<p>Why is it that some parents choose not to accept their kids for who they are? </p>
<p>At school and outside of schools, I have friends who in fear of letting their parents down constantly have to project a certain image to their parents. If they don’t, their parents are hurt and take crazy measures.
For example, I know a girl who came out as a lesbian. She is an average girl, does okay in school, and seems cool. What is the first thing her parents do when they find out? They make an appointment with a counselor. There are other examples where parents believe their children to be angels and it is revealed to them that their children experiment with drugs, steal, are sexually active. </p>
<p>Generally, whenever parents find out anything negative about their children, they act in denial and are disillusioned, saying stuff, such as ‘your friends are a bad influence on you and are making you act this way.’ Of course, not all parents are like that. I have met really cool adults(some at CC) who are understanding of teens, but that’s not as frequent as I will have liked. </p>
<p>What makes some parents act this way? How do parents feel when the children they have loved, raised, and had dreams for dissappoint them?</p>
<p>I guess we all define “disappointment” in a different way. For me, it would be if my kids ended up on the wrong side of the law. I would be quite disappointed, but I would still love them. And while I would certainly not let them off the hook with regards to their own behavior, I would examine who they were hanging out with to see if that is where the trouble was being nurtured. I’d have to do some self reflection as well…did I send a message that this was okay? </p>
<p>Part of the reason parents are invested in their children’s behavior is because it does reflect back on us. If a child gets in trouble, the first person people look to is the parents. Why did the parents let them do such and such or allow such and such to happen. In some cases the parent is even legally culpable (destruction of property, bad checks). </p>
<p>As for academic outcomes and sexual orientation–that’s not my area of disappointment. Sure, I would like my children to be happy and self-supporting, but I’m certainly not going to feel like that is my fault if it doesn’t pan out that way. I have encouraged my kids to do their best–and we know when that does and doesn’t happen. They have been given the “tools” and now it’s up to them as to how they use them. </p>
<p>Have you disappointed your parents in some way?</p>
<p>Parents have a long view. We see the road ahead and know how much easier the road will be for our kids if X, Y, & Z happen; how much harder if P, Q, & R happen. </p>
<p>That is at the heart of parental expectations-- we don’t want to see our kids closing doors at age 13, 14 when we know how much we continued to evolve & change into our 20’s…</p>
<p>As for sexual orientation-- my belief is that this is innate, not something a person can be talked out of or into. Inside I would probably be sad-- that my kid would be on a harder path for the rest of his/her life, that some of my fantasies (grandchildren, etc) about the future would be altered-- but I would not want to be one more hard thing on that path-- so I would be supportive.</p>
<p>One of my best friends died of AIDS in 1992; he did not come out to his large traditional homophobic Catholic family until he knew he was dying. They were, rather surprisingly, extremely supportive of him and he got 6-8 months of their unconditional love at the end of his life, which he might never have had had he not become ill.</p>
<p>Very funny. I know parents who are in denial, but they haven’t heard the truth from their kids. Their kids lie about what they’ve been up to; what their friends are doing–even when confronted with the truth.</p>
<p>Please don’t put all the blame on parents. Try fronting up to the truth. Your
parents will be much less naive.</p>