@bookworm, we stayed there 3 years ago. It wasn’t shiny and fancy, but it was updated, clean, the rooms were decent sized, and it was convenient. The gathering places in the lobby were good to just catch up as people came and went throughout the day.
I have a question for your collective wisdom, experience, and thoughts. DD is getting married in Jamaica February 2019. (Her fiancé’s family is in Jamaica and he has special affinity for it as his grandmother raised him there and she can’t travel). So, a wedding that happens to be in Jamaica for family reasons. As such, we made a point of creating a guest list early on, getting Save-the-Date cards out 9 months in advance, and sent the invitations out 3 months in advance.
The venues in Jamaica turn out to not be all that large. The place the kids finally settle on holds 100 people. The kids have a huge group of friends and DD has several sets of friends scattered all over the country. I insisted they work on figuring out that guest list in October 2017 so they could figure out how many people we were looking at if they had “everyone if numbers was no issue”, “everyone they really would like”, and “everyone they would be bummed if not included in the 100 people”. Due to the venue limitations, we ended up with the smallest list they could live with around 100. Even then, when all was said and done, they over-invited by at least 30 people.
Based upon (wise) comments here, we decided no children, no college students, no babies, no dates, and no “plus 1s” unless the kids knew their names and the relationship was an established one. Even so, we had to skip extended family members, and some friends. We have been dropping these “criteria” as they come up in discussions, including a nephew’s wedding that occurred this past November. He was adamant he and his fiancé were utilizing the same criteria—-and for the same reasons.
Okay, so far so good.
Six weeks ago, DD’s cousin—who happens to be her maid of honor—started dating a new guy. As is typical with this cousin, if she’s in, she’s in ALL the way. So, now, according to her (and her mom, my sister) this is a SERIOUS relationship and he is absolutely a ‘Significant Other’, not just a boyfriend. As such, she finagled him an invitation at the last minute to her brother’s wedding—and as she was in the wedding party, into all the bridal party inclusions.
She has now asked DD to permit the same. She wants him to attend the wedding with her (“oh, and can he stay in the Villa with us?” We have reserved an 8-person villa that comes with a private pool and chef as a required venue cost and DD and fiancé wanted to use it for the bridal party. There is no room for him there).
DD has explained—once again—that we do not have room to add to the invitation list, and no, there is no room in the Villa for him. But the cousin is determined he will accompany her to Jamaica and they’ll just get rooms at another resort.
I thought we were done with the request, but today my sister sent me a “suggestion” that we “re-think” our “plus-1” policy for SOs, so “everyone can really enjoy the weekend”. She and the cousin figure her new guy can just take the place of a family member who was invited, but is not attending.
DD and fiance are still concerned they are over the venue limitation.
So . . . . . Are we suppose to alter the guest invitations to include the Maid of Honor’s new boyfriend (of 6 weeks)?
Does it matter whether DD and fiancé have strong feelings about the guy, whom they did meet at the November cousin’s wedding?
There are a number of friends and extended family we were not able to invite that we really wanted to. Does that matter?
We had this with a niece. Luckily my DIL is a strong person and she told my niece absolutely no. They also had quite a number of friends and extended family they didn’t include due to cost and venue size. Your niece and sister are trying to bully you and your D into including the SO. I’m sure there are other guests who would like to include a date.
Yup, I’d agree. Be sure she references the venue limitations and the many people they could not invite that they had originally hoped to. I’d be pleasant and firm. I mean, he could come to Jamaica and they could stay at a resort, but he’ll have to entertain himself during any wedding related activities. (She might break up with him by then anyway).
It is a tough one. If you have room then there is nothing wrong in including him because she is the maid of honor. To put in a plug for her, it is a lot of work and money to be maid of honor, so if you could throw her a bone it would be nice. It doesn’t mean you need to change your rules for others.
D1 had a rule that unless a couple was engaged or living together there would be no plus one, but D2’s BF was invited because D2 was the maid of honor. It did make it a fun weekend for D2.
Stick to your decisions about this.
Perhaps this cousin would prefer NOT to come to the wedding at all if her new BF isn’t invited. Someone else can step up and be the maid of honor.
