@runnersmom - your son sounds like he’s got a good plan, the right attitude and possibilities ahead. All the best to him and a pox on the timing. (Our then FSIL got 3 months notice that his firm was only retaining 10% of their work force; this was 4 months ahead of the wedding. Ironically, he and our daughter started new jobs the same week, 3 months ahead of the wedding. Another gear shift, but they pulled it off.)
Congratulations on your dress. That’s an accomplishment on any day.
Thanks for the support. I know there’s nothing I can do right now to make him feel better but you know what they say about only being as happy as your most unhappy child - it doesn’t matter if they’re 2 or, in his case, 32. Now, my dress!
After a trip to NYC stores, I went back to a local boutique that specializes in evening wear; it was where, 17 years ago, I bought a dress for my daughter’s Bat Mitzvah. The owners are hands-on and work with customers, they know their inventory and are sensitive to the person’s approach to this kind of dress. When I said I wanted simple but interesting, with no bling, they listened. It also helps that their inventory is custom-lite. The dresses can be ordered in a variety of colors.
So, I ordered this dress, http://www.ideasbybarbara.com/collection__01.html (page 1, row two, fourth dress over), in navy blue. I will either eliminate the bling or find a much smaller piece, and will reduce the size of the bow crawling up my shoulder. It is extremely flattering and I feel good in it which today was not an easy feat!
@runnersmom lovely dress, and sounds like a lovely FDIL too – best of luck to your son!
I’m having some trouble managing dealings ahead of DS’s wedding in March. I feel like FDIL’s mother isn’t really that interested in merging the families or being cooperative/friendly. For instance, when I asked if we could sit together (all four parents) at the reception, which is something the kids want, she said no she’d “rather be with friends”.
There are a few other issues also…
@runnersmom beautiful dress!
@fretfulmother that is not only awkward but just not pleasant!
@fretfulmother, that is awkward. I, too, have been having some issues with FDIL’s family that were put in perspective when my S lost his job yesterday. In our case, she is trying to control things because, as she put it when we had dinner with them and the kids on Sunday, “someone here is paying for this.” Well, that someone is both sets of parents and I have never equated money with control in my children’s lives and I’m not starting now. It’s not like we’ve been excluded from decisions, much the contrary. However, when my S and FDIL ask to make the decision about something meaningful to them (and trust me, it’s not about expense and there hasn’t been much), I will move heaven and earth to make it happen, even if it’s not what I would do.
^^^ @runnersmom I can tell just from your CC postings that that is who you are - you are the bigger person!
I would want someone to slap me if I ever became that MOB - or MOG - who felt I needed to control or micro manage any wedding!
@abasket @runnersmom - thank you! It’s a tricky business.
@fretfulmother, yikes!
I do want to say that we did not sit with the other parents at the wedding. It never occurred to me but if the kids wished it, we would have.
I personally think that your f-DIL should have talked about this with her parents and made sure they were on board before asking you.
My H and I sat with our families who we don’t get to see very often. I’ve met DIL’s parents twice and because of the health of her father, don’t expect to meet them again. DIL’s parents are for lack of another word, a unit onto themselves and I get the distinct impression from wedding planning that this is who they are. They aren’t interested in a relationship with us. And that’s ok.
@deb922 - thank you! I think we’ll be fine - I will love sitting with my own relatives too. But it just felt really off-putting and unfriendly. In my family-of-origin, inlaws are very much all family, right away (“if you show up, you’re in the family photo” attitude). So it’s kind of hard for me.
@fretfulmother, I totally agree. My in-laws come to the holidays with my side of the family. My mom goes to my husbands side. My sil brings her parents. Very much we are like yours. But it’s been an adjustment when bringing my DIL into the fold. She’s an only child and they are a unit of 3 (now 4 with son) and that’s it. The good news is that none of us live close. So it’s no big deal that we don’t co-mingle.
@deb922 thank you! 
Does your DIL call you “mom”? This has been another bone of contention. FDIL’s mother told my son he wasn’t allowed to (for her), and FDIL told me she would not. Seems to me, one of the decisions should have been up to our side…? 
How have I never clicked on this thread before??? I know … neither of my kids is married. lol But, the topic of this last page absolutely is of interest to me.
We met ds1’s gf’s family over T’giving, sharing an Airbnb. We loved them, and I think the feeling was mutual. I think our good fortune encouraged my bff to reach out to her DIL’s mom. My bff hasn’t seen the parents in three years, since just after the wedding, even though they live only about an hour apart on the West Coast (the kids live on the East Coast). That in itself wasn’t such an issue, but when the kids are back home they spend a disproportionate amount of time with her family, both at their home and at their vacation home. I mean, the time differential isn’t even close, like three days to 12 days. This always has, understandably, upset my friend. Anyway, she screwed up her nerve to email the mom to talk about when that could all get together over Christmas, and she said they couldn’t. I could NOT believe it. How rude is that? She’s not trying to be her new bestie but was thinking that she could at least thaw what feels like chilly relations.
