DIL’s hair stylist drove down from SF and did our hair/makeup in that front house/cabin with the loft, @mom60.
Enjoy weekend weddings this weekend, to all who are partaking!
@jym626 the bride and some of the bridesmaids had hair and makeup done in the red house by a stylist out of Oakland. The cost of bringing in a 2nd stylist was costly so I decided to go with my girls and a friend to a salon down the hill. We loved our hair and makeup and were happy with the choice but as you know it’s 20 minutes up and back to the venue.
Another thing is if you’re involved with getting hair and makeup done make sure you allow time to eat a bit of lunch.
Congrats @intparent and others celebrating this weekend!!
We 've got a venue, and paid the deposit, connected their planner with the bride and she will handle things from here. We talked to my son and her about their budget (they were guessing too high for what makes sense for them, and too low about what things cost) and have done an admirable job of swallowing disappointments and prioritizing what they want vs what they can afford.
DH and I are paying for the entire reception, at a cost that is more than we would have been really comfortable with, which brings me to the question nagging at me: Our oldest is not in a relationship and with no signs of one on the horizon. I know he has his financial struggles because he just doesn’t get paid a whole lot for a a job he really loves. Enough to live on, pay bills, for sure, but he has a housemate by necessity, etc. I am feeling anxious that my oldest is feeling a little sad or even resentful that we have found a way to put out all this for a wedding, while he struggles alone. We also help my youngest pay his considerable medical bills, and that’s not something anyone sees as optional, but people are human and inequity can be hard to accept.
Thoughts? Coping strategies?
@mom60 - we sent the guys into town to bring back food when we were at that venue. This year DH was sent out earlier to bring in supplies for mimosas with bagels and shmear.
@greenbutton Do you have the resources to help out your oldest in some way, perhaps fund something he has been wanting to do like a trip or another purchase?
If not, I’d just be honest with him and let him know he is loved and appreciated and perhaps at a time in the future you can help him out financially.
@greenbutton, I’ve thought about telling my kids I have roughly X amount of money for them, for wedding, grad school, help with a down payment on a house, or whatever.
If they choose to use it for one thing, it won’t be there for others. I also get to set the amount I’m comfortable with, for any particular thing, so I’m not just gifting each kid the money.
This is definitely a work in progress thought…
We had a similar situation, altho not with a wedding. We gave S1 one of our cars with relatively low mileage on it when he moved cross-country, but felt bad that we weren’t gifting S2 anything. We decided that we would help S2 with grad school tuition up to the amount of the value of the car at the time we gave it to S1. Three years later, when S2 went to grad school, we gave him the money for tuition. He had said all along that it wasn’t necessary, but we felt better not slighting him.
I realize the value of that car is probably less than you’re spending on a wedding reception, so do what feels right for you.
If another child is just scraping by, honest efforts but lower income, why not offer him 500 or 1k for bills and his own expenses for his brother’s wedding, let him be part of deciding if he wants this help now or later? Otherwise, it could be pressure on the marriage aspect, which isn’t on the horizon yet.
We’ll have this issue when D1 marries, as D2’s wedding was so incredibly inexpensive.
My oldest doesn’t tend to want things, and his expenses for the wedding should be minimal. He wants to take a trip w his brother – just them — and I thought to help pay for that but DH has a point in that it’s still related to the wedding and not a Bro trip if Mom pays for it…Maybe just money as an “equity” payment makes sense. I do feel better knowing other people have thought of this too.
@greenbutton Could you help him fund a Roth IRA or something along those lines?
We try hard to be very equitable with our kids to avoid potential hard feelings. It would be different if one had health issues or something beyond their control but otherwise I make it very equal.
Yes! We started one for each of them several years ago. We only put a tiny bit in each year.
My mom and dad are also very equity-focused — maybe too much. My inlaws, however, are very INequitable as were my FIL’s parents, and it only generate problems.
Your other son’s wedding expenses might be low, but his future wife might have other ideas! I would hesitate to give him money now to keep things even unless you are prepared to give it to married son in the future if unmarried son has a fancy wedding.
Something to entertain while we await hearing about @intparent’s daughter’s wedding. 
Not sure how true this is but it is entertaining:
https://www.womansday.com/life/a23399871/ridiculous-bride-requests/
https://www.goodmorningamerica.com/living/story/couple-devoted-hurricane-irma-relief-efforts-donated-wedding-57146357
This was the wedding of the daughter of someone I work with.
