We are still not having welcome bags of any sort. Of course, our difference is that of 80 guests, maybe 15 are not local. The reception ends about 930pm and we believe the locals who aren’t in the bridal party will head home at that point. It’s about a 40 minute drive for them.
Restaurant vs. hotel reception? Pros and cons? D and fiance wanted a restaurant wedding (cocktail hour and seated dinner) for approx. 70. First choice is going to be sold and the owners don’t want to book anything too far out (wedding date is 5/1/2021). The couple cares a lot about food. It would be very convenient to have the reception at a hotel but they are adamantly against any hall/function room type event (they want very good food and uniqueness). Wedding is in downtown Boston.
I do need some thoughts. The group planned an out of town bachelorette. Maybe 10 gals, an air bnb in a destination city. Not expensive by vacation standards, but D1 ran through the costs with each gal before booking. All agreed. Then for convenience, D1 booked the deposit on her credit card.
Now, two have backed out (not in the bridal party, if that matters.) They and one other have not paid their part of the original agreed deposit. D1 is under the impression she’s responsible for their amounts, has no recourse. How would you handle this? It’s maybe $400 total extra to D1.
Even if it hadn’t been D1, it would have been one of the others who had to eat this.
@lookingforward Unfortunately there is no way to recoup costs of an informal arrangement based on verbal agreements. It is very sad that those who backed out after offering their commitment will not pay their share, but there does not seem to be any way to make them. I think your D will have to eat any costs that are uncancellable. I suppose she could rescind their wedding invitation if she wanted to go nuclear, but I don’t really see how the no-shows could be compelled to pay up. I suppose the level of offense depends on what is meant by “agreed.” Is it “yes I’ll be there and I understand what I’ll need to pony up” vs. “yes, sounds great, we’ll see.”
That’s a tough one.
Talk to the MOH…maybe the 8 remaining can split the $400…and each pay $50 more.
Or have DD pay $200, and maybe the rest can split the remaining $200…$30 each or so.
If this isn’t costly to begin with…that’s an option, as long as it’s financially not going to strap the girls.
I will say…my kid went to a very costly bachelorette at DisneyLand. It required a cross country plane ticket for my kid. The MOH booked THE most expensive hotels and restaurants…or so it seemed. A gal backed out the day before…and the MOH asked the others to split the remaining costs. My kid had to decline…it was just too much $$$ already…and another amount just wasn’t in her budget.
I have heard so many stories of people backing out of these bachelor/bachelorette out of town weekends. Honestly, here’s what I think in many cases…while they all agreed to the weekend in “X” city, in fact from the start, some were uncomfortable with it - or couldn’t afford it - but wow, that’s so hard to admit in the company of friends! So they say yes but common sense kicks in and they realize they can’t afford it.
I don’t know why it has become a thing to need a big trip to celebrate the bride or groom before the wedding. If the point is having fun together why not save a lot of headaches and have it in the most common/reasonable place - be that the bride’s home city or where they grew up or whatever???
As a 60 year old adult I don’t know that I would want to get on a plane and spend hundreds of dollars on a 1-2 night weekend!
ahh, the joys of planning a bachelorette. A sweet, but pointed email to all, not only those who bailed, explaining that D only went ahead and reserved after consent by all …and she really cannot cover their portion of bill now on her CC. Ask them what they suggest to resolve this issue.
Maybe the two will offer up their share. Maybe those who are still going will offer to split difference, as maybe they won’t have to share a room. Maybe there is another girl that would like to go. Good luck to your D.
I’ve been trying to convince her, since day one, to stay local (or local enough to simplify, not fly, etc.,) to no avail.
Yes, the stated the plan was fine, agreed to the costs. I wish they would offer to pay their deposits.
As for the MOH, I suggested maybe she could put the bug in their ears, either for the deposit or to split the now additional cost or some of it. We’ll see how that turns out. MOH is D2 and she’s not so useful.
But maybe D2 could find a way to let them know this falls on D1.
I really don’t know. The wedding is Nov, so we’re entering the phase of lots could snafu. Little things that add up.
The deposit was 50% and is non refundable.
^^^^ Sorry she/you have to deal with this @lookingforward - one of those conflicts you just don’t need!
These destination bachelor/bachelorette parties baffle me. They seem like just “too much.”
My FDIL’s bachelorette weekend was organized by her sister and best friend. My D and DIL attended. They booked a spa weekend in Montauk which was accessible by car or train for most attendees. It was not inexpensive but, according to my D and DIL, not exorbitant in the world of these things. My S organized his brother’s bachelor weekend at an Air BnB house about 90 minutes north of here. They visited a distillery, went skeet shooting and were back by mid-day Sunday. Five guys, everyone drove. I’m not sure I understand the need for these events but at least these were local-ish and pretty low key.
