A Must Read for Parents/Students: Lessons to be learned from tragedy

Parent Cafe
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<p>As a “European method” parent (although certainly we only had occasion to trot out his method quite rarely, as compared to perhaps its routine use in Europe) I have two comments:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>In my state, it is legal to serve alcohol to your own child in your own home. I agree with all who say that breaking the law is never ok, whatever your philosophy. </p></li>
<li><p>Had I read all of this thread prior to forming my philosophy, perhaps I would have done differently. I still see the merits of introducing wine and beer in the European way. I also now see a number of concerns.</p></li>
</ol>

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<p><a href=“New Kids on the Block Announce 30th Anniversary Concerts in Las Vegas – NBC4 Washington”>iPad Stolen? There’s an App for That! – NBC4 Washington;

<p>"RICHMOND, Va. – Virginia officials are getting tough on underage drinking in the state.</p>

<p>A senate committee on Friday approved legislation prohibiting adults from serving alcohol to minors who are guests in their homes.</p>

<p>However, the legislation does list some exceptions. A parent would be able to give their own kids a drink in their own home or to their children’s friends if a parent, guardian or spouse who is 21 or older accompanies them."</p>

<p>I was surprised when I first read this. It seems that in VA it’s currently legal to serve alcohol not only to your own minor children, but to other minor children as well. Maybe I’m reading this wrong. Although, I agree that parents should be able to allow their own children to drink alcohol in their home, I would never serve alcohol to their friends or allow their friends to drink in my home.</p>

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<p>coronax, I’m reading it that the “guest child’s” own parent needs to be there. But it’s not totally clear.</p>

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<p>Alumother. Bythegraceof, and Northstarmom – </p>

<p>Thank you so much for posting your kids’ stories. Especially on this forum, which overflows with stories of our kids’ successes, that kind of candor takes courage. It is also an invaluable wake up call for all of us. Bottom line: We all do our best as parents to give our kids the tools they need to make good life decisions. Despite our best efforts, however, some of the outcome is out of our hands.</p>

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<p>Mardad…thanks for the further notes on genetic predisposition.
NSM, may your eldest son be safe from harm and find his path to sober living with godspeed. If he is your son, we know he is special and has gifts to share with his generation. With Lucifer’s untimely death, I find myself “open” to hearing all points of view posted here, including ideas I would not have agreed with in the past and asking the “where did we go wrong” questions that plague parents and colleges.</p>

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<p>Dear Fellow Parents,</p>

<p>I followed your posts and shared your sorrows regarding the tragic death of the Cornell student and College Confidential poster who died of alcohol poisoning over Spring break at UVA. </p>

<p>There was a comprehensive article in the April 14th edition of The Cornell Daily Sun about what Cornell is doing to educate students in the wake of this student’s untimely death. I feel this is very important article - they discuss the warning signs (Facebook posts, etc), and the fact that his family came forward about the reason for his death. This was a very brave move on the part of his family, and hopefully it could save some young lives. I also admire Cornell’s admimistration for addressing this, because it’s easy to dismiss it since it happened at another school. </p>

<p>It’s interesting to note that even his one of the upperclassmen in the fraternity he was pledging confronted him about his drinking habits and he ended up de-pledging.</p>

<p>I’ve cut and pasted the first few paragraphs below. The article is 3 pages long. </p>

<p>C.U. Grapples With Alcohol Issues
Gannett offers intervention advice for students
By Julie Geng
Sun News Editor</p>

<p>It has been nearly a month since the death of XXXXX
at the University of Virginia, but Cornell is still struggling to move
on without a student who was described by many as “brilliant,”
“caring,” “easy-going” and “very approachable.” In the wake of this
loss, even the University has taken its time to address alcoholism and
alcohol poisoning.</p>

<p>“At this moment, [the question is], ‘what could we have done?’” said
Sharon Dittman, associate director of community relations at Gannett
Health Services. “That’s what everyone is thinking.”</p>

<p>In the case of XXXXX, there is no easy answer to that question.</p>

<p>“When I read the news that XXXXX had died of alcohol overdose, I
was frankly not surprised,” said one brother from a fraternity that
XXXXX had tried to pledge earlier this semester. According to
him, XXXXX dropped out of pledging soon after several brothers
confronted him about his drinking habits.</p>

<p>Other warnings signs were present, ranging from a Facebook profile
laden with drinking references to his frequent boasts of a high
alcohol tolerance, signs XXXXX shared with many other
Cornellians.</p>

<p>But if the warning signs were all there, what could have been done and
what can be done to give students the help they need?</p>

<p>“It’s not something that just the faculty or staff can solve,” said
Kent L. Hubbell '67, the Robert W. and Elizabeth C. Staley Dean of
Students. “It takes the whole community. We all have to have the
wherewithal to deal with it.”</p>

<p>Judicial Administrator Mary Beth Grant law '88 said, “I am glad the
family disclosed the role of alcohol in the death. It allows for
healthy discussion so we can get something good out of this tragedy.”</p>

