I call my mil by her first name. My DIL calls me by my first name. My husband doesn’t call my mom anything because he’s so strange lol! Really drives all of us crazy but after 30+ years, he can’t call my mom by her first name and would never call her mom. So it’s hey you or something like that. Sigh
This thing about unbalanced vacation days goes well back in time. Sometimes, it’s traditions people don’t think to even out. I’d say it’s darned important for the couple to face and come up with what’s fair. And that includes some non family time, too.
But I want to add that sometimes we need to make time with us an attractive opportunity. Once kids couple, it’s not the same to expect them to just come home and be home.
I’m not talking expensive treats, just what would make it attractive to the couple, as well as meeting family wants.
I called my mil “mom” and fil “dad”. His new wife is first name.
H uses nothing with my parents unless it’s absolutely necessary but then will say mom/dad. I met my inlaws when I was still 18 so they were Mr/Mrs for a while so I was going to have to transition to something. Mom/dad felt better than first names at the time.
I’ve never been to a wedding where the bride and groom’s parents sat together. Would be a nice show of unity though.
As for dividing of time… I empathize. We lived in close proximity to my parents for most of my D’s childhood so we saw my parents much, much more. My parents tried to invite the inlaws to holidays though but they were unwilling to change their traditions. It was complicated.
As parents of an only child, I hope our D’s inlaws will include us when the time comes!
On reading the last page or so I realize again that younger son – and by extension we – hit the in-law jackpot. DIL is an only child. The kids live in the Midwest, her parents west coast, we’re northeastern US. And we all play as nicely as we can. Everyone was just here for Christmas. Since husband and I are only children, and grew up kept at a distance from extended family, DIL’s parents are actually our first taste of a healthy, happy, not-just-nuclear-family tradition and dynamic. Our older son (I believe the only extrovert of the four of us) probably felt the lack more than the rest of us. He absolutely loves the way our family holidays have evolved, and the rest of us do as well.
Both sets of parents plus our older son take turns visiting the “kids” in their city, and they (younger son and DIL) get out there as well as here for similar frequency and duration. It’s definitely a couple thing; they each support time with both sides of their family.
I think it would be nice for husband and me, and possibly DS1, to get ourselves out there so that the in-laws aren’t the only ones on the road in order for us to all get together. We’ll figure it out. We’re all on the same side.
I think your son’s in-laws hit the jackpot as well! Not all would be so gracious about opening their home so warmly, @HouseChatte.
For both sides, my parents called their inlaws some version of Mom/Dad. I call my inlaws Mom/Dad, but my parents have different mother/father monikers (in Hebrew) so it’s not like the “same”.
I dislike first names for this context. All things considered, I’d prefer Mrs. Lastname. I think I am an old lady trapped in a younger lady’s body in that regard.
I’m actually OK with FDIL determining that she doesn’t want to call me Mom even though it’s kind of hurtful. But I’m much less OK with my son’s FMIL not letting him call her Mom. I think it’s actually a Miss Manners idea, the thought that the younger person should be able to round up the relationship but the older not force it.
My sisters and I are very close. All of our inlaws are also close to us as a gang, and all encouraged all of the kids to call them grandparent names. (E.g. my kids call my sisters’ inlaws G/G in addition to their actual G/G.) That was started by my sister’s inlaws when they happened to visit a bit more, and it spread to the rest because everyone loved the idea. My son went to a different sister’s MIL for some advice once, and I share books with another sister’s MIL over email.
My grandfather was famous for including everyone in his “family” who wanted to be, and he is known for that even decades after he passed away. My inlaws lost so many in the Holocaust that they have the attitude that you don’t turn down prospective family.
My father told me that he and my mother sat with the new inlaws at all of us sisters’ weddings. (I didn’t remember but thought that was the case.)
So I’m just coming at it from a totally different perspective than the future ILs.
@lookingforward hit on another dynamic I didn’t put in my OP. One of the reasons that they spend so much time with her family is that they are loaded and spend time at her parents’ home and THEN spend a week at their vacation home, skiing. My bff can’t compete with all the bells and whistles her parents provide, but, really, shouldn’t have to, right?
