Great news about the job, snowball. Congrats!
One of my husband’s employees did this exact thing: a very private paper-only wedding (for health insurance purposes) followed by a big destination wedding in Puerto Rico several months later. No one minded, and I’m told the “real” wedding was great fun, festive and still very moving, even though the couple was already technically married.
ooops, just caught snowball’s update: Congrats, MOB!
I didn’t want to start another thread, so thought I would ask here. My daughter’s future inlaws are upset that the wedding is going to be here in the states as they have family and friends that will not be able to make the trip due to cost. The most important person that will not be able to come is the grandmother as she is 93, not due to cost, but health. I do understand the fiancee’s parents feelings, as I would feel the same way if the location of the wedding was in the UK.
The kids are going to visit his parents this weekend and discuss their feeling and options. Both my daughter and her fiancee want the wedding here in our home town, so at least they are in agreement. My initial thought is for them to have a civil ceremony maybe in his patents hometown, invite who they want and maybe have a tea or something after. I get the impression the parents aren’t looking to pay for anything, so the kids would have to foot the bill. This event could be held either shortly before or after the bigger wedding here. I want his parents to be happy and also allow his grandmother to see him get married. Not to be morbid, but we are talking 18 months from now, so there is not telling if grandma will still be around. She did ask that they get married before “she kicked the bucket!”
I am looking for any other ideas to keep peace in the family. I know they are not the first couple to deal with a marriage with this issue. My daughter has told me that in the UK is it not unusual for people to be only invited to just the wedding ceremony or the reception, not both, which is so foreign to me. She said people will rent out a pub for the reception, have a cash bar and no food, or maybe just a bite or two. I know my daughter really doesn’t want two wedding, especially since she doesn’t have to do that now that she is able to get a work visa.
With technology these days, find a way for grandma and other UK family/friends to be at the ceremony in a “virtual” way. They can make it fun by having champagne and some good cocktail nibbles while they watch. You could even find some creative way to incorporate them into the wedding with a mention/reading/etc.
I would have D have either an engagement party in the UK prior to the wedding or have post wedding celebration such as the pub rental after the wedding in the UK. No need to repeat the whole process and have two weddings.
If she has a ‘civil ceremony’ in England, that’s a marriage and then you have the same issue you had before. I like the engagement party idea there and then the wedding here.
They can’t please everyone, even old grandmothers. They don’t want to get married for 18 months. That’s the decision.
I like the idea of using technology to make the festivities accessible remotely.
It sounds like the future in-laws are being unreasonable. If they would like to host a post-wedding reception for the folks who are unable to travel across the pond, I’m sure your daughter would welcome it. That would be the best solution.
My guess is that there is a lot of unexpressed anxiety over their son’s choice of a foreign bride. No matter how much they love your daughter, they probably have a lot of anxiety over where the couple will ultimately settle, how often they will see grandchildren, etc. The anxiety will likely leak out during the wedding plans, no matter what the plans are. I’m not sure what the solution is but my guess is that even if your daughter were to accommodate all of their wishes, there still would be tension.
I never though of integrating technology into the ceremony; that might be a real possibility, at least for grandma assuming someone can help her on her side.
notelling- I hope the groom’s parents do not have those concerns, but I guess it is possible. Their other son, wife and kids live out of the county, but still in Europe, so visiting is indeed easier. I do think my daughter and then husband will move to the states, but not for a good while; probably after she has a child or two.
My daughter and I are in agreement that we want to be accommodating where we can, but the wedding will be here. Our hope is an engagement party, or a reception after they return from the honeymoon, would be the best. Why my daughter and her fiancee do not want is to have something in the UK, and then people that can afford to join them for the wedding, decide not to come since there is an event locally. I want their wedding to be filled with friends and family from both sides; I don’t want it to be the Brides wedding, I want both bride and groom to have the people they are close to.
Due to some health issues, we are skyping in my grandmother. Not an ideal solution but a good option.
Its pretty traditional that the wedding is held (a) where the bride wants and (b) in/near her home town if thats her choice. Its unfortunate when they currently live across the pond, but its pretty unreasonable that the grooms parents dont want to pay a dime but want it held on their turf. So your friends/family should travel to the UK and pay the expense? Why? Glad your d and future SIL are on the same page about this.
My s is marrying across country soon (!!) and it happens to conflict with a significant college reunion. Sooo… I might find a quiet time to slip away in the afternoon before the wedding and skype with old college friends. Yay for technology!
When I said the groom’s parents were not looking to pay, that is because in the UK they do no have rehearsal dinners and such that fall to the grooms parents to pay. Until my daughter and her fiancee talk more in depth with his parents, the kids are just going on assumptions; his parents might surprise them both and throw a big bash!
