<p>So I just finished my 2nd year in college and my little sister is entering college this fall. Our relationship is quite complicated because my role far exceeds being a brother to her. I’m her second parent. I’m the one that calls her at 1:30 AM to tell her to go home. I’m the one that edits all of her Gates essays and read over her college essays before she submitted them. I’m the one that scheduled teacher-parent conference in high school to resolve issues she’s having. All in all, I’m tired of this role, but I care so much for my little sister that I can’t stand to watch her fall. </p>
<p>I want to have a closer relationship with her as she enters college. I want her to call me to share with me her doubts, happiness, fears, etc. </p>
<p>What do you recommend?</p>
<p>My parents are immigrants and they don’t speak English. That is why I’m carrying the responsibility.</p>
<p>You are to be commended, and it sounds as if she, and you have done quite well. How does she feel about your role? I am unclear as to how you want this to change in college.</p>
<p>It sounds like your sister has come to depend on you for the amazing support you’ve given her over the years. Perhaps it’s time to have a heart-to-heart talk-- let her know that you still want to be there for her, but since you’ll both be in college, that she will need to take on more responsibility for herself. It won’t mean you are any less caring or close-- it’s just a good time for her to take some more steps on her own. Good luck!</p>
<p>Good of you to shoulder so much responsibility and to be so concerned about your sister! I assume she won’t be at the same college?</p>
<p>Let her know that you will be there for her but also give her space to make her own decisions. Give her advice but do not make her rely on you only. For example, you can remind her to ask her dean for advice instead of your giving it to her. You can point to campus resources such as writing centers, bureau of study skills, math help centers, and so on rather than try to solve problems yourself. You can encourage her to engage in some extra curricular activities, join clubs, and so on, but don’t dictate which.<br>
Lend a sympathetic ear if she confides in you about roommate problems or any other issue, but don’t be a helicopter sibling. She needs to make her own friends; when she has some, she will find their own knowledge very helpful. And she will grow into her own person. This will enable you to grow into your own person as well. Good luck to you both!</p>
<p>Thank you so much for all the advice. Every time I talk to her, it’s difficult to be a brother because, in the past, that’s not who I was to her. As she enters college, I want to decrease my role as a second parent and shift to being just her brother.</p>
<p>“How does she feel about your role?”
She knows that I’m only looking out for her, but I think she also feels as if I’m suffocating her as well. </p>
<p>“she won’t be at the same college?”
Yes, we’re at different colleges and I think that’s a great thing!</p>
<p>You are to be commended - so tell her exactly how you are feeling and how you would like the relationship to move to a brother/sister type - let her know where you both stand in this new venture - and then follow thru and be just her brother</p>
<p>“I care so much for my little sister that I can’t stand to watch her fall.”</p>
<p>“As she enters college, I want to decrease my role as a second parent
and shift to being just her brother.”</p>
<p>If you are going to be successful in the second statement, you are going
to have to change the first statement. She’s going to fall sometimes
without the second parent support, and as a brother you need to offer
sympathy, but not step in to fix it. This may be more painful to you than
to her. </p>
<p>Also, I second the advice above to be up-front about the change, otherwise
she may be justifiably angry about the withdrawn aid, and may feel
unloved. Just explain to her that you can see how much she’s grown,
that you’re really impressed with her, that you trust her, and that she
can handle making decisions, and you’re going to step back a bit. (By
the way, we as parents say this without completely believing it, but
then it ends up being true.)</p>
<p>You sound like an amazing, amazing brother. She’s very lucky to have you.</p>
<p>statics… I’m just wondering. Not sure if I am seeing something hidden between the lines or not. When you say you care so much that you can’t stand seeing her fall, and when you mention calling her at 1:30 am to tell her to come home…</p>
<p>Are you worried that your sister is making some poor choices and getting into trouble? Or is that not part of it and you are just trying to find the balance point between parent role, brother role and trying to keep lines of communication wide open?</p>
<p>She can be aloof at times and forget to call home. If she calls home and tell my parents where she is and what time she’s coming home, then she can stay out for as long as she wants. We trust her. I trust her. I’m worried that she’s too naive. She’s smart enough to never put herself in a bad situation, but I don’t think she’s cunning enough to get out of one. </p>
<p>I want to joke with her. I want to talk to her on the same level. I want her to see me as her friend so that she can always come to me for help regardless of the issues.</p>
<p>I think your last paragraph is really the “hidden secret,” statics. I’m guessing that if you speak to her in just the way you’d like her to relate to you … that will be the beginning.</p>
<p>Talk to her on a peer level instead of a surrogate parent level. Tell her jokes. Tell her what’s going on with you. I’m guessing that will get you where you want to be. Might take some time, some practice and a bit of changing mindset on your part.</p>
<p>You are a gem of a brother and I think you’ll get where you want to be.</p>
<p>Thank you so much for everyone’s advice. I really appreciate having a little sister like her. Because of her, I learned how to care for someone else other than myself, but it also opens my world up to a lot of pain, too. It hurts me every time she is disappointed when her best isn’t enough, when she is too hard on herself because she grew up in a family that unnecessarily compares her to me. I love the way she respects and listens to me. I love being there for her because I’m the only one in this family who understands her. She’s one of the reasons why I chose to stay close to my family instead of going to MIT.</p>