21 years old; parents threatening to toss me out for REALLY BAD REASONS

Parent Cafe
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<p>Long story.</p>

<p>I’m a 21-year-old student, am currently in the process of finishing up some stuff at a local community college and transferring to a four-year university to complete a bachelor’s degree in biology and then get my PhD in neurobiology.</p>

<p>I had a weird first two or three years of undergrad which were complicated by depression, but which is now treated, and I have a solid 3.3 GPA.</p>

<p>I also am not getting along with the old family so well lately.</p>

<p>Mom’s threatened to throw me out for the simple reason that there are three members of her family who I refuse to talk to - her brother and his family, whom I disowned a while ago - and she somehow thinks I should talk to them even though they’re abusive ignorant pricks. (She’s of the ‘family family uber alles’ type.) She’s no paragon of humanity herself, and neither is my father, although I actually can stand talking to them and even have some respect for them, although in the last several months they’ve whittled that down.</p>

<p>It would be much easier if Mom just let me not have to talk to them - I’m not interfering with her interaction with her family, and apparently they don’t like me either - but apparently, she’s not budging.</p>

<p>Thoughts? Suggestions? Absurd claims that I should put up with my mother’s crap no matter how abusive she gets which I will undoubtedly shout down with the force of a thousand tornados?</p>

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<p>Realizing that this IS the parents forum and most frequented by parents, I would like to invite both fellow students and their parents to give me advice so I get a balanced view of things.</p>

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<p>You are 21 years old and under no obligation to stay there if you don’t wish to follow your mothers wishes, just as your mother is under no obligation to let you stay there if you are unwilling to cooperate. Nothing you have said implies to me that she wants anything but civility from you, which isn’t too much to ask regardless of the circumstances when you are living in someone else’s house. </p>

<p>If it bothers you, be a grown up, get a job, and move out. Your are not a minor who is forced to bend to your mother’s will, however as long as you are living in her house you have to do as she says. The beauty of being 18+ is that you can leave instead. You can’t set the rules in any house but your own.</p>

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<p>I don’t think you’re going to like my answer…but here goes. I think you need to deal with the parent’s request. It’s not asking too much for you to be cordial to family members. You don’t have to see them daily…but what difference does it make if you are just cordial to them when you see them? Obviously this matters to your family. </p>

<p>I’ll tell you…my kids have to deal with going to neighborhood events and family events…and NO they don’t LOVE everyone there. BUT you know what…they go. I don’t think it’s asking too much and neither do they.</p>

<p>When you are done with college, have moved out of your parents’ home and are completely selfsupporting…then you can call the shots. Until them…a good compromise would be to be pleasant for the parents’ sake. In the end it will benefit everyone.</p>

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<p>Thanks for the quick replies.</p>

<p>She is getting civility, from my point of view, and there is some real nastiness in this part of the family; civility does not mean being a doormat, and I try my hardest to be as tactful as possible about it, but I do not beat around the bush about the fact that there are problems. I specifically mentioned that there was a certain amount of abuse. Not every family situation is the same, and I am of the firm belief that in this situation, just sitting back and taking it isn’t going to do anyone any good. Not me, not Mom, not anyone else.</p>

<p>Onto the business of getting out, though: so realistically, the moment one is kicked out, if one has made no preparation beforehand (if it comes by surprise), what does one do?</p>

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<p>One plays by the rules long enough to line up the resources needed to bail out.</p>

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<p>One reconsiders whether the “matter of principle” for which one was kicked out is so very important anymore.</p>

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<p>Dad<em>of</em>3, can you go in depth a little bit? I said, specifically, what does one do if one cannot prepare beforehand (i.e. one is suddenly tossed out or it happens in too short a time to amass resources).</p>

<p>midwesterner, can you explain a little?</p>

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<p>Line up a job, line up housing, pack up and move. And until you’re ready to move out, be civil.</p>

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<p>Somehow I am thinking it was a truly bad idea to post this in the Parents forum.</p>

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<p>Why, because you aren’t getting the answer you want?
You are 21, it is time to act like a grown up. If you don’t like the rules, move. If you don’t want to move, follow the rules.</p>