My daughter is trying her best to be thoughtful of the UK invited list; this includes their friends as well as his family. She does not want to hold the wedding at a time where airfare is the most expensive, meaning summer or Christmas time. Most of the people they have talked to plan on taking holiday while coming to the states; some will head to New York, California or other local attractions. I think for a large number, if they really want to attend the wedding, they will make it happen.
“I like the idea of using technology to make the festivities accessible remotely.”
I attended a wedding where the mother of the groom was present at the ceremony via Skype because the US would not issue her a visitor’s visa on the grounds that she was an immigration risk (only child in the US, no husband, etc. ) It was not ideal, but the alternative was to keep petitioning the Embassy (and we know how predictable their actions are…
I like the ceremony SKYPE idea and then a small newlywed welcome home reception in the UK. Just a small warning, usually with distance weddings, there are more people who will now say they are going to come than will actually make the trip when the invitations go out and the reality of the logistics and expense hits.
It sounds like you will know more after the couple gets together with the groom’s parents and discusses plans.
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re post 91, while it’s true that some long distance people may change their minds, don’t not invite people because you think they might not make it. I was living in Germany when one of my good friends got married. It happened I needed to make a trip back to the US that summer anyway, so I made sure it overlapped with the wedding.
We would never not include someone just because we thought they wouldn’t come. The problem is inviting all the people the couple want and finding out they all can make it and our venue isn’t large enough!
When the kids were young I had always heard the saying that 20% (or maybe it was less than that) of your guest list will not attend a party. One year my daughter was having an indoor swimming party at a hotel where you were not allowed to have over 20 kids. We invited a couple of more figuring a few would have another party, dance, softball, or some other commitment. Every kid responded with a will attend and a few wanted to bring uninvited siblings. I nixed the siblings and I think we ended up with two over, but the hotel didn’t come out and count!
My kid’s spouse is from another country. Spouse’s sibling was married in the EU last year. The cermony was Catholic. It turned out that the cathedral where they were married is one from which Sunday mass is broadcast on TV. Half a world away, Grandma was allowed to be up at 4 am in the residents’ lounge in her nursing home in another nation, watching the whole thing on TV live. I don’t purport to understand how it was done, but somehow it was. Much better than Skype. I know it may not be possible, but there are wedding sites which have broadcast facilities for other reasons. If your D and fiance aren’t fixed on a particular place for the ceremony and reception, you may ask around and find out if any place in your hometown has such facililities.
My nephew is marrying someone from Bermuda, and the wedding is going to be in Bermuda even though most of their friends are from the States. My sister is being very good about the whole event. She is going to help with the wedding because she thinks she will have over 100 people from her side attending. She is also not demanding the bride’s side to do anything they don’t want to do. She is hosting the rehearsal dinner for all out of towners.
The story has a happy ending! The kids went to visit my future SIL parents and grandmother, and it sounds like everyone is ready for a wedding in the states. The few relatives that the parents are worried about not being able to attend, they aren’t so worried about. Grandma even wanted to know if we had a cardiologist in the family in the event she got sick while at the wedding! While not a family member, a close friend should be in attendance, so grandma felt better about that. Of course the wedding is not for another year and a half, hopefully grandma’s health will still allow her to travel.
While I have not met my daughter’s future inlaws other than a short Facetime, I am really liking these people. We have included them on our guest list for my son’s wedding this Fall, and they are coming. Part of the reason is to see what a US wedding is like, especially one between a Jewish and Christian person; neither of my children chose a Jewish fiancee, but both weddings will included a little of both religions. The other reason they want to come is to meet my husband and me, and get to know us better. I could not be happier they are making this trip. We haven’t even met my son’s future inlaws and he has been engaged for 9 months and they only live 5 hours away by car :0 That my daughter’s fiancee’s parents are willing to come over from the UK just to be with us is so nice.
So I now get to continue planning for a wedding which still trying to figure out the rehearsal dinner for my son’s wedding. Lots of happy occasions over the next 1.5 years.
Congrats on all fronts, @snowball! You have a busy and happy year and a half in front of you!
Great news! If a rehearsal dinner is not part of their tradition, I wouldn’t push it, or feel the need to step in and host your own (unless you have a burning desire to do so). I’d just discreetly get the word out to out-of-town guests that you don’t expect there to be a dinner the night before the wedding because that’s not part of the groom’s tradition. I can’t think of a single person (okay, edit that to be “a single gracious person”) who would have a quarrel with that.