@ChoatieMom I only have sons but do look forward to hosting a rehearsal dinner someday (oldest has a very serious girlfriend that he lives with so may be a wedding in the next couple of years). It’s good you have let your son know already that you don’t plan to help with wedding costs.
@ChoatieMom Ah, I see. Family drama always stems from parents/extended family trying to control every wedding detail-- sounds like that won’t be an issue for you and your H!
We stayed under budget because I set an insanely high budget. But I agree - let your kids know very early on (even before they are engaged if you feel like it) whether you will contribute at all and if so, the approximate budget they can expect. They can then either add their own funds or plan within the budget.
(On a related issue, when D was visiting colleges after Junior year in HS, she was very surprised when I told her that any grad school would be on her. I was glad that I told her 5 years in advance!)
I’m definitely planning on taking care of the fees and tips appropriately for the church and musicians. I’m trying to find out what’s customary here.
I think part of my resistance is that I’m not a fan of tipping beyond restaurants and hair dressers.
Have to say that outside of the hair/makeup stylists, we weren’t planning on tipping anyone because it never occurred to me that it was a “thing” to do.
We made up the envelopes the day before and gave them to the wedding planner to give out the day of.
There were discussions upthread about whether to tip the wait staff. We didn’t because the venue added 20% for service fee and that what we would have normally tipped at a restaurant. We also made sure there was no tipping jar at the bar or coat room.
I also made up the envelopes prior to the reception. The folks I tipped went above and beyond…and most definitely deserved a little extra.
Like I said…or venue contract clearly stated that waitstaff and bartenders were not to be tipped…and like @oldfort, there was a 20% gratuity included in the cost.
Ok, D1 made her venue deposit this am. Nov 2020. She’s super excited.
She has a planner/coordinator, but what I’m not sure is whether this is also a “day of” or really just her catering sales mgr Are they usualy different people or ?
The DJ is expensive, very. A rec she trusts from friends. But I’d asked if she’d consider a violinist for her procession/recession (violins run way back in family history, it would be meaningful and we have contacts.) But now she mentioned violin through the cocktail hour. So the $$ DJ would be just for maybe 3 hours or so? I imagine, with equipment and set-up, thre’s no price change for so short a time frame. Any thoughts?
@lookingforward The planner at our venue was also the day of person…it was part of the contract with the venue. And she was fabulous. We knew up front what she would be doing for us. She really covered it all. She could have done the arranging for flowers, band and photographer also, but we did those.
You need to ask what the person is responsible for doing…and you also need to figure out what you want done day of.
Our planner had the schedule totally down. She made sure everything happened when it was supposed to. She arranged for the food to be delivered in a timely fashion while the girls were getting dressed. She totally ran the rehearsal…and had both an indoor and outdoor plan (rehearsed both). She was the go to person the whole day of the wedding from about 9 in the morning until midnight. Did I say she was fabulous. And yes, she got a tip from us.
I have a MoB dress and shoes!!
Thanks, thumper. D1 did promise to clarify, but I haven’t been there yet, to ask my own questions. I’m sending her your paragraph about what they do.
But, from this thread, I already decided if there’s any extra charge, I will foot that. As I told her today, not mama’s jobto run around coordinating or putting out small fires. Ha.
@lookingforward Right! I was not the go to person for the rehearsal or wedding times. The wonderful wedding planner had that job. But that was clear up front.
Our wedding was not too complicated and didn’t have a lot of moving parts…ceremony and reception were in the same location, for example.
But I wanted to have someone to turn to IF something was not going right. As it was…really, I thought the day spun like a top. But I do think a lot of this had to do with what the planner did to make it so.
@daylily1, that’s great! Details! Details!
We do have the advantage that a coworker friend used to work for this venue in that role and could talk about some details. I don’t mind playing some role, as you did. But as a former crisis manager, it would push all my buttons.
The chapel is on the same grounds. D1 has already figured out a room block (too early to reserve) there and at two less $ places. No need for transpo at the site and we decided against busses to the other hotels. (Venue has valet.) We don’t know if FSIL’s family will stay at the hotel or rent a house, for 10-12 on their side.
And I don’t know how she’s staying calm, doing this and her job. Thanks
All I can say is that DD had her sights on ‘her new town’ for the wedding, which was great for many reasons! It is the largest city in our state (so beautiful Cathedral where DD was a member so no additional add on fee for church use, and beautiful historic hotel which had reasonable prices for the accommodations) and only 100 miles from us, so we handed her money, groom’s parents were involved some (out of state but had handled hotel contract with S1). DD/SIL know what they wanted and how to go about getting it - using a budget and earning/paying for some too. The groom’s parents paid for catering for rehearsal dinner where all out of town people could come, which also worked out great. I still had stress - we did some remodel before MIL/FIL/others were house guests before and after. And we made sacrifices - before and after. MIL/FIL were ‘tired’ on Sunday morning, and so H and I had to drive them back to our home, and we missed some of the fun while people were still in town. Sacrifice before - I didn’t get up super super early on Friday, so had to do some things after all left the house for settling into hotel and rehearsal/rehearsal dinner. We also added in bringing bar and snacks to our hotel suite (which was a gathering place for after activities on Friday and Saturday) - so I scrambled for those things too. So I ran a little late and came to rehearsal dinner right when all were settled down in seats - rehearsal dinner was buffet (so timing was got there in the nick of time; missed the rehearsal, but in hindsight I valued the sleep I needed before the whole day). When H and some of his family went to our hotel room for after burner, I diverted with others to the hotel bar area and I had a grand time! H commented “you ditched us”…yeah, I had to carve out a little fun and was glad I did with other relatives that I was able to catch up with!
My D found this tipping list on Wedding Wire.
https://www.weddingwire.com/wedding-ideas/wedding-tipping-guide
It seems a bit more…reasonable.
I was waiting to see the pictures before sending a tip to the photographer. I’m glad I waited because the tip will be zero. Disappointed in the photos. I don’t fault the happy couple for selecting him. He did their engagement photos and they were outstanding. He did fine with the “stand in a row and smile” posted pictures. But we have much better spontaneous photos from guests who took them on their phones.
D1 found a Day Of Coordinator. I haven’t seen her reviews, but D1 is satisfied with what she saw and will speak with her personally. It gives us a point gal. We learned the venue rep really only coordinates the venue actions.
And I have the contract from the ceremony string duo.
Is it unusual for groom’s father not to give a speech?
It seems DS tries to make me stand up and make a speech, and I am really not good at public speech. What to talk about in such a speech? He mentioned something about “toast” and I really do not know what is about.
He also mentioned mother-son dance. My wife has zero idea about the dance. She does not mind just walking on the dance floor. Dance? It is too late for her to take a crash course for that!
At least I got a confirmation from
DS and fDIL that there will not be an elaborate “gift exchange protocol” (mind you, also between extended families on both sides - Shiver!) From what I have learned from the Internet, in her side of culture, the groom side of family should prepare a house and the bride’s side should fill up the house with all brand-new furniture and appliances. We will skip all of these. (She has already had a (small-ish) 1-bedroom apartment which is located quite close to the wedding venue.)