This needs to change.
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For sure it does, and given we are international I am wondering if an ADHD coach would do the trick along with medication. I would be there to support but I literally live half way across the world.
You need to rewire here.
NOTHING will “do the trick”. It’s going to be a journey with some successes and some failures. If he really “failed” (as in- told not to come back, vs. you guys freaking out because he got a C in Russian Literature) then you need to be persistent and patient. Nothing will be a quick fix.
And make sure he discusses his use of weed (or anything else that’s recreational, including alcohol) with his physician. You don’t want a prescriber misjudging what’s going on and not having full information!
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We have a little more information from this post. I was giving your son the benefit of the doubt and certainly ADHD can contribute to partying and procrastinating actual work. So yeah an attitude change is also part of this as @blossom implies. Medication and coaching as a combo really can help though. Again, Landmark in VT specializes in these challenges and can provide a list of coaches.
One of mine was 3 hours away and struggling to get a paper done. Severe ADHD. Her sister and I went up and took her to a motel to get her away from distractions. Not sustainable of course. One of her friends also had ADHD and had a coach. He struggled but graduated in time with that support. My kid left after a semester, did CC, worked, and did a degree completion program degree, graduated at 32. Neither course is a disaster!
The biggest challenge, in my view, is getting kids to accept accommodations, especially since they have to self-advocate. The right med and figuring out the best timing takes some time, but not always. Coaching is very effective with a good coach.
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And with the student being willing to take it on board. Refusal to use disability services doesn’t bode well for that. There needs to be a serious discussion with the student about being open to using the help that is available.
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I think accepting coaching comes more easily than accepting accommodations! In fact, coaching may be seen as preserving what young people might term normalcy, while accepting accommodations if often seen by young people as admitting some sort of atypical challenge.
@desertspot I will offer my perspective and own experience. My son failed not one, but both semesters in his Freshman year in college this past year. He was put on Academic Probation after the 1st semester and had a tutor and a counselor working closely with him. He still failed.
In summary, the signs were there all along, since at least 5th grade, when he was assigned an Executive Function counselor in school. We kept “carrying” him, providing all kinds of support and scaffolding, thinking it was just a matter of maturity. After he failed a class in his Senior year of HS, I wanted to get him evaluated/tested for ADHD to look into meds and accommodations. By then he was 18 and refused.
After years of stress, fights, and damaged relationships (between him and my husband), we as a family - my son included - finally agreed that seeking treatment is the way to go.
This summer he is working as a worker on a construction site. He loves physical work (used to be a swimmer/D3 athlete) so even though the job is tough as hell, it is one he can be successful at this point in time. If he has a desk job he will fail miserably. We are working to teach him financial responsibility, and told him he needs to become financially independent.
The plan right now is for him to enlist in the Air National Guard. He will go through Basic Military Training for 2 months and Tech School for another 3-6 months. We believe the structure will be great for him. After that he can get a full time job with the Guard or become a Reservist (part time) and have a civilian job. He will receive college tuition benefits, health insurance, etc. after Tech School, which will give him the opportunity to go back to school/community college if he so choses. Also at that point, he can look into getting meds.
If he stays home, nothing will change and he will get right back at playing video games all day and all night like he has always done for the past 10 years. He could get on meds now, but then the Military would no longer be an option. We are still evaluating this part and wondering if a full time job at home would help…Would love to hear perspectives from others here @compmom @blossom @SJ2727 This is all very “fresh” and we just had an extremely helpful session with a therapist who specializes in ADHD and counseling parents of ADHD children.
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Ask me again at the end of the fall semester…C26 is going to a school that has a great reputation for its disability services and also has a neurodivergent support program that they will be part of. Not gonna lie, I’m still pretty nervous about it, but I do feel better knowing these supports are there and knowing that their high school has set them up fairly well in terms of advocating for themself. But the proof will be in the pudding. (Do Americans know this phrase ?!)
On military though. I think structure can be very good for some ADHD kids - you’d know yours better to judge if he’s one of those.
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Hugs to all of you. This sounds like a very challenging situation to navigate, and the love and concern you have for your family comes through loud and clear.
Does your son share your enthusiasm that the “structure” of the National Guard will be great for him? To me, this is the key to the plan. Some people respond well to it and others don’t. Many people assume that having to get up at a certain time, respect the chain of command, eat when they tell you to eat, etc. is life-altering for someone who has had learning challenges, but I know a couple of families who learned the hard way “wherever you go, there you are”. The ADHD doesn’t go away just because someone else is waking your kid up every day and controlling the amount of free time he has. Ask anyone who has had a family member develop a substance issue in the military….
I don’t mean to catastrophize. But this needs to be your son’s choice which he embraces fully as a positive step in his adult life, not a “oh well, I flunked out of college so I guess the military is my last option”.
The construction job sounds fantastic if he’s sticking with something so tough. Has he explored apprenticeship programs in the trades? Last week I met a young guy (with a BA, but who hated every job he held in his field) who had just learned that he’d passed the final test to become a firefighter. He starts training next week, and already has a plan to get certified in underwater rescue. He considered the military, but wanted the flexibility of having a “personal life” as he put it- i.e. not getting deployed to wherever and leaving romantic partner or spouse behind.
So there are other highly structured programs (anything in law enforcement, for example) or “non-desk jobs” (HVAC, electrical (a terrific field with many vacancies right now), plumbing) that might appeal if the military is only being used as a last resort placeholder.
But kudos to him (and to you guys) for landing a job this summer. Baby steps….
