I spent last Friday with FDIL, her mother, and sister at the “mecca” of bridal gowns in NYC. OMG, I had been at the original location in Brooklyn many years ago when my sister was dress shopping and, actually, her bridesmaids’ dresses were purchased there. But the Manhattan store is a cultural phenomenon, driven, I’m sure, by the TV show. Our appointment was late afternoon and from the time I arrived to the time we left about two hours later, streams of brides with their entourages (one group had over 10 people) flowed through the massive showroom. From the get-go I believed my role to be the supportive, positive FMIL. Although my taste is different from that of the B and her family, it was not hard to do. She looked beautiful in most everything she showed us, and while I may have preferred one over the other (keeping my opinion to myself), the dress she picked will have my S in tears when he sees her. I was truly honored to be asked to participate and it was interesting seeing the dynamic among her and her family. Especially in light of the fact that my S had confided that B has been butting heads with her mother over this wedding.
The financial conversation I was dreading on Saturday evening when we had dinner with her parents was a non-issue. My H and I had agreed in advance what we were willing to contribute and her parents (both sets of parents had agreed in advance that we would not be asking the kids to contribute) accepted graciously. The conversation was over in about 3 minutes and it was also made clear that decisions would be made in concert with each other - I’ve been invited to both the venue and florist appointments and while I’ll be doing the legwork on the rehearsal dinner, we will talk about it. A rough budget has been agreed and what components of that budget are included in the shared expenses defined, since I sent a follow-up email Sunday morning asking what commitments have already been made (photographer and band) so I know where the budget stands as we head to the venue. As I mentioned previously, I’ve organized 3 Bar/Bat Mitzvah parties at the venue, so I have an idea what things will run, even 17 years later.
A few issues are starting to arise - I’ve noticed that MOB has updated the invitation spreadsheet with her list and all couples are listed as Mr. and Mrs. Husband’s first name, last name. I asked FDIL and she said she’s already fought that battle with her mother and lost. She even explained that she had to fight to get my and her mother’s first names on the invitation. Now I could see that argument with my mom 40 years ago, but the fact that her mom feels so strongly now is going to be an issue. I am not Mrs. Runnersmom’s H’s name. And I am partners with my business partners, not their husbands. So I suspect this may be our first real point of contention. FDIL said she will broach the subject again and I offered to speak with her mom, but this is important to me. As you know, I don’t love the actual invitation but said nothing. This could be a problem.
@runnersmom Sounds lovely and heartwarming in many ways, and precarious in others. " . . . the dress she picked will have my S in tears when he sees her . . . " or a similar thought might make a helpful mantra in difficult moments. Best of luck for a cordial and respectful resolution of issues.
I actually addressed the invitations, and mailed them for DDs wedding. It was easy for me to choose the name wording?.
I knew that some great aunts, and the grand parents would prefer the Mr. and Mrs. His Name Last Name option, but that most other guests would prefer their own first and last names.
So @runnersmom any chance you could address and mail the invites?
Or specify how YOU want invitations addressed to YOUR invitees?
By the way, this very issue has caused a rift in my H’s family that has lasted for years. His cousin addressed an invitation to his aunt & uncle as “Her name and His name - their last name.” The aunt nastily let all know that this was wrong, that she is Mrs. His name - their last name, on and on. She came to the wedding, but no one would talk to her. My in laws got seated with her & were ignored for the whole reception as a result.
The Mr. and Mrs.Bob Jones language is not just old fashioned, it is wrong in many cases. My sister is not Mr. Bob, she is Ms. Mary Maidenname, never has been Ms. Bob Hislastname. Hillary Clinton wasn’t even Hillary Clinton until 1992.
I worked with a guy whose wife kept her name, and her children had a hyphenated name with hers listed first (so this meant alphabetically that they were ‘V’ and not ‘P’) She had a fit whenever she was listed under her husband’s name and I saw many a nametag with her name changed in big black magic marker.
Off topic, but too funny! The ad running beside the wedding thread is an ad for a baby bassinet! “HALOBassinest Swivel Sleeper Premiere Series Bassinet, River Stone
by Halo”
I’m MOB and my name was wrong on the invitation. I figured the fiance’ didn’t know I kept my maiden name. When my D did the wedding programs, it was wrong again, but in a different way; our first names followed by his last name and my last name. Huh? This time I spoke up. I hope they can get that changed.
