<p>This is one of those times of year where there is a bump in teen suicides- the college admissions time- I remember last year there were several teen suicides when kids didn’t get into their schools, etc…so be watchful and tell your kids that you love them no matter what and if that dream school didn’t happen, let it go</p>
<p>and tell your kids that your aren’t disappointed and that they shouldn’t concern themselves with what they think others might say about the student’s college rejections…anyone that makes any kind of negative comment about any kid who didn’t get in somewhere is not a good person and not worth anyone’s energy or time</p>
<p>So pay attention to your children and watch for signs…this can be a very rough time for many</p>
<p>I bring this back to the top because it is so important</p>
<p>On another thread, a young man talked about his friend who just shot himself…so it does happen</p>
<p>Kids are so afraid of being embarrassed or disappointing people and college admissions time is really rough for many</p>
<p>So be aware and also gentle- not just with your own kids, but with others- don’t ask, so where you going allt he time…did you get into that IVY yet?</p>
<p>I wonder how many of these teen suicides is actually the “Parent’s Fault”. Unrealistic expectations; high amount of pressure; raising a child to grow up with low self esteem; not preparing a child that sometimes they LOSE; teaching them that losing and being a loser are two different things; teaching kids that the “journey” is more important than the “destination”.</p>
<p>Yes, this is indeed a very tough time of year for many students. For any of you parents who still have some elementary school kids; it’s never to late to teach your kids the real facts of life.</p>
<p>we need to teach our kids that embarrasment is nothing- it is meaningless- too often they are embarrassed about not succeeding, how they will appear to others and don’t want to face people because of being judged or laughed at</p>
<p>i read about an asian girl who killed herself because she didnt get into harvard. i think she apologized to her parents for it in her suicide note.</p>
<p>I agree with everything that Christcorp said about what we need to teach our kids, except I would be very careful about ascribing blame to parents. Most of us who have a child with suicidal feelings often have another child who we raised in the same loving way who is not suicidal, but content and confident. The child who talks about, attempts or succeeds at suicide is a child with mental illness who needs psychological help. I think that it is very hard, if not impossible, to “create” mental illness in another–especially when you are a loving, caring parent–as I am sure we cc’ers all are. The illness is just there–no one knows why yet–perhaps gaps in dna or chemical imbalance. I hope they figure it all out someday and can cure all types. I’d love for my adult daughter to have one happy day in her life.</p>
<p>Wow, gladmom–we have the same different dynamics in our household. Thanks for posting and citygirlsmom, thanks for starting this. I needed the reminder as much as anyone.</p>
<p>What I have learned in the last year is that facing up to issues of depression can be really hard; but there are good treatments and good counselors that can make a world of difference in many cases. Go out and seek help for your child if you think he or she is depressed, and hug them a LOT.</p>
<p>gladmom; I definitely agree that in the case of an individual who has bio-chemical issues that could lead to suicide, that is not parent induced. However, if the child was so induced to commit suicide, then it probably would have occurred with something else, had it not been triggered by a rejection letter. My comments were directed towards the non bio-chemical issues. The ones where it’s induced by stress, sense of failure, expectations, etc… These are all social issues that many parents and communities no longer address with their children as they are growing up. </p>
<p>We’ve all seen and heard how some elementary schools don’t allow kids to play games that keep score because they believe it’s wrong to be labeled a winner or loser. How many parents don’t give children such things as chores to teach them to be responsible for their actions. Hold them accountable. Always encouraging them instead of being honest with them. One of my favorites is the student who gets a “C” in class and they say how many they “GOT RIGHT”. We were told how many we “GOT WRONG”. I am an optimist. I am not talking about harping on negatives. I’m talking about teaching children HOW TO SUCCEED and HOW TO FAIL. The best lessons in life are learned when you fail at something.</p>
<p>I don’t know if a study has ever been done, but I would bet a box of donuts that I could make a hypothesis that students who participated in “competitive” sports starting at a young age; through high school; and didn’t have obsessed parents; probably have a much higher self esteem and better coping mechanism than those who don’t. Not all kids obviously, but a lot. Especially compared to the ones who aren’t involved that much with group activities.</p>
<p>Anyway;the “REAL” world is much different than home and school. Coddling and not allowing your kids to fail or be disappointed when they are growing up actually hinders them when they become adults.</p>
<p>Hmmm thoughtful comments, Christcorp. I guess I just dont see the difference between the two types of suicidal people that you see. </p>
<p>I wonder how widespread the experiences you describe are in which children are not labeled winner/loser. There was grading at my kids schools from 3rd grade on up. All of the kids that I know are judged constantly, from schools, coaches, and standardized test results (which start in the elementary school). </p>
<p>I’m no expert, but think that most of the people who experience the same stress and sense of failure that you describe are not suicidal. Why not? They are psychologically healthy and reach out for help from family and friends to get through their problems. Those who do feel suicidal are in deeper than family and friends can reach and need additional help from mental health care professionals. </p>
<p>I think we can both agree that it would be wonderful if all people who feel that bad could get the help they need, regardless of how they got in that state of mind.</p>
<p>gladmom; amen! People have many problems in the world. Some are physical, mental, chemical, biological, and social. The key to all of these types of problems is to get help to learn to deal with them. Trying to take away the problem or pretending it doesn’t exist, is definitely the worst thing that can be done. Getting these individuals to recognize the problem and how to deal with it is what’s most important. I wish more people would recognize the problem and assist in getting the help needed. Thx for your post.</p>
