In Germany you cannot get legally married in a church. You have to get married at the courthouse. That is usually a small affair with just immediate family. The religious ceremony is usually done later since it requires more preparation and then includes family and friends. It is optional though.
I see nothing wrong with her getting married in the UK and then have a big celebration with family and friends when they come to the US.
Congratulations, snowball, on your daughters upcoming marriage! This is a very exciting time, I know. My son was married a little over a year ago, and I still smile thinking about it.
A legal marriage from an officer of the court and a religious wedding ceremony in a church or synagog are two very different things, imo, even though they both result in a legal contract. It sounds like your daughter and future son-in-law know what they want and are hoping for your blessing, and enthusiasm. This is their decision, one they have apparently made together, and my advice would be to follow their wishes. It is their wedding, and their marriage, after all.
The US wedding is the event where she will take her formal, probably religious, vows in front of her friends and family I assume she will have a gorgeous dress, close friends as attendants or participants, all of her relatives and loved ones, beautiful and expressive vows, beautiful flowers, a fun and lively reception probably including fabulous food and music and dancing lasting most of the night with those closest to her. Perhaps her 100+ closest friends. 
Anticlimactic? Seriously? I wouldn’t worry about that for a second. It will be a glorious memory of the love and support from everyone meaningful in their lives that will help them start their life together.
Let them have this. If someone finds out later that they already had the legal paperwork and feel hurt, well, that’s kind of childish, imo, as it’s not about them. Your “kids” are trying to do what makes their life work and also trying to please the families.
I agree. I see no need for the secrecy. They marry in the UK, and she lets family and friends know that she looks forward to celebrating with all of them when she can do so here in the U.S.
Cardinal Fang–I don’t see a “need” for secrecy espoused here. I see a “choice.” Why make that choice? I think it’s so that the meaning of the commitment before their family and friends is not questioned by the bean-counters or I-dotters. (“Well, sniff, they aren’t really getting married now, whatever they might say, harrummph.”)
Congrat, snowball! Welcoming a son-in-law is fun. I’ve got three now. I don’t see a problem with the plan for the civil ceremony then the additional ceremony the following year. I wouldn’t keep something like that secret, if it were me, because secrets rarely remain secrets forever.
Who to tell about what, when should be left to the couple, imo. If they decide to keep those “in the know” a very small number and it happens to get out over the years, what’s the harm? These are two adults and they are capable of making these kinds of decisions for themselves, I would bet.
How does it work in the United States?
It is state law that affects whether a person is married, right?
Isn’t the couple legally married when they sign the marriage license?
My wife said we signed our license days before the wedding. I don’t remember this.
We never signed the ktubah. The witnesses did. The rabbi did. My wife and I…did not.
I noticed this 25 years after we were married.
My daughter is considering signing a marriage license before the wedding date if she needs to get on her future husband’s medical plan.
I said do what you want.
We are having the wedding and reception in three months and we are still going to have these events even if she gets married next week.
Nobody cares. Well if anybody cares…
Too bad.
No, the marriage ceremony has to be performed.
That’s right…
http://www.usmarriagelaws.com/search/united_states/california/
My daughter can go down to city hall.
I’m doing the reverse. I am having my wedding in June but we are not getting legally married until August.
Frankly I think it’s no one’s business but their own for whether or not they are legally married. Their idea sounds way more than wonderful to me and my biggest congrats to the happy couple. I wish them a wonderful wedding in 2016.
ETA: Frankly, it’s no one’s business but our own why we’re doing that or even that we’re doing that. We’ll be celebrating the start of our marriage with our family and friends on our wedding date. The actual piece of paper is of FAR less consequence to us.
