A secret wedding

Parent Cafe
1

My daughter recently got engaged, much earlier than she expected. Her dad and I knew it was coming, but she had no idea her BF was going to ask as they talked about waiting until she was done with grad school in the fall. It was a very exciting day for us all, especially my daughter as she was caught totally off guard.

As she has been living in the UK for a few years, first for work and then started grad school this past fall, she is there on a student visa at the moment. Prior to that, she was on a work visa. After attending a session at school, it seems she might have made a mistake in being able to stay in the country after grad school, even if she has another work visa. Most likely she has a job offer and they are looking into her visa to see what they can do, but there are no promises.

So, the thought is to go ahead and get married in the UK, most likely this summer, but she doesn’t want this to be her wedding. She would like to have a real wedding here in the states sometime in 2016; too busy with grad school to plan a wedding right now! What my daughter and her fiancee want to do is have a courthouse wedding in the UK (I forgot to mention he is a UK citizen) with no pomp and circumstance. She described it as no more than getting a piece of paper to say they are legally married; only their two witnesses would be there. She would prefer the parents not attend as she thinks that will make it feel like a wedding and she is trying to downplay the event.

I only want what will make their lives work best for them, and while I would like to be there, I understand her wanting to wait for the real wedding and ceremony. I did suggest maybe they pick a date that might be the same date as the wedding here. That way their “anniversary” will be the same for both events, just a year off. Unfortunately, they may not work as they might have to do a summer UK ceremony so she will be able to get a job without a work visa. This will also allow her more flexibility for jobs as she can look at companies that are not only US companies.

My concern is why my daughter acts as thought this all is fine, I am doing a bit of mommy worry that what she is calling her real wedding, the one here, will be a bit anticlimactic. She said she is really good with this, and maybe she is, but I am a Jewish mother, so I worry :wink: The only people that will know they are already married will be their parents and siblings, and the two witnesses. My daughter actually said she wants to pay two strangers to be witnesses so it will feel less like a wedding! I suggested they have their best friends since they live nearby, and let it be what it is. I hate keeping something like this from my parents, but I think it is for the best; the more people that know, the larger the chance other will hear and my daughter really wants to downplay the UK event and make the US wedding the only wedding she has.

I am curious if others here know people that have done something similar. This is not a sham wedding, they have been dating for 3 years and marriage was in their future; it just is coming earlier and different than she dreamed of.

BTW, I have to say, my future SIL did a fabulous job of ring shopping and buy on his own. My daughter’s best friend got out of her what she wanted in a ring, although the friend and I had just a small idea; her Pinterest site was a help! Even with the questions her best friends ask, my daughter had no idea! I almost gave it away as I asked about her getting her nails done since my son and future DIL were visiting. I thought it would be a nice thing for my daughter to take her future SIL out for a girls day of lunch, shopping and nails. Thought I was being sneaking until after the fact my daughter informed me the last time I tried to get her to do her nails, her friends we giving her a surprise 18th birthday party. :)) I did not even remember that, but she sure did!

2

I am not a Jewish mother , but I still worry like one. I see your dilemma because my oldest will likely have a wedding that will not include more than parents, grandparents and siblings. She is stuck in her mindset that having too many people will ruin it for her. Her reasons have to so with marital failures in our families and she is adamant about the waste of a big wedding. Kind of disappoints me, but I have to let her have it their way

3

Friends here got married in January one year. It was completely because of INS issues. They had to get married within a certain window. The husband had gotten his work papers and the like…so they had a very small, private, immediate family ceremony. It was not a secret, but really, no one was invited but immediate family.

They had a lovely, larger reception, and sort of a renewal of their wedding vows the following October. It was very traditional, and quite lovely. Friends and extended family were invited to this event, and we all joyfully went to celebrate.

I don’t see anything wrong with your daughter getting married for visa purposes, and having a lovely renewal and reception here at a later date.

4

Not quite the same, but my D and now H had a City Hall wedding in the town where they live.
The only two witnesses were us Moms (both widowed). We each came a long way from opposite directions, not ‘for’ the wedding, but since we would both be in town, ‘Let’s do it then’

They had casual, low key celebrations for local friends, and with family when they visited those locations.

I would wonder about the anniversary thing too, snowball. Is it a religious concern for the big wedding the following year?

5

The second “wedding” would be a sham wedding. You cannot get married when you are already married.

The couple should have a wonderful party when they return to the United States-- a first anniversary party, renewing their vows, whatever they want to call it. She can wear a white dress, there can be cake and dancing and joy and tears. Everyone can celebrate with them. But they should not deceive their family and friends. That is no way for a young couple to behave.

6

Jewish or not, all moms worry! :slight_smile: Congrats!!

We have a sneaky kid, too!!! I did not sleep for several nights after the Big kiddo and her bf “secretly” married at the local courthouse to have a piece of paper. Very similar circumstances. He was on a student visa and needed to be on the path to a green card to ease his job search process here in the US. The “real” wedding happened 2 years later, on the 5th (I think) anniversary of their first date, when both settled their job/med school searches. Even though they had “the paper”, the ceremony they had carefully planned was beautiful and emotional. Everyone had a ton of fun.