@HouseChatte that’s how we feel as well. We got along so well at Tgiving that we want to do it again next year!
Your custom and thoughts actually do seem a bit “old school” to me. I could never go by Mrs. Lastname. Then again, I am a Ms. and use my maiden name. 
I would find it awkward if my kids’ partners, once married, called me Mom. I’d find it a little obsequious actually. But, then again, I’m the type that had my kids’ friends call me by my first name in high school.
I don’t think either way is right or wrong. Just what we’re used to. Just pointing out that there are different approaches so can relate to your future DIL and her family’s stance.
I don’t get hung up on names. One can still be “family” and very much embrace others in the family fold without a familial title.
I guess my point is that I can see it is bothering and hurting you but please don’t get too hung up in what one calls another and just keep being opening and welcoming.
DiL asked us before the wedding what we wanted to be called. I our first names were fine, so that’s what we do. I call my own MIL by her first name, or Mom, depends on the circumstance. When I send the newlyweds a card or something, I sign it “Mom”. Hopefully her extremely possessive and confrontational mother will never see that part.
We sat together at the wedding ceremony, but not at the reception. MOB is a single mom and I did not want her to be by herself. When the vows were pronounced I just held out my hand and she took it and we beamed at each other, which was nice. Our seating was very open, though, everyone but the three of us just picked a place to sit. But prior to the ceremony she was still argumentative with the MOH about everything.
At the reception DH sat with his family, my family sat together and MOB was strategically placed with her friends, far from the bride but still able to see everything that was going on. Bridal party sat with SO’s and scattered around. But there wasn’t a lot of sitting, anyway. (I spent most of the time circulating and checking on things, although I had a seat with DH family since we rarely see them and we see mine quite a lot)
@fretfulmother I could see myself telling my prospective in-law not to call me mom. In a very open friendly way.
Please call me Deb, I’m not your mom, you have one you love very much. I want you to be comfortable with calling me Deb.
Everyone calls me by my first name, I’m very informal. In high school, all the kids called me by my first and last name, I don’t think they did that for anyone else. It’s just who I am.
I think my kids even call me by my first name occasionally. I know my nieces and nephews call me by my first name.
@runnersmom- the dress is beautiful and looks VERY much like the one (also blue) my friend wore to her D’s wedding this past October (and she picked blue to match her daughter’s hair!). One thing to note- she had to wear her hair up b/c the ginormous bow made wearing it down unmanageable. She looked stunning and I am sure you will too. And your son sounds like a gem and will land on his feet for sure.
@fretfulmother - ack on the cold shoulder response from the future in-laws! But my feeling has always been- the wedding is just a weekend, whereas the relationship with your kids (and to a lesser degree the extended family) lasts a lifetime. So while she was tacky in her response, if she wants to sit with friends, so be it. There will be other times , especially over that weekend, to spend time with her.
I count my lucky stars that both of my s’s in-laws are delightful (well older s’s in-laws and younger s’s mom and her extended family- the dad is a jerk and my job during the seating of the reception was to be sure my s’s new MIL was seated with her back to the table kitty corner from the table where her ex sat (not sure who set the tables up, but when we realized the ex H might be too close to brides mom, we were sure to have our seats in such a way that it was a non issue from our table, DH and I sat with her (MIL) and we sat with older s’s in-laws at their wedding. We didn’t have a lot of guests at either wedding (limited “space” and limits on who /How many could be invited) but it is what it is. And its water under the bridge.
Because Older s’s in-laws (parents as well as sis in law and her family) all live near DS and his family, they of course get to see them much more than we do. But when we are out there they are very gracious and inclusive.
