While we are on the topic of gifts, if one is invited to a shower and attends and takes a gift, is one expected to buy another gift for the wedding? I consider a “shower” gift and a “wedding” gift the same. A person at my FDIL’s shower brought a gift (actually two) and then commented about getting the “real” wedding gift later.
“We’re going to have photos of the ceremony, the B and G and our family, and some traditions…” (whatever yours are, some special dance, eg,) "Do you want to have pics of your guests? I’d be happy to put you in touch with the photographer and you can make your arrangements. "
But I guess that’s not too friendly.
@musicmom1215 - I don’t consider them the same. If I’m invited to a shower I bring a gift. I also will send a wedding gift.
Photographers do not charge for number of pictures they take, they charge a flat fee for X number of hours for an event.
Thanks for the input! Basically what I figured. To be clear, I don’t have any problem with the number of people. They are all people that FH wants there (the original list from his parents was about 400 on their side, it was cut down to 200ish and is virtually all family and close family friends now, which I have no desire to object to). My parents will pay for the first certain # amount, FH will pay for the next certain # amount, and his parents will pay for anything after that, which might not be many people once we factor in those who rsvp no. If they can’t come up with their amount, FH is willing and able to cover them. We both have strong savings so it isn’t a huge deal.
Sorry again if I’m coming across as entitled or demanding in any way. I know I’m very fortunate overall to be in this situation! I am fully aware that it is on the bride and groom themselves to pay for any wedding, nothing beyond that should be expected, it’d just be… nice?.. if his parents could chip in a bit. But to be honest, there are some benefits because we don’t need to acquiesce to any pushiness. They recently hated our band, for example, but we are able to just tell them sorry, we like them and are going to use them. If they were paying for the band we’d be less able to do that.
In my experience, a shower and wedding are two separate events and call for two separate gifts.
IMO its not nice to look a gift horse in the mouth. When we hosted an engagement party and a friend hosted a shower here for DS/DIL who live across country, we shipped those gifts brought to the parties that they couldn’t take back in extra luggage we had. Will do the same for the upcoming event for DS#2. The guests were thoughtful enough to bring a gift. I am not going to sneer at them for those who did not ship it (and where DS and DIL lived at the time the upstairs neighbor/landlady was reluctantly willing to take in packages that came for them when they were out of town. IMO the “rude” ones were the ones who came, said they forgot the gift at home and would drop it off, and never did. Oh well.
Recently we travelled across country to our granddaughter’s birth 3 different friends brought over gifts that “wouldn’t take up much room in our luggage” but given that there were 3 separate gifts, it took up half our suitcase (DH and I brought one larger suitcase b/c I was on crutches and couldn’t carry a carryon - I used a backpack) and he had to help me with my crutches/knee scooter so we were limited with what we could manage. By the time a 3rd person brought something that “wouldn’t take up much room” I was a bit annoyed (was also in pain and cranky) and I fear in retrospect I wasn’t as gracious as I wanted to be with people who were kind enough to want to give my kids a gift. Hopefully it wasn’t too obvious, but I may have said something about hoping I had room and that we’d ship it if we didn’t. Sure, it would have been more convenient for me if they’d skipped the gifts, but one of them had just had a double mastectomy, so far be it from me to complain that she went out of her way to get a sweet gift and bring it to me (she and I were both recovering from our medical isssues and weren’t very mobile).
So, IMO, if someone wants to give a gift, I might prefer it if they ship something big (a friend and I did that recently when we bought a combined big shower gift - and we had something small to give her at the shower that went with the gift we’d shipped) but I am not going to grouse when someone gives a gift.
Wedding gifts and shower gifts are TWO separate gifts. If you go to a shower, you take a shower gift. If you then attend the wedding, you send a wedding gift. The shower gift is not the wedding gift.
You can decline to attend the shower or wedding…and not send a gift for the one you don’t attend.
My opinion.
“While we are on the topic of gifts, if one is invited to a shower and attends and takes a gift, is one expected to buy another gift for the wedding?”
Yes, two gifts. Often a shower gift is less expensive than a wedding gift.
