A Mother's Perspective on Mental Illness

1955 · August 24, 2007, 12:17pm

Im not quite sure why Im even posting this because I dont normally feel the need to post my thoughts in cyberspace. I guess I am hoping to shed some light regarding mental illness due to some of the recent threads on CC.

My daughter was diagnosed with a mental illness two years ago prior to going off to college. I consider us lucky that her diagnosis was made while she was still living at home. We were able to find a reputable psychiatrist and therapist who have been a tremendous support team. My daughter had suffered from depression since 7th grade and had seen 3 other therapists prior to the one that finally suggested that she see a psychiatrist.

When she was first diagnosed with a mental illness, I was in denial and threw the medication away. I did not think it was possible that the diagnosis was correct and the possible side effects from the medications scared me to death. I took her to the physician who ruled out all possible medical causes for depression. It was after my daughter had all these tests that she told me that if she committed suicide it would be my fault for not letting her take the medication. I consider myself one of the lucky parents because she actually told me this instead of the alternative. Medication literally saved my daughters life.

It took a good two years of trial and error to find the right combination of medications. The medication is not a panacea but it is first in the line of treatment. I believe the medication levels the playing field somewhat and brings my daughter almost to the level that everyone who does not have a mental illness is at; then the therapy helps her deal with other issues.

My daughter has had to restructure her expectations of herself, as have we, her parents. There have been times during the two years (when the medications stopped working) that she has been unable to literally get out of bed due to depression. My daughter was unable to attend college for one year while some of the medications were being adjusted. However; she has been very stable during the past six months and works and goes to school.

Mental illness is truly a debilitating disease. Our family has gone through the 5 stages of grieving: 1) Denial; 2) Anger; 3) Bargaining; 4) Depression; and 5) Acceptance (and not necessarily in that order!). We struggle to pay for the care that my daughter receives but we are one of the lucky ones because we can pay for it. Between the psychiatrist, therapist and medication, the costs run approximately $12,000 per year that is not covered by insurance.

I hope this post has served to give some insight into mental illness from a personal perspective. My daughter has shown tremendous strength in dealing with this illness and has given 150% of herself toward stability. I am extremely proud of her and filled with hope for her future.

system · August 24, 2007, 12:26pm

Thank-you for posting this, and I wish all the best in the future for your daughter and you. You should be very proud of her. My youngest sister is mentally ill, and I echo your comments about how debilitating and emotionally wrenching it is for the individual as well as the family. It is so very difficult to have/witness (in your child especially), the enormous difficulties of a chronic illness.

jasmom · August 24, 2007, 12:59pm

Please also remember that “mental illness” is just a physical illness that impacts mental functioning. Every year we learn more and more about the physical underpinnings. Fortunately medication, psychotherapy, and other interventions (including emotional support and excercise) can be effective at improving physical (and mental) functioning. I appreciate your posting. Now, if only we could have equity in terms of of insurance.

emeraldkity4 · August 24, 2007, 1:22pm

I agree that medication can be very helpful- it is also difficult because some of the illnesses present in the late teens-early twenties and it can be hard to differentiate between illness and “normal” transition difficulties.

It can also be very difficult to get an accurate diagnosis/treatment.
For example I was treated for bi-polar disorder for years, being so heavily medicated that I found it difficult to function normally. It was only after I began reading about what issues my kids were having, that I wondered if I possibly had ADD instead. As a result, I am off all medication except for something for ADD, ( which I resisted for years).
I have seen in my own family how behavior affects mood. My father for example was treated for bi-polar disorder unsuccessfully and resulted in his death in his early 40s. My mother has had several “psychotic breaks”- and is on many medications which may be affecting her ability to function- I don’t think she is helped by medication like Thorazine, but could be better helped by a cognitive therapy.

I suspect as we all have elements of Aspergers, that she is affected by it as well, although I wouldn’t characterize it as a mental illness. At this point though, it is hard to seperate what is learned behavior, what is caused by her medications and what is organic. I have tried to talk to her dr previously, but he was less than helpful, responding to me as he would a patient with silence and nods taking notes all the while.

