Yes, they want the list. But has anyone ever had a venue that wouldn’t let you swap a name? The lie would just be really transparent, IMHO.
My d gets married Dec. 29th. I am trying to figure out whether the dress should be pressed ahead of time? It is a destination wedding, we live the closest at a 4 hour drive. I have called some places to figure out pricing and timing. Some of the places want the dress a week or more ahead of time. I am not driving there that far ahead over a holiday.
What is a reasonable time frame and price range to get a dress pressed ahead of time? And does it really need done?
Do you have room for it to spread out in the vehicle? Can you get it borrow a hand steamer of some kind if it wrinkles a bit in transit?
Unfortunately there is no room in the vehicle to spread it out, we have 3 people riding in a ford fusion. I can see about getting a hand steamer.
D1 hand steamed her dress at the hotel, which set off the fire alarm. Everyone had to leave, with the town fire trucks and such. D1 kept on saying it couldn’t have been her steamer. Good thing was it was only the wedding party and my family at the small hotel.
“Unfortunately there is no room in the vehicle to spread it out, we have 3 people riding in a ford fusion.”
Might be cheaper and easier to rent a bigger vehicle than the effort and cost of getting the dress pressed once there.
MOG here…and we have a problem of sorts. MOB has a somewhat fractious relationship wih her daughter, although she is perfectly civil to us. Yet, she is repeatedly calling up the bride to …well, harass her over stuff. Tonight it was how the dress (which she’s never seen) will be deemed inappropriate and the church will refuse to marry them. (it’s our church, our town) . Yesterday it was how there has to be a runner. Last time she called here, it was how we had been cornered into paying for the reception (not true, we offered, I cleared that up). There have been other incidents and we expect more. Bride and I are doing fine.
I don’t want to antagonize MOB, don’t pretend that I can fix what is broken here, but like my son I feel like someone has to provide support and cover from Mom. I’m not sure how appropriate it is for me to try and mediate, either.
Anybody else with a difficult counterpart? Solutions? She is a single mom, bride is her only child. Very much loves my son, tells us so all the time and clearly means it. But told them once to hurry up and get engaged before my son “gets bored of you and moves on” . Also told bride to lose weight or everyone would think she was pregnant at the altar.
That is too bad about MOB. It must be difficult for the bride. I feel for her.
Maybe the MOB is feeling insecure about losing her daughter to you guys.
“I don’t want to antagonize MOB, don’t pretend that I can fix what is broken here, but like my son I feel like someone has to provide support and cover from Mom. I’m not sure how appropriate it is for me to try and mediate, either.”
I’d stay out of it. It’s between your future daughter in law and her mother. Perhaps her mom is feeling insecure in not having enough role in the wedding since you are paying for the reception. Perhaps the bride and groom can give her some aspects of the wedding that she can have control over.
It looks like I’m joining this club as MOB.
D1 became engaged a couple of weeks ago and active planning has begun. D1 and fiancé will be here this weekend, and I foresee two challenging conversations. Both were raised Catholic but fiancé is against a Catholic wedding. We’ve paid for two full private college educations and DH and I are not on boat with paying for a big non-religious wedding.
And try this on, they have a guest list of 300. (Our side’s count is less than 120, including her college friends). We haven’t had any contact yet with his parents. I hear they are willing to pay for the band/DJ as he is an only child.
Yikes!
Wish me luck!
You could lay out the budget of what you will pay, period. To be honest, I think it is not a good start with your future SIL to push a wedding in a religion he does not share on the couple. Seems very rigid to say it should be in your religion (as a parent) for what is their wedding. I’m not sure why your budget would be affected by whether they married in your church or not.
I gave my D a budget. His parents chipped in some and the couple paid some. My ex (D’s dad) didn’t pay any. The kids worked within the budget to plan the wedding that was meaningful to them, which worked very well. You might rethink whether you want a rocky start with your SIL. My ex had a rocky start with my stubborn parents, and it dogged our marriage for the whole 23 years.
I completely get not wanting to pay for a big wedding, religious or not. I suggest that you and your H–before any more time passes and any concrete planning takes place–decide upon a figure that you are willing to contribute, and inform your D and her fiance that you will give them that much and it is their choice how to spend it: big/small formal/informal, whatever wedding, down payment, etc. I would suggest that you arrive upon a figure that you can also offer to your other child, male or female. (It sounds like you have two.)
The parents of the groom can decide independently what they are willing to contribute. The couple can decide how much of their own money they want to put in, and then plan accordingly.
This is what a lot of people do these days, and it seems to work out well and is perceived as fair by all.
I don’t think that you should impose your religious choices on them, or use money as a way to influence them. If you say that you will only pay for a large wedding if it is Catholic, does that mean that you will decline to pay, or pay less, if it isn’t Catholic? I think it is quite possible that they will go along with that, if they really want a big wedding, then never darken the door of a Catholic Church thereafter. I think that they will (and should) make up their own minds going forward about their religious beliefs and practices.