DD just did this very thing; walked into the courthouse with several friends as witnesses and married her partner in front of the judge. Too busy with school to manage a formal wedding right now, and the wedding had to happen right away to allow for medical benefits and green card application. There wasn’t time and energy to host anything bigger. She shared the wedding photos with us and the rest of the family. The REAL wedding (ceremony, food, dancing, declarations of love, family pictures) will happen here in the fall - and how lovely to have it all be so stressfree (After all, they are already married, so you just have to worry about throwing a great party!) While I was a little sad that we couldn’t be there for the ceremony, we are all so thrilled to welcome her partner of 6 years into the family, and have them be together again after such a long time apart. And we will all be heading to her city in May to celebrate her graduation! Yeah!
Didn’t Rose on Downton Abbey have a courthouse ceremony because her husband was Jewish?
My cousin and his wife did this 20+ years ago. She was pregnant and he’s a pilot and they wanted to make sure that she (and baby) would be properly insured, etc, in case he were to die before the “big wedding”.
None of us knew at the “big wedding” that they were already married, except the parents of the couple.
oh well. Not a big deal.
H & I attended a reception in HI. The couple had the actual ceremony in Taiwan, where the bride was from, along with a big reception. They later had a 2nd reception in HI, where much of the groom’s family lives, including his parents & in-laws.
Another friend did something similar. She married in HI, with a grand reception. She had a 2nd reception in the UK.
There was only one WEDDING ceremony for each of these couples, but whatever the couple wants sounds find to me and I personally wouldn’t view it as a “sham” if they chose to have 2 or more ceremonies and receptions, whether they called the 2nd one a renewal or a wedding.
My BIL was refused entry to the USA for several months despite having a visa to come and do a post-doc at a major US university. Marrying my sister while they were both living outside the US completely and totally messed up his already approved visa. It took a lot of legal fees, and the intercession of a powerful congressman’s office to get it worked out. None of that may matter D and her husband-to-be are both US citizens, but if that is not the case, I would absolutely, positively suggest that they meet with an immigration attorney before taking any action to marry.
I agree that it is worthwhile speaking to a good immigration attorney BEFORE marrying if one is a US citizen and the other a UK citizen. It can get much more complicated and cost a lot more money to try to figure out things that could easily have been avoided if the attorney was involved from the beginning. Our friends whose SIL is a UK citizen and their D is a US citizen found this out the hard and expensive way too!
We were just talking about people who had multiple weddings today with friends. My best friend from high school got married in a courthouse to her Merchant Marine boyfriend on the spur of the moment while he was on leave even though they were planning a proper wedding. She had the real wedding in a church about six months later. I went to that wedding and it was beautiful. I have a friend who got married in the US and then had another Hindu wedding in India with all of his wife’s relatives. And the couple we had dinner with had a courthouse wedding which was fine wither them and her family, but his observant Jewish family did not consider them married and they decided it would be easier on everyone if they just had the wedding that would make his family happy. All three couples by the way have been happily married over 25 years.
I don’t think the first wedding needs to be a secret. Just say you had a civil wedding because of visa issues and you are having the religious wedding to follow. In France you actually have to have to go to the courthouse and get the official wedding there. (At least that’s my memory of what happened when the son of my French family got married.)
This is HIGHLY family-dependent. My fiance’s family would be furious if they found out we legally wed without a wedding. (It’s a long story.)
There are also many people who might be hurt because they were not “invited” to the wedding- ignoring the fact that it was just the legal process.
I think the couple needs to do what’s best for them. If that’s not telling people that they have a piece of paper legalizing their relationship, so be it. It’s no one’s business, really.
snowball,
Do you accept PMs? It looks as if you may only accept messages posted publicly. If you accept PMs, I’ll send you one. It would be easiest if you PMed me and I’ll respond.
“Just say you had a civil wedding because of visa issues and you are having the religious wedding to follow.”
Exactly this. Everyone can understand it, and no one has to expend energy keeping a secret.
My recommendation to the happy couple is that they treat the civil wedding as a real, just very small, wedding. They should dress up, take a couple of good friends as witnesses, and go out to lunch afterwards. The memories of this small wedding should be good ones in case that future shindig never comes to pass.