To add to my post above, usually shower gifts are brought to the shower if you are attending it, and opened there, while wedding gifts are shipped to the home of the bride and/or groom, or to the parents of the bride, depending where everyone is located. If you are sending a shower gift but not attending, you’d probably sent it to the bride, to the person giving the shower, or to some other reasonable recipient.
Now that I think of it, this might not be terribly convenient, if the shower is not in the vicinity of the bride’s home. But this has never arisen for me, since most of my friends had either no shower, or only one small one. Showers, in my experience, are not a big deal, but nice parties held at someone’s home. Obviously, this varies. There are people who commonly hold elaborate showers at restaurants.
It can be tough to navigate these things. Hopefully, people assume good intentions.
@rebeccar, just what consolation said. You give the photographer a list of family groups you want. Let your future family know how much you realize that their family will want group photos,
So you say," and here is the photographers card and her charge for an assistant, because I know you want extra time with her. And here is how your family can access the pictures and order what they want. I’m so happy you can get together like this. Photographer.com will let everyone order what they want, isn’t that great?
I would not facilitate the groom’s family being enabled to order extra photos at the wedding. They are almost sure to order lots of extra photos and then demand that the bride’s parents pay for them. Either the bride’s parents will be on the hook, or the photographer will be stiffed.
Tell the groom’s parents to have their friends take photos and share them to the web site.
" and here is the photographers card and her charge for an assistant, because I know you want extra time with her."
Honestly the groom’s parents sound a little aggressive and pushy. I’d be a little worried that if they had direct access to the photographer ahead of time that rebeccar would wind up with them dictating what they wanted for photos and the photographer’s photos reflecting that and rebeccar’s family being unhappy with the number of shots they received of the bride’s side of the family.
Seriously hoping DD doesn’t read this thread because she would find a way to put a horse on her registry.
@rebeccar, keep an eye on the big picture. You’re having the people you want at your wedding. Future IL’s have stated their position. Have the wedding you can afford (and give big hugs to your parents for their support). This will not be the only or biggest negotiation you will encounter as you’re blending families.
@rebeccar, I was married 30 years ago, so things have changed tremendously. But I seem to remember that the photographer charged us for x amount of hours, we were given a list of suggestions for photos and were able to add our own ideas and afterwards the photographer sent us an album of proofs from which we chose which pictures we wanted, how many, size etc. Maybe you could pay for the photographer, but have your FIL’s pay for any actual pictures they want. I agree with old fort. Your parents are already paying so much for this wedding. They should probably realize they will have to pay for the photographer too. Good luck to you.
@rebeccar I feel for you. It’s terribly difficult dealing with 2 families and their different expectations for this wedding and paying for it.
But my advice for dealing with both his parents and yours. His parents have said they are not able to contribute. They mean it, they aren’t contributing. I think they are being unreasonable but that’s what they have said and you and your parents must believe them.
Your parents heard what they said but now they want you to go back to the grooms parents and ask them for money that they’ve already said that they aren’t able to give.
When your parents complain about the expense of the wedding and want you to go to his parents for money that they keep saying no to, you need to tell your parents that you’ve already been through this. They aren’t paying for the wedding. If they would like you and your fiancé to pay for certain items, then you will pay. But you are done asking people for money that they are going to say no to.
It sounds to me that your parents haven’t accepted yet that his parents are firm in their refusal to fund this wedding. And whether they realize it or not, they are putting you in the middle.
@AllThisIsNewToMe - is there a chance that the “private dinner” was really a time for photos? At the wedding we just attended, they did, as is often the case, the photos after the ceremony, while the guests milled around for a cocktail hour. At least it was all in one location. IMO its challenging when the wedding is in one location and the reception is held somewhere else. May years ago my brother did that: An afternoon ceremony in NYC and a dinner in Connecticut! It was a challenge for the guests.
@rebeccar - you sound very considerate and trying carefully to manage the requests of your parents and future in laws. I agree that its time to tell your parents that you/you future H cannot (will not) go back to his parents and ask again for $. That said, its isn’t unreasonable to consider having your fiancé delicately tell his parents that if they have additional requests of the photographer that may require additional time/assistants/cost, that they would need to cover the cost of any additional expense for this. If they cannot/will not pay for any additional costs, then the photographer /staff will do their best to honor their requests after all the primary shots are completed. The photographer doesn’t want to be in the middle of issues with the parents, and will likely try their best to complete all requests, but its perfectly reasonable, IMO, for you/your parents, when making the plans with the photographer, to give them a list of what shots you want to be sure to get.
My S#2 ‘s fiancee’s family may pose a challenge if she decides to invite her father to the wedding (who did some pretty ugly things and her parents divorced several years ago, leaving her mom in a financially precarious situation and he has been an outcast). Fiancées mom is perfectly lovely but in no position to pay for anything. So the wedding costs will be covered by us and our S. I have a feeling if his fiancee’s family makes any unreasonable “requests” , we won’t hear about it. We haven’t yet finalized how we will be paying for things, but I would prefer not to just write him a big check without knowing how it is being spent. We’ve already been told we need to cut our list of inviteees (even though we are paying). Listening here to how other families are handling these delicate cakewalks is helpful.
My S got engaged 10 days ago and we are thrilled! We have already begun the necessary, albeit delicate, conversations about finances, invite list, etc. They really wanted to get married fall 2018 (in the city where they live) but, of course, every venue they liked is booked through December. So, it is looking like a December 2018 winter wedding!