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<p>Have you been paying rent to your mother? </p>

<p>If not, you are a guest. It sounds like you’ve overstayed your welcome.</p>

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<p>If the three family members have done something unconscionable, file a police report. We’ll back you up. And I have to say, if the “abusive ignorant prick” was your husband, I’d be more sympathetic toward your plight. But this person is what, your uncle? And your mom is asking you to be polite, to keep peace in the family? I’m sorry you are having to deal with this, but I think you can handle it.</p>

<p>If those members of your family are annoying to you, it looks like you are being asked to make a decision: either
civil behavior toward them and support from your mom/parents
or
lack of civility toward them and lack of support from your mom/parents</p>

<p>Sounds like it is your choice.</p>

<p>(If an adult is “kicked out with no notice,” he or she usually goes to stay with family or friends; the police will help you retrieve your personal property if this is necessary.)</p>

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<p>I moved out when I was 17, not because I wasn’t getting along with any one, but simply cause I wanted to live with my boyfriend.</p>

<p>I got a job and he encouraged me to continue with school, even though he was not a student himself ( he was a chef)
I was also * oh so grown up* and wanted to be on my own, big time.</p>

<p>( considering I still had room mates- I was on my own- but we lived in a gorgeous big house in the country- it * was the country , then*!) ;)</p>

<p>If people are being abusive to you, and that situation is not likely to change, it is in your own best interests to remove yourself from that situation ASAP.</p>

<p>Nothing will improve until a big component changes- and I wonder if you would have been able to manage your depression better under the circumstances if you had not been living in a stressful situation.</p>

<p>I hope you don’t want to estrange from your parents, and I am wondering if you are still getting some financial help possibly with college?</p>

<p>Even if you are not, it sounds like the best plan all the way around is to acknowledge your responsibility in taking your own life forward, and that would be to find a place & probably roommates etc. of your own choosing.</p>

<p>Things do change- we change- life changes us.
I had not been completely estranged from my brother and sister, but each of them have chosen paths that seem very different from mine. I was the oldest and I moved out when our father died- not feeling like I belonged there, as it seems you feel you do not.</p>

<p>I was frustrated and disappointed by my mother, she seemed to have different values than my own, she didn’t fit my image of " what a grandmother/mother should be", and while I tried to accept that she didn’t annoy my children as much as she did me, it also made me feel like they were traitors :p</p>

<p>But I was grateful , that they had , had a good relationship with her, even though we aren’t a storybook family, ( unless the story book is titled Roseanne ), when she died suddenly a week ago today, much too young.</p>

<p>During the past week, I have started to get to know my sister again, despite our cultural differences, life is too short to be close minded.</p>

<p>If your situation isn’t working, and it sounds like it isn’t - then move forward.</p>

<p>so realistically, the moment one is kicked out, if one has made no preparation beforehand (if it comes by surprise), what does one do?</p>

<p>Can’t speak to that- but this won’t be the case, you have had warning and have time to make plans.</p>

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<p>There is tension in many family situations, especially when there are different age groups living under the same roof. How about this one: make yourself scarce. My DH truly dislikes all the questions my mother asks him. He’d rather just be quiet, but mom is a chatty one. So what does he do? No, he’s not impolite. He simply answers “enough” to be civil, and then disappears.</p>

<p>I’m assuming, as a 21 yo, you have a car, or some sort of transportation. Use it. No one is making you stick around, are they? Find other activities outside the home (school, friends, job, volunteering somewhere). That way, you can even have “something” to talk about and be useful. What your mom may not really be keen about is watching you “use” the house like it’s a college dorm. Instead, make yourself useful around the house: cooking, laundry, cleaning.</p>

<p>So, you’re right. Here we all are, parents telling you all the stuff you really don’t want to hear in the first place. But, there you have it. Advice you asked for; now you just might start to use some of it.</p>

16

<p>Student here.</p>

<p>I think the posters have been pretty harsh thus far considering that they are unaware to what extent the brother and family members have harmed you or someone you know. Of course, you didn’t give them much to work with in terms of info (I assume it’s quite private), so I suppose it could be expected that they took a skeptical stance.</p>

