a different essay (yale supplemental essay)

<p>Describe which of your activities has been most meaningful and why.</p>

<p>Soccer
It’s been a long day; the morning choir rehearsal, soccer training after school. Combine that with a Specialist Mathematics test and you have the perfect recipe for a killer day. Yet I find myself in the garage, ignoring my body’s protests and the brain’s rationality. ‘That tackle from soccer training was pretty bad. Maybe you should rest tonight’, my brain suggests. ‘Shut up brain… you didn’t help me when I asked you for that calculus formula, I’m not listening to you’, and with that it is silenced. Another obstacle however, presents itself in the form of a man’s best friend. It gives me a cajoling look and I nearly give in, but as I am about to leash it and take it for a walk, I stop myself. “Mum will take you for a walk later, now go back to the garden”, and with that it makes its way to the garden, but not before giving me another pleading look. With a sigh I toss it a couple of its favourite treats and it hurries off, disappointment mitigated. Finally I can have the garage to myself. I pick up the soccer ball and start off with simple juggles. ‘One, two, three, four … seven … fifteen …’, but soon irrelevant thoughts interrupt the silent counting, ‘I wonder how I went on the test… question 8 … did I circle A or B?’. Disappointed at not being given my undivided attention, the ball decides that it prefers the feel of the cement to my foot. I give an apologetic kick and recommence the juggle. </p>

<p>I work up a good sweat doing – by which I mean foolishly attempting – tricks I’ve seen famous soccer players do. I attempt Zidane’s swan-like 360 spin for the tenth time and fall down on the hard cement for the tenth time; a duck trying to imitate a swan. ‘That bruise will be lovely in the morning. That’s what you get for ignoring me’, the ever-so-useful brain interrupts once more. I try Ronaldo’s ‘flip-flap’ and instead of flipping the ankle I flop to the cement. The dog comes in and nudges me sympathetically while I try to recover. It knows that like yesterday, and the day before, I have been beaten by the round, ruthless object, also known to others as the soccer ball. But all is not lost; after all, I didn’t fall down as hard as I did yesterday. I get up and while my body is aching with bruises I am strangely happy. I no longer care about that awful math test nor the fact that I have a ridiculous number of assignments due in a ridiculously short amount of time. In fact, I am eager to be seated by the desk, stuck in front of a calculus problem. Once again, soccer proves to be the best therapy.</p>

<p>i like the humor and dialogue.... very clever</p>

<p>This reads as:
"I am a perfectionist and I try too hard." Honestly, I hardly found this essay flattering. The dialogue between "you" and "your brain" doesn't come across very well. The way you describe your dog is very awkward...

[quote]
Another obstacle however, presents itself in the form of a man’s best friend. It gives me a cajoling look and I nearly give in, but as I am about to leash it and take it for a walk, I stop myself.

[/quote]

Why can't you just call it a dog? And a dog doesn't "present" itself as an obstacle... present implies intent.</p>

<p>Falling on the cement 10 times sounds painful to read and it doesn't help your essay. You sound almost masochistic. </p>

<p>The last 2 lines don't seem to jive with the rest of the essay. You say you no longer care about the calc test, yet you are eager to be stuck behind the desk working on a math problem? How is soccer thereputic for you? It sounds more painful than anything.</p>

<p>If this is an extra essay (i.e., not required) for Yale, I would nix sending it... it doesn't show anything particularily brilliant or really unique.</p>

<p>Hope my candor isn't too offensive.</p>

<p>i disagree with drownindreams. It's open, with a cheery, humorous touch.
I also think it answers the q quite well.</p>

<p>I like this essay very much. You are good writer. Also, your essay reveals things about you by showing, not telling, exactly what you want a college essay to do. I also think there is an imbedded metaphor about the "juggling" as you juggle the ball, you are also juggling many varied activities in your life. I liked this essay and it was not they typical boring one about why an activity means a lot to you. While you used the topic of soccer, the essay really told about YOU. I have a child who told a story within a soccer context as well but I did not see her essay as so much focusing on soccer itself but showing certain qualities about her personality and character. Same with your essay. </p>

<p>Susan</p>

<p>I like it. The part when you talk to your brain is creative..</p>

<p>It's funny but it doesn't say much. The dialogue is nice, but it's only there for entertainment's sake. I mean, did you really think "Shut up brain..."? I suggest you review some of the dialogue to make it a more believable conversation with your mind. Good luck!</p>

<p>I tell my brain to shut up at times..</p>

<p>you used tenth time twice close to ea. other... i would take out one of them</p>

<p>the repetition of "tenth time" was deliberate because i wanted to emphasies that i failed each and every time.</p>

<p>anwayz, thx all for feedback</p>