My daughter has set her date and has gotten many basic vendors. This will cost us a lot .If other D wants the same , she will have it. but if she wants less I don’t feel I need to make up the difference. We paid for private HS and college so do not feel we need to help with grad school. Although we help with some living expenses.
@downtoearth That’s a really nice story.
It also makes me wonder what the state of those devastated islands is today…
We have two daughters. First one got married at age 23 - we gave money (modest by most wedding standards but was a major portion of their costs), groom’s parents did a rehearsal dinner that worked in their budget and worked out great. DD2 (now 22) probably will get married but it may be down the road. In order to be fair/equal, she got a good used vehicle from us (that she had been using and she was happy with) that was worth more than what we gave DD1. DD1/SIL have a baby now. It seems now we do things for DD2 and GD, while also some things for DD1/SIL. These adults are self sufficient, but what we do is welcome - my parents were comfortable in their 50’s and were appropriately generous. For example we have floated money to DD2 as she set up her own apt (her college apt was furnished) recently. As she continues on this year, she will have a repayment plan. Both DDs are very appreciative - IMHO we are not overly financially generous. Really what we try to do is let them live their lives but also give guidance - mistakes we had made and our lessons learned. I was shocked when DD2 told me growing up that she thought/felt that I acted like I was perfect (and I was far from it!). I told her you always have the goal high so that may be where the message was, and not judging her…Growing up, kids have ideas, and once adults they can maybe see things with an adult mind.
@inparent reporting in! It was GLORIOUS. Weather was beautiful, venue was elegant and well organized, everyone was truly happy for the couple. The toasts were touching and appropriate, the bride cried a little during her vows, and the dance floor was hopping until the closing song.
First photos have come back, and they are great. The bridesmaids were in navy, which photographed better than I expected, and the bouquets were really vibrant with a lot of bright colors. My D’s dress was stunning – I hadn’t seen it on her other than in photos until she put it on at the venue, and it was perfect. Her hair and makeup were perfect as well. I had only seen photos and wasn’t sure (particularly about the hair extensions she used to get a sleek updo look), but it looked amazing.
Rehearsal dinner was a lively party, hosted by groom’s parents with great food at a renowned steakhouse.
D2, who is pretty quiet, had a great time. She socialized, danced, and went out for late drinks after the rehearsal dinner with her cousins (so much fun to see them all grown up and going out as a group!). And looked beautiful in her role as a bridesmaid, too.
Unlike some other posters, I didn’t feel rushed at all. Our side of guests was pretty small, about 30 people, since it was far from D’s hometown and most relatives. So I had enough time to circulate and spend time talking with almost everyone, and catch up with D’s friends from college that I knew as well.
There were a few very minor hiccups. Mosquitos – we had spray, but the wedding party got a bit munched on during photos on the lawn of the venue. Even through the see through portion of the bride’s dress. Photographer will be photoshopping out a few welts, I think. Fortunately no one in the party cares much about wearing fragrances. We all smelled the same after the first few minutes – eau de bugspray. It did push people inside for the cocktail period before dinner, but there was enough space before we went to the tent for dinner. Somehow they kept the bugs out of the tent even though the sides were open, I didn’t see one inside all evening.
The bride’s dress developed a tear down the left seam right below the hip, about 3 inches long between photos and the ceremony. Well prepared bridesmaid to the rescue – she had an emergency kit that included a sewing kit, and stitched it up without having to take the dress off. Barely noticeable unless you knew it was there. And the bride forgot to put on her earrings until partway through the pre-ceremony photos, but that was taken care of as well.
We could have had more cake, they ran out. The cake was made by the venue, I think they could have done a better job of judging how much was needed. And the bride’s carefully documented task list kind of got ditched during the reception, so things weren’t loaded into cars before the bus left to take most guests and the wedding party back to the hotel. Doing it again, I’d have made sure that got taken care of a little earlier.
So – a rousing success. The couple are off on their “mini-moon” for a couple of days. I stayed in their apartment last night, and am flying home today. Yay!
@intparent, my oldest niece’s wedding dress split down the back zipper during the reception! My other nieces came and got me, and I sewed her securely back into it without her taking it off. You couldn’t tell afterwards, but I bet she and her new H had fun getting her out of it, LOL.
Congratulations on a lovely wedding accomplished. 
Congrats, intparent! Happy for you.