Relax and enjoy the prep for the big event! Everything will be fine. :slight_smile:

7

Cardinal Fang–I respectfully disagree and feel you are being uncharacteristically judgmental. A wedding/marriage can be a piece of paper for official reasons, can be a ceremony of commitment before family and friends, and can (usually) is both. What harm is there in fulfilling the first reason, but then celebrating the second separately? I’m not arguing that you are wrong technically, but I think there is reason to, in the real world and in spirit, see it differently.

8

I agree with Garland.
If the two people who it affects the most want to get married at a courthouse, they should.
They can host another wedding, or just the reception later, when it works for their friends and relatives.
I have a sneaky kid too. She eloped last year, and we found out about it afterwards!

9

I don’t know about “sham” wedding, but I have been told that what Snowball’s daughter is planning to do is what most people in England already do. When my cousin was married, she said in England you get married at the courthouse, but have the wedding ceremony later (usually later that same day) at your church. I may have misunderstood, but that’s what they told me.

10

Why have the pretend wedding at all? I can’t work out why? Does she really want a wedding party?

11

An extended family member in the US married in Vegas for insurance reasons in the fall (surprising both families), and then had their big “typical” destination wedding for family and friends the following summer.

It all went well, except for efforts to have me be the one to explain their decision to elope to her beloved, terminally ill grandmother. That was up to her. You are ahead of the game because you know what is happening.

I understand minimizing the UK event, though I would not want to emphasize the keeping a secret part. It feels awkward, people may well find out and some will feel “played”. I hated knowing this info that would have meant so much to my mother until I could coach the bride through telling her. YMMV- every situation is different; just wouldn’t want my daughter to be forlorn if the secret doesn’t keep. She’ll have a great time with her big event.

Many have two wedding type events or a destination wedding and later reception these days. Most understand and there was nothing less celebratory about the “second” wedding.

Congratulations to the happy couple.

12

I just looked it up and apparently for people married before 1994 who were not Church of England or Jewish, the way they got married was at the registrar. Then they celebrated the marriage at a church ceremony. In my cousin’s case, that would have been a Methodist church. Sounds like Snowball’s D would have a lot of company.

13

We know 2 instances of secret weddings prior to big weddings. One involved a military assignment where the relocation of the bride’s furniture and belongings would not be included unless they were married. Since she would also have to change jobs, a six month separation to avoid a gap in health insurance was also a factor. The big wedding was already planned, so they had a quiet ceremony by a JP with just their parents in attendance prior to the relocating together. The same JP performed the ceremony at the larger wedding. The other was a similar situation only involved a law enforcement appointment. To this day, only a few people know about either. I believe both couples celebrate twice a year!

If it works for them, go for it. Best wishes to the happy couple.

14

I think they should tell people that they are married and will be renewing their vows in the US. Anyone that would treat the renewal ceremony differently probably isn’t worth inviting anyway.

15

Does she want a religious ceremony in the US? Would an officiate go along with pretending it was the actual wedding, in effect lying to friends and family? They wouldn’t have a license to sign at the ceremony since they are already married.

16

I agree with travelnut that the secret will get out and some people will be unhappy that others knew before they knew. The second wedding is fine, but I wouldn’t try to keep the secret about the first wedding. On the other hand, you don’t really have to bring up the first wedding (or post it on facebook, etc,) if it really is for visa purposes.

17

I think it makes more sense to just tell people and have a wedding PARTY when she wants to, with all the traditional wedding trappings that she wants. I don’t get why calling it a secret makes it less real-they WILL be legally married even if they pretend they aren’t.

I do know someone who did this, for insurance purposes. They had their “real” wedding many months later, at a church, with a minister who knew about the deception, and who was the only one who knew ahead of time. They had the traditional reception, cake, first dance, all of that. AFAIK, no one has guessed the secret-not even the couple’s family knew. I thought that was wrong-why let everyone think you’re NOT married when you ARE? But this couple is pretty non-conformist, so for them it makes sense. I just hope neither of them ever slip in front of mom or dad. I only know because when I had to file the marriage certificate at work, I thought that it had expired before the “wedding”. But no, they were married while it was still valid. The “wedding” that I helped organize was, in fact, a sham.

18

My friend had a wedding scheduled and then lost her job, for insurance reasons, she married with 4 friends for witnesses, a nice little ceremony at a friend’s home. She followed through with the planned fancy wedding 6 weeks later and still has not told anyone other than those 4 friends. She had planned to wait until after the fancy party, but now one of her family members picked her secret date for their wedding, she does not want to make that weird so is still waiting.

My kids figured it out pronto, so I guess her 4 friends and my kids know. I hope a year from now her family does not mind when told. The anniversary thing is confusing.

OP- what is the VISA conflict?

19

Everyone here seems to believe that it’s reasonable to have a second ceremony when the couple returns to the US. I think so myself. So what’s the need for the secrecy?

20

We did this in reverse. We had a ceremony and use that day for celebrations, but didn’t get the piece of paper for 7 more years when it became advantageous to be legally married when purchasing our house. We don’t celebrate the legal date at all. If the piece of paper doesn’t mean anything to her but the religious ceremony does, I think that should be considered her wedding day.