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Reading this, the decision on the military seems kind of abrupt and fast. Are there a lot of family members in the military?
My ADHD kid cannot take ADHD meds because they have bipolar 1. I am kind of a fan of going with the flow and allowing for growth. They are now almost 34, finished their BA at 32, have worked many jobs, learned to regulate, learned to keep lists, use alarms, use a calendar etc. etc- basically self-manage. They have not lived with me for a long time but stayed with me for the last 3 months and I see the struggle (and sometimes hear it!) but they are working with autistic kids and are very insightful.
What are the positives about your son? Build on those. It’s like surfing. Dance was a huge resource for my kid. We considered North Bennet Street School for artisans at one point. I know kids who left college and got into wooden boat building. Or culinary school. Or EMT. Or carpentry. Or…..
Has your son been told he cannot come back to his current school? Could he work, do CC part-time and go back?
The constant video gaming speaks anxiety for me. It can be an addiction, obviously, and a serious obstacle to school work. But it is soothing and indicates a need for that soothing!
I am not sure if the military is his idea or how he feels about it. I know one kid with ADHD who did that and got out for mental health reasons. It could feel a little punitive unless he is behind it. Has he been talking about that for awhile? I would take more time- a lot more time- to figure things out but that’s me. It takes patience, faith, comfort with uncertainty and I know it’s so hard.
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Thank you so much @compmom @blossom and @SJ2727, very helpful insights. We had a wonderful, honest and compassionate conversation since my previous post. Our son decided that the best next step for him is to stay home, seek therapy, continue with the construction work 3-4 days/week (he seems to like it and gets constant positive feedback from his supervisor), and start with 2 “hands on” classes (e.g., trades) at the local CC.
@SJ2727 best wishes for the fall semester!
@compmom it gives me hope when I hear that ADHD kids can learn to regulate and manage their lives and find what works for them without meds, even if it looks chaotic from others’ point of view.
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This sounds like an excellent plan, similar to what we did (as one step after a year at residential college). I am so glad that hope is the message you got from my post. Our kids have so many positives and those only emerge more with time!
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So important. I think these kids often lose confidence in themselves and having an objective, external party giving positive feedback is great.
Good luck with everything!
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My daughter suffered from addiction issues, that I tink may be related to ADHD. She has had a 2 year gap, one year of which she went to community college. The executive skills piece is still missing. I was wondering who you used for support in HS and who you will use for support in college?
I am looking to find someone for this function.
Thanks for any help you can give.
Sarah.
I’m sorry to hear about your daughter’s addiction issues.
Unfortunately I can’t recommend anyone. We were lucky enough to have an excellent IEP team at the high school who provided executive function support, and the institute at my kid’s college (a paid add-on) that they will be part of, will be providing this there.
@Sarah_Wauters if this is your real name, I would urge you to change it asap. Here is how:
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True story from decades ago. DH’s family lived halfway around the world. And they had lived abroad for many years. He came to the US and had been accepted to an elite school. I want to start by saying…my DH has no disabilities. He flunked out of the college and was told to take a year away. He had absolutely no idea what she social and cultural changes would be when he got to college. He also was an athlete who did very well in his sport. But he didn’t do well in his academics…at all.
He did 1 1/2 years at a community college in the U.S. in another state where his family eventually also came. And this helped. He did very well…and went back to his elite school…where he flunked out a second time despite the school having great supports in place for students like him.
He says…the biggest mistake he made was not completing a two year degree at that CC, and then staying in that state to attend college.
He had no family support system here in the U.S. when he first started college. And in retrospect, that was a huge issue.
He took seven years away from college, and did a job he loved.
Then he decided to try again. He took a bunch of courses at our local community college. We were married by then, and he had a support system! Plus he was older and very motivated to get his degree. He got excellent grades at the CC and enrolled in a four year college with an articulation agreement where he got his engineering degree.
It’s very possible that your son was a fish out of water, in addition to any learning differences he has. Please consider that as well. Just my opinion.
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Sometimes, just because they’re college age doesn’t mean that they’re “college age”.
As @thumper1 noted above, your son doesn’t have a “support system” ready to be able to go back in the fall.
Medication takes quite an adjustment period and doesn’t automatically “fix” everything within a certain timeframe.
Just because he’s college age doesn’t mean he has the skills to manage a busy, tough, stressful college workload without supports in place.
This means consistent medication that works with minimal side effects shown over time.
Support from the disability office with tutoring and scheduling help.
Note takers or peer check-ins and the university’s audio/visual resources.
Some universities may provide a life/work coach, in conjunction with the county’s work rehab funding.
Since he’s an international student, he may not qualify for that kind of help but the university might find another resource.
If he hasn’t already been put on academic probation, then, if you send him back, and he fails again, then the university is not obligated to have him return to their university.
I don’t believe he’s ready to return in the Fall because he lacks medication consistency and compliance, he lacks a support system with tutoring work-life balance coach.
Lack of a connection with the disability student offices and no plan in place to catch him when he falls for his executive functioning skills.
He may not be ready, at this stage in his life, to return to school. So if you pay tuition and he fails again, you’re just throwing your money away. The courses become more difficult, and the time necessary to pass those courses, becomes grueling.
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It sounds like a good plan. Hands on work is a strength for some folks! And we need trained folks in our trades.
College will be there in the future, if that seems to be a path at some point.
This is a journey, not a race.
I forgot to write above that my husband got his bachelors degree over 12 years after he started his freshman year in college. And it all worked out!
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