@limulus, how awful! I am somewhat surprised that your parents didn’t object on the spot, but I supposed that their first instinct was not to make a scene at the wedding.
My oldest niece married a man with many sisters, 3, I think. She has 3 sisters herself. She wanted to include everyone, so she ended up with an enormous bridal party. I think there were 9+ bridesmaids, the groom’s niece and her youngest sister, who was about 3 or 4, were flower girls, and my S (age 4 or 5) was the ring bearer. The groom’s 2 brothers groomsmen, plus various other friends a fraternity brothers to go with all those bridesmaids!
The groom told me his sister’s really didn’t care, but I think at least everyone must have appreciated her desire not to leave anyone out.
Wow, just wow, to all of these stories. Weddings bring out the best, and they bring out the worst. Just like families!
@deb922 : I understand your feeling of wanting to stay with your child to the bitter end. In my case, I think my son’s in-laws should have said something – like, “We’re so glad we can hang out with everyone until the bride and groom leave,” which would have let me know what their plans were. Or, “We hope you don’t mind if we watch the game here with Bride and Groom; who knows when we’ll see them again.”
D’s fiance will have a couple of women standing with him as “groomsmen”. I just texted him to ask them if they wanted to do hair and makeup with the bridal party. I don’t want anyone sad or left out!
Wow. Those are some unbelievable stories! My heart hurts for all of them.
My FDIL did not ask my D (groom’s only sibling) to be in the wedding party. My D is ok with it as she doesn’t really know her very well and knows none of her friends. About a month or so ago, FDIL asked my ex-husband and D and their jazz combo to provide the music for the wedding, so she will be included in some way.
In the beginning, there was to be no traditional bridal party. My D and S would stand up for their brother and the bride’s two brothers were going to stand up for her. Somewhere along the way, that morphed into her brothers (and my other S) being groomsmen and my D being a bridesmaid, though those 4 did stand under the chuppah with their respective siblings and the rest of the bridal party sat in the front two rows. I agree with @doschicos that gender norms have changed and traditions may need to change as well.
So much good news as these long planned events take place. A few cautionary tales about keeping eyes on the big picture and viewing the totality from lots of vantage points.
DD is having 5 flower girls, mostly from groom’s side of family. They are older than usual (7-10). As I wondered if it was an unwieldy number, she explained how she wanted to be inclusive and bring the families together. When I met most of the girls at an engagement party hosted by the groom’s family, saw their connections and how they orchestrated an 8 kid performance as a gift to the bride and groom, priorities were clear. Looking forward to seeing them all again.
My daughter was a bridesmaid in a wedding where she was a friend of the groom. The bride invited D to everything (showers, bachelorette party) but daughter was a college student about 5 hours away and she didn’t go to any of the things except the wedding and the rehearsal dinner. I have to say my daughter didn’t try very hard to make it to the shower or bach. party (because she wasn’t 21 yet). It all seemed like a good idea when she was asked to be in the wedding, but it was really a lot bigger time commitment that D realized. The bride was extremely nice to my daughter, inviting me to the shower too, daughter’s boyfriend to the wedding.
She was invited to be in another wedding, and it was a good thing the bride changed her mind and sort of univited her. Daughter was in college, the wedding was Oct 1, it would have cost daughter a fortune to be in the wedding when she didn’t have the time or money.
Daughter did learn it is okay to tell the bride she doesn’t want to be in the wedding and just be a guest.
Thanks to everyone who wrote of their own experiences and of support for my D and I.
Sometimes you want to make everything be rainbows and unicorns. What I appreciate about this forum is that we can learn from the good and the not so perfect.
@C3Baker I feel your pain. These things are so hard.
Regarding gender norms in wedding parties…my D recently got married and she had a Man of Honor-her brother and only sibling. They have always been extremely close. S and SIL get along, but they’re not fast friends. S helped organize a shower (although he didn’t attend), walked down the aisle with the bridesmaids, held her bouquet, straightened her train, etc. He also had some humorous facial expressions while doing this. I think my etiquette-driven mother was biting her tongue big time.
D was Son’s “best person"at his wedding . She participated in the female events she was able to attend , shower and bachelorette weekend. Bride had her brother as her " best person”. D was at our home on the wedding day…breakfast and toast with groomsmen, makeup with me , and family pictures. Same at bride’s home.
Bride included sisters and friends as traditional bridesmaids and my son had close friends as traditional groomsmen.
Both “best persons” gave toast at wedding ,with the brides brother including his sisters making the toast.
The only local participants were bride and groom, but it all worked!
Deb I’m so sorry that happened to your D and to you. It’s not a good way for the bride to start treating her new family.
If my D1 marries the current gentleman, as it might now appear, there is a 13 year age difference between the potential groom and the Precious Baby King. My D is shocked by the possibility the PBK might not be a groomsman, but I kind of think he shouldn’t be. Of course, it’s not my business at all and I will not say a word, but it just feels awkward to me. which is not to say they don’t get along. They get along fabulously and share a similar temperament and are golf buddies, but I think the baby would feel out of place in the party.
Question? I hope this is not inappropriate, but for those of you who have purchased wedding cakes, can you give me a sense of what such a thing would cost for a wedding of less than 100 people that isn’t super formal?
I have a cousin who’s 6.5 years older than I. She got married at age 21, when I was maybe 14. I was one of her bridesmaids. It was very sweet of her to ask me, but in retrospect, it was also awkward for me. She did include me in a bridal shower, but as I recall, I was very uncomfortable being around all the adults.
It depends on the people involved, I think, as to whether such a thing is a good idea or not.
@zoosermom I check the websites for wedding cake pricing at some of the better bakeries in my area, an area which isn’t as pricey as major cities but not cheap either. For basic wedding cakes, they were quoting $4.50-4.75 per person plus delivery fee. Of course prices would go up for complex and time consuming decoration.
^^ That price looks about right for the bakeries in my D’s large Midwestern city, too. Right now D and her fiance are arguing (really – arguing?!) about traditional wedding cake versus a macaroon-cake-tower. Honestly! Just have them both!
