I think I’ve written and deleted some variation of this post at least 20 times. My D & her fiancé are starting to look at venues again after taking the winter off. I was starting to get excited about this, and then we received the first quote of the season, and I just don’t know where to put my feelings.
To me, the prices are so high, that they are offensive and they take away all the fun.
There are a lot of people in the mix, with both my ex and his S.O. and my future SIL’s parents viewing weddings as extraordinary celebrations worth spending the farm on. My share would be OK for me to contribute. It’s just that I don’t think it’s right to spend so much money on one day. To be eloquent, ha ha, it just feels yucky to me, and not a good way to start off a new life together.
I’m torn between 1- just shutting up since I can afford my share and I should go with the flow and focus on the positive and 2- having a heart to heart with my D, talking to her about values. But I keep coming back around to the fact that this is really the problem, my values on this issue don’t align with anyone else’s. So I guess I better shut up. But it sure doesn’t feel good.
I just have to throw this out there. $3,600 for a wedding cake.
While I don’t think you can tell them that spending that money is ridiculous or necessarily attach it to “values” (I can see people taking that blanket statement as offensive) , I think it’s ok to say to your daughter “ I know there are SO many decisions to make with a wedding and some of them very expensive decisions! I want you to know that all that matters to me is seeing you and your partner together - I have no/few expectations on the frills. I’ll be there just focused on you!”
If she/they ask for more input from you you can give it - but respectfully knowing that they may take or leave your advice.
It can get pretty crazy. But holy cow, I never envisioned a wedding cake costing $3600!
I understand your feelings. I think it would be fair to say things seem pretty pricey… and costs inevitably increase as more stuff and fees/tips get added. It will probably take some time to think through how you express your opinions. And obviously it would be fair to give your max-contribution.
I completely understand! My son’s wedding will cost way more than I would ever spend. And they are also doing thr bachelor/ette destination events, etc. I suppose fortunately for us, FDIL’s family is traditional, are far weathlier than us, and are paying for most of the wedding. The kids are spending a good bit themselves. They just asked us for the rehearsal dinner.
In the beginning when they were lamenting about costs, I tried to suggest the ways it could be chopped down and my son looked aghast. So I’ve kept my mouth shut and smiled. It’s their day. I did ask him what he thought the dinner would cost and he was hesitant to tell me a number. I told him we could go a bit higher and he looked relieved.
I am paying for the tux and dress/shoes for younger S and GF. I know she struggles earning $$$ and is trying hard to save where she can. I hope they get married and I’m pretty sure theirs will be a budget wedding. I mentioned to them that I think all weddings are beautiful regardless of the cost.
And I tell them to just be happy with planning the wedding THEY want. My only input is that I want them to include my aunt, and obviously my parents. Past that, I’m 100% fine with what they choose
Oh, I never thought “values” was a word that would attach any negative connotation to it, but now I understand how it could come across the wrong way! Thank you for pointing that out!!!
I also think it’s ok to say that you are uncomfortable personally with the immense amount of money being spent.
Maybe that’s something you keep to yourself but it’s ok to admit that.
My husband and I were personally uncomfortable with aspects of our child’s wedding. Our family understands but we never said a word to our child. They are happy with it.
First of all, I agree that $3,600 for a cake is insane. But if I were you the only thing I would do is confirm to the couple that you will pay the agreed upon amount and let them know that you cannot go above that amount regardless of the choices they make regarding their wedding.
I just listened to a podcast regarding couple/money, and they touched upon upcoming wedding several times. The groom has HUGE income (like $25k/month), and they have the costs saved. Original budget was $20k, and he was unsurprised that it had crept up to $30k. (I was expecting higher). Just a reminder that initial budget often gets exceeded.
I was recently at a wedding — and there were some things “missing.” I suspect the bride did most of the work and her mom may not have noticed these details. (I really wonder if mistakes were made in the club kitchen.)
110 people in a private club
2 passed appetizers and 1 meatball chafing dish; open bar
(No champagne; no glasses) for the toasts.
No bread, no rolls, no butter.
Buffet — but guests were to take salad plates and entree plates at the same time — and the round tables really didn’t have room for all the plates. (DD2 suggested it would have worked better with plated salads, so those at tables could enjoy salads while waiting to go for entrees).
Eventhough the trays/chafing dishes were full, our portions were cold. The proteins (salmon and pork) were sliced at the station and the portions were very small. I’d be surprised if I had 2 oz.
I saw a small cake in the buffet room. I suspected there was a sheet cake in the kitchen. No one (I asked) got a slice of cake (nor any other dessert). They cut the cake (I saw it in the video)!
I’m afraid you’ll all think I’m rude if I tell you about the party favors.
I’m social friends with someone who is a member of that club (but not in the same circle as the wedding families — who were sponsored for the event). She was quite surprised to hear these things were not well handled. This private club has a 10 year waiting list to join.
(Slinking out of the room now…. I don’t know what the budget was, I understand skipping the champagne if needed…but no dessert and no coffee?) The wedding was at 4:30 and the reception ended at 10:00. All at the same venue.
