<p>Because student records are confidential, the university cannot advise the legal authorities about this kind of thing, only when lives are endangered. The victimized students could do so, however, and the police could take action. The university could suspend the person who is stealing from school, in which case he would be removed from the residence hall. Every school has different procedures. (It is hard to know what kind of evidence, proof, documents there are about this person.) Your son can ask for a roommate change however, and most universities will grant it in this kind of situation. Noone can make the request but him. Good luck to you and your family.</p>
<p>I understand a parents desire to jump in and fix this problem immediately but I think it does a huge injustice to your son or daughter. Give him advice but don’t act for him or her. Good grief, nothing like making your kid feel impotent. “Well, when it’s really important I can’t trust you to handle it?” Guess what? This isn’t that big a deal. His roommate and friend of over a year ripped him off for $300 bucks. Let him deal with it. He can do this and when he does the next problem he runs into he will have this experience to back him up. Let him handle this…it’s small potatoes. He has friends as soundboards, an institution backing him up, and parents who are there to help. Let him do it.</p>
<p>He is going to be bothered by the betrayal for a long time. </p>
<p>I worked with a woman who I considered my friend. She was well-liked and seemed very stable. After she left our company, the next person who took her place found some “inconsistencies” in the bookkeeping. I was given the task of auditing her books from her first day of employ and what I found was that she was stealing money. (BTW, this was a human service agency providing services to mentally ■■■■■■■■ adults - and it was their money that was stolen.) For months later, I felt so betrayed - “how could she do this?” Even now - more than 10 years later - I still feel the same way. I never even really felt anger - it was hurt, betrayal, confusion, etc. </p>
<p>Your son is going to need you, his parents, to be his sounding board. He needs to sort through his feelings, without you being there to try to solve his problems. </p>
<p>I agree with the others not to call the other boy’s parents. I’m sure they have been informed by the school.</p>
<p>I experienced something very similar back in the dark ages when I was in college. Lovely, friendly, well liked girl was, it turned out, stealing from her friends, mostly jewelry, probably cash, and strangely, some things that were of no value and easily replaced. Her roommate took the biggest hit, naturally, and suspected her and found out by looking in her packed suitcase right before the girl was going home one weekend. The roommate reported her to the dorm authorities, and the girl returned the items. She left school immediately. It was one of those hard life lessons for everyone involved and to this day I don’t know if it was handled correctly. We were all shocked that she would take things from friends. She didn’t have a lot of material things herself (most of us did not) but the girl she stole from had an abundance. Maybe it was too tempting for her to room with this girl, she may have figured the girl would just be able to replace the items. I think there was something deeper, kleptomania or something, because most people do not take things just because someone has something that’s nicer. </p>
<p>I would not call the roommate’s parents. You don’t know them at all, don’t know their relationship with their son. They could be even scarier than their son. I’d write it off as a loss and help son by replacing the money. I wouldn’t expect the school to do much (or the police) in the case of cash that’s stolen. Impossible to say how much and who it belonged to.</p>
<p>I agree with Sax that it is a $300 life lesson, best handled and thought about by the student… though I also have no problem with the idea of supportive parents reimbursing their kid the money. After all, this is not the kid’s fault.</p>
<p>Like Himom’s son, this is the sort of lesson that I learned, and my son learned, in elementary school …perhaps in a sense we are fortunate to have encountered less-than-perfect “friends” so early on. I remember being about 12 or so and having my “best” friend steal a ring that had great emotional value to me – one day she was admiring it, the next day it was gone. I remember two very distinct incidents of thefts of cherished possessions with my son, at around age 6 & again at around age 12. </p>
<p>One of the important lessons is simply that even people who we like or who seem to be good people cannot always be trusted. Sometimes they are responding to external pressures (financial difficulties); sometimes they are individuals who seem to have internal emotional problems; and some people simply seem to have no internal concept of right and wrong, at least when it comes to theft or respect for personal property. If there is a big perceived discrepency in wealth, a thief will often rationalize that it is o.k. to steal from someone who is richer & better off.</p>
<p>None of this is meant to make excuses for the conduct – the point simply is that all is not black and white, good & evil, and seemingly good people sometimes do terrible things. It’s hard to reconcile sometimes – and sometimes we need to make some hard personal decisions about how we will deal with the person in the future. (Do you cut off all contact? or do you forgive and move on? Would it make a difference if you discovered an underlying reason for the problem - such as a drug problem - and the thief later got help for that problem?) </p>
