<p>*The OP is also mad because her mother doesn’t want to let her study abroad in Budapest.
*</p>
<p>The fun/bad part about being an adult, is you get to decide what to do.
Many students work part time/full time- there are all kinds of ways to support yourself, and you have the advantage of not being beholden to expectations you don’t want to fulfill.</p>
<p>With rights, come responsibilities.</p>
<p>Want to travel- lots of cheap ways to do so, just ask my 19 year old daughter ;)</p>
<p>Daughter had to make a “choice” similar to OP. She lived in our house, ate our food, used everything of ours, laundry detergent, toilet paper … Yet she ddidn’t want to share our values or follow our rules. Unless our values/rules are illegal or harmful, it is our right to set the rules in our house such as being responsible, respectful, caring and honest.</p>
<p>We talked to her many times for a long time and finally told her she had to either live by our rules or be on her own so she can live the way she wants. She “chose” to move out. We helped her find a place to live, paid for rent for several months hoping she can save some money, made sure she is settled into her job (she has been fired from previous jobs) and strongly encouraged her to attend a community college part time (flunked out of high school).</p>
<p>Fast forward to a year later, she has moved a couple times since cheap housing is usually unstable, fired from her job for being late several times and yelled at “unreasonable” manager, found another job again, always in shortage of money. Now that reality of life has set in, she said to me multiple times that life was so much easier when we provided for her and took care of so much for her. She sure didn’t think so at the time.</p>
<p>OP, you are 21. Here is reality of life. Your options are
<p>The OP is not very clear to me. In the first post, it sounds like parental units are upset because he won’t speak to these relatives: </p>
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<p>In the next post, it sounds like its more than just not speaking to them: </p>
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<p>Either way, it sounds like there are some jerk relatives (abuse is an over used word-- if it’s abuse, tell us about it, this is an anonymous forum). They don’t live with you. Seriously, how often do you have to interact with them? </p>
<p>While it might be incredibly frustrating to have to suck it up, it is probably worth it to do so, to get to still live at home until you can get on your own. Yeah it may not seem fair but such is power. Your parents are not being very nice, but they also do not have an obligation to take care of you at this age. And you have a right to respond how you want; and they have the discretion to say what their reaction will be. You can only control/choose your own course of action here. This is what adults sometimes have to do. On the job, at school, in the community. You pick your battles and react depending upon how much it will hurt or help you to do so.</p>
<p>WE could tell you what your want to hear…that you don’t have to communicate with relatives that you don’t like…but how would that change the situation with your mom?</p>
<p>I don’t think a mom should be asking/making a 21 year old to be friendly with any particular person(s), but your mom is your mom. My words aren’t going to change her mind, are they?</p>
<p>So…there you have it. We could agree with you, but your mom’s opinion will be the same. We have no power over your mom. </p>
<p>Now, if we were to agree with you, AND if your mom were willing to read our posts and be open to changing her mind (based on our opinions) then…</p>
<p>Hey Mom, you’re being silly with your demands. Any forced friendliness that your son is made to exhibit towards those relatives is fake, so give up. This is ridiculous. As long as he’s not rude or contentious, then back off. Let your son finish his degree and move on with his life. You’re creating a situation where your son may never forgive you. Is that what you want??? You may end up with a son who will refuse to talk to YOU. Think about it. You may win this battle, but you may lose the war.</p>
<p>well honest to God, if my son had little to no respect for me and my husband who house him and feed him and pay his way, I would be talking about his moving on out too.</p>
<p>Somehow I think the not talking to your Mom’s relatives is the straw that broke the camel’s back. That things have been working toward a blow-up for some time.</p>
<p>Honestly if you really do have no respect for your mother, can barely talk to her, and she is holding a proverbial cleaver above your head, get out and try to do it on good terms so that someday, when you need and want your parents love, it might still be there.</p>
<p>Otherwise, try to change your attitude about your folks. Try to see the good in your situation and make the most of it. Get your Associate Degree and move on. If you are depending on your parents for money, then you will need to work even harder at getting along. If you just cannot see yourslef doing that, then it is only fair that you move out.</p>
<p>If you only have to <em>talk</em> to her relatives and be civil, why not do it? If her brother has harmed you in some way, you need to speak to her about it. If you don’t feel she will believe you or be on your side, then for your own mental health, maybe you should move out, get a job and work toward getting yourself through school. </p>
