I am a single parent with several children, the oldest of whom is a high school junior. My children’s other parent developed severe mental illness that manifested as domestic violence among other things. We are currently safe, living in a different city from the other parent, but things were pretty scary for a while.
C26 would like their other parent to have nothing to do with college application process, and would very much not like to write about it in the application. But unfortunately that’s not an option, as we’ll need to submit the restraining order and court documents, as part of our request for a non custodial waiver. The school counselor has also told us they’ll need to use their letter to explain why C26 doesn’t show up on any of the school’s website (e.g. they write under a pen name for the school newspaper, they aren’t listed on honor roll, even though their application will include school newspaper and honor roll). C26 also hopes to change their name once they’re 18, so we’ll need to explain that.
Anyway, my question is how do we handle all this in the app. I have a few concerns.
One is that if we only talk about the danger (e.g. the restraining order, the need to hide our identities) but not about how we’ve increased our safety) a school might worry that having C26 is a safety issue.
Another thing I worry about is that we talk about the trauma, but not about how C26 has responded to it, that it will make them doubt C26’s mental health. In reality C26 has done a lot of therapy and has come a long way.
Anyway, I’d love to hear people’s thoughts on how to walk that line between protecting C26’s privacy and respecting their right to tell their own story, and not hurting his chances.
Does anyone have any thoughts?
And yes, I know that C26 could write an amazing essay about rising from trauma, or about lessons learned and increase his odds. But I think that’s their choice to make.
If this were my kid, I’d probably advise the student to use the “Additional information” section of the Common App to address this. So in other words, do NOT write your Common App personal statement about this. But use the ‘additional info’ question to address it.
They’re actually calling it the “Challenges & Circumstances” question. 250 word max:
"Sometimes a student’s application and achievements may be impacted by challenges or other circumstances. This could involve:
Access to a safe and quiet study space
Access to reliable technology and internet
Community disruption (violence, protests, teacher strikes, etc.)
Discrimination
Family disruptions (divorce, incarceration, job loss, health, loss of a family member, addiction, etc.)
Family or other obligations (care-taking, financial support, etc.)
Housing instability, displacement, or homelessness
Military deployment or activation
Natural disasters
Physical health and mental well-being
War, conflict, or other hardships
If you’re comfortable sharing, this information can help colleges better understand the context of your application. Colleges may use this information to provide you and your fellow students with support and resources.
Would you like to share any details about challenges or other circumstances you’ve experienced?"
So, for example, your child could use that 250 word space to explain briefly:
here’s why I write for the school newspaper under a pen name
here’s why my name doesn’t show up on my high school’s public list of honor roll recipients, even though I really am an honor roll student.
here’s what the impact to our home life has been. One could be brief here. Don’t have to go into lots of detail. Something like ‘our family had to move, we have a restraining order against the person due to the domestic violence.’
Is it possible to find schools within budget as full pay? I don’t know your budget but let’s say it’s $40,000 - you can find schools that cost that or less and then aid isn’t an issue at all.
Even if not, I don’t know why it needs to be brought up in the application. Usually aid is separate from an application - so why do you need to bring this up at all in the application? I’d let your child be. Have them show why they will be an asset to the school - not the hardships that you went through (because the student doesn’t want to) and yes, that may be limiting to one’s chances - or may not. But unless I’m missing something, I don’t see an issue here.
Note that many colleges do not require the non-custodial parent information for financial aid purposes. Check the financial aid web site for each college.
This is the old Community Disruption essay. The additional information section still exists, but it will only allow for 300 words starting next year, down from 650.
For OP…I am glad you are all safe. I lean toward not having your student address abuse/trauma/fallout in the common app essays. (Or any of the school supplemental essays).
File NCP waivers where you need to. Here is the list of CollegeBoard CSS profile schools, there is a column denoting whether or not a given school requires the NCP waiver.
Verify that information at each school where your student will apply. As you’ve noted, I would have the counselor cover your kid’s challenges, reasons for using a different name, etc. I would not have the counselor talk about mental health issues. Good luck.
