<p>a friend of mine came out to me tonight. i wasn’t surprised…at all, really…but he’s only told 3 people (myself included) so this is obviously a huge secret for him. i’m confident that i can keep his trust (no one here knows either of us, so i don’t think this counts!) and just wanted to get it off my chest. crazy to think that if this knowledge has any weight for me…it must have an infinitely more profound effect on him.</p>
<p>it really frustrates and angers me that he is so uncomfortable with himself for being gay–he even said he’s been in denial for years–simply because he knows that being different is so difficult in today’s world.</p>
<p>Being gay can be very, very difficult at times. It can also be wonderful, loving, empowering, and–most of all–normal. High schoolers live in very small worlds, even with the internet, and it is hard for young gay students, particularly those in rural and/or conservative areas, to have a clear vision of the larger possible world. As a friend, keep an open ear and an open mind, help him find gay friends or mentors, and encourage him to hang in there until college, when things do get better.</p>
<p>kristin, it’s wonderful that your friend felt comfortable enough to share this news with you. It’s a very difficult process for a teen to come out, and having supportive friends is so important. There’s an online organization which is run by a group of wonderful people whom I know, that can be very helpful for gay youth. If you think your friend may benefit from this kind of assistance, perhaps you could give him this link.</p>
<p>“it really frustrates and angers me that he is so uncomfortable with himself for being gay–he even said he’s been in denial for years–simply because he knows that being different is so difficult in today’s world.”</p>
<p>It is hard. I could not come out until junior year, and even then, there is always that worry of losing your same-sex friends (esp. in the case of males), family, etc.</p>
<p>One of the things I loved about my son’s public hs was that it was so open about things like this–a very supportive community. I’m not sure everyone felt comfortable “coming out” but lots of kids did.</p>
<p>Being gay is “different” enough to make life difficult in some places but not others. </p>
<p>I think it will be really important for your friend to choose a college where being gay is no big deal. Your friend might want to start a thread here on CC, giving his stats and interests, saying that he is gay, and asking for college suggestions. Of course, if he does this on one of the regular student forums, half of the responses will be sarcastic (“Brigham Young would be perfect for you.”). But here on the Parents Forum, he would be taken seriously.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, even though it’s frustrating for you, it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to encourage your friend to be more open about his sexuality. It could backfire. His parents and some friends (especially some male friends) might be less accepting than you are. He has to do this at his own pace, especially since he himself is still not entirely comfortable with his own sexual orientation.</p>
<p>I have a friend who didn’t come out until he was in his early 30s… he was that uncomfortable with it. And once he did – he was amazed how unfazed his family and friends were about it. </p>
<p>So give your friend a break and a big pat on the back: it’s HARD to admit you’re different. If your friend found a way to come out at 16 – he’s showing terrific maturity and courage. And he’s showing to you that he trusts and respects you by sharing something so intimate with you. So be a good friend back. Be supportive & loyal & just there for him if/when others prove to be less understanding.</p>
<p>you guys are GREAT–thanks for the suggestions and encouragement. though he and i are quite close, i was incredibly flattered that he trusts me enough to tell me something so personal. and it’s also pretty cool to now know that i don’t feel any differently about him now that i know for sure.</p>
<p>I’m close with some cousins who are 3 brothers to each other. When the youngest came out to his parents, he had already moved across the country to the gay-friendly city of San Francisco. He was in graduate school at Stanford U. He knew his dad wouldn’t accept it well. His mom joined PFLAG so she evolved.</p>
<p>The most interesting comment I heard was from his middle brother, “I’m so glad he came out. When we grew up, he was friendly, then for years he was edgy and nasty [being in the closet]. Now that he’s come out to everyone, he
spends his time and energy participating in gay community causes and events. He’s my nice brother again.”</p>
<p>So give him time, plenty of it. If he can come out at his own pace, step by step, his life will begin to make sense to him and probably he’ll become a more relaxed friend. Important decisions take time. </p>
<p>Ditto other posters: FInd a school where it’s no big deal to be gay. My cousin has a fantastic life, an international career, a lifelong devoted partner. Much of this is because he has been in an accepting environment since his early 20’s.</p>
<p>So I’d add, even more than “no big deal” he look over some schools where the political and community presence of gay community is expressed, in LGBTQ activities, coursework in Gender Studies or (this term is new to me) “Queer Studies.” He can learn at the college level what is the meaning for society of the developments he now sees as only personal.</p>
<p>…Unless NYU isn’t the right environment for him.</p>
<p>There are gay friendly schools that are urban and rural, small and large, liberal arts and engineering, east and west. It’s something that’s hard to judge as an outsider; the best way to gauge this type of information is by asking current students. He can feel free to email someone from the gay group at colleges that he’s interested in. These people generally respond promptly and, most importantly, honestly. </p>
<p>Looking into the extent of Gender Studies coursework, whether there is an LGBT center on campus, the presence of gender-neutral bathrooms, whether same sex couples are treated the same as heterosexual couples by administrators, whether harassment rules treat homophobic slurs and racial slurs in the same way, etc. are all helpful measures as well. Though you can generalize that rural schools in the south with large football/sports programs and an active greek scene are less accepting of gay students, if you cut out all of those individual characteristics from your school search you’ll miss out on some great colleges.</p>
<p>I know a couple gay teens who were comfortable coming out in high school, but it seems like a lot of kids need more time before they are ready to go public. One young man my D & I are acquainted with recently came out in his first semester away at college. D asked me if I had known that he was gay. I did not; neither did she. We are both happy for him that he feels comfortable enough to discuss it now, but we also understand why it took him so long. Even in today’s more accepting environment, coming out can be risky … emotionally, if not physically. Your friend is fortunate to have a caring friend in whom he can confide, knowing that you will honor his desire to take things at his own pace in terms of coming out.</p>
<p>kristin,
Last year, one of my S’s was in the position you are. A female friend stopped him on the staircase at school and “came out” to him. (They were both high school freshmen.) He was quite startled by this blunt admission in that type of setting, but he quickly composed himself and said to her, “That’s fine. It doesn’t make me change my opinion of you.” He came home and confided in me and asked if he had said the right thing under pressure. I reassured him that he had done a wonderful job, and I don’t even think he told his twin brother what had occurred. kristin, good for you for not changing your opinion of your friend based on this new knowledge!</p>
<p>I think it’s great that so many high schools sponsor gay straight alliance clubs. I hope yours has one! It’s great for gay students, friends of gay people and students who have gay parents or relatives.</p>