Wow. I think that’s something we all dread, something being noticeably wrong or short-cutted. If you choose to try to cut costs somewhere, you have to be really careful in what you choose!
The other concern I have is, you spend all this money, going all out, and something goes wrong, like the chef quits the night before. No matter how careful you are, things inevitably go wrong , it’s just a question of what and how bad. That’s one of the reasons why I don’t like the “dream wedding” idea.
if you can afford and are comfortable with the amount you have agreed to contribute, I would do that and keep my opinion to myself. You aren’t going to change minds by getting on a high horse. Agree that it is fine to say “I am myself uncomfortable with the conspicuous consumption so please don’t feel pressured to include every bell and whistle”
Often the B&G come down to earth at some point, but that’s up to them.
People have the wedding they can afford and if they have to leave some things out to do that, I’m fine with that. I have zero expectations other than watching two people get hitched. Everything else is extra.
Oh I’ve been talking to myself a lot lately. lol. And you are right. I am immensely pleased that my daughter has found the exact right person for her, and he comes from a lovely family.
Smile and nod. Focus on the marriage, not the wedding. Got it.
I’ll continue to shout this from the rooftops: The $200 wedding cake & cupcakes from Publix (delivered!) was the best hack my daughter found. They even did a tasting before ordering! There is no world where one needs to spend $3600 on a wedding cake unless your last name is Hilton or Kardashian.
I agree with others that if you’ve agreed to contribute an amount, write that check and stay silent about how it is spent.
My son and daughter-in-law had a vegetarian wedding and a brewery. This was a fun place, but it also cut down on some of the cost. Only beer was served instead of the wedding cake. The facility provided fall desserts like a warm blueberry crisp And I forget what else.
DIL wore a short wedding dress. She ordered it online and had it tailored. Her bridesmaids were asked where anything and dark green. My son asked his men to wear gray suits.
Daughter-in-law suggested they buy flowers and friends and family members could put them together on the tables. My son really wanted white roses and greenery, which looked really well on the tables and the beer barrels.
I think it comes down to making choices of what really
My single DD2 said “$3600 for a cake does not surprise me”. She has a long-time BF (their 6 year ‘anniversary’ is two days before DH and my wedding anniversary - we have been married now 46 years), and she has been thinking about weddings quite a long time. DD1 was married in 2017 - and we could see prices escalating even back then. Covid and after, it went bonkers.
Essentially, the couple has to have their budget and make lots of decisions based on what they have for ‘essentials’ and what they have as part of the entire wedding experience.
We went to a wedding 3 years ago, very close friend’s DD. The parents (from distant state) didn’t even know what was being served for food - the wedding was in future SIL parents’ back yard (which was lovely) and reception at the Country Club semi-permanent tent just down the street. The wedding and reception/dance were all very nice - and it was based on what the bride and groom wanted to spend on. There was no wedding cake - they had some delicious cookies and a chocolate fountain with fruit. The dinner was ‘pasta bar’ - so very basic spaghetti meal (meat sauce or no-meat sauce) and a basic salad bar. It was a meal. The bouquets the bridal party held were put in vases at their head table, and that was the flowers. They had the traditional dance with bride/father, etc. and then it went party dancing with a DJ and the young people all really enjoyed that.
My brother’s younger son had a wedding with 3 day events up at the Hudson Valley. My brother gave them money to pay for most of the events. The bride side didn’t pay anything. My nephew and the bride paid for anything over and above.
My brother’s older son just got engaged this weekend. My brother plans on giving them same amount of money, but it’s very likely that the bride side of family will also chip in quite a bit. They plan on having a one day event at a well known private club in NYC that they are members of. As members they most likely won’t need to pay a large rental fee for the facility. The wedding will be formal, but will not cost as much as the younger brother’s wedding. This new couple is trying to save some money to buy a house.
As parents, it is hard to align/impose our values on our grown kids. We all have our priorities when it comes to spending money. Maybe when the new couple look at all the costs, spending close to 4000 for a wedding cake is not necessary.
I gave both of my daughtered fixed $$ with few “asks” from me, and they were free to add to it if they wanted anything extra.
Also agree that some couples are looking to purchase their own home in the near future if they don’t own anything already.
Some parents might be able to help a couple with the down payment on a house - and many are not able to do so.
I have known two brides that were really eager to ‘have it all’ - my nephew’s bride wanted the wedding, a house, a baby all ‘right away’. Since I had radiation therapy for cancer, we were unable to attend the wedding, but they were able to get all 3 things done in short order (this was 2010). They were able to purchase a home in an area of the city (Des Moines) that gave a $10,000 ‘extra’ because they wanted to revitalize the neighborhood – and they continue to live in that home. They spent the money to update the kitchen; with friends and some construction help they added a dormer on the 2nd floor and expanded that area – they now have 4 children.
The friend’s DD with the backyard wedding I described – this DD kept bringing up for the parents to contribute to a house down payment and continued to get ‘No’ so after about 4 X asking, she ‘got the message’. The couple want to get into something above what they can afford, but they will figure it out. This gal also wanted a baby right away, and they had twins!
