or only the ones you really, really want to come?
@doschicos that is S an interesting question. I would love to hear opinions on that.
S and his fiancé are working on getting ready to send save the date. My S is a graphic designer and he really wants to send paper Save the Date. His fiancé wants to send them via the internet. They have a tight budget and I think his fiancé is right that they have to watch their spending and it there will be ample opportunity for him to use his creativity down the line. I now have to gather emails. We have cut our list tremendously and I’m still not 100% sure if I’m allowed my present list.
I have been to many weddings. I have never, ever, ever received a Save the Date card so they clearly don’t have to be sent at all.
I’m sure there’s no one right answer to the question about who gets Save the Dates. I can say that they are greatly appreciated, though. My son got invited to one of his high school friend’s wedding that I would not have necessarily thought he would be invited to (based on perceived size limitations). He lives 6 hours away and got the invitation 8 weeks ahead of the wedding and happily RSVP’d that they would attend. I was really disappointed, however, because we had plans to be out of town that weekend and couldn’t change our plans (already bought theater tickets). So he came home for the weekend for the wedding, but we weren’t around. I was disappointed to have missed the opportunity to see him - if I had known he was going to the wedding we would have planned our weekend away a different time. There are other times that it would be nice to know if you’re going to get an invite or not so that you can plan around it. I get what you’re saying - that not everybody is on your “really, really want them to come” list, but still, if you’re getting an invitation at all, presumably they want you to come on some level. It’s just easier to make long term plans if you know if you’ll be invited.
For our daughter’s wedding, almost everyone got Save the Dates because it involved airline travel for most of the attendees. There were just a couple people who got invitations who hadn’t gotten Save the Dates and those were local people who they became much closer to in the months between when they sent out the Save the Dates and the actual wedding.
My DS#2 wasn’t aware that the “save the date” printed card/magnet/email was relatively new thing. We didn’t do that “back in the day”. Several friends kids and our DS#1had an “A” list and a “B” list, like some others have mentioned, and IIRC, the “B” listers didn’t get a “save the date”.
Thanks for your comment about the rude, entitled people, @CountingDown. My DH never liked her (the person who was so ugly and rude) to begin with, and this incident was the icing on the cake. I would bet my socks if we had sent them an invitation, she’d have groused (behind my back) that we were just fishing for a gift since they probably would not have come. There was another couple who we had to not invite to the wedding who helped with the shower. They were much more gracious and understanding.
I just texted DS#2 to remind him to order extras, “just in case” and ditto for the invitations for the A and B listers/late invites.
@jym626, that sounds like it was a very difficult situation. I’m sorry something like that is a memory that remains from your S1’s wedding. My friends threw a shower for my FDIL, but it was very close to the wedding date and the only names I gave them were people who had been invited to the wedding (from my list that meant mostly family). The only person who was there who wasn’t invited was one of my partners and close friends, but she understood completely and was happy to attend. On the other hand, we also threw a large engagement party that included all those we could not invite to the wedding and those who attended seemed happy to be included. It seems to me that the people who understand not being included are probably the people you’d most want to include, but weddings are a special breed of party and seem to create chaos no matter the best intentions of all involved.
I looked this up on various etiquette blogs. The bottom line is: You don’t need to send a Save the Date card to everyone you intend to invite to the wedding. You can send them to the people who are really important to you and to those who will have to travel. But it is fine to send a wedding invitation without a Save the Date. People who are local will not be offended they didn’t get a Save the Date.
But it is a major faux pas to send a Save the Date card and NOT send a wedding invitation, which seems obvious to me.
Thanks, @runnersmom. It is still a very painful, unpleasant memory, and it was 3 years ago. The things she said were truly uncalled for, and she was so amazingly ungrateful that we’d included her friend at our event. Live and learn. No good deed goes unpunished. DS#1 and wife got engaged about 16 mos before they married, and we threw a large engagement party here on our coast, (it was sort of the E coast wedding) 5 mos after they got engaged. Some friends wanted to throw a shower for FDIL when they and her family were here so the shower was the day after the party. Its water under the bridge, but this person has criticized and complained about just about everyone at some point, and it was apparently my turn. She recently wanted me to fix her daughter up with a friend’s son who is quite successful in their field (the entertainment industry). I wouldn’t wish her as a potential MIL on my worst enemy.
