D1 has been to quite a few weddings lately, and every wedding was very explicit on who was invited. For D1’s wedding, you couldn’t even rsvp to an event if you were not invited. For one of more casual events (wine tour), some younger guests thought they could just rsvp (show up) at the last minute. Nope, D1 told them unless they were on the list they weren’t getting on the bus or getting in the wineries (they closed down for private events).
MOH’s BF sounds like a piece of work. I wouldn’t let him near any of my guests.
The benefit of online RSVP is that the guests are each listed…and only the guests can RSVP and only to the events to which they are actually included. So, for example, if you want RSVP to the rehearsal dinner…only those invited to it can RSVP to that.
We almost went with online RSVP for that reason…but then the MOG made the invitations including response cards…so we used those.
No one in the family will know of cancellations. Only one brother and sister-in-law will be able to make the wedding.
?. But we knew that going in what with the out-of-country travel, the nephew’s November wedding (set before DD’s), and coming so quickly after the holidays. The only surprise was when we realized my sister wouldn’t be able to come. Even she hadn’t realized until recently that the diesel issue would be present. So, only aunts, uncles, and cousins from my husband’s side will be there. The whole guest list is really weighted heavily towards DD and fiancé friends.
It is my feeling that just because the ocean bar is a public place does not mean that any Tom, Dick, or Brennan can join our group. There are still constructs of invitations and party groups. I do believe that this would be a case of “give an inch, take a mile.” Perhaps now I am entering the curmudgeon territory, but I don’t believe he should be able to invite himself to any of the festivities. Truly the only person he will know on the guest list is his girlfriend (and my youngest brother who is not a fan). So, he will be right at her elbow at all times if he is permitted anywhere near the parties.
I just truly think people should be able to invite whom they want to parties, especially weddings. This is not a kindergarten or school class situation. These are suppose to be adults.
I wouldn’t let this guy ruin your D’s wedding. If he was a pleasant and likable guy then maybe I would make an exception. If I were you, I would actually call up the MOH to let her know her BF will not be included at any events.
“Cousin did ask DD what she thought of him and DD didn’t go full vent, but gave a very cool, tepid review and told her she had concerns. She gave her examples of those things he did. And for DD, that was a very obvious BAD review.”
If necessary, I’d go farther. I would tell MOH that her current b/f has offended many people. He does not seem to have a sense of boundaries. I’d give specifics if asked. Bottom line, he is not wanted around the wedding festivities. If the niece protests, and states she expects to spend time with the b/f, athen fine, but she can not act as the MOH. The MOH needs to be present much of the time,
I’d have no problem not inviting boyfriend nor relieving MOH of her duties if she persisted (nor uninviting the naysayers).
The goal is to have a great celebration for a very singular time. Remember that.
It’s not an annual event to be repeated at a later date.
Do not invite trouble.
Do not make someone else’s problems your problems.
A guest wanting somebody invited is a “brat” scenario that is totally up to the host…
The day is about celebrating a special event, and enjoying family and friends.
The MOH is supposed to support the bride, not make her life more difficult!
Is there any possibility that you could have a frank talk with your sister, tell her clearly what this guy did and that your D and her fiance were deeply offended, and ask her to make it clear to her own D that trying to finagle him into wedding events simply will not fly? That if they want to vacation in Jamaica that he should fly down after the wedding and they can do their own thing?
I wouldn’t start a feud by being frank about the bf’s bad behavior. That’s not the hill to die on. Not now, when you want to focus on the wedding.
It’s simply that you want to be clear: the coordinator insists no guests not on the original contract. That he wont be allowed at the events or villa. (Period. Nice voice, your hands are tied.)
And that, as MOH, you’d like confirmation she’ll be there at all times the rest of the bridal party is. Because she IS the MOH. You’re counting on her. (Butter her up.) “I understand, but you can have him come after/next day or gosh, let me know now if this is too much and you’d like me to assign someone else who can focus on the wedding.”
I don’t see how the coordinator argument holds up. They don’t really get to that level of detail. The count, yes. But all it takes is Aunt Mildred to get sick, and then everyone knows there is an extra meal/spot. I think you have to own that it is your limit.
It’s Jamaica, a small venue, what do the moh and her bf know? If Mildred gets sick, he’s still not invited. And it wasn’t about sick and declining (and thus, under the max,) but the original list.
But I know this is tough. I think OP will make her best decision.
