On another note, I was talking with D1 and her bf about summer plans, whether we go back to the same house we rented last year, and they were enthusistic. Then they said, “Oh, but saving for a wedding…” So let’s see if they do get engaged this month.
It amazes me how folks who would follow the rules for corporate etc. shebangs assume that every rule can be bent for weddings because you know… family. ?
We’re starting the bridesmaid thing over again. DD#1 was asked to be in three weddings a couple of years ago, and now DD#2 has been asked to be in one next year, and a good friend is going to Ireland for 2 weeks at Christmas so we expect her to come back with a ring.
My daughter was surprised at how much her boyfriend had to pay to rent a tux, for a hotel room for a weekend, and was happy there was no bachelor trip to Vegas. Both of these bride-to-be friends are from very wealthy families (bride #1 just bought her dress at Kleinfeld’s) and I tried to prepare daughter that just the shoes could run in the hundreds, never mind the dress, but she doesn’t think so.
We know several brides who got their dresses at Kleinfelds. None were “wealthy”. In all cases, the brides paid for their own dresses, and really they were not all that much more costly than the one my kid wore.
Weddings are costly to be in. Dress, shoes, hair, makeup, gifts, hotels, etc. easily can add up to $1000 or more. And if you have airfare for multiple trips, include that.
@thumper1 “No…if they were invited, their names would have been on the invitation.” I have discovered that the current gerneation does not necessarily view invitations as strictly as before. We just received an invitation to our niece’s wedding and it is addressed to “singersmom07 family”. We were not sure who all that covered. Those living with us, those not living with us, SO’s or what. Requires a phone call or text to clarify.
@Singersmom07
Well…back in the day, there was also an inside envelope in formal invitations that clearly stated the names of those invited.
You all have been so helpful. I feel I should respond to the several pending questions.
With you all’s support behind me, DD, fiance, and I are standing strong. The boyfriend is simply not invited and we cannot add new people. Period.
I consider that to be the case for ALL wedding weekend activities, but DD is worried that because there are a couple “non-head count” activities, her cousin will insist those don’t count and he can come. I have told DD to start practicing now that that is simply not the case: “those are wedding activities for the wedding guest, and sorry, but he is not a wedding guest. We would love for you to be there with us, but if you aren’t, we’ll understand.” Those particular events are a gathering at an in-ocean bar following the rehearsal stuff and the post-reception cocktail bar on the premises of the venue.
I have suggested to DD that perhaps she should talk to her cousin and (using some lovely diplomatic language you all have suggested) offer her the chance to stand down as MOH. DD is very hesitant to do that as she doesn’t think she can work it in properly. I’ve left it to her to figure out. But have given her language along the lines of “if you would feel better not feeling the responsibility of being MOH since Brennan will be by himself, I’ll understand and can get one of the others to do those extra duties.” But, it is kinda awkward unless the right opportunity presents itself. DD is concerned it will really screw up their relationship, but . . . I think that has already happened.
The wedding weekend begins Thursday, Jan. 31; rehearsal and evening heavy-hors d’oevers cocktail party for all guests Friday; and wedding/reception Saturday, late afternoon/evening.
My sister (who can’t attend much to all our chagrin because the island is all diesel-fueled and she has a horrendous medical emergency reaction to diesel fuel) has appeared to accept my response. Her “suggestion” was he could be included at the close of RSVPs was based on catering numbers ‘since we would be paying for some plates that aren’t used anyway most likely” like happened at her son’s wedding in November. I simply told her that the catering number was not the only logistic at issue and that there were very real venue limitations and we were sweating numbers. I said that we had had to make very difficult cuts of friends and extended family up front and had made the plus 1 rules clear to everyone from the start and simply cannot add new people. And that we hoped everyone would understand. She said that was all good, she didn’t mean to “get up in my business”. So I think we are cool.
Someone asked if there were a family matriarch type that could help broker. I wish. Our mom used to do that pretty well between us. Unfortunately, and much to my dismay, I became that family matriarch in March when our mother passed away. It was not a role I had expected to shoulder for many years as we had presumed our aunt (14 years younger than our mom) would be around for quite some time yet. Unfortunately, she passed away in February rather unexpectedly really.
And as for the reason we all dislike the boyfriend so much . . . . . Well, there are anecdotes and vignettes that occurred when we all met him. Overall, I’d describe him as an Eddie Haskell. He has my sister snowed, but I chalk that up mostly to the fact that she (like DD originally) really wanted to like him because it appears her daughter is so happy with him; that and how distracted she was with all the wedding stuff and sweating a cocktail welcome party that she had lost control over numbers and weather, and venue.
As for the rest of us siblings, he tried the Eddie Haskell approach, but his social awareness of personal space and family was way off. He acted like he was already part of the family, big hugs, acting like he was in on inside family jokes, smarmy. But, then he was also crass, crude, and inappropriate. I am in my early 60’s and the eldest. Our youngest brother is 59 and youngest sister is 55. My youngest brother and I are more reticent when it comes to personal touching. The boyfriend was jumping up and hugging that brother around the neck, slapping him on the bum, just generally being obnoxious. One of my brother-in-law’s has a tattoo on his chest. Apparently, the boyfriend saw it peeking out and ripped open my b-i-l’s shirt and said “what’s this??” Later he pinched him on both nipples. Who does that to a 60+ year-old man you’ve just met? Our youngest sister had gone to bed during the cocktail party. She was staying in the room with our sister. The suite was also occupied by the boyfriend and cousin (boyfriend’s inclusion screwed up those sleeping arrangements as he was unplanned for at the time of the reservations.). There was a door on the bedroom. Despite all that, our youngest sister wakes up to find him in her face waking her up and “did you pass out?? Are you okay??” She was not amused. Nor was she amused the next day when he opened the bedroom door without knocking and she was in an embarrassing state of undress.
