A Must Read for Parents/Students: Lessons to be learned from tragedy

Northstarmom · March 23, 2006, 11:36am

“My D always told me that she was in the minority of students who don’t drink or use drugs at her VERY high achieving, small, affluent private school. I always commented that more kids probably talked about it than actually did it. I was wrong. Very wrong.”

I worked in the substance abuse prevention field in your state, indeed was a state expert. I also worked elsewhere for 5 years in the substance abuse treatment field, and was involved in the treatment of more than 1,000 alcoholics and their families.

Everything that I have read in the research and have seen is that contrary to what most people think, teen alcohol and drug use is MORE prevalent in the type of schools and communities that you describe than it is in, for instance, areas with lots of low income African Americans.

I am very familiar with your upper middle class city as well as the predominantly black city that’s nearby and had done substance abuse prevention work in both areas. My impression is that when it came to college-bound teens, substance abuse (cocaine, alcohol) is probably more likely where you live, including in the private schools, than in the large city that’s a neighbor.

I am black and have acquaintances of all races. I have never met or heard of a college-bound kid with 2 black parents whose parents, for instance, held a keg party for them or thought it was OK if the high school student held a party in which the teens were allowed to drink.

Dancing, not drinking, is the focus of most black parties, even for adults (though the adults may drink at those parties).

I have never heard a college educated black person talk nostalgically about binge drinking in college or high school. Getting drunk enough to hug the toilet or pass out would be something embarassing (particularly for females, but also for males), not something to look back on as a good time.

I have heard, though college educated white people, including professionals, have such discussions, and they act as if that’s the norm for all students. It is not.

Illicit drug use also seems to be more prevalent among teens in high income areas. Why? The teens can afford the drugs. They also are more likely to be protected from the consequences of using or dealing drugs so aren’t as likely to be exposed to, for instance, homeless addicts, familiarity with whom would warn thoughtful teens from using.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention conducted a national survey of 10,904 high school students in grades 9-12. Following are the results of that survey, conducted in 1995.
Teen Lifetime Alcohol Use

OVERALL: 80.4% of students had at least one drink of alcohol during their lifetime.

RACE: White (81.7%) and Hispanic (82.9%) students were significantly more likely than black students (73.7%) to have had at least one drink of alcohol during their lifetime.

AGE: Students in grades 11 (83.2%) and 12 (85.5%) were significantly more likely than students in grade 9 (72.4%) to have had at least one drink of alcohol during their lifetime.

Teen Current Alcohol Use

OVERALL: 51.6% of students had had at least one drink of alcohol during the 30 days preceding the survey (i.e., current alcohol use).

RACE: White (54.1%) and Hispanic (54.7%) students were significantly more likely than black students (42.0%) to report current alcohol use.

AGE: Students in grades 11 (53.7%) and 12 (56.5%) were significantly more likely than students in grade 9 (45.6%) to report current alcohol use.

Teen Episodic Heavy Drinking

OVERALL: 32.6% of students had had five or more drinks of alcohol on at least one occasion during the 30 days preceding the survey (i.e., episodic heavy drinking).

GENDER: Males (36.2%) were significantly more likely than females (28.6%) to report episodic heavy drinking.

RACE: Whites (35.6%) and Hispanics (37.7%) were significantly more likely than blacks (18.8%) to report episodic heavy drinking.

AGE: The older the student, the more significantly likely to report episodic heavy drinking. Breakdown by age was: Grade 9 (24.5%); Grade 10 (30.3%); Grade 11 (34.9%); Grade 12 (39.0%).

White kids are more likely to drink and to use drugs than are black kids. Black kids are more likely to sell drugs, and this seems to be due to economic reasons – i.e. inability to find a legitimate job.

"The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention conducted a national survey of 10,904 high school students in grades 9-12. Following are the results of that survey, conducted in 1995.
Teen Lifetime Alcohol Use

OVERALL: 80.4% of students had at least one drink of alcohol during their lifetime.

RACE: White (81.7%) and Hispanic (82.9%) students were significantly more likely than black students (73.7%) to have had at least one drink of alcohol during their lifetime.

AGE: Students in grades 11 (83.2%) and 12 (85.5%) were significantly more likely than students in grade 9 (72.4%) to have had at least one drink of alcohol during their lifetime.

Teen Current Alcohol Use

OVERALL: 51.6% of students had had at least one drink of alcohol during the 30 days preceding the survey (i.e., current alcohol use).

RACE: White (54.1%) and Hispanic (54.7%) students were significantly more likely than black students (42.0%) to report current alcohol use.

