<p>I could not have it all myself. I did not have the type of husband that did his share of the parenting jobs or anything in the house. I was ok working part-time but that was when I had a good family network of support. You need the right family network of support if you intend to have children and have a big job.</p>
<p>Love zooser’s post that we can have it all. Just not at the same time. I was on the career track until I turned 29 and DH and I wanted to start a family. From there, I worked part time as our family grew and 10 yrs ago, i quit working to stay home with the kids. Now, 2 are in college and we have one more to go. I am glad that we started a family when we did.</p>
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<p>Abasket is correct. Too many variables. Your spouse, your employer, your job description and hours required or not required but needed to get ahead, the nanny, your kids health, the attentive, smart co-worker who is good-looking .</p>
<p>It’s harder than many people think. As others have said, you really can’t plan all that well.</p>
<p>I thought I had it all planned out. I wanted my first child about age 30. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out that way. Time went by…and I wasn’t pregnant. I did become pregnant a few years later–at absolutely the worst possible time for my career. No two ways about it, it really derailed my career. I went in another direction after that–perfectly fine, but it’s not what my first choice would have been. </p>
<p>Years later, I ended up divorced. Again, something I would never have foreseen. That added other complications. </p>
<p>It’s great to read all about folks who had their first child over 35 and all worked out well. I know a lot of women who did that quite successfully. I also know a lot of women who planned to do that and ended up having fertility problems. I know others who worked very, very hard and then turned around and discovered that they were 35-40 and had no significant other. Several of them ended up marrying men who were 50ish and already had families, but who were willing to have a second family. Two adopted two kids each and are terrific single moms. A couple chose artificial insemination and are single parents to their bio kids.</p>
<p>I watch my married kid and kid’s friends facing these same issues. One family just broke down and hired a nanny. I suspect the total cost is close to the W’s take home pay. They were using what is generally hailed as the best day care in the area. Unfortunately, their child wasn’t eating well at dare care. They couldn’t stuff enough food into her at other times and mealtimes at home because very tense. The kid’s not sick–just one of those kids who has to be isolated from all distractions to focus on eating. In a couple of months with a nanny, the kid has gained lots of weight and now is close to what she should be. Before, the pediatrician was warning them she was seriously underweight. Granted, this isn’t an issue for MOST kids. It was, however, an issue for their child…and one they never foresaw. </p>
<p>Of course, I think it’s important to choose the right spouse. But some of us make mistakes. Some people have kids with issues. I watch a divorced mom I know–whose ex-H is actively involved as co-parent and does as much as she does–struggle because her kid has a mild disability which means hauling her to physical therapy several times a week and spending a lot of time on physical exercises. It’s extremely time consuming. Again, this is a situation she never foresaw.</p>
<p>I say all this not to discourage anyone, but to say you’ve just got to “go with the flow.” I do think you need to discuss having kids and who will take care of them when you do fairly early on in a relationship. But beyond that, having a child is always a leap of faith. You do the best you can.</p>
<p>Personally, being a mom is the most enjoyable thing I’ve ever done in life, so any sacrifices were well worth it.</p>
<p>“Go with the Flow”, is the a great way to put it, Jonri. We make decisions in a vacum, not knowing what the ramifications are going to be, what will happen. How does one marry thinking about divorce? How does one have children when one thinks about all of the problems that can come of it? We make the best decision we can at the time, hope for the best, work for the best, and though the old adage says to prepare for the worst, most of us cannot, and should not as it would prevent our best just in living with that possibility.</p>
<p>I said in another thread that I 'm a dinosaur, in that I am a stay at home mom, who could have, probably should have maintained some semblance of a career. The journey is not over for me, so it’s hard to say whether it was the right choice or not. I had a lot of kids, so that tipped the scales in making it right, but I don’t think I would have, had we not pretty much decided I was going to stay at home any ways. I worked with my first two, and was able to get part time hours. What I cleared after working costs was just about enough to pay for my sitter those early years, but it would have also paid for the nursery school and private school in future years, had I continued. It would have provided some psychological cushion as well as a bit of extra money to our family. DH has shouldered all of the responsibility of bringing in the money, and as our family has no outside recourse, it makes it a scary risky thing that one person has all of this responsibility. I don’t know if I’d do things this way again.</p>
