If it is 4 days past the RSVP date, IMO it’s safe to start rounding up stragglers now.
Well, we are starting this process now. D got engaged on Dec. 28. She and her fiance live in Cambridge MA. Wedding date and ceremony venue are both set (very early May 2021, meeting house in downtown Boston, officiant is groom’s childhood pastor). Now we have to get a reception venue. D and her fiance are foodie types looking at a restaurant reception for about 75 people. Once the reception venue is set, we will need to pick a “home base” hotel as there will be several out-of-towners and we, the parents, will be hosting a post-wedding brunch the morning after. We have a limited window between the Boston Marathon weekend and the wave of university graduations in mid and late May. The heat is on!
Well, the details that can create turmoil are starting to arise, but I think I’ve learned how best to deal with them. FDIL put up an Order of Events timeline for the wedding in the shared Google Docs. I noticed that she has dinner being served at 10:45-11pm and, even though I recognize that the actual reception is starting at 9pm (cocktails from 8-9pm), I think that’s too late. For this kind of evening, I’d rather see the food service condensed in the early (everything’s relative) time frame and dancing later. However, having learned my lesson, I texted my S my concerns and he called me to say he would do what he can do. At this point (1 month out, now), FDIL is getting stressed and I see no reason to put myself in the middle of that. I guess the evening will go as it goes.
There’s something about this one that is preventing me from being as excited as I was about my elder S’s wedding a couple of years ago and I can’t put my finger on it.
Such a balancing act, @runnersmom. Dinner times at weddings can vary significantly by culture, too. The problems arise if folks don’t know when to expect dinner and therefore may skip appetizers that are designed to hold you for a longer period of time. At a wedding with seniors or children attending, some may need to leave earlier. Smart move to go through your son. Wherever they land, making sure guests get the word in advance will help.
I tried to normalize discussions, the benefit of hearing a variety of viewpoints and “tweaking” during the wedding planning in an effort to keep the principals as happy as possible and the B/G calm.
Our wedding coordinator put together an initial weekend timeline that was very specific, going back and forth with us. It was 10 pages long and morphed about 10 times to cover all the details of the three days. While we were all rolling our eyes by round 3, she let us know how typical mini-adjustments or helpful additions were. It was at once ridiculous and useful.
I think that a bit of walking on eggshells is common with the planning and it can be worse depending upon relationships, temperaments and how invested in particulars everyone is. Best to all. Every time DD and FSIL faced a challenge, I found (thanks in large part to this thread), that I could say sincerely that “there is no one planning a wedding who doesn’t have to work “x” through.” Great life skills for all of us.
" I noticed that she has dinner being served at 10:45-11pm and, even though I recognize that the actual reception is starting at 9pm (cocktails from 8-9pm), I think that’s too late."
I agree with you that is very late unless the guests are all from Spain or Brazil. 
And over 15 and under 30. I would be worried about too many cocktails and people getting tipsy and if there are heavy hors d’oeuvres at cocktail time then people likely will not be hungry for a full meal at 10:45 PM.
An 11pm dinner would be a no go for us! I would stay for cocktails and then leave. Can’t imagine many older folks who will stay for dinner.
IIRC, the wedding is taking place after Shabbat – and Shabbat doesn’t end til an hour after sundown.
Yes, @CountingDown, it is. Our rabbi (reconstructionist) will sign the ketubah at sundown, which is 7:09pm that night The ceremony will start at or close to 7:30pm and cocktails at 8. The venue involves walking between a ballroom wing (ceremony and reception) and the original mansion, where the cocktail party will be, so nothing happens instantly. There will be heavy hor’s oeuvres (bride’s family’s choice rather than mine) so I suspect that may be dinner for many but not much I can do. I will tell all my guests (55-65 y/o mostly who are used to late weddings - pretty common here, especially summertime Jewish weddings) and there’s only a couple of really older people (5 grandparents, total). I just want the kids to keep the evening moving, food-wise, rather than stopping at designated points for dinner. I think it’s too late for that.
I was recently at a friend son’s wedding where the main course was served after 10:30. It was such a shame because nobody ate more than a bite or two.
For my D’s wedding we asked the venue to skew things a bit earlier than normal and they agreed – the ceremony is at 5:30, the cocktail hour will start around 6 and the reception/seated dinner should begin around 7. The reception will end at 11 which is fine for our friends and family. The kid’s are having a small after-party with their friends which will last until 1 or so. I expect everyone will be plenty tired and full by then.
That timing would have been ideal but not possible for a Jewish wedding on a Saturday night in March after the time change. We’ll just make sure people are aware and have such a killer party that no one wants to leave early 
In reality, I think the last hour will effectively be an after party for the younger crowd!
This is why I had a Sunday summer wedding at the synagogue, to avoid the late night! That said, many are accustom to this for a Saturday wedding, so know what to expect. Of course, it did not stop my BIL from complaining often during a cousin’s child’s wedding :neutral:
Yup @snowball, and I know exactly from where the griping will emanate! It is what it is - it’s what they want, where they wanted, and this is the date that was available. They will be married and that’s what really matters!
You’ve got this, @runnersmom. All the best for a wonderful weekend.
Months after our daughter’s bi-cultural wedding (a hybrid unique to both families), she told us that DSIL’s maternal grandfather had groused about the wedding and her MIL had made sure he could leave, after telling him to calm down as it was a lovely wedding. Stuff happens; it is how it is handled.
You will never make everyone happy. @runnersmom it is what it is, as you say. I once could not understand the enormous time gaps during a Sat. wedding between ceremony and reception until it was explained to me that Catholic weddings on a Sat. have to be out of the church prior to Sat. pm Mass. As a Protestant living in New Jersey and attending numerous Catholic weddings, I always complained about the time gap between the ceremony and the reception until the reality of the 5 pm Saturday Mass was pointed out to me. The venue where my D is scheduled to marry is technically a museum that closes at 5 pm. Weddings cannot be scheduled until 6. We will have a cocktail hour at reception venue from 7-8, then dinner. This is all to accommodate the availability of the sanctuary.
Not only do Catholic Churches have to be out for 5:00 mass, but they need to be available for confession prior to mass!
Has anyone heard of or been invited to a wedding where they were assigned rooms to share (not suites…rooms) by the bride and groom? Rooms assigned by them with no input from the guests?
And the hotel can’t change these assignments…only the bride and groom can.
Is this a cultural thing for some?
@thumper1 I never heard of such a thing and I would not want to share a room with anyone but my H. I’ve always made hotel arrangements on my own at the hotel recommended by the hosts. Is this perhaps some type of small bed and breakfast type situation where rooms are very limited?
Many of the churches around here have 4:00 Mass on Saturdays, so the latest they will start a wedding is 2 pm. The wedding has to be out the door by 3 unless you want a whole bunch of extra guests showing up toward the end (wedding masses are public and anyone can attend).
@happy1 it’s a small “resort”. Room block is limited…but still…I’d prefer to make my own decisions on if or with whom I share a room.
It’s not a tiny B and B.
That does seem strange @thumper1 . Did they just randomly put you with someone you don’t want to room with ? If so, I would speak up.