A Question for Parents: Balancing work and family

Parent Cafe
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<p>I’m not sure why there is a view among some women that they should be able to “have it all”… men have never been able to “have it all” either. You just can’t do it. You can’t work the huge hours required for the very top jobs AND give tons of hours a week to your family. There just aren’t enough hours.</p>

<p>Make sure you and the future spouse are on the same page regarding career and family plans. That’s the most important, IMO.</p>

<p>I think you will be ok in the office, but you obviously have to realize that work that needs to get done needs to get done, and if someone else is doing all the important or time sensitive work while you are off doing other things, then you aren’t going to get promoted ahead of them.</p>

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<p>I have worked full time my entire adult life. My father died between fresh and soph years in college, leaving my mom with 5 kids, 2 still in HS. I decided then that I would never let myself be caught in a situation where I’d be left with no options.</p>

<p>My husband and I waited 6+ years before we had our first child. We are partners in every sense and both of us recognized early-on that being high-flying execs would mean a huge takeaway from the family. Somehow it worked out that when my job required a lot, his didn’t, and vice-versa. We are senior non-managers in our company and happy with the way things came out. We see that the senior mgrs/execs usually have a stay at home spouse or no children, neither of which were in the cards for us. Traveling 3 weeks per month was not our idea of family life.</p>

<p>Our daughters were/are a priority, and we did our best. Sure, there are things I wish I’d done differently, but all-in-all, it was ok.</p>

<ol>
<li>We waited to have kids</li>
<li>We had high-quality (and correspondenly high-priced) childcare. One place when they were infants, another at age 2.5 that was a different place, but in the same building, and a 3rd when we moved to a new house. I did drop off, H did pickup.</li>
<li>They didn’t do tons of after school stuff. They chose a sport/activity and stuck with it.</li>
<li>We stayed at the same company, one which is large enough to allow movement to new programs, but gave us stable employment when we needed it. There were plenty of baby handoff days when the girls were sick. Bosses who allowed us to work from home when we had to, come in late, leave early, were life savers.</li>
<li>We stayed involved - pre-school board of directors, PTA, school events, field trips, concerts, bike rides on the weekend etc, dinner together.</li>
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<p>There is a lot of give and take in our relationship. A lot. Having a partner makes it work. I love my family beyond belief, but being a stay at home parent was not an option. We did what we could to make it work for us. I don’t know that we have it all, but we have all we need.</p>

<p>On the plus side, we have been able to save for retirement, send our daughters to college, do some traveling, and stay close by our families.</p>

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<p>It’s good that you are thinking about this. People are correct that you can’t have it all, at the same time. Life is full of sacrifices and choices. </p>

<p>My H and I made the decision for one of us to stay home, and that was my H. We learned to live on one income, but our kids have grown up in a house with less stress, and a place that they could bring their friends to after school. There is no amount of money that can replace that.</p>

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<p>I really hate that Slaughter article on so many levels. </p>

<p>Both of my parents worked at one point and were stay at home parents at some point. It was a great balance. We were always very, very poor but I have very few negative memories. </p>

<p>My goal in life is to have a stay at home partner and be a career woman. I want kids but I could not be a stay at home parent. Luckily, I’m with someone who wants to be a SAHD. </p>

<p>I’ll check back with you guys in 20 years and let you know how it goes :)</p>

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<p>from the book written by Bronnie Ware “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying”:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.</p></li>
<li><p>I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.</p></li>
<li><p>I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.</p></li>
<li><p>I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.</p></li>
<li><p>I wish that I had let myself be happier.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>The author worked as a palliative care nurse. These were the most common themes that surfaced when patients were questioned about regrets or things they would do differently.</p>

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<p>Interesting article in today’s NY Times about Sheryl Sandberg’s new book and social movement she is trying to start. Apparently she and Anne-Marie Slaughter are in something of a feud on this topic.
<a href=“Sheryl Sandberg, ‘Lean In’ Author, Hopes to Spur Movement - The New York Times”>Sheryl Sandberg, ‘Lean In’ Author, Hopes to Spur Movement - The New York Times;