<p>As parents, it is not our DUTY to house our children forever or past the age of majority or even to pay for their education. It is a gift many of us are happy to give, and our children should understand the privilege that it is to receive it. Unfortunately sometimes you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone. (that goes for both you and your parents) I would advocate working hard to get along.</p>
<p>It’s hard to give advice without truly understanding your situation, OP. I can envision a number of different scenarios, but I’m not sure which one of them most closely resembles what’s going on in your home.</p>
<p>1.) Evil uncle comes over and says, “Hi Suzi, how’s it going?” You glare at him and refuse to reply, making every extended family occasion very uncomfortable for your parents.</p>
<p>If this is the situation, my advice would be that rather than disrupting your education and having to move and be completely financially responsible for yourself in the middle of college, you say, “Hi Uncle Joe. Big snowstorm, huh? Gosh, I’ve got to go finish up a paper for school now. Sorry I can’t chat. Bye.”</p>
<p>2.) Evil uncle comes over frequently and starts screaming that you’re a terrible person and your boyfriend’s religion is for scum and you’re a piece of trash. Your mother demands that you sit in the room, smile and listen to him rant.</p>
<p>In this case, the advice would be to find a way to get out of the situation so you won’t have to go through this any more. If this means getting a job, or transferring to a college out of town with a job and some level of FA, or moving in with a different relative, or if your mother would be willing to go to family therapy so you could explain what being in such a situation is doing to you with the support of a professional, I don’t think you’d be out of line to consider any of those alternatives. </p>
<p>3.) Evil uncle has actually been abusive toward you or other children in your family and no one has ever turned him in. Your mother is in denial and still thinks it would be good if you would kiss and hug him when he shows up.</p>
<p>My advice here would be to get to the safety of a shelter and think about turning him in. A situation like this is crazy-making and you shouldn’t be subjected to it. </p>
<p>Particularly if your situation is closer to scenarios #2 or #3, it might be a good idea to consider getting some training at your cc in a field that will offer you decent job options that will allow you to support yourself and to work your way through your next two years of college if necessary. Especially given the history of depression you mention, you need to make sure that if your relationship with your parents has a rocky patch, you can remain a full time student with health coverage through your school, or that you can work in a job that provides health benefits so you won’t be dependent on your parents’ health insurance. And if you are considering a change in your living arrangements, I hope you’ll continue to work with the therapist who helped you before to keep things on as even a keel as possible for yourself.</p>
<p>Actually, no matter what the scenario, the situation sounds extremely stressful. Do you think that talking to a counselor could help you sort out your feelings and find the best alternative for yourself?</p>
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<p>Excellent advice</p>
<p>I agree with umcp11’s advice, and I’m a parent. Most parents on cc are extremely supportive of their kids and would be their child’s best advocate. We can’t even imagine asking our kids to endure verbal abuse from anyone, so this doesn’t sound too familiar to many. But it does sound familiar to me.</p>
<p>You know, nobody can be ruder, more abusive and disrespectful to you than your own family, sadly to say. But it sounds like you need to find a way to endure this until you can be on your own. I suggest with your parents—be polite, distant, keep your room clean and do whatever chores they request, and be GONE–all the time. Keep yourself busy with school and work part time if you can. Save as much money as you can, for the time you can get out and move in with a roommate. They can’t treat you poorly if you are not there to interract. And they can’t cut you down if you are doing something productive.</p>
<p>With your uncles, say hello, be polite–now you’re busy, talking and doing something with someone else. Even if it is boring as crap, find someone else to be totally involved with when they are around. Be the adult, don’t let them suck you into their BS, prepare yourself ahead of time and don’t let them get to you. Make it a game, be classier than they are and the disparity between your behavior and theirs will make them look even worse. Avoid, avoid, if your mother is going to require you to endure this. Then you won’t have to move out before you are prepared, and you can take on the world and choose how or if you want to deal with your family again.</p>
<p>If you were a female people would probably be asking about the type of abuse you have received…so I guess that would be my question to you. However, if what you are referring to as abusive is not physical, than as a 21 year old you have the power to take control of the situation and deal with it as you like. If the people you are referring to have been emotionally abusive to you or to your parents, and you have witnessed this over the years than you must be finding it difficult to see as you are maturing. You should keep in mind that being an adult also means that there are times we shut out mouths for the sake of the other family members. If you only see these people a few times a year you may want to think about what you are about to do and really see if it is worth making such a stand.</p>