Then there was the comment to the security guard at the reception that he made on the way out. He had to go out of his way really to address the security guard and asked “Mr. Security, is it legal for me to have sex with my girlfriend in public?” And he wouldn’t let it go. He kept escalating the inquiry. DD and fiancé were there for that and were disgusted. Cousin just laughed. There were other things in that vein. Some I heard and was put-off by. There is something just not right. I wouldn’t say misogynist, but there is something patronizing, but with a crude, crass bent to it. Whatever it is, DD, fiancé, and D1 were around him more and have very strong reactions to him.
Cousin did ask DD what she thought of him and DD didn’t go full vent, but gave a very cool, tepid review and told her she had concerns. She gave her examples of those things he did. And for DD, that was a very obvious BAD review.
But cousin just made excuses and that’s that. DD feels cousin is too far gone to listen and nothing more will get through. So, she’s just staying away from any of that.
Are these bars open to the public during these events? If so, I’m not sure how you can tell this BF he can’t come there.
Oh my @treemaven, what a mess!
Am I alone in thinking how odd it is that a new boyfriend would fly to a wedding that he wasn’t invited to? And think that it’s ok to “make a vacation” and stay a couple of extra days? I sort of wonder who is paying?
My D had a pretty new boyfriend when her brother got married last year. She did not invite him, thought that it was too soon (she had to fly to our home state). It was never brought up.
My D had a long term boyfriend that we weren’t thrilled with (not the one last year). But we tried to make the best of it. It’s hard as he could have been family. I was very complementary about him to even close family. Maybe that is the sisters tactic. He had a drinking problem and that I feel was the cause of some of his inappropriate behavior.
Holy cow, @treemaven , I have never seen a person who behaved like that outside of some kind of broad, slapstick comedy!
No wonder your D and her fiance don’t want him around.
Glad to hear that all is copacetic between you and your sister, though.
@thumper1 Yep, names are what we would usually see on an inside envelope but this is the second one we have received that does away with that formality and just has the invite and reply. In this case you opened the invitation, unfolded it and tore off the replly card. No names anywhere.
Yow. Kid doesn’t know boundaries. (That’s not on you, about hugs, etc.)
Can you have someone as a lookout at the events? The reliable husband of a friend, who’d pass this kid off to the coordinator? I could imagine him showing up midway through an event and just helping himself to the buffet. (“Everyone else got theirs.”) Talk to the coordinator, but you and the B&G should be protected from dealing with this. Or even noticing.
Sorry about your Mom. Did you catch earlier posts about how to remember/honor a loved one at a wedding?
pinched his nipples?? Slapped him in the bum??!!
No, no, nonono. If it had been a woman he was touching, their would obviously not even be a question about this behavior. This is the kind of behavior that is “funny” only to the perpetrator.
I’m just trying to picture these grown men putting up with this guy slapping bums, pinching nipples, and tearing open shirts! He is lucky he didn’t get punched in the face!
If he is going to be on the island I think you’re better off just letting go of any expectation that he will stay away from all the events. You want to enjoy the day without dealing with an unwanted guest. One thought is to invite him to the other events and stress that he is not invited to the actual wedding and reception. If you think they are the sort to just being him anyway It puts you and your D in an awkward position. If you stress that it is due to numbers and at the last minute you have cancellations how will you handle that?
I agree that this BF sounds like he is likely to get himself in a lot of trouble sooner than later for crossing too many boundaries around others less tolerant than your relatives have been.
I honestly wonder about the cousin who has such poor taste in BFs.
There is no need to discuss last minute cancellations with ANYONE except the caterer…or the folks setting the tables. The MOH doesn’t need to know and neither does anyone else.
We had two day of cancellations…and I was the only one at the wedding who knew about them. And that’s because they never picked up theirs seat assignment things.
The MOH does NOT need to hear about last minute cancellations…at all.
@thumper1 MOH or her Mom could hear of cancellations from other family members.
It’s extremely difficult dealing with people who have no boundaries.
I don’t think they should invite him to ANYTHING. Don’t officially let the camel’s nose under the tent. 
Give an inch and this guy will take a mile. If he shows up, it’s probably best to simply ignore him, if at all possible.
The alternative would be to have some strong-minded relative approach him the first time he shows up and say, "You were not invited to this event. I understand that the last time you came to a family wedding you engaged in inappropriate and unwelcome behavior involving putting your hands on people in an intimate manner, loudly making publicly suggestive remarks, and so forth. If you engage in any of that here we will ask you to leave immediately. Honestly, it would be better if you saved us all embarrassment and left now. "
I would love to be there to do it, actually!
I doubt he’ll make it through Christmas.