A day in the dysfunctional life...

Parent Cafe
21

OP- big hug. This sounds very tough on you.

One suggestion (courtesy of my therapist- completely different problem but I think a solution which might work for you)-- segregate (either mentally, or go the ATM and put actual dollar bills in an envelope to stash away- her suggestion was “put it with the cleaning supplies, nobody in the house EVER goes there” which is both true and hilarious) an amount of money which isn’t life alteringly huge, isn’t $3, but represents to you “what is my mental health worth today”. That’s your mental health fund.

Every time one of these incredibly stressful AND stupid AND crazy issues come up- with your spouse, your D, or anyone in your life you can’t just write off- take the cash out of your mental health fund and make that problem go away. No, this is not a permanent solution to your D’s independence or the lack thereof, or a solution to you feeling torn in many directions, or your H not seeing the issues the same way you are. You’ll deal with those things in due course.

But for now- don’t allow yourself to get rattled (especially after a long drive, watching someone you care about die, you not being at the top of your game emotionally) over stupid stuff which can be fixed with cash from your mental health fund.

What’s it for? The pizza delivery, even after you and your H decide you are going to eat less takeout this year for nutritional and health and financial reasons. The four pack of toilet paper from the local grocery store, even though you know you should have made time on Sunday to go to the big box store and buy a 36 pack so the rolls cost half as much but you had too much else going on. Replacing the sweater that shrunk in the wash because even though the tag says Dry Clean Only you didn’t have time to go to the dry cleaners because you had 40 other errands to run after work and they were in different directions. And you loved that sweater and are furious and upset that you ruined it by being in a hurry.

For now- during this stressful and fragile time in your life- you are going to use your mental health fund to make these problems go away, and you aren’t going to even think about the money once it’s spent, because that’s what it’s for. YOUR mental health.

It strikes me that your life right now is just like the 80/20 rule- 80% of the stressors in your life are due to stupid stuff which can be fixed with an infusion of cash. 20% of the stressors are huge and complicated and will take months of effort and help and therapy, and really- nobody can fix those except for the principals involved.

But take that humungous stack of problems that are causing so much grief (really- did you need to be scolded by your husband after spending the day on such a tragic errand?) and make them go away. For now. To be dealt with later.

Hugs to you. I think most of us have been there at one point or another, and you need to put on your own oxygen mask right now before you can help anyone else.

22

Seconding @blossom - and really appreciating the empathy and kindness blossom’s entire post offers.

23

Unless your “fairly safe” neighborhood is a lot more dangerous than you let on, you’re being paranoid. There’s no reason an adult can’t walk 6 blocks to a grocery store.

24

I would have let her walk, but I am biased because DD walks the equivalent of that to and from school each day. She has her phone, and I also have her carry one of those $15 “personal alarms” on a keychain.

25

Seriously @roethlisburger ? How is your comment helpful? And kudos to @blossom :slight_smile:

26

@blossom – thanks to your therapist for good practical advice.

27

@blossom thank you for your advice-it’s great! I appreciate it. @roethlisburger my husband agrees with you (thinks I’m too paranoid in general) but I don’t :slight_smile: She did walk-as my friend who is a therapist said, when (if) she returns to school 3000 miles away, I’ll have no idea what she’s doing at 8 pm.

28

During the most difficult times with one of our kids, I found a great deal of relief when I made decisions on my own and did not check in with H.

I know the general advice is parents need to be on the same page.

However, in my world, it was creating more stress. He did not relish discussing D’s problems or brainstorming solutions. We often disagreed re: what to do or what to say.

This was doubling the enormous stress and worry I was shouldering. I remember feeling like I was losing my resiliency and that concerned me a great deal.

So, I stopped having big heavy discussions with H about D. I stopped sharing my frustrations and worry with him. I stopped having WWYD conversations. I just made decisions, the best I could, and when I needed someone to talk to, I talked to a therapist on my own.

It’s my conclusion that H couldn’t handle the stress either and he was highly motivated to make his own stress and worry go away. He seemed relieved when he could get back to focusing on work and I was no longer a source of uncomfortable conversations and difficult decisions.

That’s just how it is. Could we have gone to couples therapy & gotten on the same page first? I guess, if he was dragged there. But really, there was no time as the months whizzed by senior year of HS and I was wondering if we were going to be driving her to college or buckling in for some difficult months/years with her living at home.

I remember a time when I thought it would be better if H took time off work and took D on a college visit for accepted students day. I broached the subject with H and got a wall of resistance.

I checked in with D’s therapist, who jumped at the idea. GREAT plan, she said. It will be less stressful for her to go with her dad vs you.

So, I told H that D’s therapist wants him to take her, not me. And, he readily agreed. No hint of resistance. No excuses about work.

Anyways, not saying your marriage is like mine. Just pointing out that sometimes the best path is making problems go away in the moment, like @blossom mental health fund. In my case, bypassing H helped more than it hurt.

Best to your family!

29

@Midwest67 that sounds familiar, when we went through a really rough patch with D1, DH was simply not helpful to me most of the time. One bickering conversation D1’s issue was my fault as I had not spotted it sooner :-w I did not keep secrets from him, but I, too, stopped asking for help with the little things as he was not helpful to me! I ended up having to handle his stress, too, and that did not help D1 or me.

30

Hugs to everyone who has dealt with the rough patches along the way…

31

Hang in there, everyone. After the rough patches, sometimes things really improve and leave the tough patches as memories instead of your daily reality. :wink:

32

@somemom

When we were in the thick of it, I stumbled across an article about women, their male partners, and what the article called Invisible Labor or Emotional Labor. It really hit home. I had never heard the term before, believe it or not.

But wow, did it ever resonate with me. So THAT’S what you call it. Now I know it has an actual name and no wonder I feel so burnt out.

33

As presented in the original post in this thread, the father should have driven his daughter to the store. Packing for a trip the next day could have waited. Spending time with one’s child during a difficult time is worth more than I can express in words. It’s about care, concern, and respect for the one in need.

I don’t view it as a trip to the store. I view it as an act of love.

34

Care, concern and respect need to be mutual in a family. The mom had a rough day. The dad was preoccupied. No one needs to drop everything for a sudden random request from another adult-as has been pointed out, there were plenty of alternatives, which ultimately were taken. Had it been an urgent matter, I am sure the parents would have addressed it. It was not, and the parents themselves are also coping with a great deal. Kindness and consideration by all parties, including rational and timely requests, will serve everyone best.

35

Sent you a PM.

36

Emsmom hope things are going OK. I would be concerned about DD getting fired for going to work late and giving up shifts. How do you deal with that? It is so difficult to figure out a workable plan for a kid that is not working or going to school, but is living with you. Good luck in figuring this all out. Parenting, especially adult kids that are not on a typical path, is not easy at all.