<p>Here is an example situation. My friend’s father is an emotionally abusive jerk (we’re talking for real here parents - he has inflicted some serious psychological damage). I believe the son despises him (who wouldn’t?), but son still relies on father to pay - entirely - for his mediocre private school education and still relies on father - entirely - to house him/feed him/etc. both during school and during breaks. He complains about his father and living with him constantly, and it hurts me as his friend to see him go through that, but when I don’t see any effort of autonomy made on my friend’s part (he hasn’t saved a lick of money for tuition, doesn’t pay his own rent, and he doesn’t even buy his own food!), I assume he has made a choice: he chose living with his father, over living on his own.</p>

<p>You can’t “take a stand” when you are so completely dependent. If you are living in your parents’ house, if you are eating their food, whatever, they own you. Nothing you can do will resonate with them - whatever stance you make, you will be seen as the “selfish brat”. </p>

<p>So you have to choose. What is more important to you? Their financial support? Or the principals you are standing up for? Or possibly even your health, if the abuse is directed towards you? </p>

<p>At 21 years old you’re certainly old enough to get a job, support yourself, etc. Would it be the wisest or easiest decision? Only you know. </p>

<p>If the abuse is harming someone, especially a minor, you need to contact the police or child protection services immediately. Otherwise, I think you’ve said your peace. What more can you do? Did the silent treatment ever work or get a point across when you were a kid? Well, it’s just going to look even more ridiculous now.</p>

<p>So option 1. Be polite long enough to make arrangements with friends or family for a place to live. If you really can’t think of anyone who can take you in, depending on what kinda abuse we’re talking about it/the severity of this situation, there are shelters for homeless youth in many city that you might be able to take advantage of. If that seems too extreme, then you need to start saving up so that you can stay in a hotel or browse Craigslist for short-term leasing options. You may need to quit school and work full time to pay rent and buy food. </p>

<p>Or option 2, which I endorse:</p>

<p>Grit and bear whatever upsets you for even longer, until you are able to complete your degree or save up enough money and move out and complete it at the same time. Without knowing your situation it seems to me that this is the best option. You might have to be strong to do it, but it seems to me like you are finally on your feet again academically after such success has been a long time coming, and it seems to me like stopping now would derail a lot of progress you have made (not kill it, but certainly derail it). If you can handle whatever is causing you emotional pain to talk to this guy, then do it, because being able to complete your degree and go on to grad school and become successful is going to pay off in the end. Do what is best for you - don’t let anyone dictate your life. And in this case, letting someone dictate your life would be allowing them to get to you so much that you were thrown out of your own house and jeopardized your degree and career over him. With a job and a steady income you will finally be independent, and then you will be free to talk/not talk to whoever you want, but in order to gain that power you first need to stand in the shadows</p>

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<p>I think the posters have been pretty harsh thus far considering that they are unaware to what extent the brother and family members have harmed you or someone you know.</p>

<p>An adult who is attending college, is assumed to be capable of notifying the correct legal authorities to handle the situation.
Since that wasn’t mentioned, it is reasonable to assume that the conflicts are not of the kind that require courts and police and lawyers.
In that case, the prudent response would be to remove yourself from the situation, before it escalates.</p>

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<p>The OP is also mad because her mother doesn’t want to let her study abroad in Budapest.
(see the post in the Study Abroad thread).</p>

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<p>And I also agree with a previous poster to get out of the house as much as you can (go study at a library or work longer hours if you have time), though that depends on whether or not the parents are the type to appreciate that or be annoyed by that (mine hate it and say I’m not fulfilling my daughterly responsibilities!). Do not argue, do not engage, concentrate on your saving up money, on your studies, etc. That is, if you chose the last option, and decided that whatever pain you’re going through is less than the benefit that you will get by staying. But since only you know the situation…</p>

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<p>i dont what your situation is exactly, but it sounds like you are going to a cc full time, which seems like would make it difficult to get a job and get enough hour to rent a room or something. i dont know if you are or arent being reasonable with disowning of that part of your family, but if your being civil i dont necessarily think that is grounds to kick you out since its not causing problems in the home, except your mother not approving.</p>