For couples where the woman has kept her maiden name (ummm, my other DIL!), I gave both full names and expect that will be respected. I’m comfortable with both first names plus last name (if the same, as are those of many of my married friends) or Mrs. First Name and Mr. First Name Last Name (if the same) or any variation of the above as long as no woman’s name is missing where I know it should be there. With elderly relatives who I know appreciate the Mr. and Mrs. His First, Last Name, I’m fine with it… for them. All I care is that the invitations to my guests are addressed this way and I will support FDIL if she prefers that (which she does), as well. I know, seems like much ado about nothing but it’s important to me. If she’d rather I address those, I’m happy to do it. Not sure this needs to be a whatever makes MOB happy moment – we’re essentially co-hosting this wedding.
@runnersmom, I think it’s reasonable for you to insist on the name wording for your guests. I know that some people like the old formal ways of doing things, but I hate when the wife becomes invisible in an address. I argued with my own mother about this for my wedding.
I have been off line with computer issues, Glad to catch up. sounds like the wedding in Florence was gorgeous. I have to say our wedding here in the NE is very pricey. The church alone is 2 thousand.
I also am dealing with a stressed bride. I feel sad/angry at being snapped at or spoken rudely to. Nothing I have dealt with this child about before. I am not included in the details. Although all major things . I am still annoyed about the guest list. I am also not very controlling . I didn’t think it would belike this.
Our invitations have the traditional wording with both parents. Not so much about who is paying (us) but more just the love of tradition on my husbands part and the bride and groom didnt care. The bride and groom’s names are on the top in a swirly print. I cant remember what it is called. It looks nice.
Everyone gets a chair. Oh my aching feet1
Also my oldest is getting married. completely different vibe. I doubt we will word the invite the same. although we are paying.
I am keeping my dress.
At last, our MOB has made actual hotel reservations for the wedding, so one crisis averted. The next crisis may be her belief that the bride shouldn’t see the groom on their wedding day. She called to ask me this, I said “well, they have lived together for 4 years and are going to be staying at an Airbnb prior to the wedding, so that seems hard to arrange” and mentioned my son will already be stressed about the wedding, so maybe for his sake we could not care about that. (He is not fond of crowds, part of the reason their wedding is relatively small)
Other crisis will be that one of her invitees has…invited other people! Who does that? The bride is furious, but I said until we believe these extra 4 people are actually buying plane tickets and hotel rooms, we will lay low. MOB says well, they should have been invited, so it doesn’t matter. Jeez Louise. But my DH is correct – we will not allow a few rude people to ruin an otherwise lovely day by caring about their presence. I think the MOB was upset that my family is huge, and hers is not, so she felt she was “owed” equal spots. What B/G did was invite the same people --aunts, uncles, first cousins, but nobody else. Equal approach, but not equal numbers.
While both of my kids were living with their spouses prior to the weddings, they did not spend the night before together. My daughter stayed at our house, while her husband stayed at the hotel with his friends. My son slept at their house, and my DIL stayed at the hotel with her sisters. This what their choice, not the parents; none of the parents were involved with the decision.
Same for D1. The groom stayed with his groomsmen(the best man was responsible to get the groom in bed early), and D1 stayed with us and her bridesmaids. They got ready separately and then had their first look.
D is staying at the hotel with her bridesmaids, not sure where SIL will be. Either at the hotel or with his dad; his family doesn’t tend to plan ahead. However, his grandparents are at the hotel after the wedding!
Right now first look will be when she walks down the aisle.
Same here. DD stayed at the hotel with the bridesmaids, and then went to the “get ready room” at the venue the morning of the wedding. The groom stayed at his parent’s house, and the guys all met at the best mans hotel room (which was not in the same place as the venue) to get dressed.
Then before the wedding, they did the first look…with pictures that are really lovely.
Anyone have experience with Kleinfeld’s bridemaid dresses? My daughter has to order one, any style, in a certain color. She’s trying to decide between a size 2 and a 4, and several different styles. I think she should order a 2 because she’s small on top and most of the styles have a traditional waist, so not much ‘hip’ involved in the sizing. If anyone knows they run extra small, let me know. She had an athletic build, but is still small.
I think most of the styles are about the same. I’m not that impressed by the choices.