In my experience, psychiatrists have the worst approaches to therapy, and MSWs, the best. The best combination would be a MSW who can prescribe, or who works in conjunction with a medical dr. Id also agree that nutrition and exercise can assist and improve brain functioning even to the point of not needing medication for some people.
The added benefit of nutrition and exercise is not only that it aids your mental functioning, but your physical wellbeing, so over all you are healthier. :)

dancersmom · August 24, 2007, 2:12pm

1955,

Thank you for your post. I imagine it was hard for you to write about your family’s experience. I am glad to hear that your D is currently doing well. It sounds like the combination of therapy and medication are exactly the ticket for your child. I agree with you that medication simply levels the playing field for people with depression. I hope that things continue to go well for your D. You are justifiably proud of her. I hope you are proud of yourself too. I know firsthand how difficult it is for a parent to watch her child struggle with mental illness. I hope the future brings good things for your D.

SBmom · August 24, 2007, 2:27pm

A close friend of mine has bipolar disease. She is nearly 50 now. Because she is brilliant and extremely high-functioning-- Ivy education and massive financial success-- and also because in the 1960’s nobody was really aware that kids could have bipolar disease, she was not diagnosed or medicated until her mid-thirties! She suffered enormously from 10 to 35.

And, though she is 100% compliant with meds and is very glad she has finally achieved a life of balance and health, she still feels a stigma about the label “bi polar.”

Looking at her family, it seems likely that her father also had the same affliction. When she told me her story, and it was harrowing, I felt so sad for her-- because of all that she had suffered, and how nobody helped her. (By the way she saw several psychiatrists and was once hospitalized as a teen, but the diagnosis was never made.)

My friend is delightful, brilliant, generous, creative, insightful, compassionate, hilarious, loving, hard-working, charming, fun – and mentally ill.

I think it is important to take these afflictions out of the closet because it is really too much to ask that someone with so much on their plate should also have to be hiding, or ashamed of, something that they did not cause.

Thanks, 1955, for posting. I wish you and your D all the best.

mstee · August 24, 2007, 3:03pm

Great post. My mother is mentally ill, will admit to bi-polar but not to schizophrenia, which she has also been diagonosed with. There is such a stigma still surrounding this problem. Which is why, I suppose, I have met very few people who will acknowledge that anyone in their family has anything like this. I know I can’t be the only one who has had to deal with this, but sometimes it seems like it. In fact, I can only think of three or four people that I know that can talk about this stuff at all. These issues are extremely difficult for many people to talk about.

And people who have never dealt with mental illness first hand do not understand what it is like in the least, in my experience.

1955 · August 24, 2007, 4:09pm

Thank you everyone for your kind wishes and thoughts and for sharing your experiences.

In describing her friend, SB Mom stated:

“My friend is delightful, brilliant, generous, creative, insightful, compassionate, hilarious, loving, hard-working, charming, fun – and mentally ill.”

SB Mom states so succinctly (thank you )that her friend is not defined by her illness but, rather, in addition to her many fine qualities, she also suffers from mental illness. In my own small way, I try to convey the same message to friends and family by stating that “D has __" or "D was diagnosed with _" instead of saying "D’s _.” Granted, it’s a fine distinction and just semantics but possibly we can make gradual changes through understanding and education to remove the stigma associated with mental illness.

Thanks again.

epistrophy · August 24, 2007, 4:30pm

In a similar vein, a new (and fascinating sounding) memoir has just been published by a woman, Elyn Saks, who is “an associate dean at the University of Southern California,” has “triple appointments as a professor of law, psychology and psychiatry,” is “one of the nations leading experts on mental-health law” - and is schizophrenic.

<a href=“http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20252201/site/newsweek/[/url]”>http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20252201/site/newsweek/</a>

(All of which also brings to mind Kay Redfield Jamison: professor of psychiatry at Johns Hopkins, one of the world’s leading authorities on bipolar illness - and, as she discusses in her brilliant memoir, An Unquiet Mind, someone whose understanding of this disorder has been deepened by her own experience, as she has it herself.)

BigAppleDaddy · August 24, 2007, 4:54pm

1955, have you begun any volunteer work in the mental health field? I ask this because of the experience of one of my nephews, who developed schizophrenia shortly after starting college (he never finished) and how his mom and dad responded to that heartbreak. of course they followed through will all the usual therapies, especailly medication, as well as family therapy. living with the mentally ill can destabilize an entire family if not handled well.

But the mom also became active in her community, joining the local mental health group, lecturing about her experiences, and talking to other families. it did not and could not cure her son, but it helped her immensely once she realized she could pass on some of her hard-won wisdom to other families and offer them some support.

your post here suggests that maybe you are beginning a similar journey. if so, i hope it brings you some comfort. god bless you and good luck with your daughter.

katliamom · August 24, 2007, 5:04pm

Thank you for sharing and best of luck to your D and your entire family.