Sure, you can throw a minimalist wedding. Imagine a meaningful, solemn ceremony, minus all the bells and whistles (oops, there go the goodie bags,) followed by an elegant dinner, again, without all the excesses.
Minimalist doesn’t mean inhospitable. Or, lol, leaving them to fend for themselves
My DD and her fiancé are also in the group of “if we don’t know them, we aren’t inviting them” group. I completely understand…because when we got married back in the Stone Age, we only invited people both of us had met.
No courtesy invites…at all. Not one. No friends JUST because we were invited to weddings, no business associates, and only the neighbors we see often.
We still ended up with a larger guest list than originally planned!
Back when my friends and I were getting married (late 70s/early 80s), the typical wedding was held in the sanctuary of a local church and the reception consisted of cake and punch in the fellowship hall of said church. Typically, the church would seat many people and the reception room would hold all of them. Since cake and punch were not nearly as expensive as sit-down dinners, there usually were hundreds of guests. There were no such thing as save-the-date cards. And it was considered a major, major breech of etiquette to invite someone to a shower who was not invited to the wedding.
After serving as a bridesmaid, guest registrar, cake/punch server for four or five weddings, I eloped without telling anyone. My mom’s friends hosted a wedding shower for me after the marriage was announced in the local newspaper.
Our wedding is on a holiday weekend…and a good chunk of the guests are from out of town. If that hadn’t been the case, we might have thought twice about Save the Date cards. Ours were postcards…and DD found a relatively inexpensive vendor online. We like how they came out…and really…they are helping our guests plan.
We have received a lot of calls and emails thanking us…because some of these folks usually have other plans that holiday weekend…which they can change.
I have three Save the Date cards on my fridge right now…and I’m expecting a fourth…all for weddings happening late spring through fall 2018.
We did save the date cards, as 75 percent of the 125 were coming from out of town and would need flights and lodging. If it was a “local” wedding, I would have skipped it.
The day-of-wedding coordinator was the key to making my daughter’s wedding run smoothly. She was worth every penny.
Our day-of-wedding coordinator was someone who was recommended by the venue. I think that’s a good way to find one. You know you’re getting someone who’s familiar with the venue, and that’s a big advantage.
Theoretically, I would agree but the planner/day of coordinator my DIL and her mother hired from a list provided by the venue was beyond incompetent, in our case. She actually caused havoc rather than creating calm on their wedding day. YMMV, but I would speak to references before hiring anyone, even if they come recommended by the venue. Postscript to our wedding: MOB complained to the venue and that person was taken off their list of preferred vendors.
@Marian - was your “day- of” in addition to someone assigned from your venue to be day-of? Our “fancy” venue assures us that they have this down, with their assigned person, yet I know myself well enough to know that I will not be looking to be the day-of point person, in addition to be the MoB. My current plan is to attend the “details” meetings, meet the person assigned, be present for tasting and call the need for a day-of 5 months ahead. I don’t know if that will work…Hope makes me wait. At some point, it is enough.
@runnersmom- good point about how to vet people. I remember your report and the disappointment. References help. Yet, it is important to note that some areas have what quite the network, with a lot of one hand washing the other.We have seen connections as we assemble our vendors. I know there can be duds anywhere. And some are supported by their peers. Also true that anyone can have their bad day… Tough to be confident, especially from afar.
This thread is very helpful for sharing tips. Thanks to all who are ahead of us in the process.
I’m hoping after spending tomorrow with the bride to be and her Mom to have a better idea of what they want. The save the date I think is important because the wedding is in a spot that almost all the guests will need a hotel. Most of the guests will at least be from the same state so I don’t think that making air plans is an issue. Thanks to a CC pointing out something that could be an issue I did a bit of research and the wedding weekend is most probably move in weekend for a UC so the guests might need to book rooms early.
I removed all but my three closest friends and their families from the list. My future DIL has also become close with 2 of my dear friends. One of who is going to be our wedding dress stylist tomorrow. My H has a couple of friends as well. What is harder is I want and my S would like his extended aunts and uncles. These are people that while we don’t see them regularly we love spending time with them.