<p>But then I was with the kids all of the time. When there was a fire, I saw it start. I was on top of issues. When one was dxed with cancer, I could focus on him, care for him and not worry much about anything else. Any time anything happened that required someone to be right on top of anything, I was there. How much it mattered, whether it mattered, whether it hurt, I was there. </p>
<p>So you takes your chances and makes your choices, and go with the flow the best you can. Sometimes at some moments, some other way would have been better, and sometimes not. There is no perfect choice and there is no sense trying to figure it out. </p>
<p>Ideally, I would have worked, part time and tried to parlay it into a position that could go full time if needed. I thinkt that would have been the best balance for our family. And I did do it to some degree, but let the sirens at home call me back too often.</p>
<p>To the OP you have to do whats best for you, but I applaud you for thinking of these things ahead of time. Since you asked for our experience/opinions, I will share mine.</p>
<p>I got married, young, got pregnant the first year of marriage, and had my last child at age 32. I have three and they are 3 years apart. Now there are things that I regret, because we had our kids quickly, and early in the marriage, we didnt have money to travel, and some of the other trappings for young couples with no kids. We also didnt have college savings accounts. But man, I am SOOOOO glad we did. I will be an empty nester at age 50. We will still be young. I can then accompany my hubby on his business trips, and do some things for me. My husbands income has increased steadily. So while we dont have college savings accounts, we are doing well enough to allow or kids some acceptable choices for school. </p>
<p>I LOVE the fact, that my kids not only have grandparents on both sides, they still have two great-grandmothers, and these are some active women. My great-grandfather was also still living until 2005, so they actually knew and spent time with their great-great grandfather, and it wasnt something they had to read about. My mother had me young, so when they were born, she was active with them, and she still is. She had her own car seats, wagons, etc. I have several friends that did the career thing, went to Wharton, made BIG bucks, but suffered awful infertility and didnt have kids until they were 40-42. I cant imagine nearing retirement, and having to worry about teenage drama
and college tuition.</p>
<p>I quit working full time when my oldest hit junior high school, and since then I have worked as a contract employee on and off, with great flexibility. If you can afford to stay home indefinitely that is great, but most folks cant. I always say, if you have to choose, send them to daycare while they are young, its good for them and their socialization skills. Stay at home when they are teenagers, that is when they really need you, and the activities, pick up, and you have to be very vigilant about the choices they are making. I feel very blessed that I could be more available when they were older. I also had a wonderful daycare provider when they were younger, and my mom helped a lot.</p>
<p>cpt --</p>
<p>I can’t tell you how much I look forward to reading all of your forum posts. You are insightful, wise, and a terrific writer. You are a truly awe-inspiring person.</p>
<p>I had my kids young (mid-twenties), just as I was starting my law career. It was incredibly stressful and difficult. My husband was a big-firm attorney working 60+ hours a week and traveling often, so he wasn’t around much. My kids were in daycare and needed to be picked up by 6:00 every day, which was a constant source of stress (a good nanny probably would have been a better choice). I was so exhausted by my job that I had very left for my kids at the end of the day. The place I worked put an emphasis on “facetime,” so even though I was getting my work done, I was seen as a slacker for leaving “early” every day.</p>
<p>I felt like I was failing at both my career and being a parent, so I mommy-tracked myself to a 9-5 government job. The hours were great but the job was dull and there was no opportunity for advancement. After a few years, I went to part time and then quit entirely after another year. By that point, my husband was so successful in his career that we didn’t need my paycheck anymore. I was home while my kids were in middle school and high school, which seemed valuable. Now they are in college and here I am trying to decide what to do next. Am only in my mid-40s and my husband keeps saying “you can do anything you want!” but I find that almost paralyzing. The one thing I am crystal clear on is not wanting to go back to law. </p>
<p>So I don’t know what the moral of that story is. Having a partner who was able to be more present would have helped. Having helpful family nearby would have helped. I don’t really regret the way things turned out, but then law was probably not a good fit for me.</p>