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<p>I’m in my late 50’s now with kids grown. I have heard many of my friends and relatives of a similar age express the fact that they wish they would have spent more time with the kids, or had them earlier or more of them.</p>

<p>You can always start a career later, you cannot go back and make up for those missed years of childhood or have kids past a certain age.</p>

<p>None of them ever said “I wish the house had been cleaner” while the kids were little.</p>

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<p>Personally, I mommy-tracked. Sometimes, I regret it in that now h makes the lion’s share of the income, leaving me vulnerable. I had a job with a lot of time off, and I have rarely missed an event involving one of the kids. On the other hand, d2 had a parents recognition event recently. H wasn’t home. He wasn’t home for the same event last year. D2 said, “people are going to think you’re divorced.” I doubt he wants to change things, but I think he missed out on a lot, and it really is his loss.</p>

<p>I have a friend whose husband is a SAHD. That’s how they make it work, but she’s the one missing stuff. </p>

<p>Know another family who split the mommy track. Dad, who was very structured, handled most of the kid stuff when they were little. Mom took over around middle school. Best balance I have ever seen. Each parent spent time as primary care-giver.</p>

<p>I also don’t think I’d give you the advice to “wait” on having kids. You have a lot more energy when you’re younger. Your little kids really are happy regardless of how much you make and where you are in your career trajectory. I have some high school classmates who are grandparents. They are now free to devote time to their careers and interests as they please, and still have many years left to climb the career ladder unencumbered. My friends who waited and started having kids mid and late thirties are exhausted balancing bigger jobs with more responsibilities and their families. I don’t envy them. Don’t necessarily think they made the wrong choice, but firmly believe that waiting until later in life to have your family is always the best choice.</p>

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<p>My husband did a split down the middle thing, involving him working nights and me working days. Not a good way to do it. Sounds great on paper, but he ended up being the one more involved with the kids and their activities. I desperately wanted to be a SAHM for at least a little while and it didn’t happen, so I always deeply resented his years of being the class dad and being the one chatting with the other moms on the playground. It took years and years for me to let go of the anger, but I will never let go of the fact that I had one life and I didn’t get to ever do the one thing I wanted to. So make sure you factor your own needs and wants into your life plan.</p>

<p>On the upside, I have a huge 401-K and in this terrible economy I have a very good job at which I’ve earned respect and freedom. Which allows my kids to have their educations and the things I do want them to have. In hindsight, it is better that I always worked because I don’t have the education to have stepped out of the workforce and then opted back in later. Which is important. I know a lot of women who are right now desperate to find a job, any job, and failing. For me, without a lot of family, having co-workers and an anchor for my day is probably a good thing as I get older because the kids are moving on and I don’t think my marriage would survive my husband and I being everything to each other.</p>

<p>So you take the good with the bad and the key is to assess from time to time. What works when you have a non-sleeping infant may not work as well when you have a 12-year old girl whose voice grates on your las nerve, but what worked for the infant may work really well again for the 16 year-old boy who needs more supervision. The thing about kids is that the goal is for them to eventually leave, and the total attention period is much shorter than you might imagine over the course of your lifetime. People are living longer, so there (God willing) will be decades for you to plan for after the kids have kicked you to the curb.</p>

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<p>Sorry . . . Don’t believe waiting is always the best choice</p>

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<p>OP, one thing that your generation will have that we didn’t have when our kids were tiny is technology - smart phones, tablets, laptops, skype, etc. When my kids were little, if you were away from the office, you were away. I remember comuting all the way into the city to read one fax. Now, of course, the info arrives via email which can be read anywhere.</p>

<p>Technology is very helpful when it comes to attending kids’ events…you can be on your phone or email until the kindergarten play starts, spend 20 minutes watching it, take your darling home, then get back on the computer from home. That really is an improvement from the days where if you left a 2 pm, you were gone and out of touch for the day.</p>

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<p>I’m not a fan of waiting, either, at least not until the last possible minute. I was the last-minute child of my parents and it affected my life in ways I could never have imagined. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but statistically one is likely to be healthier younger.</p>

