Agree @abasket. I do think her usual being more considerate and open will come back. Until then, keeping in touch but discussing other things.
In terms of suggestions to adult children, generally speaking (not wedding centered) is to encroach a suggestion with something along the lines of…“it’s merely an idea and feel free to ignore it”. Then, your idea is heard, but doesn’t come across as trying to persuade or convince.
This is kind of OT.
My D was complaining about something and I gave out a piece of advice. It wasn’t received very well ;). I asked her what she wanted. Mom, I want you to listen and agree with me.
So that’s what I’ve been doing. Yes, un hun, oh that’s terrible. Nod and repeat. Biting my tongue.
DD1 - I am honest with her. But now I am really not even encroaching with suggestions verbally. Will facebook PM ideas/suggestions with the understanding ‘here are some thoughts to consider’. I know they discuss with future MIL which is fine - she will steer them the right way.
Remains to be seen how emotionally invested DD is with wedding details/vision. Trying to tip her off in a major way that the couple’s earnings need to come in the mix w/o running beyond the budget. The dress she has chosen is important to her and looks lovely, and it will be ordered in Dec.as part of her budget.
SOS: If she wants to - she can just shave her arms. Many do. This is not a real big deal. I think for many shaving is easier on the skin that waxing, which is also an option. However - If her arms don’t bother her, I would just keep quiet.
@deb22, I had something similar with my daughter related to her wedding. She was terribly upset that a close couple would not be able to make the wedding as the wife was going to be laid off from her job. As the travel was from the UK to the states, the couple stated they could not attend, and this was 10 months before the wedding was to take place. In my mommy can make it right thought process, I told my daughter that there was plenty of time, so maybe the friend would find a job and be able to make the trip. My motto over the last few years has been, “wait to worry,” as something things work out the way you want.
My daughter got mad at me and we had a bit of a blow out. I asked was it was she wanted from me. He reply was, she wanted to to not try to minimize he problems, and just agree with her that the situation sucks! She comes to me with problems at times and really doesn’t want advice, but an ear and confirmation that things are bad. Here I was thinking that she was coming to mom to feel better and be lifted up 
Oh how relationships change as that get older!!
Or there is a gentle cosmetic bleach for skin hair. But our kids often have to deal with something or other that’s not perfect and sometimes our job is to let them live with confidence. Even the little good-will corrections can have a lasting effect. In the long run, confidence can trump being worried abut perfection.
An aside. I worked with super top performers who often came to me to download and then gave me that look that meant I had to say something. I learned to gently ask whether they wanted my opinion or my support. Most times, they answered, your support. I sometimes do that with my girls, too, with the same result: they just want my vote of confidence. They already made decisions or chose preferences and really want my approval.
When D2 was getting married, I just asked vague questions. “Were you thinking of having someone do your hair?” “Did you think about shoes?” She wore a choker I thought was wrong. I let it go.
Yes, S and I often locked horns until I finally figured out why – I started asking him whether we were trying to solve or improve a situation or he was just venting. Once we got that straight and he articulated which he wanted (usually venting), we had much better discussions.
Neither of my kids are in a serious relationship (as far as we know), but it’s food for thought.
My S and FDIL just invited me to join them and MOB to look at a wedding venue on Sunday. I let my S know that it was ok with me if they just wanted to go with her mom, but he wants me to go with them. Mind you, it’s a 2 hour ride in each direction They seem so excited about this place and we are excited that there is still availability Labor Day weekend 2017. They got engaged while hiking and this place has a rustic, summer camp-type feel; it would be perfect for them. And so it begins.
I thought she wanted it sung at the ceremony.
Consolation, I was responding to SOSConcern’s postings 1532 - 1535, which I read as the D rejecting the choice of a song at the reception. If it was a request for the ceremony, then it would have been more appropriate - in my opinion only of course - for the D to suggest a prominent place in the reception instead.
There are songs before the ceremony which it could have been placed, but I have to withdraw the song request because DD hates the song. I get it. I can listen to the song and think of them w/o it having any ‘play time’. The vocalist could have performed it before the ceremony, no problem except the bride didn’t want it at all.
DD has not liked bleaching or shaving her forearms, but she may end up deciding on doing something or not. That is up to her, and how much her peers might or might not influence her. In the past, lightening attempts have changed her skin to orange like color (not good); she hasn’t liked after effects of shaving. She has not tried professional treatment which if it were me, I would want to do. But I also withdraw from this.
It is a mine field. So I just wait for them to invite us step by step.
D1 and I are planning her wedding together. I am paying for it, but neither one of us makes any decision without the other person’s agreement. We had a difference of opinion on the venue at first, but I think we have finally found a place that both of us would like. The good thing is both of us have fairly similar taste, so no big issues so far. I have engaged a wedding planner, and she is making it a bit easier for us to do it long distance.
@SOSConcern, I think it’s very sensitive and sensible for you to step back and let your D and FSIL gave the wedding the way they want it. I think it’s especially prudent to totally let the bride decide whether or not she wants to do anything about her forearms at all.
My DD and her fiance have been looking at reception venues that are fairly close to the church they have chosen for the service. They are both very frugal - so much so that I have encouraged DD to at least look at one or two additional places that are a little more expensive, just to see what’s out there.
Before people start screaming at me - yes, my H and I are paying for most (if not all) of the wedding, and yes, I know how expensive things can get. We actually have money left over from her college fund that we earmarked long ago for a wedding - and she’s our only child, so no need to save for another wedding (or for other college tuition).
I just don’t want her tendency to be frugal (cheap?) cause her to miss out on options that may not be as expensive as she assumed.
It is exciting to actually start the planning stage, but it’s also a little bittersweet: DD lives 600+ miles away from me and so most of our wedding discussions are via Facetime or text. I wish I were closer! At least we’re going dress shopping together in the spring; when I asked her who else she wanted to invite to go shopping with us, she said “no one else, really - I only need you.”
^^ And I forgot to add - the wedding is planned for April/May of 2018 - so definitely an “…and beyond” wedding!
Wedding costs can vary a lot, from where you are, what the venue costs, what the reception/dinners will cost. Glad you have $$ left over @scout59 - that is nice for starting. Have you met fiance’s family? That may direct some on what the couple wants too.
I think we know what you mean, scout. We can sometimes see the value in expanding what’s considered, while still remaining reasonable. In some ways, our longer life experience means we know how some bullets might create great memories and might be worth shaving a little off something else.
Like some others, my daughter’s venue was a beautiful big house, I might cal it a mini McMansion. It was worth every penny, gave great space and encouraged guests to mingle. Otoh, the food was simple, we didn’t add heaps of decorations. Through the careful planning, we got pretty amazing bang for our buck and it came off as elegant.
I give e your daughter bonus points for having the wedding and reception close. I hate when receptions are in a different time zone or hours apart. I went to a wedding in NYC and the reception, in NJ, was several bridges and tunnels and highways and tolls away. Too much trouble.
They couldn’t have found a place to have the wedding in NJ? I probably would have skipped the wedding and just went to the reception.