<p>I did the ‘mommy track’ thing for most of the last 21 years (when son was born). I stayed at home full-time for 11 of those years. I worked part-time for 5 of those years and full-time in managerial positions for 4 of those years. I work part-time now (totally by choice) even though only child is in college. I also got my MBA when my son was in pre-school and I was working 2 days a week. So, basically, I have experienced it from all angles. </p>
<p>I decided early on that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. My parents (bless their hearts) had me at 18 (and three subsequent kids) and were for the most part, absenteeism parents. I decided even before my son was born that I was not going to be that type of parent (I understand that one can be physically present and yet emotionally absent, so physical presence guarantees nothing).</p>
<p>Personally, I don’t think any young person can know for sure what they want to do until they have their first child. That changes everything. But here are some things to consider and the reason I chose to stay at home:</p>
<ul>
<li><p>Your own personal energy level. I’m not a high energy person, so I knew that working full-time and raising a child was going to be very difficult for me. I am also an introvert and while I enjoy interacting with people at work, it can leave me drained and seeking solitude in the evenings. That isn’t very compatible with working full-time and child-raising. Having said that, I know a few high-energy women who handle a career and kids very well but I also knew I wasn’t one of them.</p></li>
<li><p>I didn’t trust others to spend more time with my child than I did and not have a huge impact on his early, formative years. My personal philosophy is the best nanny/day care world in the world is not as cherished as ‘Mom’. Of course, if Mom is very flawed then having other people have a huge impact might be a good thing. :)</p></li>
</ul>
<p>-Spousal support - Although he virtually never missed a sporting or school event, my husband poured most of his energy into his business. My husband is very career driven, owns his own business and to this day works 60+ hours a week. It paid off handsomely but it’s not possible to be in two places at once so I knew the bulk of the everyday parenting responsibilities would fall on me.</p>
<ul>
<li>I wanted to be a part of my child’s every day world. Even when he was in school, I knew many of the other parents, kids and teachers through volunteering, car-pooling, arranging play dates, taking him to after-school activities and just being present at school. Parents who work full-time don’t often have that luxury unless they own their own business or have very flexible work schedules. I also believe that quantity time is more important than quality time, Having said that I don’t think being at home automatically makes one a better parent.</li>
</ul>
<p>-Finances - my husband and I decided from the first to just live on his salary - mine went into the bank. That afforded me the opportunity to stay at home. I often hear people complaining they can’t live off one salary. While that may be true in certain parts of the country, it’s not in my neck of the woods (for college educated people). I know tons of couples who live on one salary Yes, they live modest (but not deprived) lifestyles but they do it because it’s important to them to have someone at home. Other people make different but equally appropriate choices. It’s just another facet to think about.</p>
<p>I have zero regrets. Zero. Even though I’m back in the workforce, I feel like I had and have the best of both world - I got to spend uber time with my son and I get some personal fulfillment by working part-time in a very professional setting. I have no desire to work full-time and have a ‘big’ career. I love having a good work-life balance. I can’t tell you the number of women who tell me they wish they could have stayed home or work part-time. While some of our ‘sisters’ seem more cut out for a major career, the mass of women really struggle with the whole work-life thing. </p>
<p>I will admit I tend to fall in the ‘can’t have it all’ camp. I rarely see anyone do it ‘all at once’ and do it well. What seems to work best is a serial version where you focus more on career before kids and after the kids have left the nest but while they are growing up, career takes a back seat (it’s still possible to work during the child-rearing years, just not at the same level).</p>
<p>One thing to keep in mind is people like Sheryl Sandburg (Facebook COO who is getting ready to come out with a book about how women can have it all) delegate a lot of child-rearing activities to other people. A lot more than the average mother who works full-time. You can’t physically be in two places at once - no one has that luxury and you can’t run Facebook 9-5pm. So you have to ask yourself if you are willing to miss out that much on your child’s life. Just food for thought.</p>
<p>Abasket got it right. We cannot predict. I did research on dual professional couples, and plotted how I would be an academic and writer. Well, turns out I raised my DS as a single parent. Lots of nannies. I had no hesitation to fire after a week, and the 3 who stayed with us a year are still in touch with me, wanting pictures and visits. I gave up my wonderful position to move nearer to the worm’s grandparents. I’ve said this before, but he energized them. No one could have been more caring than his grandparents. My career suffered in an academic sense; no more books or articles published, no more national speeches. But I did earn enough to give the worm choices for college, travel, camp, and ECs. I could set my own hours, so could care for him and for my parents. It has not been a perfect world, but in so many ways, it could have been a lot worse.</p>
