Yes, we had it in the Episcopal church. Absolutely useless. (And as an aside, the priest who did it ended up charged later with child abuse). My D who just got married had it via their officiant. I have a sense it was marginal better — but they’d been dating for a long time, so I think there were few surprises.
We had PMC and I was so intimidated. We lived together. Back then, an Episcopal priest could deny approval (some, eg wouldn’t marry a couple if one had been divorced.) It varied per congregation. Obviously, we passed.
If the religious aspect is important to the bride’s parents, would the couple consider a blessing by your priest? Just them, parents, sibling?
OMG I’m getting ptsd flashbacks here from my own wedding.
One thing I can add to this conversation is that despite seven years of a smooth sailing relationship, our year of being engaged was the most trying time for us when it should have been the happiest. Constant pressure from both of our families - mostly religious and financial - made things so stressful. My husband and I knew exactly what we wanted but we felt a lot of weight coming from our parents about what THEY wanted. What THEY would pay for. What THEY insisted on because they were paying. I recommend coming up with a number that you will contribute and then taking a step back. To a reasonable extent, the money shouldn’t have strings attached. I guarantee it’s going to lead to resentment. If you want to contribute, that’s great, but I would either just do it or not do it. Don’t make it dependent on them making their ceremony a certain way. Coming from the other side as the bride, I would have rather turned down the money than given the parents control over how my own wedding ceremony goes.
@greenbutton I’m very sorry your future DIL is in this place with her mom. I would suggest you be available to listen to the DIL and provide support for her. Perhaps you could coach her on boundary setting. It’s probably tough for her to know how to navigate this with her mom especially during this highly emotional time. Listening without negative comments could be helpful for her. She’s lucky to have you.
I do think the city choice is part of the way bride’s parents feeling maybe more obligated to footing more of the costs than maybe comfortable with. Sounds like the groom’s parents and the couple want a big bash. And the wedding so far out…
Some parents (like us) have spent a lot on college, and less so on wedding blow out.
I know what I would do, but certainly these parents need to navigate the waters the way they are comfortable. We gave our DD money (not a huge amount, but enough, and they cash flowed the rest as young professionals) and they had the wedding in their city (100 miles from us) - and they had a wonderful Catholic wedding (both sides are Catholic and Bride/Groom very committed Catholics). Almost all of the guests were their friends from the city DD has lived in for 5 years and the groom for shorter time (and a few close friends from our city and from another city groom lived in not far) - some family on both sides and a few of our friends and groom’s parents’ friends. It was their wedding, but groom’s parents and we were very pleased with all the things they had for THEIR wedding.
DC and venues’ costs and rising costs, YIKES! And are the bride’s parents going to have to have all the stresses of the details of the wedding with bride/groom so far away?
Parents IMHO do need to judge a bit if this is going to be a marriage that will last - is this the first time they are meeting DD’s fiance? Have they met his parents? Has DD met his parents/spent much time around them? Family dynamics and what bride and groom expects out of marriage. We met DD’s future in-laws after they were engaged and planning the wedding - no problems between the families and happy marriages all around. We were happy DD/SIL’s wedding had smooth sailing.
Lots of time for marriage preparation that the couple can decide if they need/want. Couples that want a huge fabulous expensive wedding - some have maturity to know this is the first day of the rest of their lives as married; some get so hung up on the ‘event’ that they don’t work more on the marriage part.
Recently know of an only child marrying an only child with both families local - big expensive blow out wedding; 6 months later she moved out as she was cheating on him (as her mother had done to her dad) - they didn’t expect the gal to follow her mother’s behavior pattern, but she did. Hind sight is 20-20.
BIL’s W “married up” - in her view for her 3rd marriage, left BIL after 12 years of marriage and he helping raise her two kids (she was 17 and her first H was 25 when she got pg with her first of their two sons). She was late 20’s with marriage to BIL. There were some red flags for BIL.
