<p>So,</p>
<p>I’ve been admitted to several graduate programs. </p>
<p>One, UC Davis, is close to home, and would allow the wife and I to start a family.
Another, Madison, has admitted both the wife and I
and the Third, Harvard, is well, a stellar place to earn a PHD in chemical physics.</p>
<p>I have no idea what to do.</p>
<p>Serious meditation is in order.</p>
<p>Any advice on how to slim the pickin’s?</p>
<p>What does your wife say?</p>
<p>She smiles and tells me she’ll go wherever I want to end up.</p>
<p>Nice and endearing, I know, but it doesn’t help!</p>
<p>I think you have to first solidify your goals as a couple. You and your wife must be honest with each other.</p>
<p>Harvard seems like a no-brainer unless it puts a serious strain on your relationship – and no prestigious program is worth that. And since your wife has also been accepted to UWisc, another excellent place, that would be great fit as well. The only thing I question is UC Davis as a choice that allows you to start a family. You can do that anywhere. :)</p>
<p>The other thing you might want to consider is cost of living. Unless Madison has changed since my husband and I were considering a move there, it’s much, much cheaper in every respect than Boston/Cambridge.</p>
<p>If your wife is cool with it, you have to go to Harvard.</p>
<p>If Harvard didnt accept the wife as well than I would go to UW-Madison. I know that she says that she would be fine with it, but it would be a good thing that you both are able to complete your graduate studies. I agree with momwaitingfornew that you guys need to be honest with one another and figure out what is best for your family.</p>
<p>Seems like a nice pickle to be in - but I don’t know your personal situation. Congrats on getting in…</p>
<p>I know a couple who are around my age (late 40s, early 50s), and the wife still “blames” the husband for going to Boston for MIT and for not considering her plans seriously…but, on the other hand, they are married still. But she has a chronic complaint against the husband. Don’t know if this is just to blame him for her own problems or what. :(</p>
<p>The infamous two-body problem. I think you need to break your options up…</p>
<p>If you go to Harvard, will your wife follow you? If she does not, will you break up completely and can you handle that? If she does, will she resent you for preventing her from completing her graduate degree.</p>
<p>If you go to UC or Wisc, will you resent your wife for tying you down even though she meant well?</p>
<p>Finally…are you sure you would be able to handle having two graduate students in the same household? My SO can’t handle me talking about bio things…</p>
<p>Well if your wife went through the trouble of applying to at least one grad school then I would assume she wants to go to grad school too, even if she’s trying to compromise now. I would choose which ever one you both got into. </p>
<p>I don’t see why two grad students in the same household would be a big deal like a previous person stated. I live with my SO and we’re getting PhD’s in different fields and its never an issue…</p>
<p>thanks for the advice everyone.</p>
<p>My wife is working on her second Master’s degree right now, and honestly, I wasn’t very excited to hear that the wanted to return to school for yet another degree, as we’ve already sunk so much money and time into her education. She will willingly go wherever I decide to go, and she’ll support me she says. </p>
<p>My plans are to exist somewhere in academia for the rest of my life and I think Harvard allows the greatest opportunity for that to happen. </p>
<p>Re: 2 grad students in one house:</p>
<p>My wife speaks Bio, I speak Chem/Physics, but somehow we get along.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>That’s classic, she doesn’t want you to go to Harvard. My girlfriend says stuff like this too, what she actually means is:</p>
<p>“Going to Harvard for a PhD (or anything) is such an amazing opportunity but I feel guilty telling you not to do it. I want to get my PhD (or whatever degree), but I don’t want to hold you back. I want you to choose UW or UCDavis where we can both go because you feel it is the best place for YOU.”</p>
<p>Whatever you do, do not say that you want to go to Harvard but you will go to UW or UCDavis so that you can both be together. She will translate that as “I’ll turn it down because I’m married to you, if we weren’t married I’d go to Harvard.”, and feel guilty about it. (Unless you want to for some reason.)</p>
<p>If you decide to turn down Harvard she is going to ask why. Tell her that Harvard is Harvard, but it’s pointless to go if you don’t think the fit will be right. XYZ University is better for you and your goals.</p>
<p>If you have your heart set on Harvard, but can’t allow yourself to go unless your wife comes and is happy with it then you might try this:</p>
<p>If you’re wife applied to Harvard but was not accepted, you might tell them that you want to come but not without your wife being admitted. So that you’ll come if her application was reconsidered. They may say no, but what do you have to lose?</p>
<p>On the other side, if you’re heart is set on Harvard and you choose another place, you might hold it against her down the line. It’s an awkward situation to be in for sure. You live one life, and this is a once in a life-time opportunity. I’d go to Harvard, but I’m also not married.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>A very good and delicate point worth thinking about more and maybe discussing with her. I originally read your and thought your wife was going for her PhD as well, but if she is paying she must not be. What sort of degree is she going for…a second Masters? One can do a second Masters anywhere, and it won’t make all that much difference to one’s career. The PhD will make a huge difference. Physics is an extremely competitive field, and the school you attend to obtain your PhD makes a huge difference.</p>
<p>It’s Boston, there are lots of schools in or very near Boston…even the public ones near Boston are good like Worcester. You could live there for a year or so, she could work, and then pay in state tuition and many of MA good Public schools.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I personally would not give Harvard an Ultimatum under any circumstance. Your could discreetly discuss it with somebody like the Professor you might be working with of other officials.</p>
<p>Harvard. Harvard. Harvard. Otherwise, you will be resentful for the rest of your life. Just my opinion. :)</p>
<p>Harvard.</p>
<p>Congrats!</p>
<p>What are your wife’s career goals? Is there any way to sell the Cambridge move as something that will also support her in the long run? Back in the day, something similar happened to my husband and me (we weren’t yet married), and we agreed that my husband’s opportunity would pay greater dividends in the long run. We agreed to take turns, focusing first on his career before I could turn to mine.</p>
<p>You might want to check into Harvard’s spousal benefits for graduate students. Once married, I was allowed to take classes free-of-charge as a non-matriculated student. Fortunately, I also had a work schedule that allowed this flexibility.</p>
<p>My wife has two masters degrees… one in Biotechnology and one in Education… she also has a California teaching credential. I’m not quite sure she knows what she wants to do.</p>
<p>So the situation has gotten stickier. I’ve also been admitted to Stanford, though I’m still leaning toward Harvard…</p>
<p>I really appreciate the advice guys.</p>