I’m sorry, but it is extremely rude to call someone and insist that they invite an additional guest to their wedding. It’s just plain rude.
D2 organized the bridal shower, away weekend for the bride maids, paid a lot out for those events, and made sure the bride was looked after the whole weekend. It was a well earned privilege for D2 to have her BF there. He actually helped out quite a bit because he was with D2 all the time.
No, no, no…time for the broken record " I am so sorry, but we just can’t change the plans. I know you’ll understand" and then change the subject. Don’t justify, don’t discuss the likelihood he’ll be history, just treat it like a law of physics you can’t change.
Do you have firm (or warm) commit from those 130 guests yet? It is hard when it is a destination wedding.
Pretty pushy. I’m sorry but no 6 week old relationship is a serious, significant other.
“Does it matter whether DD and fiancé have strong feelings about the guy, whom they did meet at the November cousin’s wedding?”
Does this mean strongly like or dislike? My answer would somewhat depend on that but really you need to decide how much you want to incur the wrath of family members. Only you and your daughter can make that decision based on your family dynamics and how it would all play out, IMO.
For our wedding, a close friend of MIL asked if her son could come and bring his girldfriend because he might get ideas about his own wedding plans. (They were not engaged. She was not the one he later married.) MIL pointed out the limitations. No, he hadn’t been invited.
I personally don’t like the idea he’d want to stay with the bridal party in the villa or that she’d stay elsewhere, to focus on him. Some maid of honor.
I also had an issue where I needed to say to someone that I’d be sorry if his wife decided to miss the wedding, because they were nagging about a special consideration for her. (The husband was best man and would be there.) If this were my D, I’d be tempted to ask her if she has the right MOH, if she wants to think about letting her off the hook, in some nice way. (Eg, is this too inconvenient for you? It would need the right words, of course.)
How much work has the MOH done so far? If she has been very involved as a MOH then it would be hard to fire her, and I personally would not do it. IMO it would be a bad idea for the MOH to stay at another hotel because there would be much for her to do the whole weekend. I agree she is being a bully, but it may not be worth it to have a fight over it. She is not just anyone. She is the MOH and a niece (sister’s daughter). I would stand the ground if it is just another guest.
These are difficult situations. There is not an easy answer. First, are all the numbers finalized yet, given that the event is still a few months out? When are the RSVP’s due? There will always be last minute cancellations for some reason or another, so keep that in mind. Perhaps saying something like you are currently over your maximum numbers, but if after the last of the responses are received there is a way to fit in another person, you can revisit the situation then (but sorry, no room at the villa). They will need to be willing to accept that the airfares may be higher (assuming they will be able to fly on the same flights). You are compromising- they will have to as well. As for the “we couldn’t invite so-and-so because of the numbers”, you’ve got to let that go.
And finally, for the record, some relationships are clearly the one, even after a short time together. Granted I was likely a bit older, but DH and I had a short dating history before getting engaged and married (he had to decide whether or not to re-up in the military and would have been sent overseas for a few years). It can work. So be careful what you say and how you say it.
For the good news, the kids booked at the hotel I recommended. This hotel was on their first and second choice venue lists, it is moderately priced, and in the location they want. Mostly, the event planner is a good communicator. I would love them to,look at hotels over the winter holiday, but at least something is firm.
Thank you all for all your insights and advice.
The RSVPs are due next week. Given my experience over the years with folks not bothering to return requested RSVPs and guests decisions on travel needing to be firmed up in advance, we thought we needed some time to check in with stragglers. Our caterers, etc. need final numbers by first of January, so with the holidays, we tried to err on the early side so we’d have time to follow-up.
The caterer numbers are not the only consideration. There are quite a bit of logistics going into all this and the venue limitations are not really flexible.
The venue itself is self-contained for the cocktail parties, the ceremony, and the reception. Most guests will be staying on-site. The place is fully booked now.
As far as expense for the MOH, I may be uninformed, but I don’t see that she has (or has had) any additional that any of the other three attendants. She did plan (with the rest of them and DD) a bachelorette weekend in her city. None of the attendants or the bride live in the same city (or state). The girls all stayed at her apartment. So, there was that.