I can totally see why @rebeccar 's wedding planning was so stressful with such strong family thoughts/feelings/inputs. Living close to all the family has its pros and cons too…but maybe family’s focus is on other things (my MIL asked for grandchildren on H’s and my wedding day…younger brother fulfilled this many years before we did…). We chose jobs far away! But MIL asked on the phone every week until H and I wrote a letter.
Thank you @rom828 – that’s what we’ve been trying to do, just with mixed results. My son is very good at taking the phone, saying something along the lines of , okay, everyone is yelling and that won’t help, so I’m hanging up now and you call back when you are feeling a little more calm. And then he hangs up on MOB. They don’t want to share much of the details with MOB since she tends to be very controlling and negative, but I feel like that might backfire. I explained paying for the reception as a practicality issue that left her with “the fun things” like the dress (which she now actively hates) or the flowers (Bride is ambivalent, MOB takes that personally, I assured her that it’s “so early, we just need to be patient and let them decide”) or the cake (MOB feels all our bakeries are inferior). Sigh.
Another thing MOB wants to do is have everyone who wants to stand up at the reception and “tell a funny story about the couple”. I just nodded and have my fingers crossed we can swerve around that idea when the time comes. MOB homeschooled (public schools are full of stupid people), travelled extensively (a great thing) , never taught Bride to drive (my DH did that, unbeknownst to Mom), deeply suspicious of religion (weak minded people who are judgemental)…I remind myself she had no parenting peer support or models. Bride wants to spend a weekend with me baking for the rehearsal dinner, and I have to gently say 'No" because I think it will really irritate MOB. But it would have been nice.
Premarital counseling is mandatory in my denomination. MOB keeps “reminding” Bride that if she has the wrong answers, she can’t be married in our church. Which is completely false. Oy.
I’d suggest FDIL not answer the phone every time MOB calls. Go ahead and bake with her, which sounds lovely, and not tell MOB.
The problem with toxic people is the deep effect they can have on us and our own thinking. I like that you want to give FDIL some respite from that, some balance. But no one can truly change MOB. Only how you all react to her shenanigans. Best luck with this.
Agree with not limiting your time with FDIL in order to pacify the MOB. That is not fair to either of you.
@SOSConcern thank you for your thoughts. Much of that really resonates! We have met the groom four times and we have not yet met his parents. Our daughter has spent more time with them. She has attended one of his family weddings and he has attended one of ours.
We expect/hope to host his parents for a few days in early February.
We are about to celebrate 35 years. Our wedding was important to our families, but looking back the reception was our parents’ party (I’m ok with that). We merged two large Italian and Irish clans who continued to gather over the years, even when we lived on the opposite coast.
While we are Catholic, we are not overwhelmingly religious. We don’t have any crosses on the wall! Being Catholic is part of our roots and a touch point as we go through life. (We buried a baby and three of our four parents have died). Some days we are just checking off boxes. Other days are meaningful.
It’ll be a good weekend. I just wish younger D’s BF could be here too.
You may be dealing with a geographic price difference!
We live in the pricey northeast. Friends had a daughter who was marrying a fellow from South Carolina, where both the bride and groom lived after college. They DID have over 300 at the wedding. The MOB (bride is from northeast) told me that the costs for the wedding in SC were easily less than 1/3 of the cost of the same wedding here in our area. So…that’s where the wedding was…and it was fabulous.
A relative lives in DC. They searched the area for wedding venues for their DD. They ended up having a very gorgeous destination wedding. The bride’s family hosted three evening meal events with entertainment (welcome party, rehearsal dinner, wedding) for less than 1/2 of what a DC wedding would have cost.
It’s very possible that the bride…and groom don’t realize how expensive a DC wedding can be.
If there are estimates for $40k for the food/bev, you can count on the total running double that for the rest of the festivities. DC and the burbs are very expensive. The place S1 and S2 rented (public arts space) is now running $5k for a full day’s rental – which is pretty much a given because you can’t set up in advance without a two day rental.
