A Personal Problem: I need some parental guidance

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I need your help parents. I love my mom and dad dearly, but I have a problem with my father that has been bothering me for quite some time. </p>

<p>He is constantly making sexual comments in front of me because he thinks I don’t understand. He is very sarcastic and likes to joke around a lot, so he is always saying some kind of sexual joke to my mom. For example: My mom was telling a friend of hers how much she enjoyed the book ‘The Lovely Bones’, he heard this and said something along the lines of ‘Oh baby.’ </p>

<p>I cringe every time I hear these comments. He has told me that pretty soon, he and I will have to sit down and have “the talk”, but I am 16!!! “The talk” should have happened years ago. He should realize that I am young and curious and not at all naieve to his inappropriate behavior. </p>

<p>Tongiht I told my parents that I would be sleeping over at a friends house. He got all excited and asked my mom if it would be alright if it were ‘date night’. I know what ‘date night’ is and I really wish they would discuss this somewhere else. </p>

<p>My mom is much more conservative than him, and never says anything like this. She glances my way when he says these things, but I usually just look down, so I doubt she thinks anything of it. </p>

<p>Parents…what should I do? I can’t imagine myself talking to my parents about this, but I really need it to stop. It has been happening for probably 3 or 4 years now, and the older I get, the more I seem to catch on. It has become one of those things where I think: “When I am a parent, I will never make this mistake because I know how horrible it can make a child feel.”</p>

<p>Maybe I am just being immature about this and I should learn to handle it, but it feels like I am all alone in this situation. Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated.</p>

<p>P.S. Sorry if any of this is too…you know…for CC, but I just don’t know who else to ask :(.</p>

2

<p>When you’re a parent you can choose what you say to your children. If it makes you feel uncomfortable you need to tell your dad. You should feel free to discuss all this and more with your parents. He’s probably not as Naive as you think. He may just be looking for a response from you. It doesn’t mean you have to take on his “macho male” demeanor. Communication isn’t always easy with parents but I think they’ll respect your wishes if you present them in a mature manner (even if your dad is still acting like the adolescent)</p>

3

<p>Perhaps it would be easier to talk to your mom about it first. She may be just as embarassed as you.</p>

4

<p>You are not being immature. Your father is being immature. I agree with audiophile that it may be best to talk first with your mom about that Another option is to say something like, “Please stop making sexual innuendos. I find it embarassing” the next time that he makes that kind of comment.</p>

<p>I know it will be hard to say something like that, but my belief is that once confronted, he’ll stop. The practice you get handling this situation assertively also will serve you well in life when others do similar things in front of you. Unfortunately, there are lots of teens and adults who think that such comments are funny.</p>

<p>If you can’t tell him directly, write him and your mom a note.</p>

5

<p>As a parent, I find it hard to believe that your dad thinks you are oblivious to what he is talking about. Surely, he doesn’t believe that at the age of sixteen, you don’t know quite a bit about the “birds and the bees”. Maybe he is very uncomfortable about the thought of talking to you and tries to make jokes (inappropriate though they are!) in hopes that you will approach your mother to have her explain. I’m very sorry that this subject appears to be uncomfortable for all of you. You are not immature at all, but it sounds as if your father is acting immaturely. If you feel you can, the next time he says something inappropriate, try telling him you are uncomfortable with the remarks he makes. Quite possibly, he will try and cover with joking and laughter. If you take the sincere mature approach and tell him that you are not as naive as he makes you out to be, maybe he will be more serious and the three of you can sit and talk in a mature manner. If you are uncomfortable with talking to both of them, ask your mother if the two of you can sit someplace quiet and explain your concerns to her. Some parents are very uncomfortable speaking with their children about sex. I have always told our daughter that she can depend on me for accurate information and that anything she hears from friends may or may not be accurate. </p>

<p>If you are not comfortable saying anything to either of your parents, might I suggest you print out a copy of this thread? If you do not want them to know you have posted this, how 'bout doing as Northstarmom suggested and writing a note. A big hug and a pat on the back to you. You can do it, blythe!</p>

6

<p>I’m a 57 year old mom of an 18 year old son. My husband is 61. There is no reason your dad should talk that way in front of you to your mom, or to you. It is inappropriate and demeaning. And it trains you to accept this form of unacceptable behavior by male peers that you will meet and possibly date later in your life. Whether or not this is innocent or adolescent behavior by your dad or more, you need to take assertive steps to stop it, because it is damaging to your self concept.</p>

<p>First, discuss your feelings with your mother. Obviously, when your mother turns to you when your father makes these remarks, she too recognizes they are inappropriate. She may have lost the ability to speak out against them. Try to recruit her to stand with you to speak together with your father.</p>

<p>If that is not an option, you must take matters into your own hands. If your father, makes an inappropriate remark, tell him that the remark is inappropriate to make in front of a young lady and that you would like him to stop. If he does not, simply leave the room.</p>

<p>If his behavior continues, after several attempts on your part to get him to change, I would discuss this problem in confidence with a trusted adult (in your family, in your church, at your school). Behavior of this type that persists needs to be addressed.</p>

<p>Let’s hope that your new-found openness and assertiveness will change your dad’s ways. You are not immature or at fault in any way. Do not forget that. You must take control of your situation. While it is an annoyance now, and may be awkward and embarrassing to handle…your doing it now is critical to handling it later in your young adult life when you are living away from home as an independent woman at a time when your determination not to take this form of sexual abuse might protect your safety and save your very life. You may have heard this before, but I will repeat it loudly now: Learn to trust that little voice in your head. If it doesn’t feel right, it isn’t right. Listen to that voice each and every time. Even if the bad behavior comes from dear ole dad, it’s still bad behavior.</p>