<p>When the worm marries, I will walk him down the aisle with pride. He simplified my life so by doing his homework, his laundry, associating with a wonderful group of friends, everything but cleaning his room. He was so cooperative and lovable.</p>
<p>MomLive, you put this so well:</p>
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<p>That was exactly my problem. I’m not a high-energy person, and I’m an introvert. After dealing with people all day, I had nothing left for my kids at night, and I hated myself for it. And I was exhausted all the time.</p>
<p>This is a fascinating thread. I’m enjoying reading everyone’s perspective. I think it’s true, you can’t have it all, at the same time. When D, my first, was born, I had the luxury of going part-time at my firm and staying with that schedule until S was born. Then I realized that there was no way I could have my foot in both worlds and be satisfied. As a part-timer, I felt like I was somewhat “left out” at the workplace (I worked half days, so no lunches with the group, etc) and also “left out” of the SAHM crowd (wasn’t at home for morning playgroups, etc). So I picked one, and that one was the SAHM track. I was lucky enough, about 5 years later, when S was in kindergarten, to stumble back into my old firm as a temp on-and-off until it was time to start seriously thinking about tuition. At that time I was asked and able to return to the company as a regular employee. By that time, we were USED to living off H’s paycheck, although modestly, and all of my income was gravy. I think, had I continued working, we would have adjusted our lifestyle to depend on my income, and that would have haunted us when it came time for those tuition payments.</p>
<p>It was what right for ME, for my family…I wouldn’t have traded it for the world. Those were the best years of my life.</p>
<p>I was fortunate that I finished all my education and was nicely settled at a job I loved before H and I met. I never figured I could have it all at the same time. </p>
<p>When we were married my on/gyn said we had to have our kids now or never (due to some health issues I had). Since I was 29 and H was considerably older we were happy to start our family. I took 3 months maternity leave when S was born a year later. (I had also switched from intense trial law firm to lower key but boring govt atty job.). H stayed home with S for 6 weeks after I went back from maternity leave–he brought S to nurse at lunch while H and I ate lunch and then would go back home. We’d have dinner together and then he’d work for 4 hours in the evenings. After 6 weeks of it he went back to work and I quit! Stayed home with the kids for about 12 years and then began series of part time jobs. </p>
<p>H and I made the choice for me to stay home with the kids and live more frugally on H’s income. We have been able to buy a modest home we love, pay for our kids to attend their dream Us and get bachelors degrees, travel, eat out as desired, and have a comfortable pension and savings. We have no regrets. </p>
<p>I enjoy the nonprofit I started and run while H loved his career and knowing I could pick up and travel with him at short notice as well as ferrying our kids to their many ECs and appointments, regardless of how hectic his schedule got. </p>
<p>My part time salary helped with expenses, especially when both kids were at private U at the same time. </p>
<p>I didn’t want to marry until I had been out of school and working at my career for some years as I was such a chameleon in school and was still evolving. </p>
<p>H and I have no regrets and it has been a wonderful partnership!</p>
<p>You can have it all if you marry the right guy. I pretty much raised both daughters on my own - an infinite number of piano, Kumon, fencing, art, doctor /dentist /orthodontics appointment, drivers ed, daily drop/pickup from preschool, help with homework, and so on. </p>
<p>The reason - I believe in 40 hours pay for 40 hours a week. The Mrs.believes in 40 hours pay for every waking hour (works from home). Glad to see she’s saving the whales and all that, but it’s basically people like her that have made 40 hour week people look like ‘slackers’.</p>
<p>What a wonderful thread, with such interesting family stories. My best single piece of advice to the OP is do not bank on your fertility. I have read that women’s fertility begins to decline at age 28, then goes down further at 30, and again at 32. Don’t assume you have a clear choice of kids now or kids later. If you really want to have children, I would advise having them earlier rather than later because of this factor. Not many career women think this way, I know, but that is my little nugget of wisdom. I didn’t know this as a young woman, and it took me 5 years to get pregnant. </p>