AGE: Students in grades 11 (53.7%) and 12 (56.5%) were significantly more likely than students in grade 9 (45.6%) to report current alcohol use.

Teen Episodic Heavy Drinking

OVERALL: 32.6% of students had had five or more drinks of alcohol on at least one occasion during the 30 days preceding the survey (i.e., episodic heavy drinking).

GENDER: Males (36.2%) were significantly more likely than females (28.6%) to report episodic heavy drinking.

RACE: Whites (35.6%) and Hispanics (37.7%) were significantly more likely than blacks (18.8%) to report episodic heavy drinking.

AGE: The older the student, the more significantly likely to report episodic heavy drinking. Breakdown by age was: Grade 9 (24.5%); Grade 10 (30.3%); Grade 11 (34.9%); Grade 12 (39.0%)."

I know this rambles. I hope, though, that it opens some parents’ eyes to the fact that even if their kids go to a public or private school in a high income area, their kids and their classmates may be using drugs or binge drinking. Lucifer’s being a heavy drinker who went to an excellent high school and had professional parents was not an aberration.

unsoccer-mom · March 23, 2006, 11:46am

Alumother, you are so right! There is so much luck, grace, etc. involved in the raising of kids. We should all be humble and thankful each and every day.

emeraldkity4 · March 23, 2006, 11:53am

except that my D had asked me the previous weekend if she could attend the cast party for her HS musical where she knew alcohol was permitted
its illegal for adults to host underage drinkers as I am sure you know
my D also was in teh school musicals but we had them at local homes and parents were invited- it was actually pretty fun and a nice transition from the intensity of building up to the performances

no alcohol though-

I did have an IM conversation with my D last night- I had sent her the story about lucifer and since I knew Renn fayre ( 3 day party) was coming up, I just wanted to check in.
Mom- I am not in a sorority or a freshman who is away from home for the first time
I don’t really see massive intoxication anyway
Even on st patricks day
Ok fine- I believe her but I wasn’t just concerned about her- I was concerned about the high school students who might sneak in.

plus apparently the CSOs are enforcing policy more
even took away a bottle of champagne that the dean of student services gave to the student body president at her inauguration ( she was 21)- and as D says " It was good champagne too!"

But even though last year, she told me I could come to Renn Fayre her senior year- this year she says " Oh God no"
It wasnt that I wanted to go for the blotter acid pinatas- but the theme is " neverland" and they are supposed to have some amazing things- they dress up the outside of buildings- have operas in which the costumes are made out of glowsticks- 15 ft pinwheel gardens- human chess games- all kinds of amazing sights- plus I could always pass as an alum- :)

I was wondering when someone would bring that up NSM
I didn’t want to distract from the discussion about substances because I think that is very important- but as my D( younger D- POrtland where older D attends college- is not as diverse as Seattle) attends an innercity school and since the major cause of death of black men 24 and under isn’t alcohol, but homicide- I think the environment she is going to school in is different than one where there are big parties every weekend like in the suburban area where I went to school

soozievt · March 23, 2006, 12:05pm

Alumother, I do agree that no matter how hard parents may try to guide their kids, there is an element of luck for us as parents and we can’t control everything as to whether our kids will crash and burn or have accidents or do bad things.

As parents, we do need to set standards and limits but even for those of us who do, I recognize there is luck involved as to what our kids may still choose to do or what may befall them and parents are not necessarily to blame when their kids falter.

Alumother · March 23, 2006, 12:18pm

Sorry if anyone thought I was targeting them. I wasn’t. Just a general comment from my own experience.

SBmom · March 23, 2006, 12:23pm

NSM’s point about instant cigarette addiction is important. Nobody know who will be the biologically-likely addict of any substance until addiction is already underway.

MomofWildChild · March 23, 2006, 12:30pm

It’s just reality. Most high school kids experiment with alcohol. It happens whether or not the parents drink, whether or not parents allow parties in their home where alcohol is served, and whether or not parents and schools set limits. Frankly, rom the things I know and the stories I have heard, the fact that my kids drank some alcohol in high school is not a huge concern to me. At the elite prep school in our town (my son departed in 8th grade), last year’s seniors had a drug-buying co-op involving about 20 kids (all boys). They took turns making the monthly “buy” and then reselling. These are kids that are now at Princeton, MIT, Stanford et al. Letting your 18 year old have a few beers on the family vacation just doesn’t phase me that much. At my son’s 10th grade boarding school the kids were SELLING alcohol in the dorms. They kept vodka in Propel water bottles. These situations are NOT unique to my life and community.

butforthegraceof · March 23, 2006, 12:36pm

This message is for the parents of the kids to whom this would NEVER happen I was one of you. I have posted here many times, but have changed my screenname this time. Not for lack of courage, but to protect my own child’s privacy.