We are about 2 months post wedding. They are writing the last thank you notes.
Lovely gracious gifts, but yet some disappointment. Two sets of DH and my close friends haven’t given anything. One actually had an extensive conversation with me and said she was ordering from the registry that day. (I’ve even taken her to lunch to thank her for her help during the wedding time).
I’d hate for there to be a lost gift and I plan to insert a conversation…”the thank you’s are done and I just want to be sure if she (daughter) should have one for you…”
Also several of D’s college friends and members of the wedding party have not sent anything. These include people who have already married and had babies. They have received gifts from D on their occasions. (D is planning to ask one mutual friend about her gift-receiving experiences).
Of course there are those who didn’t attend and haven’t sent gifts. Although etiquette says a gift is still necessary, we are only thinking about those who fully attended the day — and this doesn’t have anything to do with the expense of the gift. [That would be a whole ‘nother discussion to include regional customs].
We realized that in this day of electronic communications, some people don’t have D & SIL’s home address. The invitations were sent from our address and the registry has “blinded” the address.
We are planning to send one more “mailing” — a postcard to share their favorite picture with a “now at home at …” address.
I’m really curious…What have your experiences been?
I don’t think that is true.
On the June wedding, DD2 is the bridesmaid that is not living local to the wedding - she lives over 200 miles away. The bride keeps ‘forgetting’ to keep DD2 up to date, and DD2 has had to rely on checking with the local bridesmaid that was also the college room-mate (the 3 of them lived in 3 BR apt for 2 years), and DD2 and the other bridesmaid were together for 3 years - and also were in elementary school and HS together some years. Two different things - the day of bridal dress shopping (which was planned in advance - mother and grandmother came from out of state), and now an out of state bridal shower. In some ways this gal has grown up like ‘the princess’. DD2 also has been excluded from a ride back from out of state shower (she had to book a two way airline ticket instead of one way) from the shower because ‘there isn’t room for her with the presents’. Well the presents could possibly have come down in June at the wedding time if not room for person and gifts, so DD2 was excluded. She bought the one way ticket so she could fly with the bride to be and the other bridesmaids going (I told her she absolutely should have talked directly with the bride to be instead of getting the arrangements from the bridesmaid that is included on the ride back due to the bride to be’s track record) - I believe it is just these two gals going to the shower - IDK if she has a home town gal in her bridal party who will also be at the bridal shower. Instead of this arrangement, DD2 could have flown round trip from an airport closer to her, with shorter flight and lower cost. The silver lining is we get to see DD2 before and after the flight - but she was driving a lot to be included and she is not totally included. I do think the bride to be’s mom is going to see how stinky her daughter is to not even discuss if there could be room in the car for DD2.
I can’t imagine spending time on gifts not received. Maybe those in the wedding felt the time, energy and other costs associated was their “gift”.
Not for me to judge who gives, who doesn’t and or why.
We’re still waiting for the promised gift from MIL’s cousin (who attended the wedding) 40 years later. It’s become an inside joke between DH and I.
I agree that I think a gift is not required if you don’t attend.
As for my D1, she’s a good sport type and will do what it takes to mind her manners and preserve the friendships. But she’ll remain privately annoyed. Not only did they agree, but one even made a big FB post about her excitement.
Not my business, but I’ll admit to this thread that all are well employed. And have been close since graduation.
And again, yes, I think it’s a poor idea, to begin with. A friend marrying in June is doing Orlando. I hope that’s well before school let’s out.
My sister is under the impression that you have a year to give a wedding gift. So she usually waits and then at about the year mark asks the bride and groom what they really wanted that they didn’t get.
For my son’s wedding two of my cousins didn’t give a gift. My aunt had made all the arrangements for them to attend (hotel, flights, etc…), so I imagine they forgot.
I’ve long felt uncomfortable with a non-gift situation… I had been quite close with a professor and his wife and I babysat their children and we had a friendship that lasted many years. At this point, he still sends me LinkedIn messages as he follows my work endeavors.
Anyway, 36 years ago, they declined our wedding invitation with a note that a gift would be following. Nothing every arrived, so no thank you note was sent. I’ve always wondered.
Considering the sites the brides and grooms are following for etiquette guidance:
Zola
Can’t Go? Still Send a Gift
Pretty simple: Send a gift even if you cannot attend the wedding.
TheKnot
Here’s the deal with wedding gifts: Technically, you aren’t obligated to ever get a couple anything. If you do get them a gift, you’re just expressing your goodwill and support of their marriage. That said, most to-be-weds and wedding guests alike consider wedding gifts pretty much obligatory.
This couple did not have a shower. He did not have a bachelor party, and she had a very small no-travel bachelorette party, so their friends were not nickeled and dined along the way. So, I really don’t care about those who didn’t attend, but I do think those who attended should follow through with something.