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<p>I would have locked up the guns. Absolutely no doubt about that.</p>
<p>As to how Peter should have handled Adam’s rejection, I don’t really know what the “right” answer was, nor do I think any other armchair quarterbacks here do, either. On this forum, one of our own members has posted a thread about a child who distanced herself from her mother, and then outright refused to have anything to do with her. Time and time again, members here have told this mother that she cannot force herself on her child, she cannot make her want to spend time with her, and pushing too hard will just further alienate the child. She’s been advised to be patient, let her know she is here for her whenever she decides otherwise, then back off. I imagine Peter Lanza struggled with these exact dilemmas, and may have decided that he should not push it, hoping that in time Adam would be ready to resume a relationship with him. It seems that Nancy, if not actually encouraging this distance between father and son, facilitated it or at minimum, did nothing to try to help them bridge a gap. I don’t see how you force your affections on a healthy teenage boy, much less a mentally ill boy. I know that when my DH was exactly Adam’s age, he refused to see his father, and there was no legal way to force him to do so. They eventually reconciled, but it was only on DH’s terms that they began to rebuild their relationship. His father certainly couldn’t have forced him to see him, and that would not have been an effective technique had he even tried that.</p>
<p>I would have locked up the guns, too. But if Adam showed no evidence of violence (and it’s unclear to me based on this article how obvious his violence tendencies were), then there is a really good chance that Nancy would have given him the keys. He was an adult, not a 9-year-old. For all we know, the guns might have been locked up until he turned 18.</p>
<p>@fireandrain thank you. You said exactly what I have felt while reading this thread. Theirs is/was a sad situation all around. </p>
<p>fireandrain,</p>
<p>Come on, now. Nancy wanted to have Adam committed. Yet you think it okay that she would give him the keys?</p>
<p>I have suddenly had a revelation and changed my mind about the possibility of things turning out differently if Peter had been around more. That he is certain that Adam would have shot him too, tells me that Peter is too stupid to have taken away Adam’s access to the guns even if he was at home with them 24/7.</p>
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I would have. The diagnosis of the Yale Child Center psychiatrist Dr. King alarmed me. “Adam imposes many strictures, which are increasingly onerous for mother.” They gave up after trying one medication. And as I said, I don’t really know what transpired Sept 2010. We only have Peter’s story. </p>
<p>Most parents would have. You don’t just stop when your kid refuses you. It doesn’t wotk that way. My personal impression from reading the article was that Peter Lanza was not an effective father and probaly was not very helpful. Not saying it is a crime not to be helpful just tragic.</p>
<p>As an experienced gun owner, I would like to add, that the fact that one of my children may be 20, or even 30, is not a reason for me to give them access to guns in my house.</p>
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<p>Everything is easier in hindsight. But my son is about the age of Adam Lanza. He saw multiple mental health professionals through the years, and he wasn’t diagnosed with Aspergers until age 19. It was never mentioned. Mental health professionals are better now; I think my son may well have been diagnosed in preschool if he had been born in the last five years, certainly in grade school. But back then? No. </p>
<p>I believe Peter Lanza about this. And notice that no one (that I know of) at Adam Lanza’s grade school has stepped forward to say that they told the Lanzas that their son was on the autism spectrum, nor have I seen any grade school record that suggests anyone thought he was on the spectrum.</p>
<p>As the psychiatrist Michael Stone says, “what seems like a minor impairment becomes major” as the child ages. As kids get older, they are expected to do more, and Aspies turn out not to be able to meet those demands.</p>
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<p>But Peter didn’t totally stop. He did make efforts – granted, through Nancy – to stay in touch.</p>
<p>I haven’t read the entire thread that Nrdsb4 referred to, because it hit too close to home for me. I am a daughter who ended contact with my own mother. If she had done what you all are suggesting – sent me photo albums and little gifts, etc., and tried to re-engage – it would not have helped. When she did those things, I was not happy. It is very easy to give advice after the fact and to proudly say, “I would have done it differently,” but when you are actually in a situation, many of us don’t do the “right” thing. </p>
<p>I don’t own a gun, I’ve never even touched a gun, I know nothing about guns, but I am curious, Bay – why would you never let your children access your guns? Once they are fully grown, what are you afraid of? Are there other, non-lethal, items that you also lock away and prevent them from touching? I realize this is totally off topic, but I am curious. When you are 80 and your kids are 50, are your guns still off limits to everyone but you? </p>
<p>fireandrain,</p>
<p>I didn’t say I would never give my children access to my guns. I said their age alone is not a reason to give them access. This was in response to your suggestion that since Adam was an adult (20) it was okay for him to have access in his mother’s home.</p>
<p>Okay, I don’t have guns either but I do have a reasonably intelligent 19-year old son and there really is no such thing as off-limits if I’m asleep. If it’s in the house and he wants access he can figure out access.</p>
<p>Not if your guns are locked in a gun safe with a combination lock and your son does not know the combination.</p>
<p>Yeah, I don’t know anything about how secure the guns were. Not secure enough, obviously. He could probably find a key or watch her open the lock but I don’t even know if this was an issue. And, it has nothing to do with Peter Lanza. </p>
<p>I agree that Peter Lanza did not seem to have a role in (or care?) whether his son had access to guns or not.</p>
<p>Bay, I did NOT say it was OK for Nancy to give Adam access to the guns. I said that it is possible that Nancy believed that once Adam turned 18, she felt it was fine to give him access. </p>
<p>Yes, obviously she did think it was fine. I didn’t dispute that. I don’t think it is fine, nor do I think anyone should give anyone access to guns in their home based solely on their age.</p>
<p>I think we need to start by also figuring out how to defend ourselves. It is nearly impossible to know which kid who is "off’ or mentally ill is going to turn into a murderer. It happens way too often, but it’s not like 100’s or thousands of these things are happening every year. How do you pick out those few? I was thinking the one thing you need in school shootings is time to slow the person down. I hate to think it but maybe bullet proof doors or steel that can get locked down from the inside. Or ways to cut off parts of the school from other parts. Probably not possible in all schools and all rooms, but maybe there needs to be safe rooms like you see in tornado areas. Also - putting up some big stupid sign saying you’re a gun free zone isn’t deterring the mentally ill - it’s just telling them - don’t worry we won’t stop you by force here.</p>
<p>All I can think for the rest of us who think of judging the parents - but for the grace of God go I. They were clearly a family in crisis. I have good kids, I did the best I could at the time, but I didn’t do everything perfectly. Sometimes you don’t know what you don’t know. </p>
<p>If I were a family who lost a child, I’d have no interest in talking to Peter. It’s not their job to absolve him.</p>
<p>Okay, Bay, so you think Peter should have said, “Nancy, lock up those guns because Adam is behaving strangely and I’m getting worried.” Hmmm. I doubt she would have listened. But, because he didn’t it’s all his fault. Okay.</p>