Not required. Zola is a gift registry site. Of course they are going to tell you to buy a gift.
Not necessary if you don’t attend.
We did not chase down folks who didn’t send gifts. That was their choice.
We DID have several gifts without cards, and cash gifts with totally illegible signatures. We did track those down, and it was not easy!!
D1 was invited to bachelorette party with expensive airfare, and then the maid of honor said they should pay for the bride’s trip. D1 said, “hmm, no. I’ll chip in for a night out for her or a spa treatment, but not for her trip.”
For D1’s bachelorette party, D2 booked the airbnb, but told everyone they owned their share whether they showed up or not. They knew how D1 rolled, so no one backed out or tried not to pay.
@lookingforward - It’s going to be hard to make those ladies to pay for their shares. I would just eat it and know them for who they are. My kids have few friends like that and they don’t get invited to many events. D1 has a friend who said she should pay less for an Airbnb rental because she was leaving a night earlier. D1 said, “Your bedroom is yours for 4 nights, if you want to rent it out for one night because you don’t need it then you are free to do so.”
I always send a gift if I do not attend a wedding. That gift is generally smaller than it would be if I attended the affair - I view it as a gesture that recognizes a happy occasion for people I care about, not a requirement.
Sometimes a person/couple’s financial situation means they can not afford sending gifts to everyone they know that is getting married or having kids.
I always thought that the polite thing for people in such situations was to decline the invitation to the wedding or shower, that it was rude to show up to such things empty handed.
I never heard that it was required to send a gift just because someone invited you to something.
We’d have more people in more debt if this was true. Or a lot of people with no friends.
The whole idea of a gift being expected or mandatory or whatever really leaves a bad taste in my mouth of what is suppose to be a happy occasion spend with people the couple loves - not people you invite so you can get a pay back. And anyone who attends I would want there because they want to celebrate the love of a happy couple. not because they are there because they can meet the requirement of providing a gift.
MOST people gift. I would not judge the very few who chose not to or for some reason can’t afford to.
Well, it’s started. My H’s best friend’s wife is afraid to fly to NY in 3 weeks, especially because they will be leaving their teenaged kids home. So, she’s out but he’s still hoping to come. I spoke to my S this morning (after avoiding the topic for a week so as not to create additional anxiety) and he said they’ve already acknowledged that some people, especially those who are flying, may cancel. Right now they’re not ready to talk contingency plans but I’m already thinking.
Where are they flying from? Are they worried about getting sick…or not being able to get home?
Hope it all works out OK.
Chicago - I think, realistically, she’s more worried about being away from the kids than getting sick but I really don’t know. Her husband is my H’s best friend from college and like an uncle to my S - he says he will be doing his damndest to get here.
Wedding is 3/28. No Corona related issues (yet). Most are local, or at least from different areas in California, so not expecting it to be a big issue, but who knows. BUT, my aunt has cancer and wants to come more than anything but has had a set back this week. So is iffy. We had a meeting with the venue on Saturday. Since our event is a buffet, she says it is easier to add at the last minute than take away. So that is what we did. Headcount should be about 130.
Just met with florist and venue. Both are sympathetic to the issue and will work with us if our numbers are drastically reduced beneath what the contracts call for. The venue is also a conference center and they’ve had three conferences for March already reschedule.
I hope they (whoever ‘they’ is) had agreed to go to the event and pay the cost before D2 booked it. Just being in the wedding should commit you to paying for weekends you have no control over.
I think the whole bachelorette/bachelor party is ridiculous, especially those at destination places. My daughter was in a wedding and is good friends with the bride and groom, but it cost my daughter a fortune and it wasn’t her wedding! The bachelorette party was in St. Thomas because the bride’s aunt had a house they could use for ‘free.’ Airfare was $350. Daughter had to take 2 days off from work and the way her vacation works means she really had to make up that time. Only D and 1 other bridesmaid went and the others there were the bride’s mother, aunt and cousins. My daughter is a very active person and the others just wanted to drink all weekend and sleep away the mornings. They could have stayed local, gone drinking, and saved the airfare and the vacation time.
So all that expense and not even a fun time. I don’t think she’ll agree to be in any more weddings. Knowing my girl, I’m sure she just threw away the dress that she never would have chosen ($200).
