A roommate problem; A nasty lesson in betrayal (sorry-long)

Parent Cafe
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<p>First, I must apologize for the use of a fake name. I am trying to protect the privacy of all parties involved.</p>

<pre><code>Second, before I start my tale of woe, I just want to say that I know it pales in comparison with say Mini’s problems and Sage44’s current situation. But I am really upset about this and I’m just looking for some sympathy I guess.

My son attends a college he loves. He is a sophomore, and he has made great friends, has good grades, and has developed new interests as well as has been able to pursue his ECs. Last year he made a very good friend on his first day there. He chose to room with him this year. We are close with this friend, “Tom” (another fake name), and have always taken him to eat when we are in town, as well as remembering his birthday etc.

While home this break, my son told us that Tom was leaving school at the end of this semester. When I asked why, my son looked very concerned and said he was in trouble. I asked “drinking?” My son said no. I asked “drugs?” My son said no. Then my son dropped a bombshell - he said that Tom had been stealing money from him and some of their other friends.

My son returned to school with $175 cash. I recall early in the semester that he was concerned because he just couldn’t figure out where it all went. (At the time he thought it was a lot of money.) He also had $1500 from summer earnings (in a checking acct). All semester he’s been stressing about how fast he’s been going through money. He would take out $60 from the ATM and immediately only have $20 left - that sort of thing.

Meanwhile, late in the semester Tom was caught rifling through the drawers of a kid on the floor (who, my son reports, sells pot and presumably has money in his room). Anyway, that kid was mad and told several kids of the incident - but he did not report it to security, for obvious reasons. Anyway, to make a long story short, a couple of other kids (in their circle of friends) approached Tom about money they thought he had stolen, and he admitted it. They filed reports at security.

At that point my son confronted his good friend and Tom admitted that he had also stolen money from him. My son figures it is about $300. My son also filed a report with security. Apparently, Tom then confessed to some of the thefts at security.

It also came out that Tom’s roommate from last year believed he was stealing from him too.

It turns out that several “branches” of the school are now involved: Security, Student Affairs, and Residential Life. I have spoken with the Asst. Dean of SA, but he didn’t seem to know very much about the incident - although he was going to look into it at once and asked that my son come talk with him Monday. Res Life apparently feels they’ve dealt with it by restricting Tom’s movements in the dorm, and prohibiting him from having guests in his room (a punishment to my son I think). I have not spoken with Security. The school has not been notified that Tom is bugging out after finals - and apparently plans to transfer to his state U at home.

In summary, neither me nor my son have any clear idea of what is going on in the official channels at school.

It is unclear what will happen to Tom at this point - there is, of course, a complicated procedure in place for violations of the conduct code. My son says he “doesn’t want to ruin his life” and that he just wants his money back. My son does not seem to have been very well-informed about what he’s supposed to do at this point. I suspect things are rather difficult for him in his room, although my son reports that Tom is pretty much acting like nothing happened. (Except that he has quit going to classes.) The Dean says it is often very hard to get kids to follow through the hearing process - they have to “testify” and show up etc.

 *******

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<p>Of course the real story here is one of hideous betrayal. My son is a really sweet kid - he’s very earnest, very family oriented, a truly loyal friend. One can only imagine how confused and hurt he must feel. We are even feeling betrayed!</p>

<pre><code>I’m having trouble finding any good lessons in this. I’m contemplating writing to his parents. (I have their address - this kid also borrows my son’s cell phone and a simple search on the number brought it right up.) I know this kid needs help and I’m worried they won’t hear about it from the school. If I do this I will wait until he has moved out. We’re also unsure if we should reimburse our son the $300. (He will run out of money I suspect.)