We both think that staying close to home is the right choice, for reasons related to the trauma. But that means the list of schools is pretty short. I have run a lot of NPC’s and the only affordable schools are the ones based on need based aid.
Their top choices require the NCP waiver. I’ve spent a lot of time on that list, and running NPC.
The explanation should come from the guidance counselor and can be as terse as it needs to be. “Joey is highly engaged in school and community activities, and for his personal safety, there is no digital footprint of his contributions which have been significant”.
Adcoms know that not every kid has grown up in an episode of Leave it to Beaver. Good luck- you’ve got a lot on your plate but colleges will understand the lack of online verification…
I am so very sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds like their academic and EC activities have been handled wonderfully, in the face of this terrible situation. And your questions are very insightful.
In case your child is applying to Profile schools (sounds like they are) and you need the link to the CSS profile waiver (sounds like you have it, but just in case) here it is (if a pdf can be attached…) https://cssprofile.collegeboard.org/media/pdf/css-profile-waiver-request-non-custodial-parent.pdf
I thought about this for a while before responding. I agree that it is first and foremost very important that the school counselors address this in their recommendation letter.
If they are open to the idea of describing it briefly/succinctly in the additional info section, written as a situation that the whole family has successfully addressed and they are proud of all of their accomplishments, and maybe even finding a way to be positive in a lighthearted way about what it’s like to have a pseudonym and how it has enhanced their identity. Just a thought.
As others said, the application and the FA component are separate, so you do want there to be no confusion on the part of the application readers.
Last thought: I once read a very fun/clever essay a student wrote for the CA “what’s in a name” prompt. While that prompt in and of itself is not directly in the 25-26 prompts list, it still could be written in a clever way (if they chose to) about their background/identity, where they can cleverly talk about their name (s), maybe how they came up with the pseudonym (if they did) and spin it in a clever way so that the mention of the reason they have it is a secondary issue, mentioned just within the context of how they have shaped their identity and maybe the plusses and minuses of having 2 names. They can talk about how some of their friends have nicknames, and how they got them/their meaning, and then slide into their two names, and its meaning for them(again it can be done in a clever or witty way, as a benefit to their identity. Worth a thought…
That’s great. FWIW, I don’t think you will have an issue getting an NCP waiver anywhere. Just meet all their deadlines, give them the info they need…each school may have their own requirements for documentation and/or third party attestation. Good luck and keep us updated.
I am sorry for all you have been through and suspect you may have other questions down the road but seek confidentiality.
I would not be a particularly good resource but would suggest you consider using the direct message function if you want to speak 1-1 with experts like @Mwfan1921@thumper1@jym626@blossom. They can also refer you to subject matter experts as needed and be discreet.
In this manner you can speak more openly, get specific answers and be assured of the level of experience and relevance of those responding.
Most importantly your privacy and safety can be protected.
I thought financial aid and admissions were separate at least in terms of determining a non-custodial parent’s status, (Though some schools of course are need-aware so there is some communication). What exactly does admissions need to know? If he, for instance, listed writing for the school paper but a different name was on it, would admissions see that? I would keep info down to what is necessary.
Most colleges are need-blind in the strict/narrow sense (admissions does not use the financial aid information, although most college admission criteria are correlated to financial aid need), although most of them do not give good need-based financial aid.
In that case, it depends on how much financial aid information is passed to admissions, although it is most likely that admissions in this case only really cares about what the financial aid grant amount from the school will be.
Most colleges are need blind (admissions not impacted by ability to pay), including nearly all public colleges. Maybe you are referring to the colleges that are both need blind and meet full need for all students? That is indeed a relatively small proportion of colleges?
Need aware colleges can take the student’s ability to pay (and how much the school would need to ‘invest’ in the student) into account when deciding to admit or not.
Even at need aware colleges…admissions doesn’t know the “details”. They simply know your level of financial need so they can determine if they can accept you and provide that money.