We did let appropriate family member know about the situation and that we won’t be attending. We made it clear we are not looking for any changes to invite list but that we weren’t comfortable attending.
That’s what I would have done.
It’s what I call junior high mean girl behavior and I don’t put up with it.
And not just with my children. We’ve drawn lines in the sand when people have been excluded for reasons that seem petty.
@1214mom , Sorry to hear that you won’t be attending a family event because of this. Did you get any explanation on this when you declined?
@oldmom4896 , All the best to you. November is a long way off so hopefully you’ll feel much better by then!
Re the invitation to a cousin. This happened to one of our kids…one was invited…and the other seemingly wasn’t. The wedding couple goofed. I politely just asked if our second kid was supposed to have received an invitation…and he was…for some reason it wasn’t sent.
This couple had their invitations printed, addressed and mailed by a third party. They had to check everything…and it turned out our kid wasn’t the only one who hadn’t received an invite.
So awkward to have to ask!
Wedding families check those invite lists twice and thrice!
We did hear from someone - but didn’t ask for decision to be changed and didn’t change our decision.
A niece decided my bi-polar sister ‘might’ create drama if I was invited to the wedding, so I was not invited. If this niece had come to my DD’s wedding (sister was her godmother and did come) she would have seen ‘no drama’.
Very sad to exclude - one thing if there is a very limited guest list. But to have all first cousins except for the two from one aunt/uncle that is glaring rude IMHO.
Just have to move on.
Guest lists are tough. Even in the 80’s when I married, there were hard decisions that had to be made to keep the list manageable. No cousins , no children, no friends we hadn’t seen in awhile, etc. Every couple has their own parameters these days and more couples are paying more for their own weddings as well.
But, it can still hurt to not be invited , if you thought you or your child should have been.
@1214mom Are you still planning on sending a gift? I would be real tempted to send a gift from us but include my daughters name as having gone in on the gift (even if she didn’t/doesn’t want to contribute)
That being said, having just gone through a wedding and as someone with an extremely large family I understand guest lists and other issues. We invited all 29 first cousins and their spouses and any “serious” significant others. I couldn’t even consider picking and choosing so it was all or none. And having been through your scenario I can honestly say ONE more person would NOT have changed anything. You will always get more regrets than you think and if not, squeeze in one more chair. Ridiculous to exclude just one relative!!!
Also, I was very proud of the bride and groom. I offered to exclude all of our friends to include all family and they said NO WAY… “we will find other ways to cut costs before we exclude anyone”
Wow. That’s a lot of first cousins. My sons only have 4 younger first cousins, so it was easier for son to include them and only one of them had a significant other. His wife had many, many more aunts, uncles, and first cousins and didn’t invite any. They wanted a smaller wedding (around 110), more focused on immediate family, and close friends and paid for most of it themselves (with some help from both set of parents). The only main request I did make was to include all 4 first cousins or none. And the two aunts and one uncle on our side. I was happy they could fit them in .
My sister was never in question with not being invited and I did remind them that husband’s brother and sister needed to be included as well. The majority of guests were their friends, not family. Still lovely and joyous and what they wanted. So, some decisions may revolve around size of families, the couple’s wishes, size of the venue, who’s primarily paying , etc. It can get complicated and sometimes a friend or family member can get hurt in the process. Son and his wife were gracious in including family and a few parent friends on both sides. They were not trying to exclude people. It was just the reality that not everyone can be INCLUDED. Hugs to those that have felt excluded.
Yes we will absolutely send a gift, and hopefully celebrate with the couple when our family can all be included.
We understand these decisions are really hard.
Responses here have helped validate I’m not being overly sensitive.
My DH’s mom was the youngest gal of a family of 13 kids - and over 60 first cousins from that group alone along with DH’s dad’s family (my side had very few relatives in the US, but dad had a lot of business and family friends in my home town). My parents could afford the wedding DH and I had. We knew many of the cousins (and some aunts/uncles)wouldn’t come but they were invited. One of these uncle’s family (IDK if it was he or his wife) didn’t even show the adult son(s) living at home. We recently connected with one son, and he was shocked that their family was invited to a wedding so close to where they lived, and his parents didn’t let him/brothers know - they didn’t RSVP either. One uncle/aunt, their 5 children and oldest daughter’s fiancé didn’t RSVP and didn’t come to the wedding, but showed up at the reception, and said “we wanted to see about this wedding, as we have one coming up soon” - and their gift was a card with $20 (which in 1979 was extremely stingy for a big dinner and the festivities – they came too late to hit the open bar). Many/most on that side of the family didn’t RSVP (even the ones that came…) and we ‘guessed’. There was a stamped return envelope and card - how difficult is that? Thankfully we didn’t have to have an exact count, and there was room and food for all. It was an excellent wedding.