I am grateful that no one thought to give my daughter and her husband a horse. Their HOA would go ballistic.
The kids who got married last weekend got 2 small gifts at the wedding. Everything else was envelopes. Most gifts were sent to their house earlier.
One gift was from the MOH and her spouse. The other was from a friend of mine. She’s an artist and made them a piece of handmade pottery which was personalized. The kids were driving home so 2 very small gifts were easy for them to take home. But there was not lots of gifts.
Chiming in to add that a shower gift is separate from a wedding gift. We recently attended a wedding where there were 3-4 separate gifts: I went to the engagement party (sent a gift from their registry to their home out of town and brought a bottle of wine to the party which was local here, at her mom’s who is a friend), the shower (thats the one I went in on a gift with someone else (a wok set, from their registry) and we had it shipped, and then we brought something small that went with the gift (fancy chopsticks and a spider strainer with bamboo handle) and finally, DH and I brought a gift (card with check inside) to the wedding.
Finally… a sense of humor!
@Marian and @jym626 - my youngest would think the gift of a horse would be the coolest wedding gift ever.
@rebeccar - other posters are correct that photographers usually charge for a certain number of hours and it will include some shots before the ceremony, during the ceremony, and during the reception. Different packages will include different numbers or types of “albums” of prints they provide. Just contract with the photographer for what YOU want. Your parents, his parents, and any guests will be able to buy directly from the photographer from their web site.
If you have a big wedding, you might want to ask the photographer to take one shot of each table at your reception if you are having a sit down dinner. That way you’ll get at least one photo of everyone. My sister did that and really treasured the photos because, of course, she didn’t get to visit with each person very thoroughly.
And no, you don’t come across as entitled! We all want to help you because you are in a bit of a tricky situation with your overbearing inlaws.
If you are really having over 300 people…make sure you hire a photographer who brings a second shooter with him. That person can do the table shots. Your main photographer can do what YOU want.
So far, your future in laws seem to be calling the shots. On this one…I would make it clear to the photographer what pictures YOU want taken…and also that NO ONE else can add to the list except maybe your mom.
Yes, the photographer is going to be with you for a contracted number of hours (our photographer and his second shooter will be with us from 10am to 11:30pm).
But if your inlaws have a couple hundred guests…it could take forever to get the pics they want done. Don’t let them do this to you, get what YOU want.
The horse would be hard to ship back home.
Kidding aside, I do seem to recall (I think) that DIL’s parents may possibly have transported some gifts back to their home from the wedding (2 hrs away) as the bride and groom were heading off on their honeymoon. It is definitely more convenient to have wedding gifts shipped to the bride/groom’s home (one of my friends had the gifts shipped to her home for her daughter, as there was more room in the parents’ home than at their apt, and they live locally) than to bring them to the wedding, but that said, not sure I’d consider it “rude” to bring a gift. Inconvenient, yes, rude, no.
Yes, you are. In some traditions, the shower gift is a physical object of some kind, often off a registry, if there is one, and the wedding gift is money. Very common in Mediterranean and Eastern European cultures.
In my tradition, giving money is totally off the table, unless, perhaps, one is a parent or elderly relative. A shower gift is something comparatively modest, usually for the kitchen or bath or home, and a wedding gift is something more formal and substantial, usually off the registry, such as fine china, crystal, silver, fine table linens, nice kitchenware, ornamental items like candlesticks and bowls and things of that sort.
@rebeccar , I would urge you to have very specific instructions for your photographer. No one can expand it except your mother. I believe you can have a photo-sharing site. Encourage people to take candids on their cell phones and send the photos to such a site.
@missypie , I am so with you! Since when did attending a wedding mean an 8-9 hour commitment!?! We just attended one an hour away with a two hour gap between wedding end and reception start. Once we finally got to the reception the happy couple was whisked away to have “a private dinner” while we mulled around the ballroom. I love the family, but I just thought it was thoughtless!
" Once we finally got to the reception the happy couple was whisked away to have “a private dinner” while we mulled around the ballroom."
First time I’ve ever heard of something like this. Was the wedding of a specific culture where it might represent some kind of tradition?