<p>But I think that all comes back to the reason why the son needs to cope with this on his own. The fact that fake-name’s son confronted Tom and reported the incident to security, but has also said that he does not want to ruin Tom’s whole life, shows a maturity on the part of fake-name’s son, an ability to keep the loss in perspective. The students have taken action that will result in appropriate consequences to Tom, so it seems that they are in fact handling it well on their own. </p>
<p>I don’t think that fake-name should contact Tom’s parents simply because when young people are over the age of 18, it’s time for everyone to stop seeing their parents as the one’s responsible for fixing problems in their lives. For one thing, the law doesn’t impose any such obligation. But beyond that, it simply isn’t a way that young adults ought to go about solving their conflicts with one another.</p>
<p>AS long as your son feels safe and can access university resources, he can handle the matter on his own. I would like to note that in my son’s case, the boy had a record for assault–on a male and female student–which is why he was moved to my son’s room in the first place. He was banned from the other dorm. The incident happened on the weekend when the housing office was closed.</p>
<p>Thanks so much to everyone for your supportive words and well-thought out replies. </p>
<p>To clarify, I am not posed to “jump in” here and do much of anything. I called Student Affairs because I wanted to learn what the process was - and they were a good contact for that. (How it may or may not apply to this case is still a mystery. I think “Tom” will probably just vanish.) My son is perfectly capable of figuring this mess out on his own - but I know he has appreciated having sympathetic ears around home.</p>
<p>My thoughts on writing a letter to his parents is strictly to encourage them to get their son some help. I know enough about them that I am reasonably sure they care about him. We also care a lot about this kid. Tom struggles with a physical disability that they have been very supportive about. My son says he is sure his parents know nothing about this situation - that they were encouraging him to transfer to be closer to home. (They have moved since he started college.)</p>
<p>We’ve talked about forgiveness this week, and I think that is the main lesson here. Love the sinner, hate the sin. In an odd way I hope my son can salvage some sort of a relationship with Tom. At this point I am actually feeling pretty worried about Tom, as he is very ostracized at school now and must be feeling like a total loser. My son seems to still be on cordial terms with him.</p>
<p>Meantime, my son has made other living arrangements for next semester and is not interested in moving for the remaining 3 weeks. I’m sure he’ll keep a close eye on his stuff. </p>
<p>I must be really naive though, as I must confess that I am a little shocked at the several other similar stories on here. And I guess the other lesson here (a sad one for sure) is that you have to be careful who you trust.</p>
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<p>I wasn’t going to bring this up, because I hate to be an alarmist…but this young man’s behavior strikes me as particularly self-defeating. Steal in a way you’re bound to get caught; confess when you could deny it and no one could prove it; stop going to class when you could at least salvage some credits. </p>
<p>I suppose this could be a (relatively) face-saving way of getting sent home without having to admit that he picked a school that for whatever the reason wasn’t right for him. But I’d be sort of tempted to call Res Life and make sure that someone competent has assessed Tom’s mental health status. But bear in mind, this is me (a chronic worrier over everything), and not knowing the kid at all; the situation may look totally different to someone who does know him.</p>
<p>a-fake…again I am going to encourage you to let it go–or at least think very carefully about what message your continued involvement sends to your son. To me, it sends a message that through good works, you can somehow make the situation better, add a ‘fix’ to it. However, I suggest that the extent of his problems are unknown to you and your good works would only serve to make the parents feel worse. You and your son are unable to ‘fix’ this boy. Your son needs to learn that some sorrows are not fixable through good works. That’s an improtant lesson for a kid with a too big heart.<br>
My big hearted brother married someone in order to ‘fix’ her. Well twenty years later, guess what? He’s miserable, she’s far from fixed and their kids are at risk.<br>
Tom’s parents will sort it out. A boy coming home from college abruptly is all the bad news they need to figure out that all is not right with him. He’s told your son he stole money, he will probably tell his parents. </p>
<p>Add your prayers but show your son how you let go of some sorrows and trust others to do their work.</p>
<p>This situation really made me stop to think about roommates in general.
What does one REALLY know about a roommate and is there a way that colleges who are aware of past transgressions can share that information?</p>
<p>Just another situation that makes you sigh and shake your head.</p>
<p>laxmom</p>
<p>You have raised a very important issue. If the college moves a person who has been sanctioned for theft or other serious matters, into your childs room, do you have a right to know?</p>
<p>One expert counselor on this issue would be Cardinal Mahony. He has experience in giving troubled people access to new uninformed children and families.</p>
<p>I don’t see it on the list of reasons that student non-directory information can be given (under FERPA) to a third party without consent:
<a href=“http://www.ed.gov/policy/gen/guid/fpco/ferpa/index.html[/url]”>http://www.ed.gov/policy/gen/guid/fpco/ferpa/index.html</a></p>
<p>I guess the Clery Act could trump it, if the crime was violent and there is an ongoing risk, but in that case, you’d think the student wouldn’t be on campus at all.