My child was one of those who was never a partier in high school. Never gave us cause to worry. Hangs out, then and now, with a great group. Not the risk takers. Not drinkers. My child was not raised to be a tee-totaler. My child was allowed to drink in the European way in our home, but was never so interested. After the initial excitement of being permitted to have a sip of wine faded off, my child didn’t even care to accept the offer of some wine at a special occasion dinner or whatever.

My child, like yours, is a top student. A focused student. Involved in wonderful activities outside of the classroom. An achiever. A great kid. Admired by all. But most importantly to me, one that would never get into trouble with alcohol and drugs. Of that I could be sure. AFter all, my child had chosen not to be part of any such scene throughout high school.

My child was happily ensconced in college in October of this year, when a phone call came to our home asking for my child by name. This call was from our local hospital and was to discuss an unpaid Emergency room bill. Because of privacy protections, it took a while for us to learn - from the hopsital billing dept and from our child - what this was all about.

My child’s “great group of kids, the non-partiers and non-risk takers, the non-drdinkers and non-druggers” apparently had their own special ritual for sending off each kid on their last night before college. The hospital bill was alla bout what happend on my own child’s last night. Yes, my child had been in the ER for alcohol poisoning. I don’t know the exact quanitty or form of alcohol my child drank that night. I beleive it was whiseky straight from the bottle. It doesn’t matter.

What matters it that for us parents of the Good Kids, the ones who never caused us worry, it doesn’t matter that they make the right choices 99.9% of the time. It only takes ONE bad choice. Alumother’s brave post is about a bad choice or two. And it is about being lucky. We were lucky too. Maybe there was a little more than luck involved. I had read about that teen girl who was not so lucky and died from one incident of alcohol poisoning. I forget her name. But her parents started a website to educate parents and teens. I had sent for the wallet-sized cards meant for teens to carry. It told the warning signs. Not to let friends “sleep it off.” I gave one to my child and to my child’s friends. Maybe they looked at them.

My child was not aware of what was happening that night. It was my child’s friends who knew to worry and to get my child to the ER. My child and I have have these friends to thank for us being among the lucky ones. My child knows that.

Even though I only learned of this harrowing incident two months after it occured, it sent me into a tailspin. The child I thought I knew to be immune was NOT immune. I never worried when my child was out for the evening. Now I worry.

It has been six months. There have been no repeats of this incident. I know my child drinks beer at college. I of course don’t know what else my child does there in the way of substances. But I wouldn’t know. I see no signs of trouble. But, then, I didn’t see any before.

All of this is to say that There But for the Grace of God, go I. Goes my child. Lucifer was different in many ways from my child. It doesn’t matter. We are not immune. Speak to your kids even if you think it oculdn’t happen to them. Make sure they know the wrning signs of alcohol poisoning. Make sure they know never to leave a friend to “sleep it off.” This is what you can do. It may be the only reason my child is alive today.

mom60 · March 23, 2006, 12:44pm

Alumother- As a mother I appreciate your honesty. I know lots of great parents whose kids have stumbled along the way. Your D was lucky. Some kids are not it doesn’t make them bad kids. And whether it is a routine of heavy drinking or a new experience there are risks. I worry about my kids everyday. We tell them everytime they go out what our views on drinking and drug use are and how dangerous it is to get in a car with someone who has been drinking. I hope they listen. Am I sure they always do, No.
My high school son’s good friends have turned into teens who drink every weekend if they get the chance. These are kids he had known since age 5. They aren’t bad kids. They are kids who are doing stupid things. And some of the parents are blind or chose to look the other way as long as they don’t drive. My son’s personality is one that likes things that are quick and highly stimulating. Alcohol and drug use for him would be a big mistake. He has told us that he has on occasion drank and that he likes it. But he also knows we don’t want him drinking and for the most part he does what we want. He is a pretty compliant kid. He also knows that people with ADD have a higher rate of drug and alcohol addiction.
What we have done is limited activities on the weekend that can lead to temptation. We don’t let him sleepover at other people’s houses on weekends. He hates that. But I know that it is an invitation to go party. We talk regularly with a few other parents who are on the same page. We set an alarm on our house when we go to bed that tells us if any doors or windows open to prevent late night breakouts. He had given up hanging on the weekend with several kids. The group he see’s regularly all have parents who keep better tabs on their kids.
When he goes off to college in a few years I know he will have to make some strong choices. I know that he will drink. I am naive if I think that he won’t. I hope and pray that he makes good decisions.