Well, the whole thing just stinks and I have a sad feeling for my kid. Thanks for hearing me out.
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<p>Oh afn, {{{{{major hugs}}}}} to you and your son. I can’t even imagine the feeling of betrayal that has hit you both with the uncovering of this sad and very disappointing news.</p>

<p>First off, I wouldn’t hesitate to reimburse your son the money that was wrongfully taken from him. If he needs it to get by, I’d not hesitate for a moment as this was something he was blindsided with and not something under his control whatsoever.</p>

<p>My biggest concern right now is that your son is having to continue sharing a dorm room under such awkward circumstances. I realize that there is not much time left in the first semester, but that has to be pretty unbearable for him, especially given the fact that he felt so close to his roommate. Does he express any interest in moving for the few weeks that are left? </p>

<p>I would think that if Tom is having to undergo hearings/etc. at the school, at some point his parents will be made aware of the situation. I would probably contact them only if it appears that your son’s money will not be returned. They may take the responsibility and do the right thing in reimbursing your son.</p>

<p>I am just <em>SO</em> sorry that your child has had to experience this yucky event so early in life and within the setting of a college, which is a place that is supposed to feel safe to each and every student. My heart goes out to you both.</p>

<p>~berurah</p>

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<p>If you can afford it, reimburse your son the $300. I think he’s learned a sad lesson, and shouldn’t have to suffer a whole lot more for that one. How would he plan to keep his belongings secure for the next month or so.</p>

<p>As far as the parents and the school – I don’t know what I would do. I would hope, since the school is already involved, that your son could switch rooms – or that Tom would have to switch rooms. It also seems that the kids should use a little more general security, such as locking their dorm rooms. Are you driving your son back to school? Could you meet with the Dean on Monday with your son?</p>

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<p>I suggest that your S contact rommate’s parents to see if they will reimburse him.</p>

<p>Sadly, what you describe is not that unusual. When I taught college, one of my students had a similar situation: She learned that her roommate had been using her credit card. It took a long time to get the problem resolved.</p>

<p>A big part of the problem is that often universities insist on handling problems that if handled by local police would be felonies. IMO, such major problems should go under the jurisdiction of the local police, not campus security, not handled by the school’s administration because then the student has no legal record, and can continue to easily prey on others.</p>

<p>I wonder what the roommate was using the money for. Often when people steal, it’s to buy drugs.</p>

<p>I don’t normally suggest that parents get involved in students’ school difficulties, but this is the kind of situation in which I think that parents should intervene – even if it means going to the school and meeting with the administration.</p>

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<p>I’m so sorry, AFN. You’re right, the betrayal is the worst thing. </p>

<p>I keep writing paragraphs of advice and erasing them, because I don’t know what the best thing to in this situation is. Except that you can be thankful you have a kid who tells you things, even if you do have to pry it out of him, and that your kid has a parent who knows/cares enough to pry when needed.</p>

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<p>I agree with cnp, that if you can make your son whole. If money is that all that stands between your son and his friend, I would also suggest that your son not wirte him off immediately. </p>

<p>If he cares about him and outside of the money values him as a friend, I think he should take the time to find out the underlying issues if any that led “Tom” to steal from them. As others have mentioned it could be drugs, problems at home and the money could be a quick fix to a bigger problem.</p>

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<p>Let’s not forget gambling. Probably your son would already know if Tom has a drug problem, but people are really good at hiding gambling addiction.</p>

<p>One of the things I keep erasing is this:</p>

<p>If you or your son is going to approach Tom’s parents, please keep in mind that if this is a long-standing behavior on Tom’s part, the parents are probably heavily invested in denial–which means they are going to be defensive and hostile, from “my son would never do that” even to nasty counter-accusations. If you aren’t prepared mentally for that reaction, it can really add to the emotional trauma of the situation, and make it a lot harder to put it behind you.</p>

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<p>

Ain’t that the truth…that’s why I said that I wouldn’t approach the parents unless it becomes very obvious that there is no chance of the school recovering the money. I would EXPECT a bad reaction from the parents and consider myself lucky if I didn’t get one. People tend to be <strong><em>REALLY</em></strong> defensive about their kids.</p>

<p>Good point about the gambling. In fact, my son’s university magazine recently did an entire article on one of its students who makes MEGA money with online gambling. Apparently, he is very good with probablility. Not everyone is that adept.</p>

<p>~berurah</p>

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<p>To the parent: stay out of it. Allow your son to deal with the situation and learn and grow from it. Give advice if asked but let him handle it.</p>

<p>To the student: Secure your stuff. Forgive your friend. He will have repercussions plenty from his behavior as the college is involved. You have no idea what is going on in his life to make him act this way or maybe he has been this way all his life, a psychopath, with no guilt whatsoever. You have not known him long enough to make a good assessment.</p>