Neither set of parents live in the same city as the newly engaged couple, so planning will be interesting. I have way more time than the MOB so, as of now, I have been doing all the preliminary research, calls, etc. At first, it felt uneasy, but after the budget “talk” it was decided that we will be paying for half the wedding costs so I feel a little more comfortable with the planning arrangement. We are in different financial situations, so this is a delicate cakewalk for all of us but I am hopeful we will navigate it appropriately.
I haven’t had a chance to read through this entire thread, but what I have read has been helpful. I have a million questions, so I plan on picking all of your brains in the next 14 months!
@dwhite, congratulations! My advice re: venues is to keep calling back. My S and DIL were engaged last November and wanted a fall 2017 wedding. When they first began calling venues, the first dates available were November/December and they did not want to wait that long. About 6 weeks later they called a venue that had not been originally available, and there had been a cancellation. Of course, if they’ve already booked a venue for December, congratulations again! I was married at the end of November and I think early winter weddings (it snowed on mine!) are great!
@rebeccar, I have nothing to add to the wonderful advice you’ve been given except to offer hugs to you. When two families with different visions are involved in wedding planning, issues are, I think, inevitable, but your future ILs seem more difficult than most. Like your parents, I was loathe to have my S to cover costs I was asked to cover at the last minute, though he offered. He (they) could have certainly afforded to contribute, but my H and I wanted to do for them whatever they asked - trust me, it ended up being a lot more than we had budgeted for this wedding given what we’d originally been asked to do. However, we could afford it.
Also, although I understand that all the guests from your fiancé’s side are people he wants there, it still seems like a big ask if his family is not covering some of the costs. Kudos to you and your parents for being so understanding. But, as others have said, the rabbit hole will continue to get bigger if someone does not put the brakes on…now. It may be uncomfortable, but would your parents be willing to sit down with his parents, and the two of you, and lay out exactly what they are and are not willing to pay for - making it clear that they do not expect the two of you to pick up any difference. I hear you on having control of the decisions (like the band), but I really wouldn’t want your parents to feel resentful as your venue fills with his family and their friends the day of your wedding. On this front, believe me, I know. It’s not worth it…my H is still complaining.
My sister, as the MOG, offered to pay for the welcome party, but as the cost began to mount, they were asked at the last minute to cover the transportation and photographer. The transportation was originally presented as a limo for the wedding party from hotel to the venue (bride’s grandmother house), less than a mile away, but it became to and from the hotel/venue for all guests in taxis. They had to use taxis because it was too late to hire buses.
The bride’s family only wanted one particular photographer, so there was no price comparison.
Both of items turned out to be more than what my sister/husband planned for, but they were able to pay for it and they kept quiet about it.
After my sister’s experience, I told D1 to have a frank discussion with her future in-laws on what they wanted to contribute upfront rather than wait until last minute.
@oldfort, our experience as MOG/FOG exactly, though the ask was for transportation and add-on desserts for the wedding --there was no formal “wedding cake” and the venue only provided cookies. We smiled, took care of it all, and it far exceeded what we thought our contribution would be for the wedding. We had offered to provide the rehearsal dinner and the brunch the next day, as well as an engagement party that would have been more modest, I think, had I known about the other expenses. As with your S and her H, we could afford it and didn’t make waves, but my H is still a little resentful…whether he should be or not. Difference in our case was that we had the conversation up front, and, as the expenses for the MOB grew, the kids asked us for more…I’m not sure the ask came from MOB at all, and my S did offer to cover the costs, but you know how that went!
@rebeccar If you can afford it, I recommend a day of coordinator. One thing the ones I’ve known have done is orchestrate things like first dance, cake cutting, etc and make sure the photographer is taking the right pictures. Then you won’t have to engage with MIL at the wedding and MIL is dealing with someone that looking after your interests first and that she has no emotional leverage with. In terms of cost, once you’ve gotten the pics you want, if photographer spends time taking pics of F family, then it won’t hurt. Nice thing is now pictures are digital and you give them access to pictures online after the wedding and they buy what they want directly - they either spend the money or they don’t.
I should’ve mentioned this before but at the beginning of the wedding planning, FH’s parents told my parents that they couldn’t pay for half the wedding or anything like that, but they “have heard of the groom’s family chipping in for band, photography, and/or flowers, and might be able to do that.” So it’s not as though my parents are suddenly changing any expectations or demanding new things, just returning to the possibility that his parents already brought up about paying for the extras. Luckily we haven’t planned anything we can’t afford without their assistance, so there is no scenario in which we’re suddenly on the hook for something and unable to pay. I do appreciate all the perspectives, once again! I think I’ve gotten everything I need on this subject, so thanks
Our FSIL’s parents asked what they should pay for right at the start, and FSIL asked us. We said it would be nice if they would pay for the rehearsal dinner. In his culture, parents of the groom traditionally pay for the wedding, so they asked if they could contribute more. We settled on half the cost of the reception - we’ll pay for flowers, photographer, DJ, church/minister/organist, etc. It was all very lovely, with no demands from either us or the groom’s family - and the kids are doing a great job keeping costs down while planning a very beautiful wedding. After reading may posts here, I am feeling very fortunate.
@jym626 , no, they took 20-30 minutes after the pictures to eat together in a private room. I’m happy they got to eat (I don’t think I ate anything at my reception except the wedding cake). They’re lovely people, but it did lengthen the gap.
A couple of the venues we toured said they would seat the bride and groom for a few minutes and encourage them to eat a bit. Otherwise, they would likely not eat at all! Of course these were situations where there was no formal sit down meal.