And just to give you some comfort: I know two highly successful people (one an attorney, the other a Harvard PhD, widely published scholar/professor) who have been dealing with bipolar disorder since their teens. They’re on lithium and in therapy. Yes, they sometimes suffer, even quite a bit. Their families – spouses & kids – have to take into account their illness, and that’s not often easy.

But both of these people are also functioning members of society, highly successful in their fields, involved and understanding parents, and loyal friends. Here’s hoping your D eventually learns to live/cope with her illness just as my friends have.

corranged · August 24, 2007, 5:10pm

Good post–and good parenting.

I was shuffled around from therapist to therapist when I was young (I think 6 in a two month period, at one point). When my parents first confronted me about problems I had been having–and it was a confrontation–the first thing my mother said was that it was wrong to lie. She had assumed that I was making it up. I was ten. My first memories of my problems were when I was five. My parents had very little understanding of my struggles, and my father told me that I was a weak person. I was eleven (and in tears) at the time.

My parents did not consider the possibility of medication. Though I completely understand the reluctance to give a child such strong medication (in fact, it’s a reluctance that I very much support), my parents held to that belief despite psychologists suggesting medication and despite the fact that I was getting worse. Physicians and mental health professionals at the second best pediatrics hospital in the US (Boston Children’s) were strongly pushing my mother to admit me into an in-patient program, with a starting term of two months. My mother also said no to out-patient programs, and she said no to medication–all against physician recommendations.

I did get better, though. Today most people see me as being very emotionally balanced, generally happy, and not prone toward stress or depression or anything else. Obviously my parents’ approach worked, but I can’t help but think about whether it would have been a good idea to take more extreme action. I was against going into such a long in-patient program, and I said so when asked, but I was twelve at the time–of course I was against it. I was warned about the distinct possibility of developing schizophrenia while starting college, but thankfully I have remained pretty mentally and emotionally healthy. I think that there are underlying issues that affect me, but these issues don’t affect my emotions or everyday life, so I’ve let them go so far.

I am a proponent of non-medication whenever possible. I don’t like the idea of antibiotics for the flu or automatic Prozac for depression. (Of course, this is coming from someone who just questioned her own non-medication for mental illness and who was on daily antibiotics for six years!) I think that psychotherapy, behavioral therapy, talking therapy, psychoanalysis, or whatever else are good things to try before and in addition to medication. I am glad that your daughter is in therapy in addition to medication, and I am glad that you have been able to stand with her as a family during these times.

cheers · August 24, 2007, 8:57pm

1955, thank you for posting. I hope you will continue to post on threads regarding mental illness because to do so is a great educational service. Truly.

It is important to remember that the degrees of illness are enormous. My brother is severely ill. He is very high-functioning for the severity of his illness but the thought of him as a university professor or anything like that is ludicrous–and damaging.

Particularily for patients who struggle with grand delusions and psychotic mania, it’s important to take your overall ‘ambition’ dial down to an appropriate level–a level equivalent to say… “live, be happy”.

Also, as the neighbor to a house full of mentally challenged adults, I can attest to the marvels of proper psychiatric medication. It’s not a perfect world so the meds aren’t perfect–but they do provide a level of happiness and independence for the severely ill. In my experience, to live a somewhat happy life, severely ill patients rely on the brilliance and patience of their psychiatrists. Thank God there are enough interested medical students.

Faline2 · August 24, 2007, 10:42pm

1955, thank you for posting, and for the comments from those here who understand your difficult journey with your daughter. These illnesses can crush spirits and force everyone to redefine life’s core values. Your relationship with your daughter must have been very sound indeed because you were at her side while you all searched and searched for the treatment that could make a difference. She continued to talk to you throughout the worst of it.

I appreciate you sharing about your resistance to meds which is quite normal, and no doubt would be an issue for all of us in your shoes. However, as a humble MSW (thanks! for the positives emeraldkitty), I entirely agree with your experience that medication is the front line of treatment for many people who should not needlessly suffer with a biochemistry that talking cannot properly address. 
On the other hand, I think a combination of medication supervision/trial and error and talk hours with the right therapist can help families through big passages best.

I imagine your daughter is quite winsome and special, as are all our children. I hope that given time and the best circumstances, she can acheive personal fulfillment and that she can be loved and valued along the way by people who find her to be essential in their lives.