Weddings now - as already said, expensive, many parents have just a short list (if any friends) invited. DD and her fiancé had us with short list, and since the wedding was not in our town it was absolutely fine. When people away could not attend, they invited more local friends. It was an excellent wedding.
I grew up in a small town in the Midwest. Response cards weren’t really a thing.
I think sometimes (before the internet) people didn’t understand all the etiquette rules that are easy to google now.
It may be that their experience was different. Doesn’t make it right, just makes it different.
We once had a wedding that had response cards but they forgot to indicate who the response was coming from. So they gave up and just made an estimate. My bil and his then wife “forgot” to RSVP and just showed up. I guess it didn’t matter in the end because there was a snafu.
I personally would never show up if I hadn’t RSVPed. But my bil’s ex did that kind of all the time. Definitely don’t miss that about her. (Her daughter is getting married this fall, I’m positive she will be upset with people not RSVPing because it affects her. I hope lots of people don’t )
Once the RSVP date passed we followed up with the few who did not reply. Whoever invited the person followed up (us, kids future in-laws). With just a few calls we had an accurate count which was important since we had assigned tables at the dinner and we paid a per-person price.
We did the same. We only had a few who didn’t respond by the date (which we purposely made 10 days before we had to notify the venue).
I just checked our credit card’s annual statement… and almost had a heart attack when I saw that we spent a 5-digit amount on “restaurants” category last year! Then I realized that the wedding catering bill and all of our winery wine purchases were lumped into that category. No, we don’t spend $1,000 a month on eating out!
Even when I got married decades ago, we had RSVP cards and needed an accurate response. Only 75 people, but a sit down dinner, so no room for people just showing up out of the blue! A first cousin of mine(on my father’s side) called the night before the wedding, saying she and her husband and kids would like to come since they would be in town. My mother was not the most assertive person , so I was proud of her when I overheard her tell the cousin in no uncertain terms that she could not attend. This cousin grew up a couple of hours from me and I didn’t really even know her, so she was certainly not missed.
When I was in hs, we had a large group of friends most of whom lived on the same side of town (so we’d gone to elementary and jr high together) but only one hs so we added a few new friends to the group. One of the new guys got engaged to a girl from the other side of town (his side) so we weren’t friend with her and none of us were invited to his wedding. Not a big deal, but he did invite the parents of one girl in the group and their house had always been the hang out house. The parents but not the daughter!
The bride stopped by the flower shop to check on her order and commented to the parent (worked there) that they hadn’t received her RSVP. Friend’s mom responded “Oh, we don’t like to leave D home alone at night.” We were probably about 19 or 20 by then.
I will note that the marriage went the distance and when the husband had a stroke when in his 50s the wife took very good care of him so we all thought better of her. Only took us about 35 years.
That is so nervy! Also so rude - oh, they couldn’t ‘plan’ to attend the wedding, but then maybe second thoughts that they were in the area… Rude, nervy, and I can throw in a few more words like selfish and self centered.
When there is a stamped addressed envelope with a RSVP deadline, you don’t have to claim ignorance - it is just bad manners. I also will say ‘clannish’ - '‘we just don’t do things that way…’, and a hick attitude.
We looked who responded and who didn’t respond. MIL made some phone calls – all on that side of the family w/o RSVP.
Tacky, tacky, tacky is my final words.
With many young couples being the primary hosts now, and the electronic RSVP and indicating any dinner restrictions - it eliminates those kind of issues.
We only have had one couple send us their ‘save the date’ and wedding announcement/invitation on line. The ‘save the date’ was a good test run on this. Unfortunately, COVID had them cancel the larger event, and they decided to have their church wedding with only immediate relatives that lived close. They were going to have a one year celebration, but COVID continued.
Almost all wedding invites now have electronic RSVP.