Congratulations! Really…it’s all going to be fine.
We set a budget with our daughter and son in law. Really, they could,have invited any number of people…if they found a venue and such within that budget. We also discussed things in terms of priorities. For example, i was willing to pay for a band. I also felt that a good photographer was essential. The venue needed to be easy to work with, etc.
Our daughter and SIL had no trouble with our budget.
So…maybe start there.
Some families give the bridal couple a set amount and the couple can plan as they want to. Sometimes both sets of parents help pay, as do the couples sometimes.
I hope you can come to a compromise on the religious vs not ceremony. I know this can be challenging, but I’m not sure I’d say that if there isn’t a religious ceremony, you won’t pay as much. Maybe at least think about that.
Anyway…have fun because there are lots of things in wedding planning that are fun.
One friend gave me excellent free advice. She said that once you pick the date (which is based on ceremony and venue availability) everything else will fall into place. And she was totally right.
Well, college was framed as “the last great gift”.
We do need them to frame what the day is about and what is meaningful to them. He hasn’t said whether he wants a justice of the peace. Our funding absolutely depends on pre-marital counseling. If we were just giving them a gift, it would be 25% of the amount we are prepared to spend for a wedding + reception.
Then we also need to be prepared to allocate matching funds to D2.
Through this discussion here, I’ll be better with my in person conversation.
Pre-marital counseling? Generally a good idea. Any minister will provide that, if they prefer to get married in another church. If not, there are professional counselors that will provide it. Some are secular, some are not.
It’s quite possible that the fiance hasn’t fully formed his emerging religious feelings yet. My H and I were married by a minister of denomination that neither of us were raised in. We knew we didn’t want a Catholic or Christian Science wedding, but we hadn’t yet found our spiritual home. The minister, a Presbyterian, was great, and his counselling was valuable. A couple years later we found that spiritual home, something I was only vaguely aware of at the time.
I think you should consider stepping back from trying to get the couple to say what is meaningful to them. My D and her fiancé picked the officiant and worked with them on the ceremony. Other than some discussion of the music, I stayed out of it, and so did his parents. The officiant they picked did premarital counseling sessions with them, but I would not have dreamed of requiring them before I’d give them money for the wedding. These are two adults getting married. If your SIL perceived that you do not like or approve of him, he is very well positioned to encourage your D to move far away and limit contact with you.
Why would you only give them 25% of the amount you can apparently afford if you can’t have complete control over the ceremony? That seems petty to me. Likely it will to them as well.
To some, a wedding is a religious ceremony and the reception a celebration of that religious event. If that’s what Mom22039 wants to pay for, her choice. No one would think it petty to throw a big Bar Mitzvah party for a 13 year old but a much small event if it were just a 13th birthday party.
Lots of good thoughts here.
The kids/cousins generation is starting to get married so they are aware that others in the family had to navigate the ceremonial waters. One SIL has advised “pick two things that you care about”. I love that!
The reasons we need to sit and talk are many. The bride and groom live out west, we live in the DC area, and the groom’s parents live in the Deep South. They want the wedding in the DC area. The groom wanted to pick a venue before they arrived for Christmas. Their two preferred venues have minimum food&beverage minimums of $18000 and $30000. Their guest list and menu combination for 180 guests comes to $44000. (That’s before a dress, flowers, music, ceremony, favors, car service, etc.). 140 would be a better goal for both the budget and other available sites. Our ballpark number right now is $40,000-$50,000, with a goal of the lower end and some room for overages.
They want a winter wedding in January 2020. There will be two price increases (2019 and 2020) by then!
The groom is also a professional photographer (now a sideline for him) and the bride & groom have agreed with my suggestion that they select and pay for the photographer.
I’m looking forward to hearing what’s important to them. I’ve also asked the groom’s parents what traditions are important to them. The couple and the groom’s parents are planning a trip east in February and the groom’s parents are planning an engagement party in April.
D understands we are carefully navigating through this. We think the premarital counseling is pretty important. Even if just the geography, they come from pretty different backgrounds.
I’ll check in a bit later. It’s time to head to work.
"We think the premarital counseling is pretty important. "
How long have they known each other, been in a relationship, do they live together?
Maybe premarital counseling is better know but back in the day, we found it pretty useless. (The Catholic church variety)
My in-laws gave DH and me an Engaged Encounter weekend as an engagement present. They are Catholic. I’m not…and DH doesn’t practice. We went out of respect…but frankly, it was the first in many “control” things my MIL has done over the years. Believe me, i was less than thrilled with this gift.
Oh…and we had a Justice of the Peace as our officiant.
But here is your laugh of the day. When we arrived, Father Tom (who was awesome, thank goodness) greeted us and said “oh, you are the couple that got this as a gift. We NEVER thought you would show up!”