<p>What happens in these stressful times is that kids, who have seemingly no outward signs of illness or depression, etc will kill themselves or attempt to because they feel, in the moment, that they have failed- themselves, their families- or that they are embarrassed and ashamed for not being perfect</p>
<p>There are many kids who aren’t “suicidal” UNTIL certain events happen in their lives- it isn’t some chemical imbalance, or deep seated issue, its a place in time- and as Christcorp pointed out- these outside pressures we put on kids does them no good if the person has no one to talk to</p>
<p>Imagine if your parents expect the Ivys and that doesnt happen- who does the student turn to then?</p>
<p>Kids have killed themselves over getting dumped, losing a friend, rejections from college…and most of them would be pretty phycologicly healthy</p>
<p>I tried something when I was in college- it was depression- but no deep seeded patholocigical or physical problems- I just needed to get out of the place I was at and felt trapped </p>
<p>We seem to expect all sorts of outward signals and signs, when often they just aren’t there- but CIRCUMSTANCES that could trigger something are visible and that is where we as parents need to be aware and tell our kids that it will be okay</p>
<p>It’s also very important that while you are touring campus before leaving them there in August/September that you walk by the counseling services building and tell them it is there for them if they need it.</p>
<p>This has been a very difficult year for college-bound students. Wherever they end up is/will be an accomplishment in and of itself unlike any other.</p>
<p>I don’t want this thread to die because it is a very important discussion. Parents need to realize that freshman year in college is also a very difficult time for kids. Many have worked so hard in HS to get to college and once there (and without their family there), they can fall into a depression. It happened to my Ivy league son, so I know. Arjgn offers some very good advice about visiting the counseling office. No stigma. We were totally blindsighted by my son’s depression.</p>
<p>two kids from my hometown killed themselves a couple of days ago. they’re pretty sure the two events were unrelated (went to different schools), but the town is understandably in shock.</p>
<p>One2go: I agree about the importance of this thread. Most people have no problem seeking help with physical illness, but often those with mental illness dont realize they need help, actively resist getting help, or are too impaired to be able to figure out how to get it. We need to know how to recognize and help those with these kinds of problems.</p>
<p>In case anyone missed them, following are three thread titles from late 2007 that address the issue of student mental illness.</p>
<p>Mental Illness First Appears At College</p>
<p>What are the top concerns for parents whose students are going off to college?</p>
<p>The best thing that can be done to help the kids is for the parents to talk to them and put their life into perspective. Kid’s perspective on life is usually a lot more dramatic. It doesn’t have to be. Talk to them and put it back into perspective.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Tell them that going to college is a “TOOL”. It is not the “GOAL” in life. Their goal in life should be what they want to do as a job; where they want to live; what kind of standard of living they want; what type of family they want; etc… College is just a “TOOL” to help you get there. Therefor, not getting into a particular school or a particular program in school is not important. There’s a lot of schools; (tools); in the tool bag. There are plenty of other schools that will get them to their goal. Again; emphasize that getting into a particular school should NOT be their goal. The school is just a tool to get you to your goal.</p></li>
<li><p>Put into perspective that public/private high schools take in ALL kids. “A” students down to “F” students. Some kids will go to college; some to trade type schools; some straight to work; some may even drop out of school. Just because you’re in the top 10% doesn’t mean that much. Only 65% of students will consider college. That already changes your “TOP 10%” theory. Also; if you want an ivy; west coast ivy; service academy; etc… these schools are only taking the top 10% of the applicants who are the top 10% of their schools. In other words, not being selected doesn’t diminish your abilities. There will ALWAYS be those that you are better than at certain things and there will always be those that are better than you at certain thing. You will find that in life that you may be an investment wiz or computer geek, but your neighbor or friend will be there to help you when you need to repair your car or replace the water heater. In other words; you can’t be the BEST at EVERYTHING; so don’t even try. Instead, try to excel at what you are passionate about.</p></li>
<li><p>Explain to your kids that the diploma they get from college is what is important in helping to obtain their goals. It doesn’t matter if you graduate with a 3.8 or a 2.4. When you fill out the job interview application, they only see that you graduated. They don’t know your gpa. If you want to go to graduate school, it is important to do well in your undergraduate degree, but it’s not the only determining factor. Many kids have less than a 3.0 gpa and go on to get a masters.</p></li>
<li><p>Finally; life is short. You could be here another 60-70 years or another 2-3 weeks. Make the most out of it. Enjoy life; enjoy your friends and family; don’t waste time complaining if you can’t fix it. Remember the serenity prayer; “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can NOT change; courage to CHANGE the things I can; and wisdom ALWAYS to tell the different”. In other words; don’t waste what precious time you have. Make the most out of every day; HAVE FUN; enjoy yourself. </p></li>
</ol>
<p>Let your kid know that no matter what happens, you will ALWAYS be there for them if they need you. They are now an adult and that you WON’T judge them. You’ll give advice WHEN THEY ASK. You’ll help them with experience, labor, and finances when you can. That you will always love them; whether they get a degree from State “U” in Frisbee or a degree from MIT in Celestial Physics. Talk to your kids. From the time they are born until the day you die. Remind them as often as possible how much you love them and are proud of them. This is what kids need. Now; if they have bio-chemical problems, that will also require medical assistance. But for the majority of kids out there, the problems they have are stress induced by either themselves or family and friends. Teach them how to deal with it.</p>