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<p>The thing about waiting is that you don’t know whether you’re fertile.</p>

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<p>I had my only kid young (late 20s), and now I’m glad I did. I also don’t think that waiting is necessarily best. You’ll spend a lot of money for decent childcare but it won’t last forever. And it will be nothing compared to what you’ll need to spend on college, and at that point being in a two-career household (unless your husband earns tons) will be extremely helpful. </p>

<p>We really only have our anecdotes because there is no one correct life script for everyone. When my D was young, I was constantly exhausted and torn. I hated dropping her off at daycare, and knowing that she had to go into “extended care” (euphemism for afterschool care) because I worked, while the other women in my neighborhood got to spend more time with their children. Now, however, I have a career, we have money to give our D opportunities, our retirement fund is healthy and our house is almost paid off, and many women who stayed home do not have what I have. It is extremely hard to revitalize a career when you have been out of the full-time workforce for 15-20 years. </p>

<p>Who made the better choice? Hard to say. There are pros and cons to everything. Most people find a way to justify their choices ex post facto.</p>

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<p>One other thing to think about is “kid spacing”. I am sure you will hear varied ideas out here, but we had two kids about 5 years apart. As we were both working, that was a good fit for us. It got #1 to kindergarten around the time #2 was born. And honestly, probably would have made me crazy to have them closer together. So ours were born when I was 27 and 32. And after the second was born, I stepped off the corporate treadmill to my own business (with the skills to do so). It has also meant only one college tuition at a time (yes, less FA if we were a low income family, but in our case it would not have made much difference). And less stress. Our kids are still pretty close, so for us this has worked well.</p>

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<p>I’m going to assume that you thought to pose this question here because you see that most of us are fine, upstanding parents who seemingly have tried our best to raise fine children. :)</p>

<p>If you did a survey here, you would find all types of answers as to how we planned or didn’t plan our pregnancies, how long or short of a time we waited in terms of age etc. Whether we did it along with a partner or spent years parenting solo. But the one common thread I THINK you would find in many/most of our situations is that WE MADE IT WORK and we put our children and their needs (tangible and non-tangible) in the forefront regardless of what we had to balance. We made the best of our resources, our time and our responsibilities - whether we worked or not, whether we started a family at 20, 30 or 40. </p>

<p>I believe that is the key. Perfect circumstances and planning don’t exist. Making good decisions with circumstances and planning can exist - and the most important would be the well being of our kids - at any point in our/their lives.</p>

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<p>If you’re lucky!!! My college junior is still at home, and because of his mental health issues, it’s challenging.</p>

<p>My husband and I are both structural engineers - we met in grad school. I always expected I’d be a big-shot engineer, designing skyscrapers in a big city. Instead, DH and I run our own mom-and-pop company out of our home in rural Maine, designing mostly small buildings. But I love my life! So my advice is go with the flow and see what happens. I didn’t even think I wanted kids at your age. Once my oldest was born (on my 30th birthday), I couldn’t imagine NOT having more kids.</p>

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<p>Although we married fairly young (early 20’s) we did not have a child until we have been married for 10 years. That meant that we had done our traveling, career building, etc. before then and were also financially comfortable. I then became a stay at home mom and only worked part-time while my daughter was in school. The important thing is that you both have to agree on your priorities - for us, we could not see anybody else being a care-provider for our child.</p>

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<p>Great post abasket!</p>

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<p>My H and I decided to put off having children until we knew I would be able to quit working and be a full-time SAHM. I was 35 when our D was born. I’ve been out of the workforce for 20 years. I’m happy to say that our retirement fund is healthy. In fact, my H will probably be retiring in a couple of years. Our house will be paid off in 3 years. We saved enough to pay for our D to go to college for 4+ years. Turns out we didn’t need that money because she has a full merit scholarship. So she can use that money for grad school or a down payment on a home.</p>

<p>Staying at home to raise my D was the best decision for our family. However, I respect moms who chose to work. However, I do feel for moms who desperately want to stay home with their children but can’t afford to do so.</p>