SBmom · March 23, 2006, 12:45pm

Let’s get back to the underlying cause of all this self-medication.

I mean, why is this escalating?

My HS was just like Ridgemont High-- beer and pot easily available-- but hard drugs and hard alcohol were unheard of. Very few kids were sexually active. No oral sex. Most kids did not get introduced to substances till 16, 17 except those with older siblings.

Now oral sex is de rigeur in JHS and hard alcohol and drugs penetrate to early HS and JHS…

This may be from left field, but I think it has something to do with the total lack of coming-of-age ritual in our society. With no formal ritual and no initiation ceremony, how do these kids define themselves as “adults”? They do those activities “forbidden” to young people: drink, take drugs and have sex. The media do not help, as adulthood is not generally defined in positive ways (such as wisdom, thoughtfulness, contribution.)

Though we are not religious, both my kids have done Bat & Bar Mitzvahs with full-tilt Hebrew, very traditional. I thought of it as a firewalk or an outward bound experience, as much as a religious ritual. It marked a passage in a very specific, significant way; it said: you are crossing over. It said, because you are crossing over, you need to increase your knowledge (symbolized by being able to participate in Hebrew prayer and to read from the Torah.) It provided a passage based on competence, tradition, knowledge, and mindfulness. I don’t know how much it has helped but I have heard both of them invoke it, for example-- “if I learned Hebrew, I can learn Chemistry.”

I think we have, as a society, gone seriously awry, providing very few formal ways for our kids to feel connected to becoming adults-- and what that means intrinsically-- besides getting all the forbidden goodies.

SBmom · March 23, 2006, 12:55pm

butforthegraceof:

Thank you for your post!!

jmmom · March 23, 2006, 1:02pm

<a href=“http://www.samspadyfoundation.org/[/url]”>http://www.samspadyfoundation.org/</a>

I saw Rick and Sally Spady on Dr Phil or some such myself. I ordered the wallet cards and gave a few out to my S, his friends, my niece. My thinking was that they might save someone else, never that they would need the saving. Thank you butforthegrace.

I didn’t even give out all of the cards. Still have a few in my drawer. Now I will give them all away post haste.

MomofWildChild · March 23, 2006, 1:05pm

“We set an alarm on our house when we go to bed that tells us if any doors or windows open to prevent late night breakouts”

Just a note on this… Wild Child learned on the internet how to defeat our alarm system with magnets. We THOUGHT the house was closed up and alarmed at night, but he was still gone!

soozievt · March 23, 2006, 1:15pm

ButfortheGraceOf…thank you for your honest post. That’s the thing…even with as much guidance as we give and even for kids who usually make good choices, they are all vulnerable to make even one bad choice. It is not the parents’ fault. I hope when a kid makes a bad choice and has come close to some awful consequences but has survived, that he/she takes from the close call and has a wake up call that he/she is not invincable and bad things happen to good kids too. It only take one mistake to have dire consequences.

butforthegraceof · March 23, 2006, 1:15pm

From ADad’s post #31: re drinking kids entrusting themselve to their friends who are:
<<1. drinking themselves, and lacking the judgment, experience and maturity to deal with a crisis situation;

<ol>
<li>utterly ignorant of how to assess or address alchohol-related (or drug-related) danger signs; and</li>
<li>frequently unwilling or fatally slow to seek help for fear of getting into trouble with the law, their school, or their families.>>
This is what we parents, we “immune” parents, need to face full on. This is somethiing we can address throught he SAM Spady card, etc. Look how entrenched in their culture is the “designated driver.” We may not be able to stop their foolish behavior fully. We can make the ignorance of warning signs, fear of taking action go away if we work hard at it.</li>
</ol>

mom60 · March 23, 2006, 1:15pm

MomofWildChild- thanks for the heads up. My son can be pretty resourceful when the prize is high.

Alumother · March 23, 2006, 1:41pm

butforthegraceofgod - thank you.

SBMom - I wonder too. Since when did photos of puke you have generated become something you want to post on a personal website? I grew up in Northern California in 70s. Drugs were available and widely used. Animals, when given a chance, self-medicate.

What seems new to me, although I am no expert, is the binging and telling. The thinking it’s fun to throw up. The grossness for the sake of grossness. We always called it “experimenting” with drugs. Is this binge drinking an experiment? We were pushing the limits of “human consciousness”. What limits are they pushing? We have so few limits left in society these days, given the music on the radio about lollipops that are not made of high-fructose corn syrup…

I am not a socially or morally conservative person in any way - except around harm to others. I promise it’s almost impossible to shock me. In the privacy of one’s own home, if you harm no one, I will not judge you for any behavior. But violence shocks me. And, I suppose, now that I think of it, this binge drinking and public nakedness and puking in the hallways and urinating in the snow and on and on shocks me too. It feels like violence. Maybe it’s just the natural energy of a society to drive to breaking down limits. Maybe I am just getting old.