<p>I am sorry that some of the posts here sound unsympathetic. I am in my 50’s and am finally learning not to deal with relatives who are abusive, so I applaud you in some ways for drawing that line. </p>
<p>Does your uncle live with you?</p>
<p>Are you going to live at the university?</p>
<p>Is your depression enough under control that you could work while in school? Or even work and do school part-time?</p>
<p>I would suggest mediation with a therapist if you are not yet ready to move out. Do you have a therapist who could help you arrange this? This could be just your mother and you, and then extend out to other family members if useful. </p>
<p>If your are surrounded by irrational, negative or angry people, and relationships sour as a result, very often someone like you can get scapegoated. I believe you, and that the problem is not you. Do you have support from outside the family, someone to talk to?</p>
<p>The next step is figuring out how to get out of there. A room in a Y, a shared apartment through craiglist, any friends who need roommates, there are many ways to go. If you need help with this, again, I would see a therapist or life coach, since clearly you have no help or support at home.</p>
<p>This kind of thing can drag you down. I think maybe the real issue is that by insisting on your communication with these family members, your mother is sort of implying that the problem is you. It would be better if she could accept that the problem does not entirely, or maybe even a little bit, lie with you. But it seems like that is not going to happen.</p>
<p>Sometimes we draw a line in the sand for our dignity and self-respect. The actual catalyst for that, or trigger, might be something very trivial, but it comes time when we don’t want to “take it” anymore. It seems like that has happened to you. That is a good thing. </p>
<p>If you can achieve a smooth transition out (using therapy for mediation and planning housing, work and school) then you can go back from a position of strength and peace-make, in future years, if that is the appropriate thing to do.</p>
<p>Very often, we can peace-make when we ourselves are in a position of strength. You are not in a position of strength. Your mother should know that forcing a person to make peace is not really possible: it has to come from within you, and if your uncle really is not a nice person, then there is also no reason why it should ever have to come from you.</p>
<p>Eventually, for yourself, with growth, the anger and other feelings involved here will be in neutral, and not a problem. For now, take care of yourself and keep to your principles by finding a way to move out on your own. And make sure you have someone outside the family to talk to, preferably a therapist: doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you, just that you have some family stuff and life stuff to deal with.</p>
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No reasons for such a threat are ever “simple.” There’s a lot more going on, both with you and your parents, with you and her family, and with all the other actors in the drama. You have little respect for your parents as well? You think your parents don’t feel that? And aren’t hurt by that? Come on, you’re smarter than that.</p>
<p>Welcome to the real world. Do you believe that when you enter the working world, you won’t have managers for whom you have no respect? That you won’t have to work with some people who are dumber than dirt? That there won’t be times when idiot customers/patients/clients say inappropriate things to you, or complain to management and get you in trouble?</p>
<p>You will always find people with whom you have difficulties. One of the lessons that you need to learn as an adult is the art of compromise, of how to get along with difficult people in situations in which you cannot just get up and leave. Another lesson is that you cannot change anyone else; you can change yourself, your attitude and how you react to those people or to your mother’s demands. But you cannot change your mother, who apparently has a long history of putting family first, of which you are well aware. You can fight her, in which case it means leaving your living situation, or you can find ways to comply which don’t tear you apart. Unfortunately, those are your only two choices.</p>
<p>Of course, if the abuse you suffered at your relatives’ hand was illegal, you can report them. Just realize that this will, without doubt, force your mother’s hand and require you to move out.</p>
<p>Our son wasn’t disrespectful, he was talking to all our relatives, but did not get the reality of looking for a job. After some post-college down time and lethargy (turns out that if you sleep until 2:00, there’s not as much time to get your resume out there), we gave him two weeks to get a job (anything - in this economy, no one is too good to flip burgers) or get out.</p>
<p>He thought we were mean, crazy and unreasonable, but he did the math, got off his butt, and is now living at home (to save money) working full time in a job in his chosen field.</p>
<p>" Somehow I am thinking it was a truly bad idea to post this in the Parents forum. "</p>
<p>I’m your age, not a parent, and was the first person to answer.</p>
<p>I understand what your going through.
Same thing for me except my parents are super protective and I’m 20 years old going to college. I have a job, part time. I follow there rules and respect them. I try to be civil and have a good relationship with them but its not going so well. x.x</p>
<p>This thread is 4 years old…</p>