You really don’t need a full day, though. My D got married near Baltimore (she & SIL live in DC, so Baltimore is close but a bit cheaper). They did it at the Elkridge Furnace Inn, which has a nice ceremony location, and does everything food & drink related for you (and does all the setup, takedown, provides linens, silverware, tables, chairs, etc). Kids dealt with DJ, photographer, florist, escort cards, table numbers, and bus service to and from Baltimore hotel outside of that, but an awful lot was handled by the venue. They provide a coordinator, too, for the day of. We got “possession” of the venue at 4 pm, wedding was at 6, and reception had to be over by 11, but it was perfect. We didn’t really need more time. I can’t tell you exactly what they paid, but I know it was cheaper than some places they looked at in DC and close DC suburbs.
But 300 people is a LOT of guests (they had about 125). Cutting the guest list is one way to definitely cut the cost.
@intparent, S1’s venue didn’t provide any assistance with food/bev, setup other than tables and chairs. We had to rent linens, plates, silverware, glassware, food warmers and provide all the food. We got the building at noon and had four hours to get everything set up, decorated and food safely stored. We were out by 11pm after cleaning up ourselves. It was heavily DIY and I acted as coordinator. It was a lovely, fun wedding, but I spent insane amounts of time organizing and doing things to make it that way. Could have used a day-of coordinator, but so much of it was not typical and it would have been difficult to pull that together without being involved earlier in the process.
tl;dr-- consider a coordinator for a big wedding!
Right — my D figured out early that she wanted a place that would take care of most of that stuff. She took a lot of venues off her list because she didn’t want to have to handle those items. They do the cleanup, too. 
Regarding post 7336 @twoinanddone - a bar mitzvah and a thirteenth birthday can’t be considered the same. A birthday party is to celebrate a birthday. A Bar Mitzvah party is to celebrate one being called to read from the Torah for the first time.
A wedding is a joining together of two people in marriage. It is a joining and marriage and a religious ceremony whether it takes place in a Catholic Church, a synagogue, any of the other Christian denominations. It is also a joining of two people together in marriage even if it takes place in a park or non religious venue by a unaffiliated officiant. If is each family’s choice what they want to pay for but in my opinion it doesn’t bode well for future family relationships if we only offer to pay for what we want.
My S and his wife were from two different religions. They chose an officiant who was knowledgeable in my faith but was open to all religions. She created a beautiful service that had elements of both Judaism and the traditions of the brides family. She also required them to have counseling with her.
D1 and her H had their wedding at a “chapel like” place and had a good family friend to officiate it. D1 wasn’t brought up with any religion and didn’t want it in a church. The ceremony had religious readings, and also with other readings.
The groom’s family was Catholic, but was happy with the ceremony. When their daughter got married, it was in a beautiful Catholic church. It was nice D1’s in-laws were so accepting.
My s and his wife were married in an outdoor venue under a gazebo. His clergy certification was from, as he said, “the church of the internet”. The book he held in his hand during the ceremony… was a Harry Potter book.
Left out that the “clergy” was the bride’s brother-- from the church of the internet.
Love it, jym.
Well, we are starting our adventure. DD is marrying a Dominican Republic citizen. They are doing a civil cermony there second week of January and planning a wedding there in the fall so they can start the immigration process. FSIL parents don’t speak English and we, including DD, don’t speak Spanish so communications with them has to be through FSIL. The civil ceremony is complicated with the notarized translations of everything and hiring a translator for the cermony (required). Since much of the paperwork cannot be completed until she gets down there the first week of January, the Judge will not give them a date until she sees everything. I am trying to decide if we should go and stay around for a week to cover the dates. She said she would Facetime it for us and we would be there for the fall ceremony. It’s expenisve to go so I am torn between spending the money now or saving it for the wedding.