<a href=“http://www.securityoncampus.org/schools/cleryact/faq.html[/url]”>http://www.securityoncampus.org/schools/cleryact/faq.html</a></p>
<p>Having been on the end of that particular problem, the answer is no, not only do you and your student not have a right to know any details about the roommate but worse, the school will actively try to protect the rights of the perp if the perp has rich parents who have threatened them with legal action. Welcome to PC Gone Crazy.</p>
<p>I feel for the school because where the heck do you put a kid like that? In our case, they stuck him with my son in order to avoid giving him a single as a reward for the alleged assault. They probably figured my 6-2 steady Eddie son could handle himself. He did try to handle it for four weeks and then got stung by the theft but in the end, I should have made a bigger stink at the get-go. (I made a little stink in the Housing Office because son wouldn’t and I wanted them on notice–but I should have gone right to the Dean and insisted on a room change). Oh well. Armchair quarterbacking. My guy got a nice hotel room and a steak dinner out of the whole thing.</p>
<p>I think a single is the best solution, although imperfect.</p>
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<p>HECK YEAH! I make no statement about their legal obligations one way or the other, but there is an ethical obligation to warn the new roommate that there has been an <em>unproven</em>accusation_ of XYZ offense, resulting in the room transfer. This is particularly true where assault is concerned. Better to reward the criminal with a single room than to punish an innocent third party by forcing him to live unawares with someone the school suspects is violent/a thief. Where there is some kind of conclusive proof, such as a confession, the perpetrator should immediately be moved out of university housing altogether. At private schools in particular, student housing is a privilege; “innocent until proven guilty” doesn’t make sense in this context.</p>
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<p>Yep. There’s an Arabic saying: “Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.” They can toot those honor codes till the cows come home, but you should still lock your door, windows, laptop, and suitcases. I left a treasured and expensive formal dress on the laundry line my freshman year because the sacred college honor code meant that no one would steal it. Yeah, that was my $300 life lesson.</p>
<p>I guess I’m more hard-nosed about this than most. I see no reason why your family should bear the burden of a $300 loss (at the minimum). Your “reimbursing” your son does nothing but punish you for Tom’s thievery.</p>
<p>Sorry, but as noted here, the kid’s an adult. Leave his parents out of it and report it to the local police. Period. This is larceny, pure and simple. Tom can stop “having his life ruined” in most states, for a first offense, by promising restitition to the victims - you and your son get the money back. And if it’s not a first offense, then Tom needs a serious wake up call. Your son could actually be doing this kid a favor by refusing to shield him from the consequences of his own actions.</p>
<p>I have heard from my son that “Tom” has packed up and gone back home. My son is mad that there was no mention of paying him back, and worse, there was no apology. (But my son helped him move out!)</p>
<p>Earlier I was feeling bad for Tom, but now the whole thing just makes me pretty mad. Son tells me that there was no further involvement from student affairs. No hearings, nothing. (I suppose maybe they knew he was leaving?) Son is certain Tom’s parents know nothing.</p>
<p>It kind of makes me want to advise my kids that if they are a victim of a crime they should call the local cops and by-pass the school authorities.</p>
<p>He has another friend who will be moving in with him after break. </p>
<p>Merry Christmas friends.</p>
<p>Sometimes, our kids need to learn these lessons on their own & figure out how to assert themselves about getting back what they are owed. As a parent, it’s painful to watch/hear about our kids learning these lessons. I’m sure these incidents will give your S quite a bit to ponder over the break about the nature of friendship & possibly how to prevent similar situations in the future. As my mom told me, some folks in this world are “givers” and some are “takers.” It’s tough watching others take advantage of our loved ones, but it is a growing process.</p>
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That advice can apply for elementary & h.s., too. A family in our town just had to get the county prosecutor involved in a schoolyard problem. A chronic offending type kid actually BIT OFF THEIR SON’S EARLOBE in a football game during recess. Hospital stay & plastic surgery were required. The school classified it as an “accident” & the victim returned to school & had to have his attacker sitting in the same classroom. </p>
<p>Your son has learned a valuable lesson & you can now be glad that he is moving on with a “safe” new roommate. The thief roommate is a disturbed young man. I used to think rooming with someone you know would stiffle the urge to reach out & meet new people. But your story has me rethinking that position.</p>
<p>Considering how many strangers are thrown together as room mates in colleges, it is wonderful how many great friendships are formed. My S & his friends all have good relationships with their room mates & are contemplating whether to keep them next year when they apply for new housing. I think it has been helpful to all of them to enlarge their social circle by meeting new folks that were assigned as room mates.</p>
<p>I don’t believe thieves are all that common in dorms, fortunately. I wasn’t aware of any such issues when I was a student way back in the 70s/80s & my S hasn’t mentioned any particular problems in his year at the dorm. In ways, I think living in college housing does prepare our kids somewhat for life beyond college, including the pros & cons of having a stranger as a room mate.</p>