There have been no other parties; no showers. We are providing the housing for the bridal party, the make-up, hair, etc., along with the meals for them. So, their expense is the dress (under $75) and the flight.
Doschicos, yes, you surmised rightly. DD had a very strong negative reaction to the new boyfriend—-and she had been excited to meet him and primed to really like him. Neither DD or her sister (also a bridesmaid) liked him at all. (Actually, none of my brothers or other sister had a favorable review of him.) DD’s fiance scolded DD and her sister and told them they were being mean. However, it did not take long for him to dislike the new boyfriend as much, if not more. Neither DD nor her fiance want the guy anywhere around them for their wedding weekend. And for DD’s fiance to have that strong a reaction is saying something.
As for the cousin/niece/MOH, this is the third “serious” boyfriend in the last two years. It never takes her but a couple dates to start talking of moving in, having kids, getting married, etc. Like I said, if she’s in at all, she’s ALL in.
She has tunnel vision and withdraws from all other friends and focuses solely on the current boyfriend. She can’t seem to have multiple friends or separate from them. When DD and she were in Europe two Augusts ago, the cousin had a new boyfriend and spent all her down time borrowing DD’s work phone to call and talk to the guy for hours. DD was rather put out, but her cousin just doesn’t see the tunnel. DD hasn’t talked of planning any more overseas travel with her cousin after that trip. (And DD was dating her fiance at the time, but didn’t spend time on the phone. She wanted to experience the travel places. DD and cousin had done a similar trip the year before and were very sympatico, but cousin was between boyfriends . . . . )
DD is concerned that she is screwed whatever she does—at least in terms of having her cousin as MOH. Apparently, the guy is booked with cousin to come and stay elsewhere. DD asked if cousin was going to stay in Villa in light of that. Cousin said, ‘well, it depends on how close it is to where boyfriend is staying. If close, she’ll just go spend the night with him—cuz they “are doing this thing where they never spend the night apart.” But DD knows from experience that the whole time cousin is without the boyfriend, she’ll be calling him, talking about him, focusing on him. And if she is with him (i.e., he’s allowed to come), it will be the same thing. So, either way, someone else is really going to be stepping up to do the MOH stuff, with or without the title.
DD would like to release her from MOH, but doesn’t want to fight about it. If she can give an option for cousin to take and think it is her choice and no hard feelings, she would. But she can’t figure out how that would come about.
But, whatever happens, the kids just do not want this guy around them—-and certainly not so close as being part and parcel of the wedding party group.
Our limited numbers are real. The venue has only so much space and we are going to max it out. So, it will be intimate and cozy in terms of space. We had planned on some % of yield in the invitation list, but cousins bumped up their dating status’ to live-in or engaged, friends were engaged that she hadn’t realized, etc. So, numbers increased. But those at least happened before the invitations were actually sent and didn’t really mess up too much the numbers from Save-the-Date time because other cousins and friends broke up with what we had considered long-time significant others.
Cousin has known DD and fiance’s views and thoughts on +1’s from the beginning—-which has been quite a while. The kids got engaged August 2017 and started planning the early February 2019 wedding that October (2017). Cousin has been through three boyfriends in that time period and numerous times of no boyfriend, which was where she was when the Save-the-Date cards went out and she’d only just started dating the guy when the actual invitation went out.
I’m inclined to just keep repeating “venue limitations, I’m sorry, but, venue is just so limited and we are sweating numbers as it is.”
Honestly, I feel like him coming to Jamaica over the wedding weekend instead of just meeting her on Sunday after everything is an attempt to force our hand and make us seem churlish. They are planning “to make a vacation of it and stay a week”. Great! Can that week just start after the wedding . . . . .
“Neither DD nor her fiance want the guy anywhere around them for their wedding weekend. And for DD’s fiance to have that strong a reaction is saying something.”