<p>Please let us know how it works out for you. We care about you on this board.</p>

7

<p>If I were you, I’d take the offensive to him. If he wants to make you uncomfortable, take what he says and fire it right back at him - change the social dynamic. It’s almost like a baseball game - he’s throwing you pitches, you just need to hit them back instead of looking away. For instance, when your dad talks about “date night”, instead of looking away, say how great of an idea it is and how you think they should DEFINATELY have date night tonight. Make him feel awkward about it and he’ll stop very quickly.</p>

8

<p>I was initially disturbed because I thought you were going to say the comments were directed at you, and that would be a serious problem. Still a problem, but far less serious if the comments make you uncomfortable but are directed at your mother. I have 2 boys, and sometimes if I simply hug their mother in front of them we will be told (sarcastically) to “get a room.”</p>

9

<p>NJRes,
My boys sound like yours–exact same words! However, my boys are 19 and 22, so a little older than the poster. And my husband and I never make any kind of sexual remarks–or even anything hinting at that–in front of them. They have made it quite clear that they do NOT care to even think about the possibility that their parents take part in such activities. And I think that is quite common among teenagers and even older “kids.” Although intellectually they may know that their parents probably DO make love occasionally, they would prefer not to think about it. (And I admit to being the same way when I was a teenager.)</p>

10

<p>some people are just more um callous about their language.
It doesn’t seem to have anything to do with education- background etc- we have friends who are excessively educated- and often make statements that are way too much information :eek:
If I was their daughter I would go right through the floor- but frankly- when they have been saying those types of things for years- it will take concerted effort on their part to change their interaction and without motivation it isn’t ever going to happen.
I would suggest talking to your mom about how you feel- if she is uncomfortable with his explicit language she should say something.
When no one says anything- that implies approval.
I don’t really have any idea of what level of detail he is sharing- just getting excited about date night- may make you uncomfortable, but I don’t think it is too overt- and unless he is terribly disrespectful of your mother which he may be, I would just find a phrase that you say whenever he uses more sexual language than what you feel comfortable with.
Frankly- I think waiting till you are out of the house to have date night- is pretty restrained- if all couples waited for that- we wouldn’t have half the population we do!</p>

11

<p>"For example: My mom was telling a friend of hers how much she enjoyed the book ‘The Lovely Bones’, he heard this and said something along the lines of ‘Oh baby.’
"</p>

<p>I don’t get it. Must be something dirty in the book?? I thought the Lovely Bones was crime fiction??</p>

12

<p>

Uh, well… I actually think that’s a bit over the top. We’re talking about joking comments that are understandably embarrassing to a teenager, coming from her father, and which would probably make the rest of us a little non-plussed as well, but which is not particularly uncommon, and not necessarily unhealthy. The concept of sex between married people isn’t evil - it’s just really embarrassing for their kids to be reminded of (and nobody else’s business, which is why we generally prefer not to hear all about it, either.) I think a word to Mom is in order, but I wouldn’t blow the situation out of proportion.</p>

13

<p>It wasn’t so long ago that whole families slept in the same room together. “Oh baby!” would have been the least of a child’s exposure to the NATURAL sexual life of their parents.</p>

<p>It’s fine to tell your dad that his comments are embarrassing you. In this case, as he is NOT directing those commnets to you, sarcasm may be more appropriate than accusations of harassment; ie “Get a room!” or “Eeeewwww gross dad!” </p>

<p>The reality is that sex is a major part of adult life. Even old farts like parents. Just the other day, my 76 year old father was shivering out loud about the memory of my 71 year old mother in a sweater at her 1955 engagement party.</p>

14

<p>I like the Eww Gross Dad idea</p>

<p>Or say, something like, A Date Night? Where are you going? I heard about a great restaraunt!!! </p>

<p>Where did you go last date night? Sometimes being “dumb” and “cluesless” will work, and nosey!! So, mom, how what was the crime in this book? Ignore the comments</p>

<p>My H, the dear that he is, sometimes says dumb stuff, and I give him a look…as men get older, they sometimes try and appear young and sexy to their wives and forget their D’s “get” the jokes and puns, they don’t realize how smart you girls are and that you understnad those kinds of jokes</p>

<p>I agree with Cheers, dad, that is gross, get a room, ewww, you are acting like a 14 year old…</p>

<p>Hey, at least they call it “date night”</p>

<p>Nothing I read was too offensive, really, I mean, making a joke about a book title and a date night? Even the Brady Bunch had sexual inuendoes, watch it sometime</p>

<p>And so did Ozzy and Harriet, Lucy, and Gilligans Island</p>

<p>Dad is trying to be clever and it falls flat, you need to get a bit used to crudeness, and when he says something crude, just say, dad you are soooo crude…just keep saying that over and over, it will work</p>

<p>But his comments, if this is the worst, aren’t that bad, really</p>

15

<p>Okay, primary teacher here. Sarcasm is tried and true, so is eye-rolling (and both are on the violence continuum). Maybe a simple “I” message will do. "I feel (uncomfortable, embarrassed, grossed out, {insert emotion here}) when you (make sexual remarks in front of me {be specific}). I would like you to ({again, be specific} save it for when you and Mom are alone, stop it, cease and desist). Not a huge deal, not a DSS issue, just a young lady telling her Dad what her expectations are for his behavior in her presence.</p>