<p>I’ve been fortunate that H and I (both profs) have jobs that, while time intensive, are quite flexible. Other than showing up to teach my classes and attend certain meetings, the rest of the day I can manage how I please. Also, there is always something productive to do no matter whether I’m at my office, home, or waiting for the piano lesson to finish. When DS was young, we were able to use on-campus day care. I’ve missed a few school plays, etc. due to work related travel, but we have also been able to get some great family vacations at a discount when I needed to travel to an interesting place for work and having the family join me for a few extra days. </p>
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<p>This is very important.</p>
<p>The neighbors on either side of us were (apparently) happy families with kids when we moved here when S was 3. Over the years, both split up when the husband had an affair. The mother in one family was a nurse who kept working 8 or 10 hours a week and was able to up her hours when she needed to. The other had dropped out of law school when she had her first baby and found the job opportunities for a 50 something with no work experience pretty slim. Their lifestyle took a huge hit and it was very hard on both her and the kids. Comparing my kid’s life with her kid’s while she was a SAHM, I don’t think that the extra opportunities to helicopter was at all worth the risk.</p>
<p>I think it’s worth talking about “who” gets to stay home as couples plan families. A couple decades ago it was presumed to be the woman. These days I suspect there are plenty of men who might say they want to. Not to mention that the odds that men and women will earn similar salaries is more common. H and I were abit of an anomaly back in the 80s and when H ended up being the stay at home dad, although in our neighborhood there was another man doing a similar thing. I’ve been witness to a few arguments among younger couples on that topic. This possibility could be blindsiding to a young woman who secretly had dreams of starting down the college then career path and then staying home with the kids.</p>
<p>Honestly, when I first started dating my SO, it was one of the very first things we talked about. I think he knew about two weeks in that I wanted a SAHD or at least someone who didn’t want a career. </p>
<p>I’ve seen my friends get married and have kids and never talk about who was going to do what (staying home? having a career? etc) and it almost always causes major friction. I could not imagine getting married without having talked about those things.</p>
<p>romani, I agree with you entirely. I have friends who are getting engaged without the slightest discussion of these things; usually in straight couples, the men assume that their fiancees will stay home at least until the kids are in middle school, and the women have a very different idea of when they’ll want to go back to work.</p>
<p>Like many of the younger readers of this thread, I’m reading along to get as many perspectives on the matter as possible. My partner and I have talked about this, and we come from families who handled this very differently from one another, but it can’t hurt to hear others’ experiences. I’ve picked up some great advice so far, so thank you all!</p>
<p>Sew happy makes a fantastic point. Things change over the years and I think the best possible lifestyle perk is the ability to make changes as warranted.</p>
<p>Just keep in mind the biological realities may be more powerful than expected. Men can’t breastfeed, and those hormones are very strong. I realize not everyone chooses to breastfeed, but it can be very hard to leave a 2 month old and go back to being the sole breadwinner if you do.</p>
<p>Exclusive breastmilk stage is 6 months max. Then solid food becomes part of the diet. My workplace has dedicated pumping rooms to encourage breastfeeding women to return. So biology is not longterm destiny.</p>
<p>The big concern is for the long haul over the course of the years that the kids are in the nest: what home responsibilities arrangements will decided by the parents.</p>
<p>Another thing to consider (and forgive me if this has been discussed up thread) is that you can’t always predict what your baby will be like. Mine turned out to be intolerant of all formula, we tried everything under the sun, so I had to nurse exclusively for 6 months, which would have been very difficult if I had planned on going back to work after 6 weeks.</p>
<p>Also, we have friends whose son was born with a minor problem that necessitated some surgery and ruled out a group day care setting as they had planned. They ended up having to have family help out various days and the wife took a different position that allowed her to work PT from home in order to manage some medical care that he needed.</p>
<p>Now she is still working from home FT and has been on sort of a lateral track, but they had to make that choice unexpectedly once he was born, as this issue was not something picked up in prenatal visits.</p>
<p>Sew happy, I worked and nursed for over a year. I counted ounces pumped at work every day. It was a giant pain in the butt and became almost a compulsion, so it’s not something I recommend unreservedly, but I am glad I did it.</p>
<p>^ Zoos – You probably did better than me and I worked remotely (aka at home) first year of both kids’ lives.</p>
<p>There’s a good argument that counting ounces and keeping track is better actually, big assumptions that the mom is home the kid is getting enough.</p>
<p>When my DD asks for advice I will just run and hide – it’s all a blur, somehow they survived!</p>
<p>We never bothered with counting ounces. Our general guidance was, if baby is pooping and peeing and seeming otherwise happy, than baby is probably getting enough milk/formula.</p>
<p>The breadwinner-mom/stay-at-home dad deal is not necessarily right for everyone. Seemed like a good idea at the time but I have many regrets.</p>
<p>I think it might be better if you have sons. I have daughters. I think it has not been good for our relationship at all, and not particularly good for our marriage, either.</p>
<p>I don’t know if I’d have done it this way if I had it to do over.</p>