Then, there is the answer right there - a firm no. No need to put up with a guest one really doesn’t care for especially when they aren’t a relative or been in one’s life very long. Should this guy wind up sticking around and become a permanent part of the family, then at some point you all would have to put up with him but not now. Not at this wedding.
Stick to your rules on invites and keep repeating your mantra, just stay away from the fact that no one likes the boyfriend: “venue limitations, I’m sorry, but, venue is just so limited and we are sweating numbers as it is.”
If your D and her fiance do not like this guy then I would have him there, especially at the villa. Your daughter may want to say to the MoH, “I understand why you may want to stay with your BF at another hotel. As there will be a lot to do for the wedding, would you feel more comfortable if someone else were to do some of those MOH tasks?” (give some examples of what would be expected of MoH) The cousin may choose to hang out with her BF instead.
When I read the original post I was under the impression that the bride and groom liked the BF.
I have been coaxing DD and fiance to practice their “I’m sorry, but venue limitations” since the beginning. There have been requests come up to add plus 1s, but they have been very good about holding firm and repeating the mantra. DD is very bummed that her cousin/MOH is pushing this—especially since DD has been clear about no additions, even as recently as MOH’s brother’s wedding in November. At that wedding, the new boyfriend was angling for DD and fiance to give him an invite, but they chose to let it go over their heads, hoping the message would take. DD specifically lamented to her cousin that she was sweating numbers for February. But her cousin blithely asked anyway—-after telling DD that she and boyfriend were looking into booking for Jamaica for a week beginning with the wedding. That’s when the “oh, and can he come to the wedding events and stay in the Villa” came up. As an afterthought, she asked “but what are your feelings?”
I asked originally without the added negative reaction to the boyfriend to see whether we were out-of-step thinking that invitations could be limited or whether it was standard to let guests add to the list. I wasn’t sure it mattered whether the boyfriend was liked or not. I have been told by family (especially this sister) that I can be harsh and to wedded to rules and inflexible. (Hmmm, I don’t agree, but I am much more structured than she).
I guess if she weren’t in the bridal party, and thus he wouldn’t be so up close and personal for the whole weekend, and was just a couple in the melee of the whole guest group, it might be tolerable. (But DD and fiance think not even then, that’s how strong their dislike of this guy is) and how relatively small this entire venue is. But we haven’t made any exceptions thus far, I think it is easier that way in long run because it is a blanket, bland reason.
Yes, if he really does end up in the family, we will all have to deal with him. But that’ll be much easier because it won’t be often. DD will be the one losing out because she will curtail greatly her adventuring with her cousin. She’s already quit planning to visit for ski trips they had been starting to plan. Those, apparently, just aren’t going to work out . . .
Thank you all again for your thoughts, advise, and insight. It is so helpful to get a feel where things are. You have all been so helpful on so many aspects of the wedding planning. I have taken many warnings, tips, suggestions, experiences, etc to heart and it has helped DD and I plan all along the way. I even used many of your suggestions and discussions to help me with mother of the bride dress shopping and selection. So much has changed since I planned our wedding 35+ years ago.
Thank you all. 
I’m a firm believer that the basic wishes of the B&G trump. It’s their day. I hate to think this new bf might butt in, anyway, show up at villa events, at the wedding (and want to sit up front with family, have a seat of honor at the reception,) etc. It’s not cool. Or that you’ll spend time tracking down the MOH, who’s not with you. (Or, as you said, that her focus will be on the phone, when it should be on the bride.)
Imagine saying, “I’m sorry, this is my wedding. We made our plans.” (Or, “This is Jane’s wedding.” I’d secretly want to say, “…Not your dating event.”) And maybe, “I hope you see how important this is, to me.”
Part of the problem, imo, is the MOH sees this as about her and her new bf.
Maybe you can blame this on the wedding coordinator. “They insist the will turn away anyone away who’s not on the original list we sent them.”
I know it’s hard to know how to handle this. But if it were just that he’d be on the island, somewhere else, waiting for their vacation, entirely respectuful that he’s a newbie in all this, a fifth wheel, it would be different. The fact they aren’t considering the B&G’s wishes seems disrespectful.
It was too early in the morning…I meant to say “I would not have him there.”