So… not to belabor the point. But has anyone in any venue had anyone except the family care about the names on the list? Really asking… unless it is a state dinner or a Brangelina-level celeb wedding, I am having trouble imagining the venue or coordinator being strict about the names on the list. Even with name cards, a hand written one can be subbed as needed. Not that I think hiding your own desire to limit his attendance is a good idea anyway. There is too much wriggle room and possibility of a backfire if you try to act like it is someone else’s decision or rule. It is yours. Own it, politely and firmly.
No, I don’t think you tell your sister or neice that you hate the bf and why. Save that for after the wedding, if pressed.
No, it’s not about writing his name on a free placecard. They don’t want him there. Equally important, they do want the MOH on site and doing what they want her to do.
Ideally, they would not have asked. Or nagged. But they have. The risk is the MOHis distracted (she sounds a bit flakey.) Maybe he stays away. If so, no threat. But what if he doesn’t get the message that he’s not included? That’s what you need to plan to (not the easy scenario, where he stays home.) My first rule of crisis management is crisis prevention. Imo, you want a distinct reason he should not plan or weasel his way there.
YMMV.
Sure, you could just say, look, we don’t like him that much. And have a cloud hanging over the family relations.
I agree that my suggestion of talking with the sister is probably a bad idea at this point. (Maybe as an explanation after you have to have security throw him out, LOL!)
But I agree with intparent that simply owning the decision is the best route.
I have a question: what are the “duties” of a MOH that people keep talking about?
Completely agree that there is no need to rub salt in the wound. I would not list this guy’s boorish behavior to the MOH or her family. Even if he does become yesterday’s news, the relatives will not forget the bad things you said about him. And if he becomes a permanent fixture and they do get married, it will be worse. And quite possible, since they are boorish, that there will be a tit for tat, and @treemaven and her family will not be invited to the niece/cousin’s wedding (though it might be a blessing!) So no, don’t badmouth the guy to the people who like him. Simply say unfortunately he will not be able to attend any wedding weekend events, and that you hope he and MOH have a nice vacation after the wedding is over.
At DS#2’s recent wedding, FOB, who is a persona non grata in the bride (now wife)’s family, was invited to the welcome party, wedding and reception only (and no father/dau dance— my DH danced with the bride, but no solo dances on the dance floor; not to the rehearsal dinner or Sunday brunch; sat in the back at the wedding- did not walk her down the aisle). It was stressful before the wedding, as the MOB was very worried that he’d do something stupid or obnoxious, and her constant worry had me worried. I had a few brief but nice things to say to him prepared for when I did meet him (I said “thank you for sharing your daughter with us” or something close to that), but the worry and dread by MOB, and plans to have the party planner/organizer and bride’s tall male relatives keep him at a distance if he tried to participate in things he was not invited to turned out to be a lot of worry for nothing. Fortunately he followed the rules and behaved.
@treemaven- if you have a good relationship with your sister, use the flattery-type comments suggested above and ask/thank her for handling the delicate issue of advising her dau of firm plans, and that you are looking forward to her dau doing a wonderful job as the MOH, but that if for any reason her dau feels she can’t do so, you (and your dau) understand and will make other arrangements. Good luck. Its so frustrating when someone else makes your life difficult. How insensitive and boorish!
Yep. At our venue, we had to provide a list of the guests, and the table assignment…and what THAT guest was having for dinner.
We had a cancellation two weeks before DD’s wedding. I called the venue coordinator (who was awesome) to ask IF we could substitute someone else. She said that was fine…but could I let her know who was not coming…by names…and who was being added…by names…as well as the table number.
So…yes, our venue coordinator did want the names.
For the two day of no shows…oh well. Full payment was sent weeks prior.
My D1’s venue requires a list two weeks in advance, but the venue for D2, who got married in May, didn’t care at all.
I can’t believe my D1 is getting married next week. We have had insane drama with the dress alterations, but I hope it’s finally resolved now. I hope. Since it’s Christmas weekend, they did have more people decline than would likely otherwise have been the case, but they were aware of that up front. On an exciting note, my nephew has received permission for his little girl, who is battling metastatic cancer, to attend all the wedding festivities. We weren’t sure until Monday, but we are all thrilled.
I think that @treemaven should think of “less is more”. There is no reason to continue to give details about the arrangements. It’s a simple…I’m sorry, but we can’t accomodate an additional guest. Period.
The reality is that IF they could add an additional guest, this BF sounds like he is t the very BOTTOM of the list of potential invites.
No details need to be given to this MOH. A simple “we cannot accommodate any additional guests” should be enough.
If others don’t show or say no…invite the people you WANT to have attend, not this BF. This wedding is about the bride and groom, not this MOH.
Like i said in my first response, I think it’s rude to self invite someone to another person’s Wedding.