Dealing with depression is something we should all be talking to our young adult children about as so many will try to get through it with zero assists. When our adult children head off to college, I think we should talk to them about how to manage dark hours and how to recommend help for friends who are in distress.

poetsheart · August 25, 2007, 1:41am

We have a family history of clinical depression (on my father’s side). Looking back, I realize that my grandmother suffered tremendous periods of depression during her life, and that my father displayed a tendency to self-medicate with alcohol for many years. When he was a young adult, my father’s oldest brother was hospitalized for several months and underwent multiple electro-shock treatments (when they were administered much more crudely, and with a lot less understanding of the side-effects). I started having debilitating episodes of depression as a pre-teen, and continued to experience them through much of my adult life. Not much can match the feeling of utter hopelessness depression can deliver. For me, all medications tried prior to the SSRIs were largely intolerable, and the knowledge that I was causing my loved ones terrible anguish added tremendous guilt to to an already heavy burden. Oddly, since menopause, my mental health has improved greatly, with debilitating bouts of depression occurring less and less, however, my H’s antennae are always up and scanning for the slightest sign of relapse.

I count myself lucky, though. A first cousin on my mother’s side was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia at aged ten, and has been in and out of mental institutions virtually all his life. He’s been institutionalized now for the past 15 years, as he’s been determined to be a danger to both himself and others. Medications have had nominal effect.

This thread is timely because, my mother told me just yesterday that another cousin’s 13 yr old D has recently been diagnosed as bi-polar. It broke my heart to hear that. however, her parents are supportive and proactive, and so far, she is responding well to medication and therapy. They are a military family, so I believe her treatment is covered by the government health care plan.

As you can see, 1955, a LOT of families have first hand experience with mental illness, despite the fact that it’s not often talked about. But that, of course, needs to change. What needs to change too, is the lack of insurance coverage for non-pharmaceutical treatment.

I’m happy to hear that your D is receiving treatment. It’s also pretty obvious that she has wonderful, caring, pro-active parents in her corner. And that can make all the difference in the world.

1955 · August 25, 2007, 11:38am

WowI am really touched by all of your supportive comments and thank you for sharing your own experiences.

Corranged: My heart aches for the 10-year-old Corranged. As a parent, it is hard to know the right approach and actions to take in getting the proper medical care. It is difficult to acknowledge that there might be a problem with our child and to not feel guilty that we, as parents, did something wrong to make it happen. One of the hardest things is to let go and trust the professionals that we are paying to do what is best for our children. I struggle with that often and still, to this day, sometimes ask myself what if theyre wrong? The bottom line is that I see how the medication has helped my daughter and arrive at the conclusion that if there wasnt anything wrong, it wouldnt help her. Congratulations to you for forging your own path to happiness.

Faline2: Thanks for making me feel less guilty about throwing away the first medications :)

BigAppleDaddy: I have actually never thought about volunteering but you may have planted a seed I still feel as if I have a lot to learn and that it is definitely a learning process.

Poetsheart: Thank you for sharing your experiences with depression. I find it interesting that your depression has been relieved somewhat going through menopause when everything else seems to go haywire. Best of luck to your cousins 13-year-oldI think they are probably very lucky that they have found out at such a young age when the parents still have a lot of input in the care. When the child is 18 the parent is mostly out of the loop and is only good for their money :)

Cheers: I am sorry that your brother is severely ill and I do think it is important that people recognize that there are wide variations in the degrees of mental illness. However, as a parent, and at this time, I have to have hope for my daughters future because without hope, what else is there?

KatliaMom: Thanks for giving me hope!

PA_Mom · August 25, 2007, 3:05pm

1955 -A very smart women once told me that ,for her depression , therapy without meds was like asking her to dig herself out of a hole while it is crumbling around her. The meds were like throwing her a rope…she still had to do the work but at least she had a chance.

I also want to note that if the therapist does not seem to be helping, maybe it is not the right one. Sometimes it takes several tries to find the right person to help. It is a relationship in it’s own right and if the trust or respect is not there it may not work.

I will be happy when this topic can be discussed openly without shame or fear- I do believe that many people needlessly suffer in this situation and that makes me very sad.

“Get over it” is not always an answer.

deadgiveaway · August 25, 2007, 7:41pm

Your post is very refreshing to read. Thank you for sharing your experience - the mistakes, the sadness, the path toward success. I’m glad your daughter is doing well, and I think that she is not the only one who has shown tremendous strength in dealing with all this - you must have as well to have gotten to this positive point in your lives. :)

A Mother's Perspective on Mental Illness

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