<p>I couldn’t handle working 30 hrs. per week with a school-age child due to illness (mine and hers) and all the school half-days, days off, and vacations. I didn’t make enough for a nanny, and the days off were so erratic anyway. I only had six sick days per year and though I took nonpaid days off for other illnesses, I was constantly under pressure not to be absent and to work full time instead of 30 hrs. I finally quit and went free-lance and that worked out much better for us.</p>
<p>OP – kudos for thinking of all this now. I agree with the first posts (choose your husband carefully). Ideally, each spouse would have the flexibility to stay home or ramp up their career as children and job opportunities see fit. I think having kids and a career is easier if you’re easier on yourself, and don’t expect things to be perfect. Kids are messy; life is messy. If you expect some kind of photo-shoot ready existence, you’ll be disappointed and frustrated.</p>
<p>I remember once coming home from work to my beautiful little baby girl and the nanny handed her over to me and I held her high over my head like you see people do in the ads, and she threw up all over my new suit. I just had to laugh.</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>The thing is you have to find the right partner unless you plan to be a single parent. I couldn’t have moved up my timeline much because hadn’t met THE ONE until a few years before we married when I was nearly 29. We can only plan our best and try to stay flexible with a committed partner who shares your values.</p>
<p>I think a lot of it depends on how you define “having it all.” I have always worked full time but selected employers who allowed for flexibility. I didn’t have a desire to work 60 hours a week in high powered jobs so I wouldn’t choose those anyway. I made enough for us to make it but we were never wealthy. I don’t want to live to work, I want to work to live. I leave work at work when I walk out the door at the end of the day. I was VERY lucky that my mom had to stop working just before I had my D. She needed money and I needed a babysitter and who better than grandma? My kids developed a wonderful relationship with her and I get to see her every day now, even though she has passed, because I can see so much of her influence in my kids. Was my house perfect? No. We did always have family meals though. I made that a priority. The kids were in latch key at the school once they started school and they had fun there playing with their friends. I didn’t miss their activities. I used vacation days to chaperone field trips because I wanted to be there. </p>
<p>I’ve been divorced for 13 years. The only time I felt overwhelmed by kids/work/house duties was when I was married. I agree with those who say to choose your partner carefully. Mine made everything difficult and frustrating because he was a major slob, did nothing to help around the house, was really selfish about meals (so he would go get take out if he wasn’t in the mood for what I’d cooked for dinner!) He was more work than the kids ever were! </p>
<p>I’ve never measured work success by how far up the ladder I could get. I wanted to do things I enjoyed that would pay the bills. I feel like I’ve had it all. In the past few years, I’ve been in grad school on top of it all. </p>
<p>As for timing, for me, the timing was just right. I was 29 with my first, 31 with my second. I had time to get 7 years of experience into my job before the first one came along and I’ll only be 49 when the nest is empty. It was “right in the middle” to me, and it has worked out well. </p>
<p>I feel like I have it all but my “all” might not be someone else’s “all”</p>
<p>No one can have it all at the same time. </p>
<p>But the difference is, when men sacrifice family, relationship, a clean house, home-cooked meals, they tend not to beat themselves up with guilt the way women do.</p>
<p>I won’t be as thoughtful or detailed as others but I’ll add my 2 cents. Agree that the partner choice is key. He or she might change a bit when the bundle of joy arrives but then it’s back to the same philosphy and line of thinking. And the money part, we all can live more simply. It’s a choice. I’m not talking between a trailer and 3000 sq feet either. Once you commit to that mortgage you are stuck. And who wouldn’t be drawn by those low interest rates. Buy what you can afford on maybe 1.5 of your salaries. As time goes on your spouse’s salary may raise enough to take care of it. I did stay home for 10 years with 3 children. We practiced living on one salary. When I did return to the workforce boy did we feel rich! One of the worst parts of staying home was from working moms would say, “Oh, you’re so lucky. I could never afford to stay home.” It wasn’t luck. It was a choice we made that involved a lot of hard work. Now if healthcare is an issue then all bets are off. It’s all perspective, too. Some think that a one time trip to Disney
World is satisfactory. Others aren’t happy without a major trip every summer and holiday. Again, a choice. Good idea to think ahead but know that all is subject to change. My daughter had a significant other for almost 4 years. Many of these issues didn’t come up. They were just in a nice relationship, enjoying each other. It wasn’t until late in the game that she wanted to know where this relationship was going and then realized just how different they were. The topics never came up in a serious way. They are not together and she has since found a true soulmate.</p>