Its been a little of an adjustment with younger s and his new, very large, extended family. They are a different religion so the initial plan was we’d get thanksgiving and the other family would get xmas. Well this year they divided up for thanksgiving (DIL went to her families, DS came to us) and they got xmas too. But DS and DIL just moved into a new apt and have talked about hosting a holiday. It will all work out. @“Youdon’tsay” - I hope it will work out for your friend.
our DILs call us by our first names. Somehow I think it would feel weird to be called mom and dad.
These are all new chapters in our lives… We will navigate it the best we al can.
I guess this is one of those, “to each his or her own situations.” Like @deb922, my kids’ friends and even my older nieces call us by our first names. If a FDIL or FSIL wanted to call me mom, I probably wouldn’t object but I wouldn’t encourage it, either. My kids are marrying in their 30’s and their partners are, as well. I can’t imagine any of them calling me Mrs. Runnersmom nor would I want them to.
Anyway, back to wedding details! Invitations were mailed on Monday and I received ours today. My H went with S to get measured for his new tuxedo - it is our gift to him. He wondered why the bride gets a new, fancy dress and he would rent something…especially since he’s more likely to wear it again! So he went to a place a friend of mine recommended where her SIL got his and ordered a beautiful, classic tux with a pretty wild lining, according to my H! My S loves clothes and I know this will make him feel very special on his wedding day. Last piece of clothing our family needs is a dress for my D and she is coming up this weekend to shop. I will feel much better once that task is crossed off the list.
DH dusted off his tuxedo… I tried my dress on again to make sure it fit since it had been a while. https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/alex-evenings-embellished-lace-gown-regular-petite/5476315 All is good. We leave Wednesday for the DR. It is kind of scary how little we know about the details but we have faith all will work out. Working out some details for excursions for family and friends. Wish us luck.
It will be wonderful @Singersmom07! Relax and enjoy.
I guess I’m in trouble because after being married for 38 years I have never really liked being called “Mrs. Abasket” by anyone - I have a first name, just use it!
If my DIL wanted to call me mom I wouldn’t OBJECT but it’s not what I would prefer. She has a mom and she is alive and well, why would she need to call me “mom”??? Again, use my first name!
I did make a point to tell her casually but with meaning - “please call me abasket - I’m not really Mrs. Abasket” - it’s kind of a joke now between us.
And one of the reasons I took the time to make my name a point with her is because my in-laws NEVER addressed it - I like @deb922 husband, called them…nothing! Just got around calling out a name for 20+ years!
Despite a long and difficult history, I’ll give my late MIL credit where it’s due on the subject of naming. Husband and I dated starting freshman year of college. It started as a joke but things evolved into them being “Mr. Dad” and “Mrs. Mom” to me. When we got engaged, MIL sent a card saying to go ahead and drop the “Mr.” and “Mrs.” My own parents were more ethnic versions so there was no confusion about who was who. I wasn’t comfortable being bumped to more intimate labeling but I appreciated her welcoming effort and the fact that she at least said something.
We’ve always gone by first names with kids’ peers, friends, SOs. DIL’s parents seem to do the same; at least they do with both our sons.
When my kids’ friends reached a certain age, definitely by college, I casually suggested they could call me my first name, if they wished. It took some a while.
Many used to call me, “Sally’s Mom” or “Susie’s Mom.” I thought that was cute.
I asked my MIL if she had a preference and she said no. It wasn’t that I already had someone in the “Mom” role. More that, despite her being totally gracious, and both of us consciously building a relationship of our own, I didn’t feel that sort of close to her.
FSIL has always called me my first name. I’m fine with that. But he was in his late 20s when we met, that made sense.
@lookingforward - I actually suggested “Aaron’s Mom” naming but that was a no-go for FDIL. (Many friends use that, particularly since I’m also a teacher in their district - otherwise they use Mrs. Lastname or Ms. Lastname - I didn’t mean to imply that it had to be Mrs. because I actually do usually use Ms.)
@Singersmom07 - I love that dress! I’ve been looking at it on the web for a while but I wasn’t sure about the hem - is it higher in front than in back?
My son-in-law calls me Mama “first name.” D2’s boyfriend calls me Miss “first name.” (he is from south).