Quick background: DD is on medical leave from an ivy (not HYP) for anxiety and depression. She was supposed to return this month, but did not have her ducks in a row and now is supposed to return this coming fall. She has been through a couple of therapists, one intensive outpatient program and is currently enrolled in another intensive outpatient program. She works maybe one day a week and does not drive. The program tests for drugs and alcohol so she is not using either, as far as I know.
Last night I arrived home after a 7-hour drive. I had been visiting my best friend, whose husband is dying of cancer. It was a wrenching visit and I was drained physically and emotionally. After I had been home about 10 minutes, my daughter asked me to take her to the grocery store. I said something to the effect of I was sorry, but I was too tired and still had to unpack and that I would take her the next day. She then asked my husband who also said no (he was packing for a business trip he had today). She then said she was going to walk. I did not want this; the store is only about 6 blocks away but it was dark and although our neighborhood is fairly safe, we have a growing homeless population, and some are aggressive. I said I would order her an uber, but my husband had a fit because he thinks she spends too much on uber.
What would you have done? From my perspective my choices were:
I’d do uber – IF I felt the trip to the store was necessary. And then tell husband that now – when he’s heading out of town and you’re emotionally spent and physically tired – is not the time to discuss daughter’s spending habits.
PS Sorry for what you’re going through. Been there with my son. It’s a situation that’s hard on everyone. Another reason not to rock the boat, since you’ve got other major issues to deal with. Wishing you the best.
There isn’t a correct answer here. (but maybe a creative answer was already in your pantry)
But–
Drive. Not an option. You said no for a slew of good reasons. This wasn’t your problem.
Let her walk.-- She could have done this and she was willing to do so. You vetoed this because you worried about her safety. What did your H say? Would he have let her walk?
Uber–Even though your H may not like this for another set of reasons, this particular time was not for your D. She was willing to walk. From what you say the Uber was for YOUR piece of mind and not hers.
You left out the most obvious choice though of making her wait until morning which would have been my vote.
And should have been the vote of both you and H.
She didn’t need to go to the store especially with the option of going in the morning–instead you and H are in a battle–that’s not the way it should work. The real problem is you’re on pins and needles with a D you love but don’t know how to handle emotionally. You and H get together first. You can change tactics as situations change but stick together.
I would have driven her ( I did not have a husband I could negotiate with; in fact he is no longer my husband!). Or I would have let her walk.
I don’t know what kind of neighborhood you are in but as long as other people are around and it’s not too late, I walk by tons of homeless folks all the time. In fact, I talk with them and when I moved I bought everyone a granola bar. In some parts of the country the homeless are more psychotic and less friendly, so it depends.
I’ve been there times three and don’t get me wrong, there is still a huge regret in my heart for one day when I had gotten back and was tired (and I was sick) and my son needed me to pick him up and I didn’t. Long story so won’t go into details. But how will you feel when you look back on this?
For a young person stuck at home, dealing with a lot, working hard at it, robbed of autonomy and in some sense her life, I think the ability to go to the grocery store when she wants is a small thing.
Is your daughter aware of the situation with your trip? If you said no was it apologetic and with full explanation? It is okay to ask for her empathy, for sure, but I would also have empathy for her- not that you don’t.
ps control over food and eating is essential for many young women’s mental health. On the other hand if she wanted cake mix or something, it could wait. So there are a lot of variables here.
If your H cared about the $, why didn’t he drive her?If it is only 6 blocks and she is just picking up groceries, how long could the trip take?
In this situation, I would have driven her myself–probably because I’m so used to being Taxi Mom. No way I would let her walk alone after dark, and if H refused, I would just do it. (If D often asked for rides when it could wait until the next day, that might make me less willing, though.) Another option might have been to offer to pack for your H while he drove her–then he wouldn’t feel like he wasn’t getting his packing done, and you wouldn’t have to leave the house again. Kind of a “lose/lose” but that’s parenthood at times. I take it that you both want your D to get her license?
I would have let her walk. She’s an adult. Seems odd to me that she even needed to ask permission for that. Are you concerned that she wasn’t really going to the market? If there are other trust issues, than that chances my answer.
She is an adult living with you for at least 8 more months. She can’t expect you to always be at her beck and call. This wasnt urgent; she could wait til the morning or get herself there. Good incentive to learn to drive.
It is not a good time to learn to drive for her. My D was learning to drive when she fell into depression. First thing her doctor said was to stop driving. It’s very dangerous for a depressed person to drive especially if she/he has suicidal thoughts.
I’m sorry your family is going through this.
I would ask her why she wants to go to the grocery store. If it’s not urgent, I would ask her to wait til next day. If there is a good reason that she must go to the grocery store urgently, I would drive her.
If it’s not urgent but she insists, then I would let her walk. I don’t like it, but that’s what I would do.
Is there a reason she couldn’t walk during the day? How does she get to/from her outpatient treatment? You have the right to take care of yourself too. If Uber offers YOU peace of mind, do it.
What did she need so desperately? If it really was something she needed, I’m sure you or your husband would have taken the trip but this doesn’t sound like it.
@ENsMom1 – None of this has to do with a grocery store. Or who drives who where.
It has to do with someone whom you love but don’t know how to deal with on a day to day basis.
A power struggle in so many respects. I suspect you know that.
It’s hard. And outside your “box”. You are not alone.
But it’s the little things that can tear your family apart faster than the big issues…
You and H need to make a plan together and get on the same page. Don’t argue about the small stuff. This is small stuff.
Maybe a therapist can draw up some good guidelines.
Thanks everyone. I was just dealing with the latest-DD arrived home and announced she had been fired. Apparently her new supervisor did not like the fact that she was chronically late and frequently gave her shifts away when she didn’t feel like working.
Let’s see-to answer some questions…DD didn’t have to ask permission to walk, I just voiced my objection to the idea. We have encouraged her to learn to drive (and paid for lessons) but I think she is fearful of driving in a big city with lots of traffic. I do believe she was going-well, went, since she ended up walking- to the grocery store. She comes and goes as she pleases so she would have no reason to lie. And I did suggest waiting until today, but she was having none of it. @gouf78 I think you’re right. It’s not about the grocery store and driving. Wow, this parenting thing isn’t for the faint of heart.
I’m sorry your daughter was fired, @Emsmom1. Two steps forward, one step back.
Here’s my thought about the grocery store incident: Daughter knows you don’t want her to walk and so she thought she was doing the right thing by waiting until you got home and asking you to drive her. (And maybe she actually missed you while you were gone. My children, both young adults, like spending time with me, even if in the car.)
She ended up walking, and I think that’s a good thing. She decided she needed to make hat adult decision and she did it.
You are trying to get her ready to return to college, when she’ll have to make those decisions all the time. It’s hard to do but you have to let her go. She may have learned that whatever it was wasn’t worth the trip in the dark and cold or she may have learned that she could get to the store and back on her own.