<p><a href=“http://media.www.cornellsun.com/media/storage/paper866/news/2006/04/14/News/C.u-Grapples.With.Alcohol.Issues-1852330.shtml?sourcedomain=www.cornellsun.com&MIIHost=media.collegepublisher.com[/url]”>http://media.www.cornellsun.com/media/storage/paper866/news/2006/04/14/News/C.u-Grapples.With.Alcohol.Issues-1852330.shtml?sourcedomain=www.cornellsun.com&MIIHost=media.collegepublisher.com&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>Tahoe, thank you for posting that link.</p>

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<p>Tahoe, thanks for posting. I had located the article about his memorial service at Cornell. Since “Lucifer” died when visiting UVa, I have felt great sadness for his parents and his friends. He had tremendous potential and he died too young without the time to rectify his life by getting medical and emotional help. I am glad to read that some of his contemporaries at Cornell confronted him with their concerns.</p>

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<p>The Daily Princetonian also had an article about Lucifer - this last Friday.</p>

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<p>I think that sad as it is that Lucifer died, it’s important for us to realize that ultimately a person’s decision about engaging in such destructive drinking behavior rests with themselves.</p>

<p>It seems that parents, friends, and the CC community all spoke out to Lucifer about the dangers of his actions. More than likely, his family also confronted him about the problem. He also had excellent substance abuse education at Cornell, and could quote that education. Still, he made the decision to keep drinking destructively.</p>

<p>There’s every evidence that he was alcoholic and was in denial of his problem. I can’t think of anything else that people could have done. Since he was grown, his parents couldn’t force him into treatment. Even if they had stopped paying for Cornell (and since his grades were strong, it may have been hard for them to justify forcing him to leave college), it’s unlikely that would have stopped his drinking. He’d probably just have found a place to live (He was bright, charming, and presumably employable) and continued his destructive habits outside of the view of friends and family.</p>

<p>Sometimes people with these kind of problems hit bottom and turn their lives around (and the bottom is where they decide to stop). Sometimes, the bottom is the bottom of a grave. </p>

<p>All we can do is make the best of this sad situation – by using it as a cautionary tale to other students.</p>

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<p>So true, Northstarmom.</p>

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<p>These stories are really scary, I’d like to think that nothing like this is going to happen to me and my friends when we go away to college because we aren’t really into drinking, but I know people change a lot too. Hopefully people will learn from these tragic stories.</p>

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<p>I recently read in the Cornell Sun and the Cavalier Daily that two University of Virginia students faced charges in May related to the investigation of Lucifer’s alcohol-related death. The charges were not directly tied as causal to his death but involved purchasing and providing alcohol to a minor and possession of alcohol when underage.</p>

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<p>They were lucky. They could have been charged with negligent homicide. </p>

<p>That is going to happen sooner or later at a university or two - it will be a big wakeup call.</p>

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<p>SOOZIE - and others - I am posting the following in response to your discusion a few pages back relating to the high school - police - parent discussion when kids are caught with alcohol in high school.</p>

<p>In Mass - ALL students who participate in MIAA sport programs have to sign a pledge which includes that they will NOT participate in the use of alcohol/drugs etc… during the athletic year - the students are well aware of the rules and the punishments - if they break this pledge - it is mandated by MIAA rules - not just up to the school they go to…as the policy states - the schools have the right to include even more stringent rules - which many schools have - especially even being in the known presence of these substances is considered breaking this rule - Our high school has included this on top of what the MIAA demands - it is fairly effective - when it works - they aren’t always caught tho.</p>

<p>MIAA POLICY
STUDENT ELIGIBILITY: CHEMICAL HEALTH/ALCOHOL/DRUGS/TOBACCO
During the season of practice or play, a student shall not, regardless of the quantity, use, consume, possess, buy/sell, or give away any beverage containing alcohol; any tobacco product; marijuana; steroids; or any controlled substance. This policy includes products such as “NA or near beer”. It is not a violation for a student to be in possession of a legally defined drug specifically prescribed for the student’s own use by his/her doctor. This rule represents only a minimum standard upon which schools may develop more stringent requirements.
This MIAA statewide minimum standard is not intended to render “guilt by association”, e.g. many student athletes might be present at a party where only a few violate this standard.
If a student in violation of this rule is unable to participate in interscholastic sports due to injury, academics, or otherwise, the penalty will not take effect until that student is able to participate again.</p>

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<p>Our high school is going to begin a district-wide random drug and alcohol testing starting this fall. Athletes and all school-sanctioned extra-curriculars students only will be tested. If someone turns up positive the student is banned from the activity for 6 weeks and a call home to parents and possibly some counseling.</p>

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<p>Why only the ‘active’ kids getting tested? How is that fair?</p>

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<p>To get around the privacy issue.</p>

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<p>Our high school has done alcohol testing at proms and other school sanctioned things for the past couple of years - ya get a straw when you arrive - pass/you can go in - fail/your parents are called.</p>

<p>We have also had police drug dogs coming to our school for years - 2-3 times a year - there have been a couple of situations where parents have been called and a couple of kids arrested for having drugs on school property - but it seems to be fairly effective.</p>

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<p>Tookie - We have to be from the same school district…Far Northwest Harris County??</p>