I’m reading I am Charlotte Simmons. Uggh. I read the board of U of Ariz because a good friend’s kid will be going there. Advises against certain dorms because the smell of vomit in the stairwells is too intense. Excuse me?

quiltguru · March 23, 2006, 1:55pm

Alumother, butforthegraceof, and all of you: Thank you for sharing your very personal and painful stories. The hardest part to accept is that s*** happens. Even if you’ve done everything in your power as a parent to keep it from happening, s*** happens. I, too, was one of those goody two shoes, holier-than-thou, never touched a drop in high school girls when I went to college. Within one month, I had my “come to Jesus” moment in which I drank 3.2% beer until I lost both my cookies and my memory. Fortunately, I had a friend who sat with me until I was done hurling and was awake talking coherently. I never did it again. If it could happen to me in 1975, it can happen to any kid. I know this. As I learned last weekend, I cannot stop my D from being exposed to alcohol. But I can prevent underage drinkers at my house and I can (hopefully) keep my ears open and my defenses down so my D feels she can tell me things…like the parents were going to serve alcohol at the cast party.

alwaysamom · March 23, 2006, 1:59pm

As I’m sure a lot of us have done this week, I spoke to my D at NYU last night about it. I asked if the issue of alcohol poisoning was discussed at orientation, and she said yes. At NYU, it is “drummed into our heads repeatedly” that if a friend is obviously drunk, blacking out, vomitting, etc. to immediately get an RA for assistance, and that there will be no questions asked, no repercussions. So, the kids there are not worried about getting into any kind of trouble if they seek the help that a friend needs.

My D who is at the Univ. of Toronto had the same response. They were given cards (similar to the Sam Spady cards) at orientation and the issue is reiterated at their regular dorm floor meetings with their RAs and Dons. Interestingly enough, she said that although, yes, kids drink at her school, she has yet to see anyone actually drunk. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen but it certainly doesn’t seem to be the problem that it is at U.S. colleges. I can’t help but wonder if the lower drinking age is part of the reason. Kids don’t feel the need to hide in their dorm rooms drinking shots as quickly as possible to get a buzz before going out. They can actually go out to a pub legally and spend time with friends, and even have a couple of beers legally with dinner while shooting pool, for example. The issue is a complex one.

interesteddad · March 23, 2006, 2:05pm

Northstarmom:

I’m not suggesting that anything would have helped Lucifer. He made it perfectly clear that exploring the limits of fatal alcohol abuse was an integral part of his life. If he had been a race car driver, they would be saying, “At least he died doing something he enjoyed.”

So, my interest is more for the colleges. It is clear that many (if not all) of the countries most selective colleges (including Cornell and UVa) have serious alcohol abuse problems. It is also clear that they are admitting hard core high school drunks. Not admitting high school drunks wouldn’t end abusive drinking on campus, but it would put a dent in it. Studies show a good chunk of the most abusive college drinkers began destructive drinking in high school. I would make two points:

a) Cornell would never admit a student who had gotten C’s in high school, because of concern that the student had not demonstrated the ability to handle college academics. So why would they admit a known high school drunk? Why is there not similar concern about the ability to handle college social life? It’s not like the seat would go unfilled – they have five times the applicants they need. These colleges have the opportunity to pick and choose. Why are they picking and choosing the drunks (and then not only tolerating, but promoting exclusive social clubs for drunks)?

b) If the colleges were to stop admitting high school drunks and make it clear they are doing so, it would send a clear message to high schoolers that there is penalty for being a drunk – i.e. not getting into a prestigious college. Would it save Lucifer? No, but it might same another type of high school kid from going down that road. As it stands now from their admissions departments and their endorsement of exclusive social clubs for drunks on campus, the message colleges are sending to high schools is almost like heavy drinking is something they look for in an admissions profile – or at least something they accept with a wink and a nod. When I read the number of great kids who get turned down at places like Cornell and Williams and then read that they have accepted students who they KNOW have been suspended for drinking incidents, I just have to scratch my head. Now, I’m not saying that a student couldn’t overcome such a suspension. But, lets not kid around…do you think there was any indication that Lucifer had reformed his behavior? I doubt very much, for example, that he had used his suspension as a springboard to being heavily involved in MADD or alcohol abuse prevention programs for teens.

A Must Read for Parents/Students: Lessons to be learned from tragedy

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