<p>Finals are looming. Cut your emotional losses, cut your energy being sapped by anger and worry. Mourn the loss of what you thought of as a friendship. You will be better for it if you just let it go. $300 lesson in human behavior.</p>

<p>I know this will not be a popular post but I really believe it is in your sons best interest.</p>

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<p>Actually, sax, your post makes a great deal of sense. We can all benefit from a lesson in cutting your losses and in not letting a bad event get the better of you. I’m actually dealing with a situation like this right now, and I appreciate the reminder! :)</p>

<p>~b.</p>

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<p>My cousin’s S learned a similar lesson–in elementary school. He brought school friends home after school to play & spend time & later discovered the “friends” had been robbing money from the house when he was out of the room. He was devastated. I never found out what the cousin did regarding the kids but know the boy went off to private school & made new friends after the sad, betrayal lesson learned by kid & parents. :(</p>

<p>I have urged our S to lock all his valuables in his safe (there’s one in each student’s closet in the dorm he lives in). I especially wanted him to lock up his passport, which he brought to school, as well as his checkbooks (he doesn’t seem to write checks at the U) & all things he doesn’t need to walk around with. Don’t know but hope he’s taken it to heart.</p>

<p>It is tough when kids learn that someone they trusted betrays them & tough to know the root cause(s). It would seem the U’s option to inform the parents & consider counseling – tho time is running out. I would probably be a sounding board for my kid (if he’s share–unlikely) & reimburse the $300 missing $ & let me kid & the U handle the rest, as growing experiences.</p>

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<p>What a difficult situation!</p>

<p>What has happened with your son and Tom? Are they still friends? Are they on speaking terms? or, is there a huge amount of resentment? Has your son confronted him about why he did it? If the situation is now awkward, will the university allow your son some different accomodations for the rest of the semester? If your son is ok with staying in the same room for the rest of the semester, then obviously he needs a good lockbox.</p>

<p>I think Tom’s parents should reimburse the $$ that was stolen, to your son and to the others. I agree though that this might be difficult because they may be in denial. But, what would be the harm in trying? It’s not like it might cost a friendship, if the friendship has already been soured. I think I would call the parents and make an effort. It could accomplish 2 things: possibly get the $$ reimbursed, and possibly alert the parents to their son’s problems (which they may not be aware of). The parents might ‘do the right thing’ or they might be worse than the kid - be prepared that it could go either way.</p>

<p>If they won’t reimburse the $$, then I would definitely reimburse it for your son, if you are able to. If you are not able to, then your son will just have to accept that these things happen. I would make sure your son knows that it was certainly not his fault!</p>

<p>My son’s best friend never locked his doors at Rice, because the other students told him that basically no one ever bothered, since there was this honor system. Well, his new top-of-the-line computer got ripped off! He never did find out who did it. His parents’ insurance company would have covered it if he had locked his door, but since the door was not locked, they didn’t cover it, and his parents were not willing to lie about, so they took the hit. He had to make do with using campus computers for the rest of the semester (and this happened early on). The next year they bought him a new computer for about half the price of the first one.</p>

<p>My son has hopefully learned from this. But, right now he has a on-and-off friend (girlfriend, sort of) whom he did not trust at first (she has admitted to stealing) but now insists that he can trust. My hubby and I don’t trust her at all but since he does, if we are right about her, eventually it will come out. He lost an item and I think she took it (because she was the only one there when it disappeared), but I can’t prove it.</p>

<p>Maybe I am wrong. I hope I am. But if not, that will be a lesson. The sad thing is that when things like that happen, sometimes the kid has a hard time ever regaining trust in ANYONE.</p>

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<p>I’m sorry to hear what happened to your S.</p>

<p>My sister had a very similar thing happen to her during her sophomore year of college. They weren’t in the dorms, so nothing was done at the school, but she did allow this girl to crash in her place for a few weeks. This girl stole her ATM card and found out she had figured out her PIN number and stole a good amount of money directly out of her checking account.</p>

<p>It seemed like an open and shut case, they even caught the girl on the video at the ATM. However, nothing ever happened to the girl but my sister was refunded her lost money. </p>