Anyway, my bff is not the only one I know with this in-law situation. It’s just so foreign to me. Like @fretfulmother said, in my family everyone goes out of their way to embrace the other family. Part of my friend’s fear is that when grandchildren are introduced the disparity in time spent with families will hamper her relationship with them, and I think that’s a legitimate fear. Anyway, this has been at the top of my mind for weeks now, and I am so mad on my friend’s behalf, so much so that I’ve considered writing about it and selling it to some periodical, thinking the tack would be about how to be a good in-law, not just to your SIL or DIL, but to his/her family.
Rant over.
@“Youdon’tsay” - yes, what kills me about this is that surely each of these people were at one point the “inlaw” with this group that now seems so sacrosanct/isolated!
It never occurred to me to sit with the new in-laws at either the rehearsal dinner nor the wedding. My family all flew in to this event, and I was happy to visit. And quite appreciative of the time and expense they incurred.
At the wedding, our family had two long tables side by side. Us old folks were at one, and the younger ones at the other. In every picture, there was no one sitting at any one seat. People moved freely.
I suspect I was the one most on the move. I visited with son’s HS friends, then another table of UG friends, then grad school friends. Most precious were the MS/HS friends. I took pictures, and sent them to the parents.
@fretfulmother, it does seem as if you have your hands full. I think a lot of “in-law” issues arise from expectations. My MIL was upset when I had no interest in calling her “mom” and she still is, 37 years later. Funny thing is that all my H’s siblings married people who were happy to do that and they are now all divorced. I do not think there is any correlation, but we are the only happily married couple among 5 children. I think if the sentiment is genuine and welcome by all parties, great. If not, it should be what feels comfortable for everyone. We are first name people and my DIL and FDIL are very happy with that, and their parents feel the same about my sons. I think my experience informed how I’ve dealt with the new members of our family. However, from what you describe, this woman is just rude, which has no place in my opinion.
As regards seating at the wedding, we will sit with our family and friends and they with theirs. At my S1’s wedding both sets of parents sat at a very long table with the wedding party, but each of us sat at different ends of the table. It worked since there was very little sitting during the evening! There’s an old saying on CC that goes, “smile and nod.” I find it works for wedding planning too - within reason! Good luck navigating everything - it’s tough when families approach the planning from different perspectives.
This I think kinda pertains to this situation. I was talking to my D yesterday and she was talking about all of the things her boyfriend wants her to do. He wants her to fly to a conference he has, he has 5 weddings to attend before July, one in AZ. He made plans to go out of town for their anniversary. She just spent Christmas with his family and went on vacation with the boyfriend because he had the week off work. He wants her to go skiing with he and his friends.
So she tells him that she wants to visit her cousin and he says “but we have all of these things going on”. And she says but those are all of your things, what about mine? Her therapist says that she needs to put herself first sometimes also.
Why does this correlate with this subject?
Because I see this with my son also, he’s so busy trying to make his wife and her family happy, he forgets about his own. I think that it’s ok to have a conversation with your kids that although this is their wedding, you need to listen to both sides. One side, because it makes more noise, doesn’t get to win all the time. That while it’s hard, you have to look out for both sides.
I guess I was more addressing the couple that spends 12 days at one house and 4 at the other with the 12 day parent not willing to give any to the 4 day parent. Or that’s how I interpreted it.
I’m not super needy, I don’t expect a ton from my kids. But there are times I’ve had a gentle conversation that this couple has 2 sides and not just the one.
I can’t easily recall many weddings where the two sides sat together, by design. When you add in grandparents, a treasured aunt, etc, it seems each side could get unwieldy.
But based on the size of FSIL’s family vs our side, it looks like my bff and I will share a table with his dad and step mom, a few close others. (The brothers, spouses, his mom, etc, will need a separate table.) The bulk of the guest list is their peer friends.
D1 and FSIL decided on their own table, just the two of them. I’d thought they’d sit with the attendants, but not.
I plan to mingle. I won’t know most guests but it’s nice to do. And I’ll have a chance to ask the bridesmaids to do that, too. Some will, some may not, but I know these gals and can ask. A couple of rounds during the reception should be good.
Honestly, I think it would be odd for me to a call my in-laws “mom” and “dad”. I only have one set and those are my parents. In the same vein, I wouldn’t want my kids’ partners to call me mom and dad. I have a great relationship with both and we love each other and express that but we are on a first name basis and I don’t see that changing if my kids marry them. I am not their parents but they are already loved members of our family. I wouldn’t get hung up on the words used.
Perhaps a lot of it is cultural.