I agree that the destination attendant weekend has gotten crazy. S1 almost gave back his best man duties when his friend insisted on a Big Trip. Eventually the men banded together and just flat out refused. S2’s wedding did not have a weekend at all, because everyone had to fly for the wedding itself and I said that was more than enough to ask of his friends. It’s a wedding, not the prom, or vacation, for goodness sake. Have a little empathy for your friends!
One reason DD had no official wedding party was that the wedding was a destination wedding in the DR. She did not want to burden anyone with any other expenses. It worked out great. Her 2 best friends were still unofficial attendants with none of the required trappings.
For those of you who have had weddings at catering-type venues, did you tip the chef, maitre d’ or on-site event coordinator? Our contract provides for a gratuity for the service staff but apparently the others are not covered by that fee and we are told it it voluntary but customary.
Of course that’s given (trust me, there were a lot of group emails). D1 asked if her then future sister-in-law if she wanted to be in the bridal party. Her mother quickly reminded her the cost of being in the bridal party and she declined. D1 has been in 2 bridal parties and going to be in another one this June (in Portugal). She said she would only commit if she could participate in all events required by the bride. One can generally figure out the bride’s expectations. For D1’s bachelorette party, she actually paid for a dinner to thank everyone for coming. I hosted the shower for D1 so her bridesmaids wouldn’t have to organize or pay for it.
My older son has been a groomsman in 5 weddings that I remember for sure, I may be forgetting another one or two. He is 32 , just got engaged, so it will be interesting to see how it goes with number of groomsmen for him. He and his fiancee have lots of friends and seem to be going to a bachelor, bachelorette party, or wedding every time you turn around! The cost really does add up. Their friends really have embraced their new engagement though so I guess it’s their turn!
They were really looking forward to the wedding of friends in October in Italy but I wonder what will happen with that with all the coronavirus concerns.
We have a small family so I am glad that may help them be able to invite the friends they want.
Our daughter and her wedding party and some additional friends were from all over the country. So…we were able to get a nice four bedroom house for all of them to use for three days prior to the wedding. All of the girls arrived staggering times but at least two days before the wedding. We stocked the place with food and beverages. There was a nice outdoor patio too.
The MOH planned a night out for everyone that was not too costly. Paint bar, taco place (very popular around here). They also did a spa morning getting manicures and pedicures, and having a continental breakfast there.
They went out to dinner one other night too.
The MOH was very aware of the financial concerns for this wedding…with airline tickets, rental cars and the like. This pre wedding gathering worked out well for everyone.
@thumper1 - that sounds really nice.
I don’t remember any of the trappings like this when DH/I got married in 1994. I had two close friends who played music for the aisle walking who also stood with my sisters. I gave them each a little necklace. They had travel costs but they were HS friends so their families lived in town and they could visit anyway. No showers, trips, etc.
For DS, he had two or three HS friends who took him for an Escape Room, Lunch, and a special cake on a random day earlier this year. (He got food poisoning, but that wasn’t his friends’ or the day’s fault. 
) DS and FDIL aren’t having any attendants, though each sibling, each parent, each living grandparent, each living great-grandparent, and a couple of uncles - all have special ceremony-connected roles.
I really wish I hadn’t mentioned the etiquette of gifts from those who didn’t attend. I really don’t care about those. But that said, I was raised to give a gift for weddings, but not necessarily for showers that I didn’t attend. That’s in my 1984 etiquette book. Times have changed!
I am bothered by those who attended from our side but didn’t give anything. One couple is quite well situated (and I’m not speculating). He and I have worked together for years. The other couple are neighbors. I don’t care about the value of the gift, but I think the failure to acknowledge the celebration is … a failure.
Thanks @happy1 for your ideas too.
I kind of like @thumper1 situation of needing to match cards and gift. Not that it was fun for her, but it is an entree to a conversation.
Editing to add: I think our very casual cell phone communications and texting have had an impact. If you want to say Happy Birthday, you may send a text or post on Facebook. There has to be a significant decrease in market for greeting cards. I think that extends somewhat to gift giving. Find an address? Buy a stamp?
Even in 1984, gifts were never required from guests, let alone from non-attending invitees.