Perhaps the least provocative approach is to re-state the limitations, with the bride adding that cousin was chosen as MoH for a reason and it would mean a lot to the B to know that for the wedding festivity days, the MoH was all in. A gentle way to encourage her to do right by her cousin, something even her mother is ignoring.
Sounds like these two women have less and less in common and the relationship is already shifting. There is a bit of bullying going on here: “we don’t like the decision, so you are inflexible and controlling”. Some people can be gracious guests and some can’t. IME, the non-gracious ones can take up far more energy than they deserve.
All the best.
Unfortunately, I think this new BF could add a negative undercurrent to the entire wedding trip.
If MOH is distracted by BF, that is one level of ignoring her duties and dissing the bride. But have you considered that MOH/BF AND your Sister could continue lobbying for the BF to come to events? “Well, he is already on the island. And Aunt Mildred got sick and backed out at the last minute. Surely BF can take that empty spot?”
Sorry to dump negativity in you, but am hoping you and the bridal couple can think through all the possible scenarios now. Decide and put on a United front.
Which of the three (MOH, BF, Sister) would be the easiest to talk with now? Or is there a matriarch/patriarch elder who has the respect of family? Maybe that person can use family leverage to persuade these folks not to interfere.
You can bet that all three of these folks will be doing head counts at each pre-wedding event, and will be forceful at pushing BF into any empty seat.
Think through options now. How will bridal couple respond to MOH being late to, or absent from, a “required” event? Maybe ask another bridesmaid to prepare as backup for giving a toast to the bride and groom? Not sure what else could be impacted, like being MIA for photos of bridesmaids getting ready together? Bride and groom should decide ahead of time how they will react to possible disappointment on their special day.
So maybe photos get taken without MOH, or BF shows up and watches while photos are taken? You can not stop the BF from flying into Jamaica. But you can assign a relative/friend who is not part of wedding party to monitor the BF situation and react on your behalf to any misbehavior.
Its rather declasse’ that they already made plans to have him come to Jamaica and for them to stay elsewhere. I agree- if they want to vacation there, he should have arrived after the wedding was over. If the cousin will be on the phone with him a lot during the preparations (hair/makeup, etc) can someone step up and politely ask her to put the phone way, that this is YOUR DAUGHTER’S day?
"DD is very bummed that her cousin/MOH is pushing this—especially since DD has been clear about no additions, even as recently as MOH’s brother’s wedding in November. "
If it was my daughter’s wedding, I think I would step up and play the heavy here, stating to my sister and niece that he cannot attend, end of story, and to please stop asking and pushing because circumstances won’t change and they are only adding stress.
“But we haven’t made any exceptions thus far, I think it is easier that way in long run because it is a blanket, bland reason.”
And this can be given as part of the answer. You’ve said no to other requests, for people that haven’t been around for a mere 6 weeks.
Even Prince Harry had to take no for an answer when he wanted to bring Meghan to Pippa Middleton’s wedding. Supposedly, the Middletons didn’t want to deal with the publicity that would result from Meghan & Harry appearing together at a wedding on what was to be Pippa’s day.
Yes…but Meghan was invited to those events. This BF was not.
We fielded a few phone calls about guests. Oddly, they came from the parents of the guest whomwanted to bring someone else…and not the guest themselves. For example, my sister in law called me to ask if her son could bring his significant other. Actually she asked “Is Girlfriend invited?” Um…no. Doesn’t your son (who is 36) know how to read an invitation)? But then she explained that the relationship was a serious one. But geez…why didn’t my nephew call me himself.
Another aunt and uncle called to see if the next generation down (kids of cousins all who were little kids) were invited". No…if they were invited, their names would have been on the invitation.
Really, unless it’s some huge extenuating circumstance, I do think it’s a bit presumptuous to even call and ask.
Does the MOH have a sense that the rest of the clan don’t really adore her new BF? I’m wondering if that’s part of the issue here.
I agree. Time to be direct and mean. NO, he’s not invited to the weekend and Miss MOH, if you want to spend the weekend with him let us know NOW. We need you for dinners and nails and pictures and you won’t have time to run from resort to resort. Decide - are you in or out?
Obviously there is a way to do this nicely, but you have to be firm. “I really want the 8 in the bridal party to spend the entire weekend together, and I want you to be part of it. You know we are having a destination wedding because of finance’s grandmother, but this is how it has to be. Hope you can agree to this for US. If not, we understand and will see you, and only you, at the wedding.”
@sevmom, the reception for Pippa was private, so no photography of Meghan there. I’ve read that the concern was over having her at the church which was heavily photographed.
The difference with Meghan and this boyfriend is that Meghan was not excluded from all events, She was invited to the reception. In this scenario, the family wants nothing to do whatsoever with this boyfriend and he has not been invited to anything… Tough situation since the MOH and her mother are so persistent. Stay strong, @treemaven !
I thought part of the Meghan reference here was: if she can be told No, then why can’t this new bf? I doubt he knows the exact details of one event vs another. In Meghan’s world, that is.
In fact, with the right bravado. you could make up any reasonable excuse.
Adding, I doubt they’ll count who doesn’t show up. The answer is still No.
I do like facing this squarely and giving MOH an chance to back out.
Not sure the issue of Meghan having to attend the wedding ceremony was really that big a deal. I haven’t seen anywhere that there was any real drama with having to tell Harry or Meghan NO to anything but maybe I’ve missed something ? And Meghan did attend the reception. https://www.lifeandstylemag.com/posts/pippa-middleton-wedding-meghan-markle-132796/ The MOH and her
unwanted boyfriend issue is a different story. He must be a real piece of work if so many people can’t stand him!
Thanks, @lookingforward, that was my point. No one is so special that they aren’t beyond the response of “no, that just doesn’t work for us.” Obviously, phrased with a bit more diplomacy.
The issue of MOH’s b/f is causing angst. You are worried that she will be so concerned with him, she won’t be any help to the wedding plans. So, I conceivably could give 0her a choice—weekend with him, Giving up role of MOH, or a focus on the wedding. You stress, need an answer soon, as DD will ask somewhat else to step up to role of MOH.
@treemaven Your post struck a nerve for me. 25 years ago when I got married, one of my bridesmaids announced that she was bringing her new boyfriend of just a few weeks to the rehearsal dinner. It was a very small, intimate restaurant that my in-laws had arranged, created seating lists for, and financed. She threw a total hissy fit about how it was her “right” to bring a +1 regardless of how long they’d been dating. She threatened to not attend the rehearsal or wedding if we didn’t accommodate him. This was on the morning of rehearsal dinner. I was in tears and super upset. My parents ended up offering to pay for his meal and my in-laws scrambled to shuffle the seating arrangements, but it really put a huge damper on the day for me. She was high handed and inappropriate, and I should have told her that it wasn’t possible instead of bending over backwards for her. Our relationship was tense for years and years afterwards. My vote is to be firm with both your sister and niece.
““no, that just doesn’t work for us.” Obviously, phrased with a bit more diplomacy.”
That sounds diplomatic enough to me.
Of course it all depends on the tone of the delivery. I’d add on “That’s our final answer. Given a need to focus on the holidays and the wedding, let’s not discuss this any further, please.”
