2016 and beyond wedding moms and dads (Part 1)

Parent Cafe
1601

No, I don’t think she was going to fly the morning of. She really couldn’t get here in time, even if they had a 5AM flight. They live about ten minutes from Burbank’s Bob Hope airport, so that’s why she flies out of Burbank, plus she flies Southwest for the two free bags (we expect she’ll bring two to have an empty one to take gifts/stuff back home in), so no non-stops from Burbank. She was hoping for the 17th, which just made me too nervous given she has to change planes somewhere, even if she took the first plane out. I’ve seen weather push things back at least 24 hours, although flying into Midway is often a better scenario than flying into O’Hare if it’s weather-related.

This is really the first thing having to do with the wedding I’m going to be insistent on… I think! Wish me luck.

Edited to correct, yes, I said the 18th in #1598 like that’s when she’d prefer to fly in, but I meant the 17th… sorry for the misinformation.

1602

I can see why she prefers Burbank; such a low stress option compared to the insanity that is LAX, especially around the holidays.

The good news is, no matter what she decides, you’ve apparently raised an optimist! That will hold her in great stead for her whole life, and, if the weather prevents her appearance at her own shower – well, it’s a story for the grandkids on their 50th anniversary (though it would be absolutely mortifying for you in the moment).

I completely see your point of view, and would feel exactly the same way. Based on my experience with my own (much younger) daughter, though, it sounds like you may be at the point where pushing could be counter productive. Could you avoid asking her about it until Sunday?

1603

You’re being practical to have her book her flight early in case of weather. I have similar arguments with my kids who are always optimistic about travel plans and rarely build in buffers. I suppose she could Skype/Facetime into her own shower if she gets delayed, although that’s not a satisfactory solution.

1604

Sometimes a parent has to put one’s foot down due to consideration of guests and contingency planning. The bride to be needs to suck it up!

DD and FSIL - will let them know if the wedding planning is stressing them out too much, they need to either decide to give themselves more time (push the wedding out) or plan for the important things and let the rest go. DD2 was asking ‘what is the rush?’ - but if a couple knows they want to be married and are mature to handle marriage - we parents (and groom’s parents) all believe they will be fine.

Saw a friend yesterday - son and college GF both have jobs many states away (same location; clearly they are living together); no idea what has held them back from getting married. Yikes. I know the fella’s Catholic parents are a bit concerned about the situation…

1605

Finally got to talk to her, and she has agreed to come in on Friday, the 16th, so YEA! Less stress for me, for this event. Thanks for confirming my appropriate worrying everyone! Gotta be prepared for weather delays this time of year, although she did manage to get the ‘coming here’ plane change in Las Vegas, as opposed to Denver, so hopefully that will minimize any weather risks.

1606

Glad that worked out for you.

1607

I definitely feel the wedding planning/college planning analogy. Along with bridal D, I have a hs senior (MOH) and hs junior (groomsman and DJ). Going from one set of planning to the other and then the other is like having a slingshot in my brain!

I’m glad that D’s venue has the reception just a short walk from the ceremony rather than in a neighboring state! It’s an outdoor ceremony and the reception will be in a tent. There is also a little apartment for getting ready.

D and fiance have been making some good progress. They have a photographer. We loved her on-line galleries and when they met with her there was great chemistry. They’ve done a lot of work on the ceremony. It won’t be standard so they’re putting a lot of planning into it. D’s next step is to talk to her granddad (H’s Dad), who will be performing the ceremony, to iron out the details.

@MichaelNKat, thanks for coming back to let us all know how it went. I very much like how it was fun, personal, and meaningful. That is the same kind of atmosphere my D and her fiance are looking for. Congratulations to your D and her husband! (And to you on learning how to tie a bow-tie – a skill I’m sure will serve you well for many years to come.)

@teriwtt, I’m glad she went for the 16th – much less stress.

1608

Well, put me into the DONE category! Our daughter was married yesterday and (surprise!) it went really well! For the first time in my life, I had my hair and make-up done, and that was really worth it. All I had to do was slip on the dress and shoes and I was ready to go! The church ceremony was uplifting and fun, the photographer was friendly and professional, food was great, band was terrific and everyone danced, laughed and had a good time. We had people from all over the country and I loved knowing that the bride and groom were loved by so many friends and relatives. We hosted a breakfast buffet this morning for the out of town guests and it surprised me how many came, but that was great too. The wedding reception was kind of loud and cool but the breakfast was quiet and it was easier to talk. Kind of a nice way to say goodbye too.

1609

@walkinghome it sounds like it was all terrific! Congrats!

1610

Lovely. :slight_smile:

1611

@walkinghome, another great wedding pulled off on this thread! I always love reading the “post-wedding reviews” – makes the whole thing seem more real I think. Congrats to the happy couple.

1612

With the post-wedding reviews if you could add some dos and don’ts, it would be a great help with us newbies.

@walkinghome - congrats.