<p>It’s a shame how criminals go free with indisputable evidence, hope things go better with your S than happened with my sister.</p>

<p>This girl is really screwed up and hope she got the help she needed. She lost both of her parents freshman year of college (mother of heart attack, father committed suicide a few weeks later) and really never recovered from the tragedy.</p>

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<p>I agree with sax’s advice.</p>

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<p>I agree with SAX - let your student deal with this - the school has policies in place and they have to run their course as far as their own punishment of this student.</p>

<p>The loss of a friendship is always hard - but it is not the first time and won’t be the last time in your son’s life that will occur. Support your son - help him out financially if you can - maybe encourage him to talk to the roomy about getting any of the funds back - if not - move on. Let your son work out with the housing department about maybe moving to another room if at all possible. The school has no real responsibility to include you and your son in the judiciary decision - in a hearing - yes - your son may have to be involved if he filed a complaint - but in all the rest - they really don’t. </p>

<p>This is one of those learning experiences that parents are a great source of support but at the same time - they need to stay out of it as much as possible. Roomy TOM is considered to be a legal adult - so he needs to bear any and all responsibility - not his parents - he did the deed - not his parents - he needs to figure out a way to make this right - not his parents. It may not resolve with any funds returned - but TOM needs to fix this - get a job - whatever it takes. If he is leaving school under those circumstances - he most likely won’t be going to the ‘state U’ next semester.</p>

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<p>Were my son in the same position, we would reimburse him. The roommate would have been out on day 2 of the discovery. By my call to the student privately, with the implied threat that the local police would be involved, he’d be gone, to another room.
We each have different reasons for sending our children of to college. For our family, the primary reason is academic. The curriculum is so demanding, that even a week lost is difficult to recover.</p>

<p>For parents who view college as a social experiment, this is a good one. However, your child is the guinea pig, not you.</p>

<p>With the tuition we are paying, and the sacrifices many families make, they deserve a safe supportive environment where there child can devote their
time to their studies.</p>

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<p>Well, now that you put it that way, scidoc, I completely agree!</p>

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<p>Well, (deep breath) previously unreported on this forum, basically same thing happened to my son last year. Only difference was his roommate stole my son’s checks, so evidence was unquestioned and we also knew the exact $ amount of theft. School immediately moved roommate out of that dorm. It sux all around. Not what you hope for a first year experience.</p>

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<p>

Your S needs to be clear that it’s ‘Tom’ who’s ruining his own life and in the process making life difficult for others (including your S, you, the dope dealer, etc.) as well. Your S is just an innocent victim in this.</p>

<p>I like scidoc’s approach.</p>

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<p>Something similar happened to my son–only he lost +$500 in one shot (Christmas money from Gramma). He strongly suspected his new roommate --a stranger with a record.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>First, lucky you. The school is proactive. Count your blessings there.</p></li>
<li><p>Do NOT under any circumstances, call the parents. You do not know the history of this boy. Most probably he’s been in lots of trouble before and they sent him to live with your son anyway. Most probably the university had an inkling of that history too. These are all rotten thoughts–and basically rotten luck for your son.<br>
Talking to his parents will only extend your angst. Your son need his parents to be the stable sounding board–not the fretful worriers.</p></li>
<li><p>This is the hardest to cope with…accept that your son may continue to be blinded by undesirable characters. He may continue to attract less than desirable friends. Keep an eye on the friends he attracts and the path of those friends. If you see that he is attracting (and seeking) undesirable friends, (and that’s very difficult to ascertain from a distance)–think of ways to reinforce methods fo choosing good friends, the importance of choosing good friends and the benefits of choosing good friends. Both of my sons are nice and non-judgemental (they get that from their dad, LOL). The downside to extreme acceptance is that it provides a harbour for undesirable friends. So says me, the big meanie.</p></li>
<li><p>Absolutely give him the $300 or close to it. Don’t add the pressure of money worries to the event. When this happend to our son, he called us in a midnight panic. He was extremely shaken and we were thousands of miles away. Within an hour, he was staying in the hotel across the street, ordering room service, on our credit card. Two days later, the university arranged a room change because they could not act against the roommate without definitive proof.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Cyber hugs. This too shall pass.</p>