1613

Here’s a DO:

I served as a Campus Minister for several years and happily, got to officiate at several weddings of some of our college couples. They, like most brides and grooms discussed on this thread, were generally recent college grads. Thus, a goodly portion of their attendants were recent college grads, too. Some were still in school. That’s fine.

What wasn’t fine is that there were a few occasions when the attendant, out of embarrassment, did not tell the groom or bride that they really couldn’t afford the dress/tux rental, whatever and when it came nearer the date, dropped the bombshell on their friend – who always then had to shell out a few extra hundred to cover that attendant’s expenses. The absolute worst was when the bride to be in tears, at the rehearsal dinner, had to pull out a few hundred to pay for one of the groomsmen’s tuxes which he hadn’t been able to pay for and was needed the very next day.

I learned, the hard way, that part of my pre-marriage counseling had to include a brief review of wedding plans and being clear about the potential bridal party members being financially responsible had to be addressed. If one simply couldn’t afford it, either the couple had to pay for it or ask that person to serve in a different capacity.

1614

Good idea @oldfort . I asked many people who had been involved in a recent wedding for suggestions on what they thought went well, and what they wish they had not done.

From that and tips here I did this : Spent less money on decorations - we bought flowers from Costco and a local wholesale florist. My good friend did the bouquets and another relatives did simple large vase flower displays for the church that we took to the reception.

We got a close relative to be the “Day of” person and she did a wonderful job of keeping everyone in line and telling everyone when to be where.

Spend money on a photographer that suits the bridal couples style. Our guy was one my daughter picked and he was a real asset. After the wedding and reception line, we all went to a local park that he had scouted out and he took pictures in the beautiful twilight. He was willing to take any group pictures that we asked him to at the reception.

Make the ceremony what the bridal couple wants. My daughter and her fiance did the program and it included something special written by her brother, a touching song sung by a friend and a hymn sung by the whole group. Everyone told us how moved they were.

Everyone loved the photo booth and it was fun seeing the goofy pictures afterwards - they gave my daughter a disc that contained everything taken and everyone got a strip of pictures right after they were taken.

Enlist relatives to help out. We had lots of offers for help and gladly took many people up on it. People like to feel like they were part of the effort and it was nice to know that we didn’t have to do everything. We asked for a couple of adult cousins to usher. Another family was asked to move the flowers, We had to move things from the cocktail hour to the reception place and we asked for help with that, etc…

As I mentioned above, getting my hair and make-up done (nails the day before) was another stroke of genius and something that low-maintenance people like myself wouldn’t normally do, but that was really worth it. I felt put-together and everyone told me that I looked very nice.

My daughter went with low-cost bridesmaid suggestion and just asked her ladies to wear a certain color dress, a same colored pump and pearls. Only one had to buy a dress for the wedding and they borrowed pearls from each other. Two of the guys did buy suits, but like the ladies, they’ll use them again. Of this group, only one was a recent college grad. The others were in their late twenties or early thirties.

1615

My philosophy: it doesn’t have to be expensive to be elegant.

1616

Thanks to reading about it here, we used Costco flowers for the centerpieces and had leftover baby’s breath we used for the rehersal dinner’s unplanned centerpieces. We did use a florist for bouquets and church flowers (which were pretty much required by the church since they use them all weekend then).

1617

@walkinghome, can you explain a little more about this?

Was the “Day of” coordinator only responsible making sure the guests were in the right places at the right times, or did that person also have to do the same thing with the vendors (officiant, florist, DJ, photographer, hair and makeup, etc.)?

I’ve been thinking that at my daughter’s upcoming wedding, I could probably handle this task and save them some money if I would only be responsible for the guests. But I wouldn’t have a clue about how to work with the vendors.

1618

@walkinghome, thanks for those suggestions. I’m pasting your post straight into D’s wedding planning google doc. I’m also curious to hear more details about what this “day of coordinator” might do.

1619

I had never heard of a “day of” person until this thread. I imagine it could be a paid person that dealt with the vendors, but ours was a close adult relative that wasn’t in the wedding party, organized and has no problem telling people (nicely) where to go. She was not involved in any of the planning but came to the rehearsal with a clipboard and took notes as we walked through the ceremony a few times. On the day of the wedding, she made sure that the guys gathered in the correct place, ushers were aware of their duties, programs were ready, flowers were where they needed to be. She didn’t have to do much with the girls but make sure that we got upstairs in time and then told them when to start walking. After the wedding she helped with the order of the receiving line, got guests to move through it, put the grandparents in a sitting room so people could circle there to see them after going through the line. She also kept in touch with the photographer so he knew what was going on. We didn’t need help with the vendors on the wedding day since the only one we had to deal with was the restaurant where it was held. I think just knowing that someone was watching over the whole thing and she knew she had the authority to move things around just lightened our burden.

1620

@walkinghome, that’s very helpful.

For my daughter’s wedding, the “Day of” issue will need more thought. The wedding will be smaller and simpler than what you describe, with fewer logistics involving the guests. But there will be more logistics with the vendors.